I decided it was time to change our bedroom into my bedroom, I moved the furniture around so it's not like I'm going into our bed but my bed.

WELL, I have a box with all the kids school stuff in it,you all know the pictures and mother's day and father's day home made cards, old report cards etc.

I long for my life back then I wish I could be happy like that again. I cried so hard that I scared my dog. I was taken back by my reaction to all of this and really thought I could just move my bedroom around.

I felt like I was in the middle of a storm and the only way to get out was to go through it and it hurt so bad. I found pictures and a card stbx gave me about how much he loved me. All of this was old stuff but it touch every nerve I had.

I feel I am doing so well and then I go back to square one all over again. I hate this!!! I pray , not for a miracle but for peace and for it not to bother me any more.

Why did God bless stbxh with a child? Why does he get the love of an innocent child? Why does he get the daughter that was our dream? Why? Why? Why?

I can't stop my mind for being jealous of this child, she has my stbxh and I don't. I know she is innocent and every child deserves a chance but she represents my loss. How do I get past it?

It holds me back!! I saw stbxh cell phone bill and he calls the oc mother almost every day to check on her well being. He says there is nothing between them but he doesn't trust her maternalness(I think I made up that word) and he has to check on his daughter.

Just hearing him say "my daughter" is like another knife through my heart. I tell him how I feel and of course he wants me to be part of this childs life but I just can't!

To see this child call him daddy and hang on his leg because I would be a stranger to her would just kill me. What would I be called auntie? I don't think so!

I ask God why did you bless a man with the love of a child when he doesn't deserve it. Why does he have what I wanted? He has another family to keep him busy so he does have time to dwell on what he doesn't have any more.

Me on the other hand have my youngest just graduate from high school and will be off to college this fall. I loss my h and go through empty nest all at the same time. I hate him for doing this to me, our family and us. This was suppose to be our time and now it's all changed. All for a selfish act, it kills me and I want to get past it.

How? What can I do? I work full time and I do love my work, I run and go to the gym, I go out with my girlfriends and have a very good support system. I also see a therapist. What else can I do?

I find the other day I rushed home only to remember there is no one to rush home too. I'm so sad and I'm back to crying alot. I want to be happy again.

Thank you for listening!
LJ

Pray

And ask us to pray for you (Which I WILL DO right this minute! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )...

Hang in there OK.

God Bless,
Mike

lj1122, I know to how you feel.

One minute your ok, the next you're sobbing like crazy. But you are healing. The hurt will not go away over night. I know because I can still cry over my WH, STBXH. It hurts and sometimes I feel like crying helps.

And I also think about all the WHY's. But try not to think about that. Someone once told me that it'll just make you go crazy, and it's so true. It will just make you more miserable trying to figure out WHY.

You're OKAY. It will pass, you'll feel better. You will feel happy again, just give it time! I promise.
((((((((((((((((lj1122)))))))))))))))
Lots of hugs for you!

You'll be ok! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know your pain lj1122. Be thankful for the kids you do have. I don't have any at all. I was told I did'nt deserve them and was denied them and same sentence she's decided to remarry and have some. I also moved furniture in my bedroom but broke down eventually and bought more to make it truly mine and mine alone for now. I live there now since it's the nicest room in the house. Hoping to get another dog so i do have something to come home to. Your happiness will come as I hope my does also. We're alive another day to find it. I'll pray for you as well. God's love does rain on us it's just that we sometimes have to find the cloud to stand under.

Thanks for the hugs and prayers I truly need them.

I feel better today but I just have to keep my mind busy so I don't dwell on the why's. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. What is hard is that no one in my family or his will feel the pain I feel and to see life go on is so hard. I want to yell "Don't talk to him don't you know what he has done" My head knows that is ridiculous but my heart doesn't think he deserves to breath.

My boys call and see him and that is what I want but when they do say something bad about him I say (in my head) good now he can hurt like I do. I hate what this has done to me because I have never been vengeful person but I want him to suffer. I hope this passes because it is a waste of my energy and makes my recovery long lasting.

My h was my best friend and to know he didn't respect me and caused all this pain is unbearable. I would never do this to him, I guess I am a stronger person. I think "did I really know him" what is real and what isn't.

The mind can drive us crazy and I need to shut my down because it causes me to think too much. I thank goodness I don't drink (well social)or do drugs because I can see how you can hide behind it. I know it would only cause more problems but I can understand why people use it because the pain sometimes is to great.

I can't wait for someday to come on here and write about how good I am doing like I see some veterns do. I just can't see the forest through the trees (I think thats right I always mess up sayings)

Hugs to everyone that need them!((((((( )))))))
LJ

lj1122,

The best thing you can do now is be true to yourself. Don't let anger take root... It WILL get hard, if it hasn't already. Sure you can get angry, we all do, but just try your best not to act out of the anger.

When I was going through it, I used to look in the mirror each day and think how I would be looking at my actions 3, 5, 10 years down the road. Would I be proud of what I was doing? Or would I be ashamed? I chose to remain a loving husband to my xwife all the way up to the day of the divorce, and even afterward. BUT I had to make that decision EACH day I was going through it. My X was in the fog big time...

I fought the good fight but lost the battle. Now I look back and see just how much I grew during that time. And how I now know that during the darkest time of my entire life, I still was able to find joy and peace. For me it was in God and in myself. If you look around each day, you will find small incidents and events to be happy about in your life - Try your best to focus on them and not on all the "why's"...

Fight the good fight. Even if you "lose" your marriage, you will gain so much more in yourself. Even the darkest days will pass - (sometimes that is the ONLY thought that got me through it all)...

God Bless,
Mike