I am currently in the process, as you can see from my previous posts, of sorting things out for a separation that my wife has requested of me.

I keep thinking that my wife and I should talk to our marriage counselor (that we had been seeing) about this first, before going through with such a big decision. She did tell me about 1 1/2 weeks ago that she would agree to meet with our marriage counselor, after I decided to see a counselor for my self and some issues that I need to work on.

I have seen my own counselor, and she has been seeing her own counselor for quite some time, but I don't know that she would agree to seeing our marriage counselor, or at least not with an open mind about whether we are doing the right thing. It seems clear from her actions for the past week (opening her own bank account and picking up a title transfer for our car), that she is pretty gung ho about taking care of all of these affairs neccesary to split up as fast as she can.

I wondered if I remind her that she agreed to see our marriage counselor as soon as I made an appointment and saw a counselor for myself, and would she still be open to that. Also, would it be a good idea to talk to her counselor about what we are doing, and maybe to tell her counselor that I have decided to do whatever it takes to make things work (by my actions, not my uncompleted promises), and maybe see what she has to say?

Thanks in advance for your input.

Gregg

Gregg,

I know you have a lot of questions right now as I did when my husband first left. I cannot give you the answers. I can tell you the mistakes I made. The first mistake was trying to make or talk my husband into anything. Even my contesting the divorce pushed him away and made him angry.

My biggest mistake was seeking the advise and direction of others. I have learned that I must go to God for all my answers and direction. Sometimes it takes time to know God's answers and direction. I had and must seek Him in all things. We are to trust in God not man. That is not saying that we cannot get support or encouragement from others. Just make sure you are seeking God first.

God has used this time of separation to bring me closier to Him. I am sure He is allowing this to bring you and your wife closier to Him. I had trouble and still do understanding God's word and will for my life. When I cried out to God for His will, He sent me to the website I gave you. Did you go there yet?

Remember if you want your marriage restored, it is not about the rights we have or what someone is suppose to do , it is all about what God wants us to do. We are to die to self. I had to stop putting what I wanted before what God wanted.

I hope this helps you.

I will be praying for you.

gentle

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Thanks, Gentle.

You are so kind. Thanks so much for the www.restorem.org website. I will have to start believing these kinds of things, and believing to let everything rest in God's hands more than I do now.

How do you just keep the faith for so long that your husband will be back? What has God done to make you believe this. What kinds of prayers should I be saying do you think? Also, should I ever ask her to pray with me or for our marriage some day (I know that you found a way to not mention your marriage anymore to your husband.)

Thanks!! I'll be praying for you too!!!

Greg,

It has been a journey. I still have days I feel like giving up. Then I will go thru the options and end up right back at the same place...waiting.
Believe me this is hard for me. I use to have no patience. God is working on me in this area and others. God's promises gives me my faith. I learned His promises from the restore web site. I just about wore my workbook out.

My faith also comes from prayers God has answered for me. Fasting really works and it was after a 3 day fast that I got my first real sign that God wanted me to wait for Him to restore this marriage.

I will share another prayer God answered for me.
I lost my home 2 years ago and had no place to live. The church put me and my daughters up with a lady at church for 5 months. I was grateful but this was a very hard time. I had trouble finding a house that I could afford and that met our needs. The day I supposed to start moving I had no where to go. When I woke up that morning I was in tears. Everyone at church had been praying for us to find a home. We were all looking only to find dead ends.

God leaves us out there sometimes to test and build our faith. About 30 minutes after I got up that morning and friend called and had found a trailer that was big enough and was cheap. It wasn't in the best location but, the investment was so small that I could move again without losing much. Deposit and first months rent was only $450. I wrote a check and went back to start moving stuff. While I was loading my van, a pastor from my church called. My oldest son was living with him at the time and he had just found out t few days before (thru prayer request by another pastor) that we had to move.

Anyway I told him about the place I found and he ask what about a place for free? I said for free?
He said the couple that own the home was going to nursing home and the family needed someone to care for the home and they couldn't have any income. He said the house wouldn't be ready for a month. Anyway it all work out and we stayed in the trailer for a month and then moved into a 3 bedroom home with a large yard and storage buildings and most things to care for the home. I only pay insurance and taxes and of course utilities.

This explains why everything we tried lead us down a dead end street. God was waiting for us to have this home. I only have to work about 20 hours week now and have more time and home and church. God has taken care of me and my daughters. It didn't look like it at times, but He came thru. I am telling you this so you we see it takes time sometimes. We don't know God's plans and His ways are not our ways. Have faith and seek Him. He will show you the way.

Ask God to confirm for you that He wants this marriage restored. Wait for His answer. Have faith.

I ask my husband to pray with me and this pushed him away even more. He said he would pray but not with me. Don't try to make things happen.

You will learn how to pray for your marriage in the book form the web site. This is a narrow road. It will take you laying your will down and asking for God's will. You may have to do things that your flesh doesn't want to. One I had to do was let go of my attorney. I had a good attorney paid for by a legal service. I dropped all my motions and things started to change. I put all my faith in God. You will have to go against what the world (family and friends) are telling you to do. You will have to choose the narrow path.

