Hi All:

I have been in "monitoring mode" for a while now just due to a busy work schedule.

My profile below tells the basic story. I am divorced; something I never expected nor wanted, but something for which I do take responsibility. It has been two months since the official decree and I am no further along towards accepting it. I know, give it time, give it time; two years etc. etc. There is a complicating factor though in all this.

My ex-wife has never said to me that it is 100% over; forever and ever over. On the day when she moved out (1 February 2003), she asked me why I was crying and taking it so hard. She said that to her, she moving out and the divorce was only a phase she was going through and that "more than likely", we would be back together in the future. Since then, I have had other conversations with her where she has indicated that she stll has feelings for me and a desire to eventually reconcile. She also has characterized our divorce as just a piece of paper. Divorce was just something she had to do because I broke our wedding vows and crushed her trust.

Dear friends, I am suffering . I can`t seem to let go and move on because I have a strong perception that she has not let go. How can I know if she has let go? Her favorite reply is "how can I know, I don`t have a crystal ball"
Do I give her an ultimatum? Or do I just continue Loving her patiently from afar.

I have also tried unsuccessfully to get us into counselling. I really believe talking holds the key for us, but all our talking was been one way. We have so much unfinished business, but it won`t work though unless it comes from her initiative. Whenever we do see one another, she just acts light and airy "tra la la" as if nothing significant has happened to our 22 year relationship. Nothing of substance is ever said. Perhaps she is blocked due to the guilt of leaving? But will she ever open up again?

All that I know is that I Love my wife and believe that our marriage can be restored.

These thoughts are being pondered unceasingly in Finland.

Standing in Finland

Hi Fin,

I've been wondering about you.

I don't have much advice since I haven't been D'ed.

Is the sports writer still in the picture?

How are the kids taking things?

-AD

Hi AD:

Thanks for replying.

I have no idea if the sports writer is still around, but I suspect he is. His attitude from the beginning (one year ago) with my x-wife has been to go very slowly; so I think this is just what they are doing. The painful part if not knowing for sure because there is zero information exchange between my x-wife and I.

There are two relief secenarios. 1.) My x-wife tells me that she has indeed found the love of her life and that there will never be a possibility of reconciliation for us, or 2) my wife agrees to return to the reconcilation process. It is so hard being in the middle, but I just have to accept that this is her life and I have no right or access to her feelings anymore. The feelings will come in time, but the waiting is the hardest part.

Our children are deeply affected. Their behavior has changed dramatically. I see this, but it seems my x-wife does not. She has not spoken to them at all about the divorce. In Finland, I guess, silence is golden. Silence though can also be very damaging in the long run.

Standing (and waiting) in Finland

Standing,

You say you have very little communication with your XW.

Are you hanging on to hope because of what she said the day she moved out? Or has she said something since then?

-AD

Hi AD:

My x-wife moved out on February 1st. During the first month, I helped her get settled, and we had some limited contact. During March, we didn`t speak at all; not one word. During April we met a few times during which time we discussed how time with the children would be divided. On each occasion, she was teary, regretful, and indicated that we could be together someday, but that she just needed time. Since late April however, her pride has seem to skyrocket due to having her own place. She has also been working round the clock trying to make ends meet. She took a second sales clerk job in a local shop. She therefore has no time to sleep properly nor take care of herself let alone for going deep into our issues.

I saw her today and she still maintains that she does not know what the future holds for us. She claims to have "no crystal ball". I asked her where her heart is. She does not know. I asked whether there is any hope for us. She neither said, "no, never", nor "yes, for sure". I asked her what she wants. She says she does not know. So do I just hang around? Would you describe her approach as cruel and manipulative, or is she just so confused that she truly does not know what she wants.

All I want to do with her is talk, talk, and talk. Who knows where it will lead, but I think it is important that we do it. She obviously though is not ready for this.

Standing Confused in Finland

Standing,

I don't think she is being cruel and manipulative. She just doesn't know what she wants. She's hurt and confused and at the same time probably a little excited to be out on her own.

I recommend that you don't ask "is there hope" etc. Don't talk about the relationship. Just be around if she turns up. Be ready to listen when she gets ready to talk. Meanwhile, be a good dad, take care of yourself and stay away from other women. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-AD

Hi AD:

You offer very good advice, and I am, for the most part, following it. I have been taking good care of myself; physically, mentally and spiritually. I have continued to be a very good father. However, no, I have not been staying completely away from other women. Indeed, I have been dating from time to time. In fact, my x-wife said to me some months back that she would never accept me back unless I would have some new experiences with other women; sounds strange though doesn`t it?! My x-wife`s thinking is that I must prove to her that I have got all "such experiences" out of my system before she would ever trust me again. Her belief is that the reason I was unfaithful is that I never had had any experiences with other women. So, half-heartedely, I have followed this advice and have had a series of dates. However, in doing this, I have only discovered just where heart truly is; still squarely with my x-wife. I can date to the point of exhaustion, but I cannot fathom anyone ever replacing the bond of a 17-year marriage. I have thought many times to stop this dating activity, but find that loneliness does not do me any good either. Dating has been helping my self-esteem which certainly did suffer due to the rejection of divorce. And I have also thought that if my x-wife sees that I am actively dating, perhaps she will be more likely to want me back. Is this stupid or what? On the other hand, if my heart is still solidly with my x-wife, aren`t I just heading down a "wrong and winding road"? This is just plain confusing. I guess it just comes down to what I truly want!! Only I can know this.

Still in Love, very confused, but still standing in Finland.