I've been separated from my husband of 7 months for just over a week and it is killing me.<P>We started off as a long distance relationship. We talked almost every night and made as many trips to see each other as possible. We got along great and soon fell in love. We decided to get married and had a fairy tale wedding in Jamaica with just our immediate families. Things were great and we were happy. I had just graduated after going back to school for my dream job. My husband worked up north in a job that he liked but didn't provide much of a challenge. My husband really wanted to go back to school for his PhD, but was nervous about it. With my encouragement and support, he was accepted to school in TX. At first I was leary about moving so far, both our families live in the east and it would be difficult to start a family. But eventually I warmed up to the idea and began looking forward to it.<P>In Feb. I began to notice him pulling away. I thougt it was the stress he was under about returning to school. I confronted him about when I was feeling more like a roommate than his wife. He told me that he didn't feel that "spark" anymore. He said we once had it and it comes back in certain situations but he wasn't feeling it all the time (which I believe is normal). Things began to get progressively worse. He admitted to being depressed but wouldn't seek help. I was told that he loved me, but didn't think he could be married. I was told that he didn't love me. He has said he would never leave me but life would continue to be miserable. He thinks of himself as a bad person, although he has never done anything that would make me think that way. He told me it would be better off it I left, but than when I started packing, it wasn't what he wanted either. We decided to take a break for about a week to get our heads on straight. The time was approaching that we would be moving shortly and we wanted to figure out if I was going to accompany him. Well, a week turned into 7 weeks while he flip-flopped about me going with him. During that time, he did say I love you and also said he didn't. He finally went to an MD and was put on antidepressants. However, my husband tries to dull the pain by going to the bar on weekends and drinking, so I don't know how well the meds are actually working. <P>He told me he would wanted me to go to TX, but wasn't sure how much he could give me at the time. Basically, I would be there more as a friend than wife. I put it on the line and told him the only way I went with him would be if he sought therapy (easily gotten from the school) and rented a temporary place so I wouldn't move all my stuff out there. At that point he agreed, and a few days later I went back home.<P>After 14 hours of driving, he wasn't there! He called me at 2:30am wondering if I was there or not. There had been a miscommunication about when I'd return and I realized that and forgave him. Things were fine. We had a great first day back and things were like they were when we first married. He told me he was glad I was back and glad I was going to TX with him. I felt like things would work out. <P>We had an argument the following weekend partly due to his drinking. He knew he was in the wrong, but instead of admitting it, he told me to get out. Angrily, I packed my bags but never left. He passed out and I decided to leave int the morning. When we awoke we were barely speaking. I was miserable and wanted to fix things. I left for a few hours and came back, things cooled down. We went to a barbecue and had a nice time. On the way back, he apologized for acting stupid the day before, he was mad at himself because he new he made a mistake and took it out on me. The next day was fine. We spent the day packing and filling out the paperwork for the lease on our apartment. That night came to me out of nowhere, kissed me and told me he loved me and appreciated what i've been through with him. My heart melted as I saw the man I fell in love with. <BR>The next day, however he changed again. I made a silly comment about him walking around really queitly and bam! He carried on and then stopped talking to me. I couldn't believe how he was reacting. That night, he came home late from work because he stopped at a bar. First time ever doint that while we were married. He told me he wasn't mad at me, but he was disappointed at himself because he couldn't handle being married. I told him to make up his mind because I can't keep being strung around like this. <P>Two days later he did. We spent the night talking and he came to the conclusion that it would be best if we split-up. He would go to TX and I would go and find work somewhere. I was devastated. I desperately tried to find a way to not let this happen. He said it was for the best and that even though it hurts now, i'll get over it. He said he loved me but wasn't "in-love" with me. He knows he has problems with intimacy and runs when things get rough. He knows he was pushing me away because it is easier to be alone. My husband made it clear that it had nothing to do with me, that it was all him. <P>I believe my husband is deeply depressed and that he can't feel anything inside anymore. He is not letting the medication work because he is countering it with alcohol. He also knows he needs therapy but is helpless to go. The only good thing right now is that he did continue with his plan to go to school, which I believe will give him some confidence and a challenge in his life. However, he is now 1500 miles away and has given up all hope on our marriage.<P>As for myself, I don't know what to do. I want him back and believe that counseling would definately help us/him. I have a friend who's husband was also depressed and she is encouraging me to move to TX on my own in order to be close to him so I can fight to save my marriage. She strongly believes that he is not thinking clearly and shouldn't be making any drastic decisions in his state of mind. His thinking is clearly twisted up right now, but I don't want to do anything that will risk losing him forever. Please, anyone. If you have any ideas as for what i should do, please tell me. I love him, and will fight to save our life together, but I know I can't do it alone. I will be going to a counselor next week for myself, but I need some guidance now.<P>Being so far apart from him is killing me. It hurts to know that he is beginning to live a life that we planned on. I'm so confused and don't know if I'm kidding myself that our marriage can be saved if he doesn't want it.<P>I'm afraid that now he is in a new situation and can put me out of his mind. If he begins to feel better, will he only associate me with pain? Right now he says he could count the good times only on one hand. That is untrue. We had some really good times. Other than the stuff going on with his depression, we get along great. We enjoy each others company and laugh very easily with each other. Before the depression, our sex life was great. Afterwards, as typical with depression, his interest began to fade. <P>How can I get this man I love to seek help? I'm at the end of my life line here.<P>Sorry for being so long, i wish i could say it helps to write it down, but it really doesn't.