This is what I have done. I know my marriage will be restored because of the things God has done in our lives already. It would take a lot of writing to tell of everything He has done or shown me. All our friends at church believe my husband and I will be back together soon. Many at church think we are already back together because we are always together. They say it is like we are a couple again. All of our friends have not always believed this way. This has all taken time.

I can't tell you how long it will take for you. Every situation is different. My husband had a lot of the same complaints you said your wife had about you. I would promise to be different but I would always go back to my old ways. I couldn't change on my own. I had to let God change me. I had tried on my own for years to change. I believed God allowed this to happen so He could change me into the wife and person He meant for me to be. Like you I wanted change so bad, but old habits are hard to break. My husband didn't trust me even when I started to change. He didn't think my changes would last. It takes time to heal the hurts. It take time for them to see Christ in you. You must let your wife see Christ in you.

Be encourage and please order the books from the web site. I promise they will change your life. Your eyes will be opened as my was.

gentle

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Thanks, Gentle!

There are several books and workbooks. Which would you suggest I start with? (I don't know where to start, and I don't think I could afford them all at once.)

I think that this all has been good in some ways. The most important one, is that I have finally decided to be saved and accept Jesus into my heart. Although things are still hard, I was truly happy to be in church today. I really enjoyed (for the first time really) both Sunday class and the service today. I was really moved by the songs we sang, and just God's presence there. Our church takes communion every week, and I was distrubed to notice that my wife did not take communion today, for probably the first time that I can ever remember.

From accepting Jesus into my heart, I have decided to still care for my wife, and be her friend, and to pray that Jesus will ease the pain for her, and for her to be happy. I told her this today after we got home from church. I said this and I said "don't lose your faith in Jesus,even though this is a tough time right now." I also told her after going through all of this turmoil, I have just decided to accept Jesus into my heart. I also told her I want to be there for her and to be her friend, and give her a hug if she needs it.

Gentle, you are a true inspiration!!!!!

Thanks,

Gregg

Gregg,

I am glad you had a good day at church. Yesterday
and today have been hard. I am not sure what is going on with me. I am praying for God to let me know what I am to do now if anything about my marriage. I really believe he is close to comimg home and it is almost as if my husband is waiting on me to do something. I don't know. He knows how I feel about him.I believe he knows I want him home. I don't want to do the wrong thing with him being so close to coming home. One of my friends talked to him this morning and she thinks I need to ask him to come home. This is hard because in the past when I ask him to come home he would give me the dreaded " I am not coming back". The last few times I talked to him about how I feel he hasn't said anything. That is a big change.

Anyway, sorry to go on. It has just been so long since he left and I know it is hard for him to trust again. I pray he puts his trust in God to restore our marriage. I will keep you posted.

Please order the How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage book for men. I have a copy for my husband.I have been praying for a sign to give it to him. I have came close lately. I have read some of it and it is very good. The book is $12.99 plus shipping. You will have it in three days. Please order it soon because by what you are writing, I believe you are starting on the same path God led me down 3 years ago.

If you can order the package that has book, workbook, and tape for $38.99. You will save this way. But if you cannot afford this then just buy the book.I promise it will be money well spent. It is much cheaper than a lawyer.

Don't be concerned about your wife not taking communion. We are not to take communion if we have something we have not given to God. I believe this to be the Holy Spirit working in her. Leave her to God. I know this is hard. I fight this everyday. Believe God is working not matter what you see. That is faith.

Please order the book soon. I know God will speak to you thru this book. It was a great comfort for me.

gentle

Thanks, Gentle.

I have been praying for you. Please keep letting me know what continues to happen, and what you are continuing to feel.

If I ever get back to the point that you are at, I wouldn't know when to pop this question either (when to ask your spouse to move back.)

During this time that you gave become such good friends, does it feel like anything is there romantically? If so, why do you think so.

Does anyone else have any suggestions about when to astually ask your spouse how she/he feel about you if it ever seems to be getting better?

Gregg,

I don't believe I should ever ask my husband how he feels about me. I will wait on him to tell me. I am not sure if my husband even knows how he really feels about me right now. I know he loves me because God has shown me this many times. He is just not ready to admit it to himself. He is afraid of being hurt again. His heart is softening.

I feel God may be telling me to ask him to move back home. Of course he is telling friends that he may move back for the girls and because it is what is best for family. I know it is much more than just the girls and family. There has not been anyone else in either of our life's. Yes, we are romantic . This took time also. He was so hurt for a time that he wouldn't come near me. God even moved him over three hours away for almost 6 month three years ago.

We get along better now than we ever did before. We have became friends. This was an important part to heal our marriage. I really believe pride is keeping him from coming home right now. He told a lot of people that he would never come back. He is also afraid of failing again. But, God is bigger than any of this. I believe that he would be very upset if any other man tried to come into my life. This is just a very tender time in our marriage.

Don't give up God can heal the hurts. ALL things are possible with God.

Did you order the books? I know you will be glad you did. God's plan really works but it takes time.

Gentle:

I bet he will come around, from what you are saying. I would guess that this is in some ways the most difficult time of all....something so close, but possibly yet so far away.

I am interested in how you can be romantic, yet not tell each other how you feel.

Keep the faith, and I will order those books as soon as I get paid.

Gregg