It's tuesday. And he's off finding doctors for our son, demanding we sell our parrott because he says "bad for allergies" and whatnot. He's also picked out a new school for our son.

He is also complaining about "dog hair" and son's allergies. Now a new doctor for our son.

I haven't had any time down whatsoever to get started on the stuff of life. In four days he has determined everything should change in our son's life, not to mention our family is torn asunder.

He wants everything "now and done" asap. Like it's part of some world domination plot or something.

But I know better. It is called control. This is the only thing he can control. Education because this guy who claims he is only making 90k per year is suddenly wanting to send son to a more expensive school than the one he is in now..like 800 a month to 1000? Where's the money coming from?

Lies.

Lies and control. He can not allow me to have one moment of breathing room w hatsoever. He wants to control everything. He can't say, well let's just do things a bit at a time now. I've ripped my family apart, I've got to wait a bit and hopefully let my former wife decide over the next 90 days where she's going to live and then possibly want to change schools. He wants son to go to some private school where the neighbor two streets over is the owner...No doubt somehwat of a friend this lady.

It is just too much for me. Just too much. He couldn't wait on anything. Not at all. And he complains that son has cavities when he took son to dentist yesterday. I was going to wait until the new dental policy goes into effect in about a week because I lost my job and have to have insurance for my son. Nope. I am the one who makes sure that our son brushes twice a day and on weekends three times a day. When he has come from his dad's, I ask him if he brushes and son says "no." He took son to see pediatrician within one day of the dental visit. Son is NOT sick.

If it is a school physical then that is ok but nothing was communicated to me. Seems that the "purpose" of the visit to the doctor was some sort of documentation of sorts about "dog hair" (which is very little if any) and "allergens" to be noted to show that I am some kind of a less of a mother. Oh, and Jethro still employs his maid at his house (poor man though) and is saying that by virtue of a maid, he has a better home.

What do I do. What do I do?

We have joint custody and he's now doing the only thing he can do. Control the two issues that he can. Son's medical and school. Anything to put himself in a good light. In his forwarded email to me, (he cannot send me an email as the law forbids it from him breaking into my home and getting convicted)he says "dog hair blown into my son's face (how does that happen I ask you?) is worse than smoke". What kinda quack doc would say that?

Maybe it was an attempt for Jethro to explain away or justify his smoking or Ms. Family Values' smoking. Or this is all about his refusal to be nice after the "no overnight visitors of opposite sex under same roof as child or fornication" rule...

I don't know but I want this control to end now. End now asap.

How do you deal with a megalomaniac? He wants to control me but he can't. He made it where I was once a stay at home mom, now I am an overstressed, overworked (but not much longer) mom in every way.

Hey Peachy, I have been following your posts. Like you I thought once the divorce was final, the harrassment would stop. Where does this man get off?
I was wondering, you have joint custody, does that mean YOU cannot take your son out GA w/out his permission?. I think if you can I would leave GA, move closer to family/friends to find a job.
If you could put some distance between you and him, making it more difficult for him to be a pain in your backside, and it more difficult for him to see his son, he might back off.
Frankly, I'd think I'd explore "dropping off the face of the earth" so to speak. Take my son, leave GA, change my name and other things, create a new life. Just check to see what legal remifications would be before I did it.
This man could almost make you wish you knew a way to make him disappear.
Well, you have made it thru this adversity pretty well. You can do more. You have friends supporting you. Don't let him get to you, come back here and vent. He doesn't know about this site does he? Could he read your posts?
Well will stop here, just thought I'd try and give moral support. Stay strong, you can do this.

Texasgirl

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>

((((Peachy)))))

It's only control if you allow yourself to be controlled. Y'all have joint physical/legal custody. All decisions regarding healthcare, educations, and so on are to be agreed upon by both parties. In most states, if the parties can't agree on something then they are required to go to mediation. The other thing about joint custody is that most judges will not award it unless it's agreed upon by both parties because of the amount of communication required.

We all have to choose our cross and definately don't make a move without legal counsel, but if you don't agree with something then request mediation. I truly believe that if it gets drug back into the court system a couple times that the judge will not only issue a ruling on the matter at hand he/she will also be inclined to assign a primary custodian and do away with the joint custody.

Believe it or not, my judge said flat out that is what was going to happen if we disagree once.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Thanks so much. I decided to "do more as a mom" and show him what I CAN do still. I enrolled son as of this afternoon after work, in a soccer program at nearby church.

He is trying to enroll son in a non faith based private school but he can't stop me from laying down good moral integrity for our son.

And I am going to make all the follow up visits for son's dentist asap. And will implement a low sugar diet for son since he's prone to cavities. If I have to I will forward it to both attorneys and to Jehtro via my attorneys.

I am taking back control of me and of son. And wherever my son goes to school, I will be involved and will ask to do as much as I can for the class. I am supportive of my son period. I am doing this for son, not Jethro.

No, if i try to move back home right away, a legal battle will ensue. But the Supreme Court allows for this. IF I get a better job opportunity later on, remarry or whatnot, I can move with son. Supreme court will stand on this issue and has recently ruled. Worth looking up if anybody has a controlling x like mine.

