Two weeks till our 7th aniversary, I am ready to call it Quits and start fresh (Like enlisting in the military, I'm still young). I am beat, and tired of trying to make it work. Been out of Forum a while. Long story short W wandered, 3 times. She has been telling me that she is closing those doors in her life and sees me as her future (What a Joke) she says I am a good man, but in the mean time shows me little progress and less caring. Hell, it took a severe black-eye from Martial Arts practice for her to even show me any kindness or caring without arguing or "getting frustrated" at me. Lately she has been parroting "divorce to end my pain", sad thing is, the more she says it... the more appealing it sounds.

W tells me that she cannot give me what I need right now (even my most simple needs: Little Love & Respect), and has no idea when she can. I have been trying to be supportive for a year and a half for her to get over the OM(s) and to try at our marriage. I am having a harder time not cursing at her, or worse becoming violent when she focuses her nasty attitude(s) at me about ALL my failures as a Spouse (She uses my failures as excuse for Affairs). So far the worst I have done was called her is a "Lying Whore".

I not sure if I am ready to throw 7+ years way, though W sure seems ready to. Any Sage Wisdom, Advise or ???. Jump Ship Now or give it a few more months?

S.W.

I feel your pain concerning the affairs believe me. After staying with a woman for 24 years who never really saw the light of her adultress behavior I'd have to say this: If she won't subscribe to the principles of Marriage Builders PJA, emotional needs questionare etc.. then you're in for some grief. I wish now I'd had ended my marriage with a cheater a long time ago. They show no respect and could care less about your feelings. Now I really don't know much at all about the details of your situation, but I also know that God hates divorce. I actually was trying to reconcile and forgive her for the 4th time until a couple weeks ago. But she won't change! I will not be treated like that anymore. So I'd say be a man and stand up for what you want in a wife and settle for nothing less.
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WW 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
Filing for divorce end of June 03.

SW,

Even Harley suggests that divorce is appropriate especially where no children are present. Your W has had 3 affairs, treats you poorly, and doesn't really care. So let me see...

Yup, I would quietly go to a lawyer, get the papers drawn up, make sure you are protected as well as you can be, and then simply had them to her.

You don't need this, and she doesn't want this, so do yourself a huge favor: LEAVE.

It is clear there has been no learning on her part, so let it go. There a lot of women out there looking for a good man.

God Bless,

JL

As I see it, once an adulterous, twice an adulterous, three times an adulterous - 3 strikes shes out. As I see it, she seems to see you as a bondage of security of finance, show, etc.

Look at it in regard that you 2 didn't have any children.

Have you thought about legal separation?

God hates divorce, and God hates adultery? Hard to swallow both isn't it. In your instance, she needs to be shaken up to reality.

S.W.,

OK let me first start by saying, JUST because you don't have children, divorce will be NO easier on you, your heart or your mind! Divorce is a horrible thing to deal with. It has been quite some time since mine and I still have the scars to show.

We married young, we had no children, she chose to divorce. I now believe in some ways it will always affect me. Those who usually say "Oh definitely divorce, you have no kids" simply think because there are less issues in your marriage, it will not be as damaging or as hard to/for you. They are wrong.

True there are no children to hurt and in that respect there is less guilt and sadness for the children, but about it being any easier, that is A JOKE.

And I ask that you all who do have children not be so quick to jump to the conclusion about how much easier it would be to end things if you DIDN'T have children.

SW, I don't know all the particulars of your marriage, so at the very least I highly suggest counseling, FOR THE BOTH OF YOU. As soon as you can get there. If she won't go, then go yourself - I guarantee you'll benefit from it.

Divorce WON'T simply solve your problems, and in my opinion, while it may solve one problem it in effect brings around a whole bunch of new and different problems for EACH spouse...

God Bless,
Mike

I was married to a WS. We had children. I tried to keep it together for 5 or 6 years. She left me and filed for a divorce. It was the worst time of my life. This all started May 02. It was completed Feb 03. Due to children it is an on going task to put up with her shots and inmature parents. She is very bitter because she didn't get sole custody of my kids. She also didn't drain me dry of every dime I had. She got much less than half for 10 years of marriage. So she is bitter towards me. What I'm trying to say is divorce is very hard, w/ or w/o kids. I found out staying with a woman that repeatedly cheated on me was worse. I went through some very hard times at first but I prayed to god for guidence and help dealing with my problems of her leaving. If she has cheated that many times, (mine doubled it), be strong, know your rights legally and make a stand. You will be happy in the long run.

