Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers on the death of my aunt last week.

We drove up to Fargo....I was thinking of you daybreak on the drive up. The funeral was a wonderful celebration of her life. It was very good to see all of my family (except my mother who was too ill to make it there)and loads of old friends and neighbors. I was so moved by my uncle--his love for her was so intense--they were married for 51 years. They raised three great sons and battled her cancer for 12 years. Amazing. She was a lucky women.

The contrast to my old marriage was huge. Yesterday would have been my 23 wedding anniversary. The air show was going on--which for years happened on our anniversary. We were always working on our anniversary with booths for the squadron---he would always promise to do something special---if he even remembered it--another day. Of course that day would never happen.

Anyway, yesterday I picked my son up from a 3 day camp...and drove him home just in time for my exH and his OW to take my younger kids for the weekend. They parked in front of my house and my exH got out of the car. I walked out there with my son...and before I could even think, the words came spilling out of my mouth. I said "Happy anniversary...seems like our anniversary always occured on airshow days....He looked surprised...and kind of mumbled yeah. Then his bimbo got out of the car and walked up to me and said "I am so sorry about your aunt". I said "I am sure you are. Too bad you weren't available to be here for the kids". (They were supposedly in Florida planning their wedding. I called to tell my ex--but he didn't pick up the phone. So, my friend watched my two younger kids while we drove up to ND ) She was going to say something else...and I kind of shooed her off with my hands. She said "What?" I said "you know, this is my home, my property, my kids and my anniversary...please just get back in the car." She said "Oh" and got in the car. My ex looked very irritated...but didn't say anything....the kids came out then and I told them that my older daughter and myself may see them at the airshow. My husband said "Why would you want to go out there"..."I answered Why not?"-----

Last night I went to church...and the sermon was on being a good father and husband. It was so hard to sit through. He was talking about how fathers need to be the head of the household and wives needed to submit to their Husbands. Husbands are supposed to love their wives like Christ loved his Father. You know what...I did that....My respect wasn't there the last years of our marriage--but his actions determined that. Oh well...Sorry, I am just rambling....

Also have an issue with the man I have been seeing. He is wonderful, most of the time. He has made himself a part of my family--the kids love him....and he has been so helpful and kind. He spends a lot of time over here----except when his kids are around. I have just recently met his younger kids--but he really keeps me separated from his older kids. It is so obvious and so strange. Yesterday, there was a big wedding in his family. I was invited by my friend and also by his nephew who was the person getting married. When he handed me an invitation, he said "I know you are coming with ---anyway, but I want to give you an invitation also." As the wedding approached this week, he mentioned less and less about the wedding. I mentioned it a few times, and he didn't really say anything--then Friday night he said, "Well, I am going to be really busy tomorrow. I have to do blah, blah, blah." So, I finally said "Do you want me to attend the wedding..." He just rambled on again about all that he had to do...and then he said "you don't need to feel obligated to come." Ouch....He called last night after the wedding at about 7:30 to see what I was doing--I wasn't home at the time. Then he called back at about 8:30---and by that time all the events of yesterday came to a head--and I couldn't even talk to him. I felt betrayed by him, by my exH, by life in general. I told him I couldn't talk to him last night.

I talked to him now--actually because my new refrigerator quit working--and I just went to the grocery store. Can't get a repair person here until Thursday. So, I called him to see if he knew of anything I could do to get it working. He asked how I was doing, I told him ok. He was at a reception at my friend's house for brunch this morning. He said I seemed depressed last evening--which I was. He wanted to know why, so I told him. I told him what happened with my H yesterday...and then I also said that I was disappointed in his behavior with the wedding yesterday. He said "well, I wanted you at the wedding yesterday" and I told him that it was obvious that he didn't. I told him that I have overlooked this issue for over a year--he doesn't want me to be around when his older kids are there. He needs to resolve that in order for our relationship to move anywhere.

I really hate divorce. All of our lives are so tangled up in this mess. This man has become a part of our lives--it just happened--but there is an issue with him and his kids. I wish I could just not take everything so personally--but my feelings get hurt....

Well...enough of my pity party. I better go do something with my rotting food. I bought paint yesterday to start tackling some other rooms in this house. Maybe if I start focusing on projects, I can get my mind off my relationships.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. This divorce has really shaken my self confidence up...and at times I just feel so lost and alone. Even when my kids are around.

Oh well...time to get going. Thanks Pat

(((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))
Thought you might need that..
Sorry to hear about your day yesterday.. Just remember that tomorrow is another day.

I too am going through a painful time, but it is helping me when I remember to take things one day at a time. Ive been in a 6 year military marriage that is close to an end (we are separated and discussing divorce) and it is tough.

