He has just moved out a week ago and already telling me that he found out what he needs to do to file paperwork. I am so unsure if I want this divorce and I am afraid we are rushing. I told him that I wanted a separation for a while to get some thoughts together. He moved out, and has been somewhat nasty and distant ever since. He came over today to watch our daughter so I could go to work and had a list of bills divided in half. I agreed to that bc it was fair.

THEN he tells me " I have a friend who is getting divorced and he told me where and what to do and how much it is costing him".. (we are military and they will do it all at base legal).. for around $150 with nobody contesting anything.

I told him to go ahead and do what he needs to do, but it is so scary. I am the one who is unhappy in this relationship. I am tired of all the fighting and I think it is time to call it quits.. Obviously he does too. I havent even thought about filing for divorce yet. I just wanted to see how things would be if he left the house. So far, so good...

So how do I know if this is the right decision, and do I go along with it, or ask to continue the separation?

Any advice is great..
Thank you all,
Heather

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: StayStrong ]</small>

hi
I am sorry your heading in the way of divorce

STOP doing anything right now..

you need your own lawyer, to protect you,
by that I mean to look to your interest..
for the future, by that I mean..if you do what he does..it is a simple divorce..because it is uncontesed..I DO NOT believe it is done on base..
because they usually make you do concelling first and parent classes..so he is feeding you bull on that one..

if it is uncontested it means you get nothing..because all it requires is your signature.

don't sign go talk to your nso and find out the truth...and let his commanding officer know what he is doing even if you want a divorce..get the legal separation first..most states make it that you have to be legally separated first..

then you have to have legal papers drawn up for how much you will get him to contribute to the children and you.

he is responsible for..
helping with

lights
utilities
food
miscellanious
rent
car payment for you.
dental and medical
(when he gets out these will not be covered,)
(school supplies toilet paper toothpaste that stuff.)
the only way the goverment will be responsible for you is while married...when he dies you are eligable for monies from govt is survivor benifits..what will you do for now?
you are not being realistic and neither is he..things need to be discussed..tell him before you sign anything you need to see someone get a para legal..talk to toosad she is also going through this and knows some of the ropes now,.

please don't believe him..didn't you say he betrayed you then why trust him to do what is right now? he is just wanting out with as much as he can get..but he is responsible for the children and seeing they are taken care of, also if you hang on for the 10 years..you would be able to collect his social security if you get disabled..or dies an early death..so look into all of this..don't give up now..wait and do it right..
ok..?
talk to someone at the base..call nso national service officer..you do have great health care he is covered and so aren't kids..you won't be..kids will be continued but then when he gets out who will cover them??

you need some legal clout to keep him honest..
don't throw it all away..protect your assets..
what state are you in now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Staystrong,

Dont believe them when they tell you, you can get a divorce done on post that is a lie. SEcond it will cost you at least 4 or 500$ to file a noncontested divorce and if you contest it it could cost 1,000 or more.

I think before either of you decide on something this final maybe you should try the seperation for awhile just to make sure you arent jumping into anything and try to do the steps on MB's too. Of course the seperations is what distroyed my marriage ( i'm a military spouse too).

ARe you in the military also or do you work elsewhere? Is he nasty and distant towards you cause you asked for the seperation or did something else happen?

Ok.. I found out tonight that they will give you the paperwork and then it has to be taken to court. So they WILL NOT do the divorce on base..

Thank you ladies...
I think he is just blowing smoke up my butt when he says stuff like I am going to do the paperwork this soon. Maybe not? I dont know...

Anyhow.. of course I am not going to sign anything yet. I do have a legal person through my job ( I am not in the military ) who will go over anything with me and answer any questions.
I just want this all to be clean and no fights.
Of course I will get whats mine. He told me everything you ladies did (retirement, my benefits...) all that...

Anyhow.. I think the reason he is being distant and not wanting to see me or talk is bc it hurts him to bad to be around our house and me. He doesnt like to leave and have to say goodbye to the little one. Its ok though... it is a change that we all have to adjust to.

Thank you for your advice ladies..
Ill keep you updated..

~Heather

I'm glad you found out that they do not handle D on base. My H had the idea that he could do that as well but a mutual friend of ours that went through a nasty D told me all they do is give you some numbers of contacts and send you off. If they handled D on base they would have a waiting list because the D rate for military is sky high.

