Ok. I’ve decided that I want a divorce and will file in August when our year of separation is complete (required in our state if you have children).

The Problem: I am still caught up in obsessing about the OW/WH and the horrible way this all went down. One year ago my H was professing love for me and our family. He meets OW and boom! It’s over. I’m so angry about how unfair the past year has been. WH will never say that he wants a D, he still says he loves me, yet he wouldn’t change his behavior over the last 11 months. I will have to file if it’s to be done.

I’m trying to be honest with myself and say….if there was no OW would you still want him back? The answer is yes and no. I want my family back the way it was and with the knowledge that there were issues that we needed to work on. But that’s not reality is it? The reality is that with all that has happened would I ever be able to love and trust this man again? I guess the answer is “no”. He showed me a terrible side of himself and I am fine without him. He let me know the order of priorities that he places on my feelings and the well-being of our family. I suppose my longing for him is just my wanting to “win” this sick competition – and to show OW. That’s not too healthy is it?

Last night I had to take my infant to the ER – she had croup (I was not familiar with this) and it seemed as though she couldn’t breath. My father came over so that I wouldn’t have to wake up my toddler. I left a message on my WH’s cell. He showed up at the hospital an hour later (OW lives an hour away) and I was just as mean and nasty as I could be to him. He is trying to be a “good father.” I just can’t seem to drop the betrayal factor.

This isn’t “moving on” is it? How do you move on? I feel like I’ve tried everything. I read books; I go to therapy; I pray; I have supportive friends and family; I read this board; I do nice things for myself like getting my toenails done, etc.; I enjoy time with my children; I occupy myself with work. But I still have this longing – not sure what for – but it’s there. What can be done about this?

moving on is the period AFTER the mourning period is over. . . but you have just begun the mourning period. . . I would concentrate on learning to live with yourself and figure out the adjustment to your new life, before deciding any time of moving on. . .

wiftty

Dueinjan,
Your story sound just like mine! I was also pregnant when I found out about my H affair. It was totaly devistating. I was totally depressed during my pregnancy. I did all the wrong things like cried, begged & pleaded. You name it, I did it, which only pushed him further away.

It's hard. I know what you mean about not being able to get past the betrayal. I can be civil to my WH but deep down inside I just want to yell at him. Especially after everything that he put me through and breaking up our family for the OW!

I feel that longing to, I guess I just miss being a family and having my husband around. I, on the other hand, still do want to work it out. I know that he's not the same man that I married and I don't like who he is now but deep down inside my heart I believe that he's lost. I know that we had problems in our marriage but I believe that they were fixable he just never talked to me about how he felt. Instead he took another route. Which doesn't fix them when you try to replace the person, the problems are still there.

I have been married for almost 18yrs. and would like to have my family back together too. We sep. in feb. and she filed in march and I recently got to the point where I had to ask myself do I want to get this thing over with or is there hope? I prayed about it big time. God gave me an answer. But in the meantime of me waiting for him to work on my W I am also asking him to help change me. I have focused my being on him first, as it should be, and my children. Also ask God to fill your heart with his love. The same love he has for you he also has for your husband. Try not to focus on what he is doing with OW. God bless!

dueinjan,

I think a big part of 'moving on' has to deal with leaving the anger behind. Something that you seem to be having difficulty with. I can understand your pain and anger, but the anger will end up eating you up inside. It won't just be the end of your marriage, it will continue to fester in you long after the divorce... as long as you let it.

My suggestion is to begin by forgiving your husband for his affair(s) in the past. NO, he DOES not deserve it based on his actions, but forgiveness is not just for him, it is for you and it is required by God. Just from your short post, I can kind of read between the lines to see that deep down, you still have some love for your H. Only it is so buried beneathe the anger.

You are right, if your marriage was restored it would not be the same as it was (if it did revert back, don't you think your husband might end up following the same path again?). BUT if your marriage is restored, it can be something greater than you ever have imagined! Just read some of the posts written by the member "FREE"... No her marriage is not totally saved yet, but it is well on it's way.

A very good friend of mine went through a period of troubles with her husband in which he cheated on her several times. She was all the way to the point of having the D papers ready to file and even signed. BUT at the last minute she turned it all over to God and with His help she was able to truly forgive her husband. Now jump ahead 3 years and I just met to talk with her - They are building a brand new house and she said to me, and I quote "Mike, even in my wildest dreams did I EVER think our marriage could be this incredible. We have a better marriage then when we first got married! I was so close to ending it all, but then I let God take over. I will forever be thankful I had the strength to do that"...

Is asking you to rid yourself of the anger and forgive your husband fair to you? Nope. But not much in this life is ever fair.

You sound like you are out of or nearing the end of your hope for your marriage. Well maybe now is the time to stop working by yourself and instead give it all over to God. Ask Him to help you forgive your husband AND ask Him to help your husband live-up to that forgiveness...

But whether you have God in your life or not, the anger will consume you if you let it - It really will...

God Bless,
Mike

Thank you for such thoughtful advice. I know I need to let go of the anger. I feel like if WH could give up the OW that I certainly would be able to extend forgiveness - I know - that doesn't seem to make much sense.

Here's the thing...yes, I still have love for this man but I'm trying to end it in my own brain and heart. My therapist tells me I must, my friends tell me I must, and my own head tells me that it wouldn't work out. So I must leave the thought of reconciliation behind and face life without my spouse.

I also should mention that while he still seems to be connected to me and sad and sorry about what's happened - he's not exactly asking to come back either. He says things like, "Well, what are our options?" And now I say, "none, there are no options but to end it." I have the distinct feeling that he wants to feel like I'm still waiting for him (as I did for 10 mths) but that's all it is. He wants to know I'm there for him in the event that he and OW don't work out. But has no inclination towards taking the steps necessary to make things better for us.

I know I must get rid of the anger but the fact that he is still in a relationship with this particular OW makes me absolutely crazy. I feel like if he would get rid of her and even if he found another OW. I would be ok. It's this OW that he broke up our marriage with, and it's this OW that he spends time with our children with.
(Did I write that twice?)

STBX - Our situations ARE very similar. How strange. I've read your posts before but didn't know your story. If you don't mind me asking, what is your visitation arrangement? Do you let your baby go with WH/OW? What about older child? The thought of OW with my infant makes me sick - but I'm letting it happen now. I had been trying to control it and it was making things much worse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dueinjan:
<strong>Here's the thing...yes, I still have love for this man but I'm trying to end it in my own brain and heart. My therapist tells me I must, my friends tell me I must, and my own head tells me that it wouldn't work out. So I must leave the thought of reconciliation behind and face life without my spouse.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But what is "your heart" telling you? I have doubts about any counselor that tells you you have to "end your love" for another person... In fact I've never heard that before. As for your friends and family and your "mind", well I guess I just feel listening to what "your heart" has to say is a MUCH better way to live. Friends and family always mean well and they hate to see you hurting, but the truth is that if they were in the same position, they'd most likely have the same love that you have for him.

You can "let him go" and still keep the love you have for him... you do know that right? I'm speaking from experience here - I let my Xwife walk away from our marriage, but I was able to keep the love I had for her. Over time that love changed in my heart to where it is now more a good feeling of concern for her. Not that I have any loving feelings for her at all, but I know I still love her as a person. As we are called to love everyone.

I'm also not saying to "hang on hope" and stop your life.... no, no, no... I'm just saying that if you love him, don't try and destroy that love because someone else tells you to... The best thing you can do in times like these is to be true to your spirit - to your heart. NO matter what others may tell you...

Just my $.02 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
God bless,
Mike

GOD DUEINJAN! YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!
I'm so serious, I feel just like you!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also should mention that while he still seems to be connected to me and sad and sorry about what's happened - he's not exactly asking to come back either. He says things like, "Well, what are our options?" And now I say, "none, there are no options but to end it." I have the distinct feeling that he wants to feel like I'm still waiting for him (as I did for 10 mths) but that's all it is. He wants to know I'm there for him in the event that he and OW don't work out. But has no inclination towards taking the steps necessary to make things better for us.

I know I must get rid of the anger but the fact that he is still in a relationship with this particular OW makes me absolutely crazy. I feel like if he would get rid of her and even if he found another OW. I would be ok. It's this OW that he broke up our marriage with, and it's this OW that he spends time with our children with.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH is the same way! He says he's sorry and sad about the whole situation also. I think he thinks thatI'll wait for him if things don't work out with OW also.

It's so strange! I always told people. If he has the balls (excuse my language)to leave the marriage then leave alone and then look for someone else. I hate that he left b/c of OW. It PISSES me OFF!! I also think, God just leave her and go look for someone else and I wouldn't be so ticked off.

And as far as visitations, he hardly sees the baby. It's like he gave her up for the OW. It's pretty sad but that's the way it is. On Father's day he did have her all day, EXCEPT it was at my in-laws house that he visited her. I would never let him take her himself. And he would never take her. He's too scared to take care of her by himself. And he knows that I wouldn't allow him to take her around the OW.

And our son, who's 4 yrs. old. He has taken him around the OW and it made me furious. Until one day I confronted BOTH of them and as far as I know he hasn't done it again. I asked my the lawyer's secretary if I can do something about this and she said yes. She said that they had a similar case like mine and the father of the children was not allowed to take the kids around the OW. Maybe Texas law is different.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

You know maybe I'm confused about my therapist telling me not to love my WH. She's telling me that I have to move on because I need some joy and fun in my life and that I'm eventually going to make myself sick. Maybe I read that as, if I don't have any love left for him, I'll be able to move on.

STBX - My WH even spend weekends with my 3 yo at OW's house. I asked my atty about it and there's not much I can do about it unless they were being abused or neglected. Apparently one of the attractions that OW has for my WH is that he's such a "terrific father" - she had been a preschool teacher - very nurturing - and my WH tells me that the childrens' interests are always put first -- yeah-- "they're" terrific parents. Yep, I let my now 5 mth old go every other weekend and Wednesdays. It's killing me. But I am trying to not interfere with the kids building a relationship with their dad. OW has no right to hold my baby if you ask me, but I read something one time about how we don't own our children. They are just placed in our care. That thought helps me with sharing them.

On the other hand, your situation is the pits too -- you feel the abandonment of not just yourself but your daughter too for OW. Sorry, I hope I'm not making it worse.

Everyone tells me that I need to get off the OW issue. My therapist said that she was a woman who wanted to get a divorce from her own husband and that she and my H met up at the wrong/right time for both. Therapist says, that if wasn't this particular OW, it would have been someone or something else because WH was at a breaking point. The difficulty that I have with this is, yes, it was WH's fault but if OW would have not made herself available and encouraged it and taken him back when he returned home, we could have had a chance to work this out. Also what kind of woman sleeps with a man who has a pregnant wife??? She knew I was pregnant. Why didn't anyone care about me and my unborn child? H says, "that's not true. I do/did care about you." I guess just not enough leave his new girlfriend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also what kind of woman sleeps with a man who has a pregnant wife??? She knew I was pregnant. Why didn't anyone care about me and my unborn child? H says, "that's not true. I do/did care about you." I guess just not enough leave his new girlfriend </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thoughts EXACTLY! She knew I was pregnant and she didn't care. I've talked to the OW and I think she's just really immature. She doesn't realize how much she's hurting our two kids. All she could say was "You can't help falling in love". WHATEVER! She has no morals and her family has no morals either. My WH now lives with her at her parents house. You believe that. We'll see how long that lasts!
But according to my WH she does care. BS! they're both being selfish!

You know maybe I'm confused about my therapist telling me not to love my WH.
You need to dump her as a therapist immediately.

She's telling me that I have to move on because I need some joy and fun in my life and that I'm eventually going to make myself sick. Maybe I read that as, if I don't have any love left for him, I'll be able to move on.
Maybe that is true but ANY therapist telling you to NOT love you spouse amd /or divorce is not worth their weight in crap.

dueinjan,

OK, this sounds a little more familiar. I agree with what your counselor is saying.. She is telling you to focus on yourself first and foremost. She is right - you need to begin to heal yourself and start doing things for yourself, not in a selfish way, but just to enjoy life the best you can. That doesn't mean you have to focus on NOT loving your husband, rather I think the counselor is attempting to help get you to "not hold on so tight" to the situation.

As you begin to better yourself and to start enjoying life (yeah it is tough, we've all been there), most likely one side-effect will be that your husband will begin to take notice. But that shouldn't be your intent - Your intent is to begin to heal yourself. Now if your husband starts noticing changes in you and decides that maybe he is making a huge mistake, maybe then he will want to "try again" with you. AT that point it will be up to you and you alone, if you have enough love in your heart to "want to" try again...

But you need to "let go" first - let go of trying to change things or hope things will change with your husband. Start trying to just live and be happy. Only God knows what the future holds...

So it is OK that you still have love in your heart, you just need to put it in a compartment for now. Maybe you will let it out in the future for him, maybe not. But in either case you don't have to try to "kill it"...

again, my measly $.02 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Mike

Mike - Yes, actually I think you've very precisely been able to communicate to me what she's been trying to tell me. I think I should actually just print out what you've written because you've captured it - It'll will save me some visits back to the therapist because this is essentially all she's been telling me for a little while now.

I have been making some changes but many seem to be appearance-related (new clothes, new hair, lost weight, etc.) This has been good for me as I've just had a baby and I've been getting positive comments from other people - which makes me feel really good. But I can't seem to squash the little voice in my head that is saying "WH would like this outfit/haircut/etc. over that one." It's like I'm doing it to say - "what a fool you are to leave me" rather than I'm doing it to make me feel better.

Thank you for your insight.

STBX -
OH MY. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "You can't help falling in love". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW TOLD ME THE EXACT SAME LINE. Are we living parallel lives? She also said, "I finally met someone that I connected with" and "I agree, the children should take top priority." One final favorite, "You can't turn it (love) on and off like a light switch." Yeah, but you can keep from taking your credit card out of your purse and checking into the EconoLodge with my husband!

Anyway...enough of that...that pretty incredible that he's living with her parents! UNBELIEVABLE! How old is she? My cat lives at OWs. H still hasn't moved in permanently though. Wonder why not -- I know he doesn't have cash to spare.

Did your WH participate in the birth? Mine did. I thought that I wanted him to because we'd eventually be back together and I didn't want him to miss it. Now I wish I hadn't let him be there. It's incredibly personal and I feel like he was there for the pictures. He contacted OW the day he brought me home from the hosital - "she (OW) was very concerned about the health of the baby and wanted to know if everything was alright." You know -- she's such a caring person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>You know maybe I'm confused about my therapist telling me not to love my WH.
You need to dump her as a therapist immediately.

She's telling me that I have to move on because I need some joy and fun in my life and that I'm eventually going to make myself sick. Maybe I read that as, if I don't have any love left for him, I'll be able to move on.
Maybe that is true but ANY therapist telling you to NOT love you spouse amd /or divorce is not worth their weight in crap.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally disagree. This man left his pregnant wife for another woman.....he abondoned her. Telling her not to love her WH is probably her own opinion because she feels ol dude is an azz, and she shouldnt have said that. But, some counselors will recommend a divorce if they see that is the best thing. What is wrong with that? You can always find a counselor that will agree with everything you want to do. You can probably find a counselor that would tell ya to stay married to a serial killer if you look hard enough.....doesnt mean its right.

The OW is around 26 or 27. Never been married, no kids. So she lives the single life, going out at anytime of the day or night whenever she pleases. I know my H enjoys that b/c I couldn't having a child and being pregnant.

Yes he did participate in the birth but it was weird. There was my husband but it wasn't him. He felt very distant, no affection, nothing. I was miserable. I had my baby the day before Valentines day. So on Valentines day I was alone in the hospital by myself. It was horrible, I b/c I knew he was with her that night while I was in the hospital taking care of OUR baby! I wanted to cry but, didn't. I didn't want the nurses to ask what was wrong. That was the loneliest feeling in the world. I think that was my lowest. Honestly, I will never forget that feeling. I feel like crying just writing about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But he's missed out, not me. She's beautiful and I'm loving every minute I spend with her. He'll regret it. I know he will.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by STBXWife:
<strong>The OW is around 26 or 27. Never been married, no kids. So she lives the single life, going out at anytime of the day or night whenever she pleases. I know my H enjoys that b/c I couldn't having a child and being pregnant.

Yes he did participate in the birth but it was weird. There was my husband but it wasn't him. He felt very distant, no affection, nothing. I was miserable. I had my baby the day before Valentines day. So on Valentines day I was alone in the hospital by myself. It was horrible, I b/c I knew he was with her that night while I was in the hospital taking care of OUR baby! I wanted to cry but, didn't. I didn't want the nurses to ask what was wrong. That was the loneliest feeling in the world. I think that was my lowest. Honestly, I will never forget that feeling. I feel like crying just writing about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But he's missed out, not me. She's beautiful and I'm loving every minute I spend with her. He'll regret it. I know he will.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah.......stay with this guy. I agree with the counselor. Some things are almost impossible to forgive. I can hardly read the above without gettin pissed.

STBX -

I'm so sorry. I know what this feels like. You made me cry. I'm sorry I brought up those horrible feelings. You're right though, you've got the beautiful baby and I do too. Their lives are so much more important than anything either of our H's are doing. I have finally begun to enjoy the time with the baby and have rediscoved the fun I have with the toddler. I decided that the two of them (WH and OW)have robbed me of so much of what I hold dear that they WILL NOT ROB ME OF ENJOYING MY PRECIOUS BABY. She deserves better and I deserve better and so do you and your children.

You know what I did on Valentines day night? My baby was about 3 weeks old. My WH had been at the house during the day and then left. The baby was crying and crying that night and so was I and I was so mad thinking that WH was sleeping with OW while I was dealing by myself. (My WH had come home after the baby was born but I asked him to leave after 2 weeks because he had resumed contact with OW). I bundled up the kids and put them in the car (telling myself that I was going to drive the newborn around to stop her crying - yeah right) Ended up of course at OWs house (hour away). Banged on the door. H answered and I said "I'm planning on divorcing you but you have never said this is what you want. So, you can put on your shoes and come home with us or you can stay here and I'll have my answer. He said, "I can't leave her in the middle of the night. You can't ask me to make a decision like this." I said "yes, I can and by not leaving you've answered my question." And I left. I returned home very sad but resolved to the answer he had given me. I put the children to sleep and next thing I know, there was a knock at the door. He had come home. But, of course, it didn't last. OW did some power plays of her own.

I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess. I learned from this and a couple other of similar events that I CANNOT FORCE THIS. Any way. Thought I'd share that. I'm so sorry.

I totally disagree. This man left his pregnant wife for another woman.....he abondoned her. Telling her not to love her WH is probably her own opinion because she feels ol dude is an azz, and she shouldnt have said that.
If she shouldn’t have said that, then you agree with what I said then you don’t, “totally disagree”?

But, some counselors will recommend a divorce if they see that is the best thing. What is wrong with that?
It’s one thing to bring it up & discuss it, but it’s another to “recommend” it or tell someone they “should” get a divorce. And as I said, it may be true that she should do that but SHE needs to weigh everything, discuss the pros/cons and SHE needs to make the decision because she is the one who has to deal with, not her therapist.

Hi Dueinjan,
How are you? How are things going?

Hi STBX. Actually I had a tough weekend. My WH had the children from what was suppossed to be Fiday night to Monday morning. I did well Friday and Saturday but started getting really edgy on Sunday. I tried to occupy myself but then ended up driving by WH's apt. He wasn't there.

I ended up driving to OW's house (an hour away). My WH was packing his truck up with baby gear to come return to his apt. (he had been up there with the children all weekend). He didn't see me drive up and I got out of the car and walked into her house!! (Can you believe that!) My WH came around the corner and almost fell out when he saw me. He was holding the baby. I took the baby from him and said "where's 3 yo?" My son had walked down the street to get a slurpee with OW. I said, "I'm taking the kids home. This is too long for the baby and me to be apart." I then walked around her house which was plastered with pictures of OW, my son and my WH. One snapshot of the three of them was in a frame that said "family". CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

Then OW came home and I took my son from her. We had a private discussion before I left about how she didn't know that my WH had tried to return home all these times and that she's been hurt too and that he just keeps showing up on her doorstep. Blah, blah, blah. Basically I left it as, "our marriage is over; I'm divorcing him; you can keep the man and the cat but I'm taking the kids and the child support." And I left.

My WH shows up at my door after I put the kids to sleep. He's crying, unhappy, a mess. (I'm looking pretty good these days, by the way). He says things like, "are you sure we can't work this out? etc." Mind you, I'd love to say that we can work it out but I know he won't do what he needs to do. He just wants to know that I'm still waiting for him.

So in summary...I'm going to lessen the amount of days that the kids are away on his weekends.

It was all pretty traumatic but it does feel nice knowing that there is at least some pain on his part for what he's done to our family.

I know I was crazy to do this. The OW said, "I can't believe you walked into my house like this. I feel so violated." I said, "yeah, it sucks having someone come into your life uninvited, doesn't it?"

How are you doing? I hope you're a little saner than me.