And I am just going to do what I can for my son. That is it. Let him do what he will. If I hear of x having OW over at his home under same roof, he will be in contempt of the decree and will get further proof should I choose to move or challenge joint custody in the future.

He probably will not honor it and it's a matter of time before he breaks the rule. PRoblem: lives in a gated community so it is hard to get proof. But...I still have friends that live there.. ha ha..

You know. I wish I didn't have to wonder about anything. Wonder how he is trying to take God out of son's life, how he's trying to mold son into a mini me or anything like that. I want my son to grow into a loving and successful and faith centered family man. That's what I want for him. I will support his education, his goals and be there for him. I wish I could just not worry about Jethro. Wish I was still a stay at home mom who could be on top of every little tiny thing 24/7. But I am going to have to do that now anyway.

There had been so much to live through. The survival day to day, the lack of money, his lack of wanting to provide support for his son, the past abuse and adultery and cruel treatment of me that time had to run its course. IT's hard to focus day to day when you are tormented like I was. The adjustment of being thrown out of your home and suddenly having to go to work full time while dealing with the demons forced upon you by your abusive and cruel x H.

Do I wish he'd change. Sure I do. But I know I am powerless in that. So I turn my back away. That is why I am in plan B. And the law is helping me ironically now. Just in that one respect.

In the end, the legal system , at least his attorneys, attempted to make the victim of abuse, adultery and very cruel mental abuse out to be the bad person. IT was horrible. Victimizing the victim. Something broke inside of me last week when he allowed that to happen. An utter denial and betrayal of what he did to me. I got up, and got proactive. My life and my son's life will be what I make of it and whta I encourage him to make of it positively.

He won't grow up to be like his father or his grandfather. Cheating and lying and abuse of women stops with me. No more. My son is going to change the course of history with regard to the paternal family history of my son.

Thanks for supporting me. Trust me, I have always wanted to move away. I go by my maiden name and hyphenate it with my former last name and started that when I went back working. Wanted people to know me as who I am NOW vs. who I WAS THEN.

It has taken me two years to get on my feet spiritually and emotionally to become ready to take this man on. I am there.

It was horriffic what I was put through one week ago.

The WS will indeed get by with whatever they can, remember that legally. They will do whatever they can to justify their means to an end. I mean anything. If something makes them look bad, like cheating, lying or being abusive, they will spin it around and make the victim of the behaviors (BS) look like the one who made them do it.

Just wait...But think and wait!

And focus on recovery and being healthy. It will take time but that is wht I am after. Being healthy and not rushing anything. Just becoming the best mom as can be and a healthy person alone. Just like Dr. Phil said it's better to be healthy and alone than sick with someone else.

You are strong and you've made it through alot.
And J can't stand to see that. He can't see his attempts at control, but we can.

Stop being controlled. Are you the PPR (parent of primary residence)? If so, where you live dictates the school, and if you really don't know where you'll be in Sept. let your lawyer handle J's inquiries.

We know he's a jerk, you keep getting more proof of it.

Stay strong, and don't let him get to you.

I am staying strong but he's using others to try to forward his controlling behaviors...Ie..saying dog hair (when he has a dog too) is a cause of son's allergies (nevermind that ATL and it's poor air has been dubbed as "severe" for those with respiratory issues or allergies and was slammed over all the papers last week. Saying we have to sell bird (which stays downstairs in basement) asap because of supposed "allergies".

He's making me a wreck. And then b/c son has same problems as I did...had alot of cavities as a kid. He is going to probably have to go on low sugar diet. That is ok. Fine by me. I will do whatever has to be done. But he's attempting to show by "leading" people what to think and gain control as the "good parent". It's his games. Like when he stormed 2 years ago at the height of my pain and his abusive and adulterous behaviors, into the first counselor's office (which he only saw himself one time) and brought in a microcassette recorder to show her how "unstable" i was. Heck, I was being beaten, lied to and cheated on. I was frightened and had not a soul to turn to here in GA. He attempted to use that against me.

The next counselor I saw after it was clear this first one was either being paid off by him or was just stupid...I mean it's not hard to see battered spouse syndrome if you're a professional all right? It was so blatant and this lady couldn't pick it out. She was a "christian" counselor. No phd. nothing. Unable to make a psychological or medical diagnosis ok? The second counselor was a licensed therapist and she dubbed me "as right as rain" and said that I "did an incredible job and was more than sane to have lived through the abuse I did and still be all together".

So I have a word of caution...Those with WS's out there...Watch out for the ones who like to spin everything to their advantage. They may lie and cheat and be cruel to you, but they will always attempt to justify everything to their advantage. Somehow make their having affairs and treating us like dirt ok. Make it ok because we were so "bad" we forced them to do it and some like my xH, will even use their behaviors to justify (totally absurd) their now being a "better parent" despite the absences(son used to cry all the time wondering where his daddy went to), having OW/OP under same roof and living sexually immorally, and being cruel and abusive in front of child, child wondering why some other kid is living and staying in his bedroom/playing with his toys,etc .