Hope you have a better day.. Hold you head up high..

Prayers and Hugs,
StayStrong

Dear StayStrong,

Thanks for the encouragement...this is the hardest experience I have ever faced in my life. I am trying so hard to let go...but many times am overwhelmed by circumstances. I know I have said it so many times--but this final betrayal by my exH--especially at this time in our life when we should have really been doing well is very difficult to face. Sometimes it is hard not to dwell on what could have been and what should have been. Most days, I am too busy with work and the kids's activities to do any thinking. When he gets my younger kids (and he always brings bimbo to pick them up) it always sends me into a downward spiral. It is getting pathetic---my mantra today has been "Let it go, Let it go, Let it go". I sure don't want people remembering me at my funeral as the lady that couldn't get over her jerk of a husband. I have been praying all day to God to get me over feeling this humongous hole in my life. Maybe if everyone prays--it will somehow happen.

Thanks again Pat

I am doing better this afternoon...busy cleaning and trying to figure out what in the heck is wrong with my Sears refrigerator--it is only 2 years old. I think I lost a whole refrigerator full of food....it smells pretty bad.

MNM---I feel the same way. Kicking myself everyday for the way I feel. Why can't I just let go. Why do these men have such a whole on us? I know many people divorce and I guess, some are relieved that they are free from the marital woes they lived in.

A man at our church died 2 weeks ago and I find myself envying his widow. She looked beautiful today and very bright and cheery. I envy the fact that she can have closure on her R with H. We may never have that and that SUCKS big time. I have often wished my WS died, it would have been easier. I would not struggle with the feelings everyday that things may one day work out and he and I will reconcile. Also when a spouse dies, everybody sends you a card and prays for your grief and mourning. Who prays for the grief we deal with everyday!!!!!! We are the only ones who know that it feels like each and every day. UGH

I could never accept bimbo in mine and kid's lives so my heart goes out to you. Sorry that you have to have your nose rubbed in his poop and he parades his infidelity in front of you and the kids (like it is normal or something).

Sorry you feel lost and alone. I struggle with those feelings also so hugs to you((((((hug))))))))

TW

Thanks TW,

It is sometimes so hard. The grief is still tremendous and the hurt and pain don't feel much less than they did before.

I don't know why I can't let go either...I may have to go back into counseling...because it just isn't improving for me. I still miss him...I miss our marriage and our family. He obviously doesn't feel that way...and he definitely has issues that haven't changed...but I miss our family. I hate seeing what it is doing to the kids. I hate everything about divorce. I miss his family. I miss being part of each other.

My mom said again today that I have to let it go. She told me I was reaping the consequences of my decision to marry him and stay with him all of these years--even after his affairs. She told me to be strong and focus on my kids. I usually do ok...but I feel like I am dying inside. I don't know how to change that. I still love him, and I miss him. Maybe I just miss the specialness of our family--I know logically that he didn't treat me well---but God, I wish he would change and realize how important we are to him. I sound pathetic don't I. I don't want to go back to what we had---but I would like to go into a new relationship with him and our kids. Pipe dream, huh?!!!!!

Hey Pat,

Weird, my Sears fridge went out a few months ago also & it was only 2 yrs old too. Lost all the food; however with the extar warrenty, I did get $200, of course that no where came close to replacing the lost food.

Sorry you are going through a rough spell. It would/will be our 23rd also this yr. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm still not D. I'm not sure why but neither one of us does anything about it. Very long stroy.

OS finally graduated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then promptly broke his foot the next night at one of the many grad parties. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Think he just tries to find ways to make my life harder.

hope you feel better soon.

Hey Sing,

Good to hear from you....a broken foot?????? How did he do that?

My oldest daughter is home too. Quite an experience dealing with her. She considers herself and adult now and is constantly stretching her boundaries. Only a month and a half to go before she goes back to school. I love her dearly but.....

I don't know if I would like being in the in-between-limbo---but at least you still have a chance at restoration. I hate divorce---boy, if I could counsel anyone about the effects forever on the family. The ripples keep getting bigger. I think that is what bothers me the most.

I admire those people who just move on...I guess you just make a choice and do it, no looking back. But gosh, that is so hard to do. Oh well, have to run to school. Have a good day. Pat

She was going to say something else...and I kind of shooed her off with my hands. She said "What?" I said "you know, this is my home, my property, my kids and my anniversary...please just get back in the car." She said "Oh" and got in the car.

