Okay, I knew it would happen sooner or later....but The Tall One did something that triggered me BIG TIME and I let out on him. It has had a significant effect on our relationship, and I am regretting it a lot. He KNOWS why it happened, and that what I said has nothing to do with him per se (and he has a particularly vindictive X)....but still there is a wall up that wasn't there before. I hate it, because to me the wall was put there by my X.

I have spoken to TTO and he understands, and now we have some measures in place to counter the effects of triggers. But I am incensed that my X canb still bring out the worst in me...as I thought the worst of the situation before even asking questions. UGHHHH!!! X would delight in this knowledge.

Add to the fact that Expat X is in town for a few days to try and get work in Oz because his overseas contract has ended, and you can see that I am under a lot of stress right now.

Any advice you can give me to help keep my new relationship 'clean' of fallout? I would so appreciate it. He is SUCH a good guy, I don't wanna spoil it.

Love and light,

Jacky

he is only the first of possible good guys, keep that in mind, you are more important in your healing that whether he stays around or not. . .

take you time in recovery, and be sure that you are comfortable with yourself. . .it does get easier in time. . . as long as you work on yourself, and learn about yourself.

wiftty

I am having the same problems, Nina. Maybe it goes with the territory.

We do have baggage this time round....and triggers do happen.

I also wish that I could just let it go...but unfortunately, the hurts are still there...and every now and then, they are triggered.

Wish I had better advice to give you. Take care Pat

I am sorry for the triggers. I still cringe when I see a woman on a Harley. Or Maxxim magazine at a store.

But pray alot. Pray harder and ask God to make those things less significant.

And remember, TTO was not the one who left. He's different. Different guy. whole different set of situations.

Does his x wear clickety shoes?
Tell us a bit more so we can help. What was the trigger specifically? How can we help best?

I am still not sure. I just remember last year when I went to this other counselor (she was great and was one to actually help me see that I had lived through incredible abuse...Jethro always blamed abuse on me saying I made him cheat, lie, push, etc.) This counselor told me that "I could go through my whole life and run into probably very few people of the negative caliber of Jethro." and that I should sleep well knowing that fact.

Also, even though your x was just wierd and really foggy and adulterous and abandoner, that there's another 50% of the population that doesn't think like he and clickety do. That there's a whole half of a world, maybe even 3/4 of a world that believes like we do. That families are important. That marriages are worth something. And that people matter.

Just think that TTO is probably so different from you x that that may be what's making you nervous. What I am scared of is finding someone and feeling very comfortable. The counselor told me that "we're comfortable around what we are used to". Growing up I had a very verbally abusive mom and someone who was always trying to push me andpush me into being this incredible overachiever and it almost burned me out by age 17. Is it any wonder I married someone like jethro now? I married what I was "used to". He was my comfort level. She also warned me when I dated to be wary of this and to know that I may feel that the really nice guys are "boring" or "not adventerous" or somethinglike that. Why? People who lie and cheat to their partners are all about thrills and excitement. The nice ones just aren't too concerned with that, while they may like it a little, they aren't extremists. She said to give the nice guys a chance. They won't push you or prod you and like you just the way you are. And that can be strange to someone who grew up with and lived with something else.

Just go watch Bridget Jones' Dairy and you'll understand. She ends up with TTO dark and handsome yet somewhat quirky lawyer at the end. He wasn't smooth or suave like the other guy, her editor and boss, but he was real and not a cheat and liar.

And fill us in on the specifics Jacky. Good to hear from you.

And say hello to TTO.

Ya know, one day it would be fun to wear in the presence of xH and clickety at a function some very high cutsie heels that make a clickety clack noise. That might make you bury that trigger forever...And it'd be hilarious.

Maybe I'll rent a harley for a day in a few months. Although this Peach wasn't born to ride or vacation in Sturgis.

After the dinner party last night, I've decided to let the last 10 pounds off and get maybe a belly ring. Found a cute one that doesn't have to get pierced to have. Thought I'd get one and after the d is signed, that will be my new thing to do. My little rebellion. And wear the sterling toe ring on the right foot. Right being side for single.

Don't worry. You'll be fine. What's important is you are communicating this trigger to TTO. You are talking openly. Radical Honesty right? Good idea. Still follow MB principles and think things will be ok.

Jacky,

And the rest of the gals here. I'm in a situation where I now see that I also triggered some pain and anger in the woman I'm now dating. Up until the past few months, things were great with us! But because of my own fears about being hurt again (the more we talked about getting married, the more the fear grew in me), I began to withdraw and to her it came across as me being selfish (which is a MAJOR trigger for her).

I've apologized and told her that was TOTALLY out of character for me (and it really was) but she still wanted "a break". It has been 4 weeks since we've talked (she said she'd call). I'm trying to respect her space, but it is so hard - I've been hurting a lot without her. I love her. I know she needs to overcome her fears, herself, but is there anything that I can do (or not do) to help? If it were you, is there anything the new man in your life did or would do that would help you see through the fears to see who he really was?

I'm thinking about calling her, but I don't know if that is what I should do or not.

Should I call - shouldn't I call...

thanks!
mike

Two years with a gentle, sweet, patient man, and I still cringe when I've gone and said something that might have pushed ex over the edge.

I've had to explain to him that I am not comparing them in any way (now that WOULD get his goat if I did that) but that I am reacting out of habit, and that it will take more than two years to get rid of eight years of triggers.

It gets better. It just doesn't do it fast.

