H seems really determined this time -- he has threatened divorce for 14 years -- we have three children 16, 13 and 9. I've been working on myself and trying to undo the damage I've done. I had lots of resentments, didn't treat H well and was depressed. H was depressed, out of work and withholding. There haven't been any affairs.

We just can't communicate well. I've tried to make changes. I work full time -- always have except for 18 months when H went back to work. I've made most of the changes H wanted and the last one is the messy house -- I've started working on that, too.

I've been posting at another website, but H found it. I need some privacy.

H wants to talk in a week about a plan to separate/divorce.

What should I do?

Counseling makes matters worse. H says we have no friendship, relationship, he can't think of anything positive about me. He used to like my cooking -- but now won't eat anything I make -- sleeps in a sleeping bag so I can't touch him.

I had managed to set up a routine in May of movies and sex -- suddenly -- he's not interested anymore. Easy talks, too.

He went to his counselor and a lawyer last Friday.

I feel sick. Please help me formulate a strategy. Thanks.

Have you read about Plan A & Plan B on this site? It's in the Articles section. It tells how to become the best person you can be to become attractive again to your spouse.

I wanted to answer because my H just ignores all legal paperwork. I filed in March 2002 and his procrastination has held up this D and my chance to move on with my life.

You have to understand now that you H won't believe that the changes he sees are permanent. He doesn't trust you anymore, so he thinks you'll just revert back to your old ways.

Good luck if you really want to recover.

Plan A and Plan B are for infidelity.

he has threatened divorce for 14 years
Why?

Counseling makes matters worse.
Why? Bad counselor probably...

There haven't been any affairs.
How do you know?

Plan A and Plan B are for infidelity.
Generally they are, but can be used when one person in the marriage is not willing to work on repairing the marriage.

H was temper problems. First time he threatened was when I was pregnant, had a cold and we were on a trip to Europe with two-year old. I made the mistake of letting my guard down -- also had family problems. I must have looked bad tired, had cramps from amneo -- he said he was tired of looking at me.

Then it was the house was too messy, or I forgot to squeeze the sponge, I don't know -- he's very irritable. I always worked full time, so I had trouble doing all the housework, he wouldn't help -- that's in the past -- he does more now but resents it so, that he's ready again to divorce.

Counselors don't take marriage seriously, say divorce doesn't harm children -- all my counselors have been divorced. H exaggerates our problems, says everyone is unhappy in marriage. (He has some issues). So he can't see what's in front of him. Counselors eat this up and tell me the marriage can't be fixed, he doesn't want to -- can't is confused.

One said I had to agree to a divorce before she'd see us -- after H smashed our dishes.

There haven't been any other women. Why do you ask?

I'll look at the plans.. thanks. H wants to get out I think the counselor is now doing an identity thing -- H's career is floundering and for this he'll probably blame me.

I'll look at the plans. Thanks.

Sounds as if your h does have an anger problem.

There haven't been any other women. Why do you ask?
Because it’s more probable than not when a spouse is acting as yours is. How are you sure there isn’t/hasn’t been?

Counselors don't take marriage seriously,
Some don’t take it seriously. This is one of the questions you need to ask BEFORE you sit down for any session or pony up any cash to them.

no other women?!!
does he have male friends?

what does he do when not around you?

I think from going to several counsellors..
the best thing is not to go to someone who has any thing to do with the state..because they do push divorce..right away it was told me..
everything is half and half..
you get half in divorce..it took Mr. MAucho
big man he head the therapist tell me..while he sat there..he did not want to be married anymore.

