I'm about to ask a question that I may know the answer to but I just need to talk about the feelings I'm having. I can't really talk to anyone I know because they wouldn't really understand. I've posted on the site before but not in a long time. I already know what the Bible says but I'm just feeling really down and want to talk.

In your opinion, is it worth staying in a marriage if you don't think you're in love or was ever in love with your spouse.

My H and I have tried everything but I just can't seem to spark up any chemistry or romantic feelings for him. It doesn't make any sense. If you read any of my other posts then you will
find out that I married my husband for all the right reasons except I never had romantic feelings for him. But I still thought I was doing the right thing, and even Dr. Harley says that it is possible to create chemistry if it is not there. But it just has not happened.

If I am really honest with myself I would say that I am staying in my marriage for security reasons. We've already started a life (Thank God we don't have kids yet, although we've been talking about having our first in another year or so.) - I really don't believe I'll find anybody else so I would risk being alone. He's providing for me so it would be hard financially to leave. But even though all these things are not good enough reasons to stay, they certainly aren't good enough reasons to leave either.

So many women are looking for that but what I'm wanting right now is to be feel for my husband the same way he feels for me and to be able to be excited about spending time with him. (yes I've read about the EN)

I don't want to hurt him either because he doesn't deserve it, I just can't see my self giving him the love he deserves right now. Maybe I'm just going through a phase I don't know. I've heard that somewhere between the 5th and 7th years of marriage couples go through a stage where they are doubting weather or not they can really spend the rest of their lives with each other, so maybe that's what I'm going through. I'm trying to give it some time but right now I'm kind of down.

lj

LJ, statistacs have proven that 80% of marriages that are unhappy if given 5-7 yrs the same couples say they have the best marriage ever. Yes there is what they call a 7 yr itch when one of the spouses might be unhappy but if both can just stick it out they will usually suceed. I would recommend going to this web site http://www.restoreministries.net/ and pick up both the handbook for women and men. see if your spouse will go thru his with a same sex friend if not at least get a same sex friend to go thru the 1 written for you. You have way too much invested to just end it. Also it will leave scares for life on all friends and family along with your self if you do think divorce is an option. Smiaj

LJ,

I don't really need to explain what happened to me, but I'll tell you that my X told me the same things that she didn't love me, never loved me, etc. She stated she was unhappy for about 6 months prior to her affair and that she tried everything...problem is, she never informed me.

May I ask what you have done to strike up the chemistry? You say you have tried everything, but my X said the same. In reality, she tried nothing.

Do what it takes to turn your H on to you. Pursue him. I cannot stress this enough. Nothing gets a man going more than having his woman very interested in him. Romance should follow from him.

This may be sexist, but I think that women are 90% responsible for what goes on in their relationships. Men don't understand relationships. They don't know how to fix them. This is woman's area of expertise.

lj,

Have you sat down and really spoken to your husband about all these feelings you are having? I mean really talked about them? Are you maybe afraid if you do, you'll end up hurting him? If you do think that, just remember that leaving/divorcing him will hurt A LOT more than any conversation you may have.

Many people when they go through doubts, start to question if they "ever" loved the other person. In fact they actually can convince themselves that they really did NEVER love the other person. I'm not saying you are wrong, for I don't know your history, but I just know that when we doubt love, we begin to look for all the reasons why we shouldn't be with the other person.

I strongly suggest couples counseling. It may not be "you" who needs to change, it may just be that while your husband so loves you, he may just not be meeting your needs in the ways you need to have them met. Which isn't his fault or your fault, it only means that the two of you need to communicate that to each other...

It is ALL about talking AND listening. Counseling is a great vehicle to accomplish both those goals...

Also remember that men can "sense" things as well, so if you aren't feeling "in love", it may be causing your husband to begin to withdraw as well, which will only lead to your marriage taking a downward spiral...

You say you've tried a lot to fix it, but chances are you have probably tried the same things time and time again (that is what most of us do). With counseling you may find some tools that you never knew existed...

God Bless,
Mike

Well we've tried spending time together because social and recreational activities are important to me. I've tried spicing up the sex life for him. We've been to a few counseling sessions. He surprised me with a special weekend trip for this past valentines day. He's expressed affection through little notes and cards. All these things were nice but I just kept wishing it was somebody else doing those things for me instead of him. I know that's bad but I can't help the way I feel.

There are a few things I wanted to try but it would cost money and since we're both in school right now we don't have the money. But like I said he's doing his best and I don't neccessarily think he's the problem. I'm the problem. I'm just desiring something or someone else.

lj

Have you made a list of the qualities that you feel you need in a husband, then compared that to what your husband is?

I have relatives that have been married for over 50 years, and when I went through my divorce I went to speak with them - To ask them about their experiences. Each one of them said that there were times in the marriage where they did not feel "in love" with their spouse - some of those times actually lasted a period of months, even years. But the reason they stayed together was their belief in the vows they made - that their vow was to "love each other" not to be "in love with each other".

Being "in love" is a feeling, it comes and goes, even in the best of relationships. "Loving" someone on the other hand is a choice - it is a choice you make in your heart. Loving someone is a selfless act, being "in love" is a feeling that is more about your needs.

I don't know if you have faith in your life, but if you do I suggest maybe going to talk to your minister, pastor or priest. By doing that you may uncover some new and different understandings of what love is and why you may be feeling the way you are...

If you are looking for someone to "make you happy", whether it is your current husband or some other man in the future, it will never be enough. Other people can not make "us" happy. Happiness comes from within, not from without. So be sure you aren't confusing the emotions of being happy with yourself, to being "in love" with your husband...

I'm not suggesting what you are feeling is wrong, really I'm not. I'm only saying that I have talked to quite a number of people - married and divorced, and they all seem to agree that being "in love" is not what you need to focus on in a marriage. If your spouse is your best friend, then during the times you fall "out of love", you need to focus on that friendship and on loving your husband with all your heart.

Love is a funny thing - the more you give it away to another person, the greater it grows inside you...

These may not be the comments you were hoping to hear, but I hope that they at least give you something to think about - maybe to look at things from a different perspective, even if you don't agree...

Mike

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but I just kept wishing it was somebody else doing those things for me instead of him. I know that's bad but I can't help the way I feel. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and who is this other person? what does he look like? does he have a name?

I think you are ready for a letdown.
your probably going to screw up the rest of your life, then you will want your husband back.

I do think after being almost married 40 years..
I am qualified to say..that things do change..
they can change for good as well as worse.
the thing is it isn't a 2 day do this and that..it is a lifetime of loving things done.
try to outdo each other..and see where it gets you.

what kind of feelings did you have for him before?
what changed those?
you watching temptation island or something like that? those people are fools.

I hope you wake up and smell the coffee as ann landers says..or abby..

what would you do if you found out your husband was having these thoughts and you weren't and it was turned around..think about that?

please think about what your going to do, try to make it work with hubby..because you do not even know the other person and who knows they might have worse things in their life in the beginning it will be like a honeymoon then watch out..

I bet you got a gem there and you just don't appreciate him..get a girlfriend to evaluate him for you..I bet you change your mind real fast..when you hear someone else mentioning some attractive and qualities about him someone else finds in him..it will cause sparks to fly to protect what you have..

I think you ought to love him..he is going to be hit by a train and he is probably not even got a hint one is on its way..

I think it is being wrong..was done to me..
almost cost me my sanity..
but it did not work out the way he planned it at all..God got the last laugh..I feel HE was taken out of the picture...I really do...
please reconsider hurting him..and stop now.you cannot take a marriage covenant lightly..
God is watching..HE will take care of this..you will see..it is like a contempt of court..
but the judge is God..in marriage.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sad Eyes has some good suggestions. When you first saw your husband was the feelings there? Why did you marry this man? Most likely you had the feelings, and loved him for who he was. You were in-love with this man. You loved him for who he was, and his personality. He seems to be a stable man, with great pride in himself. He loves you, and seems to give you admiration.

To break up a marriage, where there is no infidilty, physical or emotional abuse, etc. seems that you are going through a (midlife crisis). I would suggest that you get individual counseling. Maybe your self-esteem is down, for work reasons, not feeling like you have accomplished much in your life, feelings of being ugly, maybe weight gain, all these reasons and more. Have you had your hormones checked out. You could be going through early menopause too. Women in their late 20's have been found to be in pre-menopause and don't even know. Thyroid could be out of whack. Many bio-chemical reasons could be causing you to feel down and out. Hon, you seem to be a wise woman. A woman that is honest, and intelligent. Don't give up your marriage. Your husband by your thread seems to love you, and you seem to love your husband.

What the Harleys says about the in-love being created with trying is true. You and your husband didn't just be in-love the instant you saw each other. You had conversation, dated, and more and fell in-love. Maybe your husband isn't meeting your emotional needs, or your physical needs. There is much for you to dive into and search to find out why you are feeling this way.

Don't give this marriage up. God hates divorce, and God brought you two together till death.

Hi,
Just wondering if you have seen a dr. Is it possible that you are depressed and the symtoms from that are adding to these feelings, rather than your situation making you feel depressed?

True happiness comes from within oneself. Changing your situation may not help at all and it could be that you would have great regrets after the fact.

Love is not always connected to feelings, but is an act of your will.

Free

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Free ]</small>

Thanks sotired, and everyone else.

Even though I appreciate your comments they only scratch the surface of my innermost qestions about love. But it's enough for now to encourage me to hang in there and hope these feelings will pass.

I have a question for you though sotire. Did the people you talked to say that those "in love feelings returned" or that they just learned to live with each other in spite of not having those feelings.

SadEyes I realize that you and everybody else on this site (including me) have been through a lot so I'll try not to get too defensive, but I can't control my feelings I can only control the way I deal or react to them. I just want you to know that because it sounded kind of like you were angry at me and people who feel like me because of your experience.

Also I'm not in the dark about what the consequences would be if I acted on my feelings I just basically need to know if it was worth staying in a marriage if I couldn't (for the rest of my life) have sex with my husband without experiencing the emotions I long to have for a man, or without enjoying to the fullest the time we spend together, or without being able to look at him and know that there is no other person I would want to be with.

Hopefully you guys can understand what I'm saying. It's hard to express myself because I keep getting the same comments and answeres (not that they're not valid) but like I said they only scratch the surface of what I am really feeling.

So yes I do understand that I have a good man, it's just that without those romantic feelings it's kind of hard to enjoy being married.

To Faith4me: I'm not as old as you're making me out to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But I would admit that I have low self esteem (just a little bit) even though I've never thought about that contributing to the way I feel. Because to tell you the truth my husband was the only man that ever took any interest in me (besides those men who showed interest that I wouldn't have touched with a ten foot pool) I don't count those. And I do find myself wishing I could have played the field a little more and had more men to choose from.

He was the only descent man that wanted to date me and even though there was no chemisty per se, I decided to give him a chance. Before I knew it we had been dating for 3 1/2 years and he ask me to marry him. I do remember being hesitant because I had heard you should date more than one person before you settled down but at the same time I didn't want to take the risk of letting a good man go. I also took in to account what everybody says about love not being a feeling etc... So after praying about it and thinking about it, I said yes. Also I met my husband in the midst of my conversion experience so at that time I just assumed that he was who God gave me. It still could be true it's just that I'll never know for sure now.

Now I know that God gives us choices and maybe I could have waited a little longer to be sure that I was marrying the right person. I would have risked being alone but being alone in the long run seems better than being married to someone you're not totally crazy about, ya know what I mean?

But anyway, I felt like this a long time now but it got worse of course when temptation came. (it's not a secret I've mentioned it in some of my other posts) Just to ease your minds I never acted on any of my feelings and besides my counselor I never told him or anyone else that I was feeling that way. It was just hard emotionally to deal with on top of the way I felt already.

So, I am going to wait it out but I'm praying that it will get better before it's time for kids. We were planning to start having children next year.

To wait it out, means that you are wishing for a wishing bone. You don't wait it out. You work on yourself. You work on what you need to have yourself feel better about you. Are you enjoying life outside of your husband? Are you happy with the friends you have met? Are you happy at the church you are attending (if you attend). Are you content with wht you have done in your life so far? Could you maybe continue to go to school and improve yourself? Is everything okay on the homefront with your family? Relations, are what you make of them, and how you feel about yourself.

You sound a little like someone else that writes here on Marriage Builders, and I know this person quite well. Do you want someone to debate with you? Do you want all of us to throw our recommendations at you? Or do you want to listen, learn, pray, and realize that we all have been through h*ll in the last years. We are giving you sound advice that divorce is not worth it. We all have experienced first hand. And our wayward spouses have been very difficult, and manipulation is so strong in their lives.

Hon, I do think that you need individual coounseling. Have you ever thought of going to a college and taking the interest tests that they have to take? Maybe you are working in the wrong path, maybe you have qualitities that you didn't realize were there. Hon, if I could, I would love for my divorce to have never happened. Divorce is worse than death. Believe all of us, and the repair after divorce is going to take sooo.... long. My husband, has emotionally, and physically abused me, where I had to have surgery on my rotator cuff after he threw me around. That is hard to take, and I will be suffering the rest of my life. My husband won't suffer, he can go and live his life of deceit and lies. He doesn't have to suffer, and take drugs for over a year.

Your husband loves you, and I think that you should look into yourself, and see what is bothering you. I am not saying you are a bad person. You just seem to be quite unhappy with life. I would love for my husabnd to have brought little gifts to me, and to tell me that he loves me.

Have you two thought about separation instead of divorce. I don't really know what else to tell you, but I think that you need counseling, just for you. Not that you are psychologically bent, but maye you need a tuneup or something on that order.

Faith4me

No. I'm not debating anything. Did you read the part of my post where I said that I appreciate the comments? Did you understand that I was encouraged a little to do the right thing? If you read my first post you will realize that I just wanted to express my feelings because I couldn't to anyone else. You're doing the same thing sadeyes did by using your emotions from your experience to respond to me as if I'm you. But I'm not you. Maybe we're reading eachothers posts the wrong way but just listen to me before you jump to conclusions.

You sound like you been through a whole lot more than I have but I'm not here to compare my experience with everyone elses. I'm just here to talk and release some of the emotions I've been holding inside.

Now to address some of the issues you brought up. I mentioned briefly that my husband and I have been to counseling but I did not make clear that before I brought this up to him I went to counseling myself first. So that takes care of that.

For the most part yes I am happy with life outside of marriage. The only thing that I have not been happy with is my career. My husband and I are both in school getting Master degrees. So I'm hoping when we're done I'll have better luck in that area than when I finished my BA.

As far as friendships are concerned, no I wasn't really satisfied with my friendships but about a year ago I was making a conscious effort to build better relationships with Christian people (which is kind of how some of this got started but I won't go there) Anyway, I'm also trying to develop a closer relationship with my younger brother etc.

So, yes, to make a long story short, I am working on myself as well.

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: lj ]</small>

sotired,

If you're still hanging around I would still like to know the answer to that question. I'm curious.

thanks