Stay Strong - this is where the spouse will be not truthful with you. I learned ffrom my ex-husband. He tried to tell me things, and they were lies. After 25 years of marriage. I trusted this man, and then to lose that trust is something that is hard for a woman to handle.

Get the advice from a professional. And get what is yours. Don't let this man bully you, and keep you dangling by a thread. He will let you drop in an instant, I KNOW!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Seems on a Marriagebuilders site (even in the Divorcing/Divorced section) there would be more support for working on this marriage than on making sure at this point the divorce goes well.

You said: "I am so unsure if I want this divorce and I am afraid we are rushing". If I were asked to move out of my home, to be separated from my wife and daughter, I don't know how I would take it. I would be hurt and I would feel like striking back, and that is how your husband might be responding.

Are you sure you WANT this divorce? What were the factors that made you want to separate? If there was not physical or sustained emotional abuse, no addictions, nothing that jepordized your safety or that of your child, just arguing and LBing, than counseling should be the first step, NOT separation.

Do you WANT to give your marriage a chance?

Heather,

I'm really sorry to hear that this has gotten worse, at least the emotions and worry about getting screwed on the divorce.

While I can't answer your question on this type of on base divorce (it sounds like others have given you a lot of advice already), I can tell you what I would be feeling if I were your husband (Thanks for your advice about my separation), since you had told me that my situation sounded just like you. I had noticed that your original post on this topic was about 1/2 hour later than your response to my post.

I would think that your husband is just responding with hurt like you said. I know that just after my wife asked for a separation, I told her, "What's the point? Why don't we just get this over with as soon as possible, since that is obviously what you want" It sounds to me like he is doing the same thing as me. When I said that, I think I was actually hoping that my wife would say something like, "No, I'm not ready for that yet,instead of, "Well If that is what you want.."

I know I too don't know how to feel. It's hard (for me at least) NOT to be distant. To me, my wife asking for separation, makes me feel like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. To me it is hard to think that there is any reason to NOT be distant. People deal with the hurt and pain differently, I think.

I know I don't even know if my wife wants me to hug her at all, or even ask her to do anything or to even be close to her in any way. I feel that she can't wait for me to leave and is stressed out with me being there, even though we don't argue anymore, and that I haven't been getting sad anymore, and that I have tried to just talk about normal things that people would talk to each other about. If I was your husband, I could see just wanting to get it over with to save face, and to maybe "prove" to you that he doesn't care. If it were me, I might be hoping while "proving" this to you, that you would miraculously somehow say that I wanted you back.

Maybe you should just tell him something like, "I'm not ready for divorce yet. That is not what I want yet, and I know this hurts you what we are going through. I never asked you for more than a separation." (if that is the case) He is probably (if he is like me) looking for a way for you to stroke his ego and hear that you do still care (if you think you might possibly), but that you still need him to prove some things to you by his actions. I would somehow give him hope (not that it will work out) that it does not yet have to be over yet, but he needs to not pressure you with this right now.

Anyway sorry for so much rambling, but that is how I might be feeling, since you said that you thought our situations were identical in many ways. My wife may be different in the respect that she can't possibly imagine herself feeling any different towards me (romantically) even if I stopped my emotionally abusive behaviors towards her.

God Bless you.

I will pray for you

Gregg

StayStrong,

First of all, if you don't want the divorce, DON'T say you will go along with it. As Gregg just wrote, sometimes people threaten or file for divorce out of hurt and pain - While it isn't the best reaction, it is their reaction to the situation. By you simply agreeing to it, or participating with it, you are giving the impression back to your husband that THIS IS what you want - when what you just wrote all says that this is NOT what you want.

At times like these people often lie or close-down to protect themselves and their feelings. My thoughts are to tell him if he really wants the divorce, then he will need to work the process himself. That you will get an attorney, but ONLY to protect yourself. That you don't want the divorce and you think there maybe hope for the two of you, BUT if he does not agree, then you won't stand in his way...

I have posted it here many times before, DON'T simply participate with a divorce if it ISN'T what you want. There are only minimal requirements that you would have to meet IF he proceeds with the divorce all on his own. You can then get an attorney ONLY to protect your interests. But why so many people participate in a process that they don't believe in, is beyond me... Is it easy to NOT participate? Nope - you will be getting "advice" from ALL types of people - many who have been divorced themselves and who may still have unresolved anger of their own.

Do what you believe is right in your heart...

God Bless,
Mike