fishlady: this man sounds abusive emotionally. You have shared that he is an alcoholic. You have a very difficult choice to make...to move and fight for your M or to get free of this constant abuse toward you. I don't envy you the decision.<P>OM was an alcoholic in my case..a recovering one. He had been sober for over 7 yrs if he was telling the truth but he had very alcoholic ingrained behaviours. H and I were ministers and have worked with many addictive people. <P>I wish I could tell you one way or the other. People like your H need strong solid love like you have and yet seem so unable to receive it.<P>What do you need? I guess you have to ask yourself the old Ann Landers question: Am I better off with or without him?<P>You are so right about counselling, if he would agree it would be tremendous. If he won't and or you don't move to TX, still go for counselling yourself.<P>My in-laws divorced. My father-in-law regretted his choice for a second wife. My mother-in-law wore her wedding ring till the day she died and considered herself still married to "Dad" till the day he died. This is an option, too.<P>I hope others will come along with advice. How are things going now? Prayers are with you.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Fresh Start,<P> Thanks for your reply. Not much has changed with my situation since I wrote that. I'm still deciding whether or not I have it in me to fight.<BR> <BR> This may sound like I am in denial here, but I don't believe my husband is emotionally abusive. Yes, he has been inconsistent and has hurt me deeply, but he has never said any cruel words to me, nor has he belittled me, insulted me or even blame me. I know he is trying to be honest with me because he thinks I deserve better. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. The things that were said to me have affected me somewhat even to this day.<P> As for the alcohol, yes he has a problem but it hasn't arisen to the point of complete dependency. I'm not saying that he doesn't have the potential to do so, just that he does drink.<P> Thank you again for your support and prayers, it means a lot to have people who can relate, to talk to.<BR> <BR> K

Hey, K. Maybe I should have worded it differently. Perhaps it is that H can't treat himself in a non-abusive way...no, his alcohol not out of control but his behaviour..by that I mean not being able to accept your love with no strings attached (he is attaching them or detaching for no apparent reason)..his behaviour is borderline here.<P>You definitely have a powerful love. Only he can choose to be rescued by God. I pray you will be instrumental in his choice. <P>Love, FS

My friend <P>You have too many interruptions in your married life<P>You two need to be on your own for at least a month<BR>sorting things out and getting up together spending <BR>as much time close to each other as possible like<BR>a hug in the morning and a shower together<P>Breakfast and coffee<P>A walk hand in hand<P>No visitors and try to avoid telephone calls<P>A video together<P>Doing a puzzle together<P>Reading the post together that comes in<P>You reading the newspaper together and he<BR>afterwards<P>You write him a love note and put it on his<BR>pillow with a flower<P>Do the garden together Little parts of it<P>Do as many things together as you can<P>Discuss his ideas like fishing<P>Avoid discussions about his relationships<BR>with friends and mentioning their names<P>Just focus on the two of you<P>And let me know how it is going<P>Carol your friend<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com

Freshstart,<P> I understand what your saying about him not being able to treat himself better. It's sad to see someone you love feel like they deserve so little. And in the meantime push away one good thing they have in their life. Thank you for your prayers. I hope he can find his way to God and ask for his help.<P>Carolbo,<P> Your suggestions sound great. However, we are not in the same state any longer and therefore those things would be impossible. It's too bad I didn't find this site sooner. It would have helped a lot. Thanks and I will keep you posted.