I had a date the other night. Things went well but her divorce just started, filed today. Her husband won't know until Friday. I want to pursue her but I think it is too soon for her. What do you think?

BTW
Their divorce is no kids and less than two years of marrige. She is just getting out, taking nothing. In Indiana it will be complete in 60 days.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by STP:
<strong> I want to pursue her but I think it is too soon for her. What do you think?

.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is her M ending? Are you in any way "responsible" for any part of the break-up? Are you saying you think she does or does not want a new relationship right now? With you?

If you think she will be "ready to move on" then, call her 61 days from now.

Traditional wisdom around here says it takes at least 2 years to "recover" from Div.
Personally, I think it depends on WHY div'ing. Some people have "divorced" in their minds long before the papers are filed.

Other stats I've heard say 1 month for each yr. married is needed recovery time.....

My .02

Good luck and God Bless,

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

My advice... Be her friend right now. If you are interested in her, then you can wait, right? Be a friend to her first and foremost at this point in time.

As for you, realize that she may just be beginning ALL kinds of changes in her emotions and personality... I don't know the details of her divorce, but I can tell you that I AM a MUCH different person then I was before - And a lot of those changes occured in me during and right after the divorce... So you could possibly fall in love with someone who may not be the same person in a few months, a few years...

Don't get romantically involved right now and not for sometime into the future... Be friends - she needs lots of them right now..

Oh and don't discount the husband in all this... You could be opening yourself up to a whole can of worms with that one...

If it is meant to be, it will..

again, just my $.02
God Bless,
Mike

I would also question why she is even dating at this stage. That, and the fact that her husband doesn't even know yet, seems like a character flaw to me...

I am in no consevable way responsible for the divorce. Not at all. My marriage ended as the result of a wandering wife. We/I tried to work it out for six years or so. Well it continued one man after another. She filed about a year ago and we separated. The divorce was final in February for me. I will steer away from married women. It will cause way too much pain for someone down the road. I don't want anyone to deal with the pain I went through. So anyway this new person sprung the news of her divorce on me the other day. One thing lead to another and we are sitting on my deck watching the stars and having a few beers. I work with this person. That adds another fold in the cloth.

So your dating a married woman and her husband doesn't even know she has filed yet?

Look at it from HIS point of view. You are going to get at least partially blamed for this. And you may get more than that (punched, yelled at, etc.) whether you had anything to do with her filing or not.

You will get to be in the middle of it, like it or not.

To quote from a famous TV show....
"Danger Wil Robinson... Danger"

Sounds like there are all kinds of red flags on this one.

I'd pass on this one for now... And since you work together, who is to say something can't start months down the road, right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by STP:
<strong>I will steer away from married women. It will cause way too much pain for someone down the road. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you not just answer your own question with this statement? She filed but she is MARRIED, right?

Just because someone files does not mean that divorce is going to happen, therefore if you pursue at this point you are contributing to the fall of the marriage and becoming the "OM". Granted it was a short marriage, but I'd be inclined to "just be friends", no dating, and then take her out for lunch on the day it's final.

I would be concerned about a person who was only M for 2 years. What could cause the end of a M in 2 years??? Has she tried at all to work through the marriage problems? Not sure there is real committment there. You may be getting another person like your WS.

TW

She's still married.

You went out with her.

Her x doesn't know she filed. Does that demonstrate respect for other people?

How did you feel when you knew your wife was seeing other men?

Excuse me... but did you read what you wrote?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had a date the other night. Things went well but her divorce just started, filed today. Her husband won't know until Friday. I want to pursue her but I think it is too soon for her. What do you think?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well here is what I think...

First of all, you obviously became involved with a married woman...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">date the other night </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(she)filed today </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bull**** you didn't have anything to do with it. You were a support for a married woman leaving her husband. You obviously knew her well enough to ask her out or be asked out or to meet with her INAPPROPRIATELY. Thus you were part of the problem. Perhaps if you weren't there making it look like 'The grass is greener', she would be figuring out things on her own. But now, she is thinking... "Hey, this BS thinks what I am doing is OK... so what I am doing CAN'T be that bad." not only that, but you are completely deluding yourself.

You also obvioulsy learned nothing from your own betrayal, except perhaps how to betray equally well. Because, don't think that just because you are not married, (perhaps your ex made less of a mistake than it appears on the surface), that you are not INTIMATELY involved in the breakup. It never ceases to amaze me the crap that people will tell themselves in order to get what they want with a 'somewhat' clear conscience. It just never ceases to amaze me...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her husband won't know until Friday </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you completely and utterly blind?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in no consevable way responsible for the divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you seeing and supporting a betraying spouse? Then you are to blame... Is she still married? Does her HUSBAND think he is still married? Is your brain functioning??? Brains are my line of work and I really wonder what yours would look like in one of my MRIs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My marriage ended as the result of a wandering wife </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So did this woman's husband's marriage... hmmm, parallels abound... Again... did you not learn a damn thing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will steer away from married women. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to pursue her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had a date the other night. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but her divorce just started, filed today </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even my 6 year old understands time lines well enough to be able to determine that this woman is still married. Was still married when you went out with her. And had not even filed... do you think you might have helped her to file??? Think about your conversation with her... Come on ... pull your head out...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will cause way too much pain for someone down the road. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Her husband won't know until Friday. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes... I am sure...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want anyone to deal with the pain I went through. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her husband won't know until Friday. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In Indiana it will be complete in 60 days </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I live in Indiana... and will personally keep an eye out for this husband... I obviously don't know the circumstances... but it is also obvious that you don't either. You know... you sound alot like what I would expect the OM with my ex to have sounded like... perhaps I will keep an eye out for you as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What do you think? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are oblivious and inexcusable... because of what you already know. Because of what you have said. And because you didn't learn a damn thing from your own circumstances.

I am going to leave it alone until things are over for them. I have talked to her about not divorcing. Aparently they have done a lot of work toward trying to make it work. He is a violet man. Vilolent as in throwing stuff around, breaking the drywall, yelling, not hitting her. She has had to leave the house several times due to these out breaks. A week ago her conselor and minister sugested to terminate the marriage.

I didn't paint a pretty picture of divorce because it usually isn't, mine wasn't. I told her about the sleepless nights, second guesses and confrontations to follow. If this is worth pursueing it can wait.