BTW
By her cheating she has broken the bonds of holy matrimony and a divorce is aceptable acordning to the bible. I had a real hang up with divorce and the church, so I did some research into it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by STP:
<strong>BTW
By her cheating she has broken the bonds of holy matrimony and a divorce is aceptable acordning to the bible. I had a real hang up with divorce and the church, so I did some research into it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree 300%. My EX claimed no affairs during our marriage, but I had numerous clues.....friends seeing her out with guys (dinner), and cell phone numbers. She even called a guy from an airplane phone when she was traveling. I found out by the credit card charge. So, she was AT LEAST having an emotional affair. AT LEAST!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, she was AT LEAST having an emotional affair. AT LEAST!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmm, this is not the same as adultry. You need to be sure about this. Having her emotional needs met by another man is NOT the same as having sex with him. There is a big difference and God did not say you can divorce your wife because of emotional affairs. If I were you I'd try to find out all the facts. Get to the core of your relationship with her. It's hard digging this stuff up for sure, but I'd want to know the truth.
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WW 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
Filing for divorce end of June 03.

<small>[ June 25, 2003, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

5 years into my marriage and I had all the clues and called her out on it. She denined everything. 8 years into the marriage she came clean and told me. (Only because she got cought by my friends wife, who she was doing). I will say she kept it a secret for 4 or 5 years. That is why I can never trust her. For half our marriage she lied to me day in and day out. Know your facts before you accuse because if she isn't having an affair your acusations could realy damage your relationship. I would pray on it, god will guide you.

Somewhere in the bible it does say that if you think of sinning in your mind it is the same as physically commiting it. So could it be that and emotional affair is the same sin as a physical affair? I will have to look for the passage.

OK, here it is, start reading in Matthew 5:27 Do Not Commit Adultery. But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OK, here it is, start reading in Matthew 5:27 Do Not Commit Adultery. But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Certaintly this is true if God said it. But realisticly in this day and age MOST men lust after women period. Are most women, therefore, justified in divorcing their husbands. I remember Jimmy Carter, ex President, saying in Playboy magazine (I don't read it, ha) that he "lusted" after a woman not his wife. So, he commited adultry on the same par as Bill Clinton? I don't see it. These lustful thoughts come into our minds all the time, and I think it's what we do with those thoughts that matters. We can say no, I will not break my vows and commmit a physical act that is prohibited by God. Adultry can and does so much damage to other people that are not directly involved. Broken families, lies, STDs, on and on. Lusting in your heart can hurt you, but no one else really. Just my thoughts.
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WW 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
Filing for divorce end of June 03.

I agree with you on the point that a lot of people do have lustful thoughts... but I believe there is a difference in say seeing someone on the street and having a fleeting thought once and having thoughts day after day (weeks, months, etc.) for the same person. I think that is where the "affair" comes in.
I think in my situation, having my husband admit that he would have had a physical affair with someone if he were able (impotency problems due to illness), I feel like his emotional affair was adultry. I do feel like I have a basis for divorce on that fact, as well as some others.
The difference is a physical affair hurts many people and God, whereas an emotional affair is just between you and God.
I don't mean to step on any toes, just my opinion which is based on my current experience and feelings.
The Bible can be interpreted so many ways. Who knows, maybe I missed something, but maybe I didnt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think in my situation, having my husband admit that he would have had a physical affair with someone if he were able (impotency problems due to illness), I feel like his emotional affair was adultry </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have a very good point. I was referring to the casual wayward thought. A continuing emotional affair that was willful and so hurtful to you certainly does qualify as adultry. I am very sorry you had to experience the pain and hope you find some solace in the fact that there are so many of us going through the same thing. There is light at the end of the tunnel as they say.
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WW 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
Filing for divorce end of June 03.

Thanks Folks for your support and wisdom...

To answere the unasked question... No I am not sure that my WS's EA's turned phsical. I suspect. Had a blow-out on day of aniversary. I was torqued off, because the night before she stayed the night at her "Gay" friends place. Problem is, I think the fellow is at the very least Bi, and has designs on my W. This is the same fellow that she has over, and would rather gouge out her own eye than sleep in the same room with me while he is there. I have a ROYALY F*****-up relationship... wouldn't you say.

Anyways she was upset about her latest EA when she got home. Let's just say it got very ugly very fast. Since then I have been dealing with the aftermath. I am torn right now... I want my marriage to WORK... but on the other hand, I want OUT. Right now things are "quiet", however I have started to move "on" emotionally. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring, and I have begun doing more things on without my W. You could say that I am getting back into the habit of thinking about me only. I am Playing it by ear right now, but I may be ready to give her the separation that she has been looking for very soon. It all depends on her. If she starts taking some beg steps to towards "US" in the next couple of months, then I will stay. Otherwise, my cat and I will quietly look for a new place to call home.

Please Pray for us.. Thanks again
SW

" If she starts taking some beg steps to towards "US" in the next couple of months, then I will stay. "

If she has not done anything up to now to have changed why do you expect her to change in the next couple of months. So far you have accepted her even though she has not been remorseful after having 3 affairs. You stayed even though she tells you that you no longer interest her as a husband and lover
and that she wants to be separated. It is my opinion that you would be better off if you gave her what she wants. Maybe then she might have the incentive to look at herself and try to figure out why she is so f***ed up.