H has finally come clean, and told me that he has no hope we can ever make it work. It is clear he made up his mind long ago, and that D is imminent.

My head and heart are reeling. And I'm wondering, what do I do? Some of the advice you hear over the years... cancel all joint credit cards to safeguard finances, etc....

I don't want to ask him to leave our home. Though it might be better to have separate rooms. Where can I learn what to do now? Maybe the bookstore for a book on D?

I can't beleive I'm in this situation.

there isn't anything to do at the moment, since HE has to do the filing. . . still remain in Plan A, if he convinces your of the divorce, then he makes it easier. . . you can even ignore the statements. . and just keep going as you were. . . the real choice that you have is to either Plan A, or call his bluff and execute the divorce proceedings yourself, so that he gets hit with the divorce papers first. . . however, i don't know how he would respond to that. . . but realistically, i would ignore those sentences. . .

but keep posting on the EN board until he files the papers. . .

wiftty

another possibility would be this. . .

you say "OK, i will agree to a divorce as your Christmas present (in 6 months) under one condition. . . and i will be very agreeable and fair. . . as long as you cooperate with me" and that condition is that he has to go with you to get a physical, DR of your choice, and you have talked to the doctor about what is going on FIRST, such that he can test for hormone declines, imbalances, etc, and possibly medicate him. . . with anti depressants. . .

so think about this approach, but it needs some coordination with the dr first, ahead of time. . .

wiftty

^

^

Hello... good advice sWIFTTy!

Cheers!

Me again. It's Saturday now.

I like the idea of bartering him getting a full physical... and I know he'll would never do it.
I did have a convo in which I insisted that he say, outright, what he wanted. He kept saying he did not think it could work, he did not want to stay in a bad relationship, etc.... but was totally avoiding saying what he DID want. He got uncomfortable, and had to stop and start several times-- seemed like he was not wanting to ad lib vs saying rehearsed things. But he finally said he did not *want* it, but felt all that was left was to split up.

He assured me he will be reasonable, and will always be my friend. He outlined how he thought we'd split things up-- which was consistent with my own thinking. He denies knowing what he's going to do when he goes his own way. I told him I don't beleive him.

He says he feels no need to leave the house, and no need to not share the bedroom/bed. He said if he'd had an A, he'd expect to be thrown out, and would certainly go-- but since he has not, I think he thinks he can simply stay here. He is acting normally and is pretty pleasant. He calls to let me know when he'll be home, and wanted to chat about our days. He offered a footrub, and has offered hugs.

He says he has no idea how to actually go about getting a D. I think he expects me to do the work for him? I think it's important for him to "own" what he's doing... so I told him I had done some research, and that he had to file a form, and told him where he could get the forms. I told him to get two sets of all the forms. He said he thinks we can do it ourselves, and be amicable.

Now, its time for me to gather up my strength, and do what must be done. I'm not sure what that is, just yet. I am getting a safety deposit box, and opening a seperate checking account on Monday. I won't close the joint account at this time, but I won't be putting a lot of money in it.

I think I need to talk to a lawyer. I think he should leave the house, but need to pray about this. And, it occurs to me that he may refuse to do so.

This is going to be hard. I got hired for a part time job yesterday. It will give me a place to be, and things to do. It will be a little challenging, physically, and I will have to push myself to perform it. I found a pastor and church to support me, and this has been an incredible blessing. I have spend literally hours each day on the phone with my mother and sister, and this had helped. I pray and cry and pray some more. But now I am starting to know that God is with me, and that while this is hard and hurts, that if He's with me, I have nothing to fear. I feel stronger, more at peace, more able to cope.

Today I have been invited to an event-- by my new employer. While I am nervous of going alone, and not knowing people, my mother was firm in her advice-- do not turn down ANY invitations! So I am going. I can't sit home and mope, or wish things were different. I have to build a new life, and try new things.

Gosh, this is long. Sorry to ramble.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like the idea of bartering him getting a full physical... and I know he'll would never do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So? how do you know for sure? are you speculating? plus it gives you time together for him to define "it". ask him what it he is refering to whenever it is not clear.

I don't think you should make one move. . let him do everything, do not assist him. Other than to find a part time job, or job, do not do one thing for him. . . not even making suggestions. . .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he feels no need to leave the house, and no need to not share the bedroom/bed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so he is expecting you to remain "dependent" upon his desires? this sounds eerily like a period in time in which his parents went through this and he is replaying what he saw from his childhood. . . you might want to ask him about his parents around age 40. . . .

but again, i think you need to just ignore him, and let him do the work. . . ALL of it

wiftty

wiftty

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

I found out that he did go and get the papers, for an uncontested divorce. I figure since he wants it, he should file.

I don't even know how that works, possibly just filing out the form and handing it to me? Surely it has to be legally delivered somehow. I will have to look at the papers, I guess.

I moved to my own room as of last night. I did not say anything I just did it. He was friendly today, wanted to chat casually, offered a foot rub. It's very eerie. The best I can figure, is that I do not want to be unloving or hateful in any way. But, I will not open my heart, or show weakness. I will treat him as someone I've known for a long time... but not confide in him, or let my guard down.

I think once he takes the first step, legally, then I will tell him he needs to leave. I am so worried about where he will go, what will happen to him... but I guess that is his to figure out. I need to find a lawyer.