Mike,

That's a tough one. Can you call at a time when you know you'll have to leave a message? Hopefully she's missing you too, and wishing you'd make the first move. Sort of a prove-your-love thing that some women seem to like. Nothing pushy, just a miss you, been thinking about you, and us, and want to talk when you're ready ... leave the ball in her court but throw the ball over!

Jacky,

Your right, it will happen eventually..

So what do you do?

You acknowledge it..when it happens..

You apologize for taking your hurts out on them..

And you explain to NP why it hurt you so much this way, if it's an action that is typical of them --they can either look at themselves and say..

Okay, I really care about this person, and if it hurts them when I do this, I will work to change it..

Or they can say---you know, this is something I don't really want to change about myself..I'm sorry it hurt's you..but it's who I am...

If they are willing to make changes great..

but, if they aren't..then based on all the information...you can then ask yourself some additional question's..

Is this behavior such that I can accept it, because, they aren't doing it to intentionally hurt me? they aren't my ex, yes, my ex hurt me when they did this...

but..

Can I live with this long term?? If not, and they aren't willing to make changes, then should I really continue in this relationship??

but you can only do that through open and honest communication about what the hurt was..and why--

And the wall your feeling in your current relationship is one of your own making Jacky..

yes, your ex did something in the past to hurt you..but, this isn't your ex..this is a new relationship..

Was what he did --done out of spite? to you or to someone else? If so, then yes, I would be cautious...as it would be a major red flag of how he may treat you later...

Ask yourself--what were the motives behind his actions or words? and in what way has your ex done the same thing in the past to intentionally hurt you? (or with different of the same motives?)

Don't look at triggers as a bad thing..look at them as tools to help you grow in a deeper understanding of yourself and each other..they become the caution sign's of our hearts..of something that has the potential to cause is hurt..and how they can cause you both to grow..

but if the relationship is worth it--for both of you, you need to talk about all of these things..
what was done, why it hurt, and how can we work through this, so that it doesn't happen again?

And it sounds like the two of you did that..

now, all you can do about the wall, is not allow it to be built..and that can only happen by sharing openly and honestly with each other..

And the only way to keep this relationship free of fall out..is by learning to talk about problems as they arise..even if it means you need to step back and look at the situation..and say
"okay, why did this bother me??" and once you know that answer, then talk about the problem with NP, and try to come up with a win-win
solution..

I Hope this makes sense..

ex-Princess Buttercup,

She asked for time and said a few times "she would call me". 2 weeks ago I wrote her a long email. I know it wasn't the best means of communication, but we met on the Internet and we have emailed each other every day since we met. Anyways, the email was a letter I wrote to her one morning about 2 weeks ago. In it I told her everything that was in my heart - how I felt about her - how I was sorry and was asking for her forgiveness - how the "issues" that used to be a big deal for us (like the distance between us) have become so minor to me, when compared with not having her in my life.

I wrote that I would do whatever we needed to do, to try and work through this, but that I also realized that she may not be able to recover the feelings she once had for me and that I would accept and respect that.

I ended by telling her to take as much time as she needed, that I wasn't rushing her, that I wanted her to be sure of her decision...

Now I feel if I turn around and call her, it would be a love-buster... I also sent a card last week saying nothing but that "I was there for her."

And yes, you are right, it is a "tough one"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Last time I went through something like this, I err'd on doing too much - too much contact. I don't want to repeat that mistake... But I also don't want her to "forget" about me...

Thanks!
Mike

Mike,

I'm sorry, I thought there had been no contact for a month. If you've emailed and sent a card, and no response, then I amend my prior post ... I definitely would wait for her call and not possibly push her with more contact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoTired2000:
<strong>Jacky,

And the rest of the gals here. I'm in a situation where I now see that I also triggered some pain and anger in the woman I'm now dating. Up until the past few months, things were great with us! But because of my own fears about being hurt again (the more we talked about getting married, the more the fear grew in me), I began to withdraw and to her it came across as me being selfish (which is a MAJOR trigger for her).

I've apologized and told her that was TOTALLY out of character for me (and it really was) but she still wanted "a break". It has been 4 weeks since we've talked (she said she'd call). I'm trying to respect her space, but it is so hard - I've been hurting a lot without her. I love her. I know she needs to overcome her fears, herself, but is there anything that I can do (or not do) to help? If it were you, is there anything the new man in your life did or would do that would help you see through the fears to see who he really was?

I'm thinking about calling her, but I don't know if that is what I should do or not.

Should I call - shouldn't I call...

thanks!
mike</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Its easy to get out of character, because of the pain administered by the EXs. Most of the time people take out their frustrations on the ones closest to them and actually still try and fight and argue like they did in their previous relationship. I make it a point to not make the same mistakes with my new partner and refuse to lose her over mess that happened in the past. My current lady is absolutely nothing like my EX. She is a much more pleasant person to be around.....I'll be dayumed if I will lose her over the past. God Bless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ex-Princess Buttercup,

That is what I'm thinking... And what seems to be the answer to the prayers I've been praying. Seems like God is just telling me to "stop and have faith in Me" - to not get ahead of His work. I have a gut feeling that He is currently working in her life - in my life - maybe to prepare us to get engaged. Sure I can think it won't workout, but why be negative. If she breaks it off, then I have all the time in the world to be sad. For now, I'm just going to have faith and trust in our love.

Sometimes that is so much easier said than done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If I love her as much as I say I do, then I need to respect her wishes and have faith in her, faith in myself and faith in God...

Thanks for your advice!
mike