I was just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do. I've been divorced for about 20 months now, and I waited a year to date again. I dated a nice Christian man for 9 months, but ended it about 7 weeks ago. I really enjoyed spending time with him, but I couldn't see marrying him, which is what he was ready for. I think I was definitely not ready for marriage, but I am also wondering if I have unrealistic expectations. I have found that 80% of the time, I am fine being alone. So I think "He'd really have to knock my socks off for me to date him." Is that the wrong way to go about it? Am I like my cheating ex H, who wanted to feel that special new love feeling for the entire relationship? I argued to him that new love turns into mature love, which is more about being secure, having mutual goals, and having trust and love that while isn't always exciting, is real life. I don't know if this little ramble even makes sense, but maybe someone will get it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
WhoAmINow (Krista)

Don't ever settle for anything less!
No, you are not like your cheating Ex.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel like that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I argued to him that new love turns into mature love, which is more about being secure, having mutual goals, and having trust and love that while isn't always exciting, is real life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ISN'T ALWAYS EXCITING but can still nock your socks off every once and a while! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WhoAmINow,

hmmm... Interesting. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I haven't been with my X for 3 years now, and I began dating a divorced woman about a year and a half ago. While the relationship was the best I've ever had (in EVERY sense), when we began talking about marriage the end of last year, I began to act differently to her. I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and that I so loved her, but the fear of "it" not working out began to affect me (I was the BS in my first marriage)- the more I began making actual plans to get engaged, the more the fear grew. Over the past few months I started acting selfishly which is TOTALLY out of character for me - almost forcing her to jump through hoops I think in some way to "prove her love for me".

Well about a month ago, she came to me and asked for "a break" - That she didn't know if she was still in love with me anymore... (Because I had been acting like a spoiled child and I know it reminded her of her X - who IS a 45 yr old spoiled brat - not beating myself up here - that WAS what I was doing - not proud of it at ALL)...

So here I am, still not knowing if we are broken up or together. We haven't talked on the phone in 4 weeks. I miss her terribly, but I'm trying to respect her wish for "time".

I guess what I'm saying is "don't underestimate the pain and fear you still have inside". I did. I thought I was "over" everything, but the closer I got to her, the stronger the fear became. It has taken me "losing her" (hopefully only temporarily, but maybe permanently) to see just how important she was/is to me. Only now I have to hope that she has enough love for me to overcome "her" fears and trust that I'm "really" the man she fell in love with...

I think I just rambled as well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you didn't feel ready for marriage, that was one thing. But did you discuss it with him? Asking if he could "wait" for you before the two of you got engaged, and just continued to date each other?

It is true we all should hold out for who we deserve, but we all need to be careful NOT to live by our fears and possibly lose the person we are/were meant to be with...

Quick story...

An ederly couple were living near a large river down South. The weather report came on and said that a hurricane was coming and everyone should evacuate. The couple sat down and said "God will provide". The next day a city official came to their house and said the river has run over the banks and the streets are flooding, that they need to evacuate. The smiled and said "We have faith - God will provide". Later that afternoon, the water had reached their house. A police officer in an SUV pulled up and waded into the front door. The older couple were sitting at the top of the stairs. The officer said, "come with me, the water is getting higher and higher". But the couple once again thanked him but said "We have faith. God will provide.". By evening, the water had reached the second floor of their home and the couple were actually sitting on the roof of their house. A fireman pulled up in a boat and asked them to get in - they needed to leave now. Still, their faith unshaken, the couple thanked him and said "God will provide".

The next thing they know, the couple is standing in front of God with a perplexed look on their faces. God asked them what was the matter? They said "We had such faith in you and your works, why did you let us down in our moment of greatest need? Why did you not provide for us?". God simply said: "I provided for you three times - I sent a city official, I sent the cop, and I sent the fireman. It was you who turned them away"...

Mike

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
I was just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I feel exactly the same. It's been 3+ years for me and I was dating a guy about a year ago, but we recently broke it off because he wasn't exactly honest with me....didn't help much with my learning to trust again!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...but I am also wondering if I have unrealistic expectations. I have found that 80% of the time, I am fine being alone. So I think "He'd really have to knock my socks off for me to date him." Is that the wrong way to go about it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think so. I too feel like sometimes I have unrealistic expectations. However, my expectations for who a man should be or how he should treat me are exactly the same as how I try to live my life and how I will treat my husband. I'm not a perfect person, but I do hold myself to a high standard and I really don't think I'll be happy unless I find a man who does the same.

I also want a mate who is willing to put the time and effort into growing the relationship as I am. And someone who wants our relationship to the very best it can.

Some days I feel like that means I might be alone the rest of my life, as so many of the men I meet DON'T seem to hold themselves to any standard! But like you, 80% of the time, that's okay. I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

A friend of mine keeps reminding me that I am a daughter of the King and a daughter of the King doesn't "settle" for less than the best. And since I don't always know who IS the best, I'm pretty much leaving that up to God....to bring him into my life, to help us recognize each other and to be the author of the relationship.

I pray about this alot because quite frankly, I do get lonely for an intimate relationship with a man. I really long for that and miss it. But I'm not desparate for it. And I just know I can't settle for less than I know the Lord has for me.

On another note, I've also made a "list" of qualities that I want in a husband. I also tried to prioritize them...some of the items are must haves. Many of them can be compromised on. I am aware that there IS no perfect man...HA...just like I'm not perfect.

There are books out there that can help you with this process of mate selection. I think it helps to know this stuff.

But the biggest thing is knowing yourself and reaching for the best you can. I think that a loving God and Father will provide us with that when we allow Him to.

Aloha,
Ms.O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>I think I was definitely not ready for marriage, but I am also wondering if I have unrealistic expectations. I have found that 80% of the time, I am fine being alone. So I think "He'd really have to knock my socks off for me to date him." Is that the wrong way to go about it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marriage is an enormous commitment that affects virtually every aspect of one's life. (If it doesn't, then I think the marriage is already in trouble.) Personally, I wouldn't make that commitment unless I was willing to make it my absolute top priority (except for my relationship with God). I wouldn't make that commitment unless building that marriage relationship was more important to me than every one of my personal goals and dreams combined.

Is that unrealistic? I don't care whether it is or not. You can call me a romantic idealist (and you'd be right), but from a selfishly pragmatic standpoint, I'm just living in accordance with my personal values. I value my freedom too much to sacrifice it for anyone unless I deem that sacrifice to be a privilege. (So I'm not holding out for someone I "deserve"; I'm holding out for someone who is more than I deserve.)

Of course, it's just my luck to have met someone for whom I believe I would be willing to make that commitment - but she shows no indication at all of developing any interest in me. That's one of the risks of setting one's sights so high...

Maybe a year wasn't enough time for you?
You will know when the time is right for you.
No one can tell us. We have to find it on our own.
If you are happy being alone for now, than I say be happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly