Believe me you're not crazy! I understand. I can also be a bit "CRAZY" time to time. Or like my WH says it "PSHYCO". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm doing good. Things are the same. I hadn't talked to my WH in about 1 week or so. He called yesterday to ask if he could pick up our 4 yo son for a couple of hours. I believe that he just got home (her home) from a trip to San Antonio (I'm sure with her). At least that's what my 4 yo S said.

I'm pretty sure that this Divorce is going to happen. It sucks when I think about it but the fog is so deep for him. I really don't know what it will take for him to come out of it.

So are you planning to file?
Have you tried doing a plan b on your H?

But I know what you mean about him thinking you'll wait for him. That's how my WH was.

I remember telling him in a voice message that I was filing for D and that it was over and that I didn't want coming around anymore. And he has stopped calling and coming around. Only when it has to do with the kids will he call.

But I'm doing pretty good not talking to him. Believe it or not I'm not always thinking about what he may say or when he may come around. It's better this way. Now he knows that I'm not always around. Don't know if he cares or not but it sure is better for me.

I cry every once in a while but I think I cried more when he was constantly calling and coming around b/c I was disappointed with what he would say or didn't say.

I'm just starting to "let go" and feeling ok about it.

dueinjan,

I applaud your capacity to stand up for yourself. It is nice to see, while so many on this board have difficulty with it.

I would however recommend that you make sure that you do not harm your future custody by being too harsh. What I mean, and please hear me because I think that having your children at his OWs house is unthinkable. But you are only half the issue, and will not in all liklihood have the final say. Regardless of what is right or wrong. Your husband is still half of the 'parents' to your children.

I would definitely move to have visitation changed, and have definitive wording prohibiting any over night contact while the children are in the parent's care. Now this will include you, but I don't take that as an issue.

I guess what I am saying, is be careful not to act like you have all the say. And be EXTREMELY careful about how you go about taking your children back. I agree with you 100% about having this children at her house. But you don't want to cause a problem by walking into her house, or 'taking' the children out of your time. You really don't have the ability legally to do that. And had he wanted to say NO, you would have lost out. And you would have looked vindictive in the process thereby decreasing your standing as the most appropriate parent for custody.

I would have loved to see the spectacle...

I just want to make sure that everything turns out best for you and your children. Play it smart right now. At this point, about all you can do is hurt yourself.

Yes, I'm actually in Plan B (I know, how'd I end up at OW's house then?). In fact, that's why we had the long weekends set up the way we did - so that I wouldn't have to see WH. He'd pick the children up from their caretakers on Friday and deliver them back on Monday morning. But, that didn't work out so well yesterday.

I find Plan B to be much better as well. It has allowed me to start focusing on my own life and not be wondering if he's going to call or come over. My recent escapade has set that back a little though.

Although I do not want a D, I feel like I've been burned too many times over the past 11 months. I can't trust him any more. I really can't see being able to get past this and he's not even asking to come back - he's just trying to see where I am.

I'm just going to close my eyes and bite the bullet. I've been living like a divorced person any way and I've gone through so much of the pain and loss already. I'm working on myself now and trying to cut these emotional ties that hold me to him. I can file for D in August. We've been separated since September. I have a signed property settlement agreement already. I have to believe that a better life exists out there in the future. I just have to pass through this tunnel of pain right now and help my children get through it too.

I think my WH is finally seeing what a future of being divorced entails - step-parents, step-siblings, alternating weekends and holidays, children with their possessions in the backpacks...it seems like he didn't worry about any of that until I let go of worrying about it. I now say, "Welcome to the next 18 years of our lives. I hope you got what you wanted. You made this decision for us."

Formerly,

Thank you for your wise and gentle words. Yes, you are right. I do need to be so much more careful. I have steped over the bounds in several occasions with regard to this affair. I always justify to myself, "well, they did that to me...I can do this." I know it's not smart. My close friends have cautioned me in the very same way about this.

Thankfully, my WH is very shy of legal matters but if he is pushed too hard, he will take action agaist me. Also, OW could come down on me if she wished.

This is why the Plan B is better for me. Any knowledge of what is going on makes me strike out.

Keep me posted Dueinjan.

Take care and try not to do anymore "CRAZY" things! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WH calls to see son yesterday afternoon. I say ok. He drops him off at my parents where I pick him up and WH hangs around a little (uncomfortable).

Later, I call him about something re. the children. He is crying, saying he's so sorry, he misses his old life, he knows how much he hurt me, he misses me and our relationship, and what do I want him to do? He says he made bad decisions and he needs me to make the decisions for him. Says he tried to come home but neither of us tried hard enough (I did, 3 of the 4 times).

I wasn't very nice. Was pretty hard on him and said that now I needed someone different than who he could be. I needed a man who will stick by me through anything -- be it pregnancy, illness, boring times, bankruptcy, death of parents, or whatever. I said he was great to be with when times are great but that I need something more now. I need to know that I am number one woman in any relationship and anything less than that, I'd prefer to be alone with the kids -- at least I know what I'm dealing with in that case. I told him that I need to be chosen and that he has shown me that when lined up between me and one other person, he would not choose me. He said, "would you choose me now from a lineup of 100 men?" I said, "now, no I wouldn't." He says his life is horrible - he has no friends or family (he doesn't) and no one to talk to. I reminded him of a therapist that was recommended to him. I also said a few nasty comments.

Later I felt bad so I called and left an apology on his VM (I'm sure by now he was with OW). I said I know now that he is aware how much he's hurt me that I don't need to rub it in anymore and that I hope he gets professional help.

I'm feeling like a crazy person. I wanted our marriage to be restored but I have no faith in the things he is saying or in his ability to make things better and for me to be able to move past all that has occurred with this man over 11 months. Also, OW will always be out there with outstreached arms. Am I totally off base?

Dueinjan,

I wish I could help you but I just don't know how. It sound a lot like he wants to work on the marriage, he's just really "addicted" to this OW. When you two are happy he sticks with you but, when times are tough he runs to the OW. Must be really fustrating. Maybe you should try to get advice from Orchid. She's really good about how to deal with your FOGGY WH!

Have you given him your plan b letter? Does he know what you want him to do in order for him to come back?

Although I enjoy his regret now at what he's done, I don't think I want him back now. The thought of our family being reunited is lovely but when I think about actually living day-to-day with him (eating together, sleeping together, re-establishing contact with our friends, etc.) after what has happened, I just really can't see me being able to drop the anger and ignoring the past. He would have to be a different person now.

If I'm truly honest with myself I think I would want him back "to win", because I'm lonely, and because of the children. The last reason is compelling but the first two aren't good reasons. And none of these has anything to do with any love or respect that I feel towards him as a person now.

I think this all went on too long and "yes" I do think he's addicted and truly tomented by what he's done. It's all very sad to me.

IT's hilarious how OW said she felt violated. His OW, monkeyho, told me that she was "sad because he had cheated on HER with Me (wife)." Remember they are crazy and foggy.

And I was unable to let go of the anger period. It made me nauseous. It almost made me lose my mind for about six months.

Everything got better when ironically, he kicked my son and I out of the home. HE has all the money so he has manipulated everything so he gets a decent amount of visitation time. But time will tell and I am lying in wait...Will wait and let him go back to his rock star life.

I do know that some things are unable to fix. I know that now. If he wanted you back, he'd have to remarry you and start a new future. Tell him that. If he wants OW, he's gonna go to her . Either way you are free of their sin and I know it hurts. Hurts worse than anything I could ever imagine. IT's not part of God's plan. But his repentance, I fear, are mere crocodile tears...Just like the tears from my xH when we were in settlement on Friday.

I wish I had done a very short plan A and done a very swift B there after. You're doing the right thing being in B. Enjoy your precious little ones. I am praying for you every day. Remember:

This isn't about you. It's all about them. That's the irony of it all. Very little has to do with the spouses, unless we were total wrecks of people. IT has to do with their character, their impulses, their lack of control and ability to honor their family and vows.

Thank you Peachy.

You say, "I do know that some things are unable to fix. I know that now. If he wanted you back, he'd have to remarry you and start a new future. Tell him that."

Are you saying this literally? That we'd divorce and then remarry? I've had several friends and even the therapist make comments similar to this, "ie. you'd have to start over with a brand new relationship," and "don't let him come crawling back a week before the divorce is final. After the dicvorce is ok." I've never asked anyone to expand on this. What the thinking behind it? Why would you go through a divorce and then get remarried? Do people do it?

Someone asked me, if I knew that I would have gone through this, would I have married my H the first time? I say "no way." If I have the opportunity to choose again. I don't think I'll choose him, except for that we are the parents to our children - that, and it would solve the confusion regarding scrapbooks and X-Mas ornaments.

You know dueinjan,

I'm having to divorce my WH. And I don't know if we'll ever get remarried. But you know what, if he were to come back to me crawling on his hands and knees and willing to do anything to come back then I would. Of course, I've never told him this. I don't want him to think that I'll wait for him. I am moving on, as hard as it is I am. I'm going to live my life as if he's never coming back.

But you know, people do divorce and remarry. It's happened. My in-laws did it. They divorced b/c my FIL left my MIL for another woman. They divorced and he ended up coming back to her. So it does happen.

But if you do plan on divorcing to EXPECT that you'll remarry. You may not. It may be over.

I talked with a friend of mine today. We have the common experience of having a WH, and we have the common experience of how we reacted -- by trying to "control the circumstances", as my therapist put it, to end the A. Both of us went to the OW's house.

My friend's H ended his affair FIVE years ago, after she took a job and moved away, and she told me today that they are roommates. There's sex, yes, there are children, but there is no love, no care, and no emotional intimacy. She's lonely.

My guess is that she'll struggle like this until the kids are grown, and then they'll divorce. She said something today that really made me sad. She said that she believes that God has a purpose for each of us, and she wouldn't know what hers was if she died tomorrow.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Regarding the remarriage thing...once I divorce I look at it as I have the opportunity to make a different decision. It scares me, but I don't think I'd want my husband. I made that choice once and it was good for many years but now it's different. If he were in a line of other available men, the only draw I'd have to him now is that he is the father of my children and that he will probably love them more than any other man can or would.

The things that attracted me to him (honesty, integrity, adoration for me and our family, innocence of sorts, and physical attractiveness) are all gone now. He made me feel great because he was so completely devoted -- strange isn't it? Was it all an act?

I've been doing the heavy lifting in our family for a long time now. He seems to want me to make things better for him now that he sees what a mess he's made of things, but I'm not going to do it. I deserve to be with a man not a child. I have two children of my own to raise now.

This is my mantra until the day that I'm allowed to file for divorce.