I don't think you meant for this to be funny... but you made me laugh so much reading this! Good for you girl! You showed your strength, and put the OW in her place, and with dignity and class too!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My anniversary is coming up on Saturday (June 21), and I'm not sure how I'll be. Part of me thought to send H a "happy anniversary" card out of spite... but that wouldn't do any good for anyone. It's just another one of those fantasies I guess... only it's not a fantasy to reconcile, but a fantasy to stir up trouble in his new R. hehehe.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time lately. This grieving process truly is terrible. We all need to "let go" of it... but really... that's so hard to do, especially when children are involved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

(((((((( MNM ))))))))

Karen

I agree---the grieving process is terrible. I am so tired of it. I want closure but don't know how to get it.

The refinancing and selling me out of my house is really getting to me and has caused me to relapse into more grief.....UGH!!!!!!

TW

According to my counselor, all this is a stage of grieving. The betrayed spouse is the one who is hurting the most. They are the ones to see that the spouse that they gave their heart and soul to betrayed and lied and feel no remorse about their reactions. Yes Misery... to have your spouse died would of been much more easier to handle than this. Divorce is so much worse than death. There is a final ending to death. There is the peace of mind to death. In a divorce, there is so much pain, so much suffering, so much turmoil, and unending answers.

I an experiencing the same pains you are. I am recently divorced end of May 03. And the pain is still no lighter. I feel for my husband, but I see by his reactions and words that he feels nothing towards me at all. All he can do is tell me how to cooperate. How he gave me everything. How I am going to be okay on alimony of $15K a year, tax deductible. He tells the kids, how much money I am getting. Well, my kids, I have shown the bills that SNL hasn't paid, I had to borrow money to pay, and I had to borrow to pay for past due electrical and gas bills. I had to pay for overdue house insurance. And I don't work, and have a note from my doctor that I cannot work for at least 3 more months, from the injury SNL caused to my shoulder that I had surgery for 3 tears on my right rotator cuff. But he doesn't acknowledge the tear, or his part in tearing my shoulder. Just how I caused it, and how if I would of just walked away, I wouldn't have gotten hurt. But a big brut he was, he didn't touch me and drag and spit in my face and call me a fu*king bi*ch. Yeah, SNL did all of this.

You have to let this go, and it is hard. I enjoy my days the most when I don't hear anything from SNL. I don't answer the phones of the business anymore. Don't have to, and don't want to unless he pays me. But he won't, so therefore, I won't answer the phones. I have worked for him since 1990 FULL time without pay.

To have your spouse talk to you, and ridicule, and say things that are unthoughtful are part of the wayward spouse babble. Turn everything back onto them. It is part of Orchids plan, and it does work. When you turn it back on them, they either shut up, or tell you you are crazy, or are not coopoerating. I don't play in my x-husbands games anymore, at least try not to. He is in his babble fogg... and trying to convince me that I am a rotten person, and uncoooperative person. I am a most cooperative person, and trying to not rock the boat. That is waht I have done most of our marriage. I was afraid to do anything without asking him. I was afraid to tell the kids that they could go over a friends house, cause he would come home, and yell at me if the kids weren't home. He would ask me why I did something that he didn't want me to do, cause it is the control of an individual.

Take control of your life. Give up on your husband. I know you would like your marriage back. But the old marriage will never be back. Maybe a new marriage with your x-husband could be back. The statistics show that if you remarry your husband with a new marriage. The chances of this marriage working are very good. You both learned about the old habits, and don't redo the pattern.

As for myself and my marriage. It is over. I never would want the old marriage back. My husband controlled me, didn't listen to me very much. Put me down, and wouldn't let me be me. Now I am trying to be me again. I am trying to do things that I enjoy. I have a friend a man that I talk to now. It is fun talking to a frined that is a man. Nothing serious, just a frined that I met at church. He listens, and I will never be more than a friend to him. Cause I told him up front that I don't trust men. I don't want another marriage. I divorced, because it was forced upon me. I divorced, because my husband was an adulterous man, and was a mean spirited man, and yelled and hurt me many times. I told him that my husband yelled at the kids, and yelled at his mother. I told him that my husband compared me to his bimbo, and that hurt many times. HOw my husband wrote to marriage builders how wonderful the bimbo was, and how rotten I was.

Anyways, I won't marry again. The only person I will marry would be my husband if he chooses to be a considerate, thoughtful, kind man. Otherwise, I will be satisfied, doing things that will make me a wonderful person.

Look into your childrens life and your life.

As far as your friend not wanting to be together with his older children and you. That is a red flag. I am not very suspicious of red flags, and it seems there are going to be many red flags up in any future situations.

Don't move into anything right now. You have to decide what and who you want to be. You are a mom, and that is the most important thing right now.