I just found out yesterday that my wife has decided to give up on our marriage. She has told me that she is tired and has lost all of her romantic love for me. In short she doesn't believe that I am capable of giving her what she needs. We have known that we have had problems, but I feel that we haven't until the past couple of months or so truly become actively involved in taking steps to repair our marriage. (We have been married about 5 1/2 years, and I have a 12 year old son from a previous marriage that lives with us about 1/3 of the time.)

A couple of years ago we started seeing some counselors, with the hope of finding one that would be a good match for us. We spend some time with one that I thought was a good one, but he kind of rubbed my wife the wrong way, so after trying a couple of counselors, finally stopped going, as it kind of seemed like a waste of time. At the end of last summer, she told me that she wanted me to move out. (I think that my ex was one factor, since my ex made it difficult for us to get away--even to the other side of the country--without having to worry about my son having to call her all the time or worried about her having to call my son all of the time while we were on vacation.) At any rate, this just happened to be the "straw that broke the camel's back so to speak is all. Anyway, I convinced her that I knew what she needed and what I have been doing to make her so unhappy, and she decided to give us another chance.

At any rate (sorry about so much background), things haven't really been getting better since the end of last summer (although I guess that I was disillusioned to thinking that it had been getting better.) We had seemed to have conversations in which she told me that I criticize her, manipulate her into feeling guilty, but that she usually had a hard time thinking about specific examples. This was usually difficult for us to communicate. She couldn't understand how I could be so clueless to not to know that I was doing this, while I really did feel clueless, because she couldn't give me the example of what I did. (She tended to tell me however that it was when she was unhappy with me "while we were eating dinner yesterday" for example, but not the specific thing I did that made her unhappy.

At any rate, we have gone through a lot the past 2-3 years (and the ex wife has not helped to say the least), but we did decide to go through Dr. Harley's His Needs/Her Needs class which started this February. At the same time we have been seeing a marriage counselor. (On my end, I had been unhappy primarily with the lack of sex, and didn't understand how this all fit in to all of the dynamics of our marriage) We went through the class and this class seemed to really be doing a lot of good. We ended the class on May 13, and gave feedback on how the class had helped, etc. Kim had written that she now loved me again, and that her love bank balance was gone when the class had started. She also wrote that this class has given her the tools that we need to repair our marriage. She even said that I am her best friend.

However, now she has given up hope. She feels that we bring each other down and no longer has any romantic love for me and requests that we separate. I tried to tell her even though we have had problems for a long time, that this class (started in February of this year) is what I thought we had looked at as a new beginning, not looking at this as how hard it has been for so long. She says that this has been so hard for her for so long, and that she's too tired and hopeless to continue any longer.

She says that the straw this time that broke the camel's back what when I told her that I felt like she didn't care about me, and was just going through the motions of working on some of my important needs (like domestic support, cooking, etc). We talked about this issue previously, and she told me she had wished that I had said something like, "I know this isn't true, but sometimes my feelings get away from me and I start thinking that you don't care of me" instead. She also says that she hasn't told me how she feels when I do something that makes her unhappy, since she is afraid that I will get upset at her and be sad. She also said that before it has been really hard to not have much say as a parent, since she is not my son's biological parent. At any rate these have been really hard for her. I tried to tell her that these are some of the conflict that Dr Harley (in his course materials) says are painful and need to be worked through to get back to intimacy.

She also feels like I get hopeless, when I feel sad that we are not having sex and that it is hard for me (I'm sure that I bring this up too often). I am also asking her a lot if she is starting to feel closer to me from doing some of the things that she says she needs: giving her nonsexual affection, being kind, complimenting her, etc. At any rate she says that she doesn't have any more romantic love for me, and that we should separate.

She also says that I promised her the things that I wanted to give her almost a year ago, when she had asked me to move out, but that this still hasn't happened. When I asked her, she says she doesn't want to continue to pray for our marriage, she doesn't want to continue to see our marriage counselor, and she isn't interested in meeting with our His Needs/Her Needs support group anymore. (I don't know about others, but at the conclusion of our class, we agreed to meet once a month or so with the other couples that were in our class to support each other.) We also haven't revisited the curriculum and strategies that we learned about to work on in this class, and we have not seen our marriage counselor since then either. I feel that we have stagnated. At the conclusion of the class (one month ago), we agreed that this was just a start, but I feel that we have not actively worked on the strategies that we learned about.

Anyway, I tried to point out to her the positives. We just started this a few months ago, and that there has been some pain in the conflicts that we have gone through, and how can things just change in one month. She claims that she did have renewed hope and did feel hopeful and all during this class. I have even showed her that I am reading self talks books now to learn how to be more positive, and also of the breakthroughs. I think it is just too much pain for her. I have even told her that if she finds the name of a counselor (for me personally), I will go and find out how I can work on myself and my problem with being depressed about sex, for example. I have told her that just like any sickness, I need some help from her in getting the help I need to work on myself.

I would really appreciate some advice or feedback on this issue, as we have decided I should start moving out as soon as I can. Should I completely leave her alone? Should I hold her to what she said 1 month ago and ask her more about how this can just change in one month? I have even asked her if she would be willing to work together on strategies to be more optimistic and positive. Should I continue to be kind and make dinner for her, do special things for her, ask her to do things together, even though I have a big knot in my stomach?

It's easy to feel like I should just move out as soon as possible and move on with my life without her and stop calling her, but I just would appreciate some feedback and/or advice, because I don't understand how she could just give up after one month ago state that we now have the tools we need, and that her love has been restored. I feel like it would be good for her to learn how to change the way the thinks and to not just convince herself that it is over. I feel that she is just now looking at how long things haven't been going so well in our entire relationship, or at the things that do come up that reinforce this hopeless conclusion that she has drawn.

Please help!!!

Hello. Wow.. I felt like the whole time I was reading your post that you were talking about me. I feel the same way toward my husband who moved out a week ago after I asked for a separtation.

All I can say is that it really seems like you want to save your marriage. You are trying all sorts of ways, reading books, and even asked her to find a counselor for yourself.. that is so great on your part.
I do understand your wifes feelings though since I am in the same boat.
Just give her some space to sort things out in her mind. That is what I am asking for right now with my spouse. Since he has been gone, I have had tons of time to think about what I really want and need from our marriage together.
I was close to asking him home the other night, but I am going to give it some more time.
As far as the lack of sex goes.. if a woman doesnt feel like you are giving her everything she needs from you emotionally, then we feel like "why should I give you sex?" That is the stage I am in now also. I can not have sex with him and feel like I am being used when I feel as though he does nothing for me in return.

I would just tell you to give her some space. Let her know where you are and check in on her from time to time to make sure she has everything she needs. But let her have some alone time to sort out her thoughts.
It will do you both alot of good. Do not give up on your marriage, but know when to let it go. If that is what she wants and needs, just let her be happy in her life. Maybe she can only do that by herself. I keep trying to explain that to my husband and he doesnt quite understand it, but I am sure that she just needs to be happy.

I hope that I can help you in anyway. I can so relate to how your wife is feeling right now that it is scary.

Good luck... StayStrong.. and give her some space as hard as it may be.
Take care,
Heather

Thanks for the advice Heather.
I guess that I should just give her this space and just keep my mouth shut.

Can I ask a couple of other questions, Heather?

My wife has told me that she is not planning to work on our marriage at all. She just needs me to give her some space, and has been clear with me that she has no desire at this point to work on our marriage at all. Do you feel this way (or did you feel this way) about not having any desire to work on your marriage?

Also do you guys still see each other, or have dates with each other?

Thanks,

Gregg