I looked at him and asked to hear that from him..he did not respond.I told him till I hear it from his mouth..not others but him..I won't believe it..

funny thing is the therapist got him to tell me he was sorry..he had a stupid smirk on his face when he said..it..
so I aksed "WHAT are you sorry about??"
so he says shrugging "I dunno" then he cracked up laughing and I looked at the therapist then at him..and said..I do not believe this..is a joke to you..and to you glaring at the therapist..and walked out..
the therapist came looking for me..I LEFT the building..crying in the car..he took me in the back way..I just gave up that day..it died..inside of me..all over no more trying..nada..
too many stupid things said in the office right down to him wanting to bring ANNA home because she was nice..a women he met..it was too crazy...grrrrr..

therapist some are ok..some are not..some need help. I have a friend who went to a physciatrist.
and she said he was reading playboy while working with her talking to her..she got mad and told him
"put the magazine down" she said he did..and then went and wrapped himself in the drapes..
BROTHER..this was true...some people that help others in the helps profession are wackos themself..

sometimes a friend can be of more help.
most of the time we really know what to do..but do not want to do it.
I am not sure what to think or agree with other then the way God says..

has anyone ever read the book of Hosea?? read it..it is do able..geeez if Hosea could marry a prostitute and love her..because God told him to.
you should be able to make it work with someone you hand picked for better or worse..

ok so is he maybe gay?
only think I can think of.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
you are not going to know the answers to these questions unless you ask them.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was married to a guy kinda like yours ....And it didn't get any better.

See, if you keep "fixing" you then it accomplishes nothing except you fixed yourself.

BTW...He sounds really cruel and self serving...Most likely a cheater too.

BTW...My xH was cruel and when he jumped all over me with over critical things...somewhat messy house...Came home after spending a weekend with his honey and had audacity to complain about the house when I was alone with my child all weekend being a nervous wreck. Barely able to eat or sleep and cried constantly the man wanted a clean home to come to...After sleeping with someone else.

He sounds really abusive.

What are you trying to save? You said he's been trying to divorce for 14 years? Hmmmm.

You can't force change on somebody who doesn't want to and you can keep "fixing" yourself until you drive yourself mad.

The "if only you'd change and do this my way" syndrome never ends. They will keep finding other things for you to change and fix about yourself without doing anything themselves. Part of the controlling kind of abuse and emotional abuse. Also a tell tale sign of cheating.

Here's their foggy wway of thinking: "well if she/he can't do this for me, be this way for me, then I am justified in seeking what will make me happy at all costs".

Why I didn't want a divorce, I see it's best now as I am not unahppy. I am not told I am ugly stupid or fat anymore, irregardless of the fact that I am neither of those things.

You sound like I did 2 years ago. I fixed myself unti I lost myself...

But I got myself back and it's alot better.

Dr. Phil says "better to be healthy and alone than sick and with someone else".

And btw...the divorce process went forward due to the lovely "help" of a pseudo christian counselor who was just wanting others to become as miserable as she was...(her husband left her too with small kids). Half the time she "counseled" me, she told me about her problems. And then announced after abusive and cheating x Husband went in for only 1 session, "you do need a divorce."

With those kinda friends/counselors/therapists who needs any enemies...

BTW...I am against divorce and for MB principles and for reconciliation..

However, if someone is dead set on filing and wanting to make you their scapegoat for filing, and totally unable to see themselves fully for the person they are, then there isn't really any point.

If they aren't going to work on it you can do nothing.

If they want to begin, you can show them how. If they don't want to maybe one day they will change or you could try almost what I did...hold your breath until they change..I turned blue. (that was a poor attempt at humor)

Further explanation...

Am totally for MB and reconciliation...Almost mis wrote my feelings.

I agree with Peachy, your H sounds abusive. A good book on abusive relationships is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She has a website as well. It can help you identify whether you're in one and what you can do about it. Good luck.

Thanks, all -- I was hoping for a bit of support for the marriage, as I fear he will go really crazy with a divorce.

But based on the replies here -- that's not a possibility?

Well, I don't think he's been unfaithful-- he just needs his space. Though he complains if I go out and don't come right back. He accuses me a lot of being unfaithful.

Thanks for the referral to the Patricia Evans verbal abuse site. I did read the book and post there. H was a lot more abusive a few years ago.

When he's alone, H plays the violin or meditates or practices calligraphy. He has a medidation group now -- I would say there are his first friends -- after years without any friends at all.