They have that capacity. Remember that doctors' notes are important too. Very important. I am obtaining a copy of all doctors' records as well to keep. You will need that. And the WS' can "lead" doctors or counselors or whatever to say things that can get noted in a chart and that could come to bite you later on.

Just a bit of advice in case your d turns out as bad as mine was/is.

I had hoped this poop was all over. Wrongo.

Ok ok ok

I am being sideswiped by Jethro again. I need to focus on other things right now:

1)new job
2)where son and I will live
3)trying clean up credit

and now I have to also deal with kids' doctor (when he is not sick) and the dentist. That is fine. I will do so. I also signed up my son for soccer and am excited about it. Just feel like everything is heaped on me at once.

For example, Jethro made a dentist's appt. for son tomorrow morning (I am working and it's my day for custody)without my approval. I am going to call dentist to reschedule. This is awful. I don't know what to do.

He's dragging you back in. Stop letting him engage you. I hope I can do this when the time comes too.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know what to do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will "I am going to call dentist to reschedule. " Did J think he was going to take your son to the dentist on your time?

He's trying to prove he's a good parent. Our doctor wasn't fooled. When the evaluator called them, our family doctor & dentist disputed many of H's claims. And STBX uses the practice too.

Stop stressing about it. Disengage.

Learn appropriate responses to his comments. "you may be right" and leave it at that. And do whatever you want to do, because that's what he'll do with your son.

My STBX accused me of keeping the girls up late, and claimed they weren't getting enough sleep. The older one sometimes naps on the way home from school. She needs naps - she gets tired easily. He kept blaming me. So I took her to the doctor for blood tests & thyroid tests to see if there was a medical problem. There wasn't. Yet STBX was furious that I took her for testing without asking him. HUH? I couldn't win here, other than knowing that there is no medical reason for her being tired, which is a comfort to me. So I ignore these issues.

STBX dropped them off on Sunday and said little one had a slight fever & stomachache. Well I found out why, she was severely constipated. I didn't question his judgement or ask how long it had been, I let it go - and laughed about it. She stopped up my toilet.

We all need to learn not to "react" to the fogese, they will always be right, and they will always perceive that we are attacking them and their parenting skills, even when we operate in the best interests of our children.

So, breathe, and the great job will come, and the perfect place to live will pop up.
And you can have a man as a friend, and just tell him that upfront. I have one from my support group, and I appreciate having a man's view on certain things. Particularly one who is farther down the road on D recovery. So don't sweat it.

peachy, unbelievable, but no, I guess it would be too good to be true to hope that just because you got the final decree, J would suddenly stop trying to control you... My H has some similarities to J - he's a controlling, abusive liar who constantly projects blame onto me - so I empathize with what you've been going through. Thankfully, we have no children who my STBX can use against me.

If this continues, it's going to be terribly hard on your son. He can't possibly understand what's going on, but he can feel the anxiety and the anger. Keep doing what you have to do to shield him from this...

Peachy,
I too had cavity prone kids. Check with your dentist about sealants on his teeth. It is just a coating that they kinda paint on and then bake with a special light. At the time I had my daughters done, my insurance wouldnt cover it, but it was a whole lot less tramatic for her to have this done once than to have cavities filled all the time. I dont remember it being all that expensive, even without insurance. My daughter is almost 21 now, so that was a long time ago, who knows what they may have now that is better.
Stay strong Peachy, you are my hero!

Ok..I am trying I am trying.

Thanks folks. But I am really down.

There's nobody but me to bail me outta this. Just found out my half of attny fees is coming out of my cash settlement. And they discounted it 12k.

But I am sickened. Got an email via attorneys from Jethro. He is all "happy about soccer" for my son and is playing the good dad.

he is all about this. This man left me with the credit card debt and just laughed at me.

Sure I got a payment and lump sum more than 50% of the cc debt, but he left me waaay in the hole.

I am now nervous and shaky today. I feel like I can't do anything right.

My credit is shot from Jethro. My life is broken. I am ok most of the time but Jethro has son little less than half the month. The man who abused me and cheated and lied gets almost half custody.

Unless I pick up and move in about a year or so. Which I may do.

I am just waiting until he settles back down into his playboy mode again. HE will not like having a kid this much. He never did. Then the custody will probably revert back to the other way it was. He has him two days more now than usual but it sure hurts me.

I totally hate what this man has done.

I am more than insensed at this man. I don't know if I am experiencing rage or grief or probably a bit of both. How dare this man do these things to this family. And then just smile and sweep it under the rug. He's not making a big deal about the dentist anymore because the man got my email about the "soccer team" and is feeling all important about everything.

I just want nothing whatsoever to do with this man period. Not the way he is.

My soul just aches right now. Is this normal less than a week after finalization? I am wondering.

I feel like a tiny little minnow stuck in a place, a huge giant ocean. ATL is too big for me.

Please pray about the job.

The dispersement of the cash settlement is getting me antsy. The bulk of it will not will not come until after Christmas and I want to get on with my life without moving twice possibly. This totally sucks.

I want a place to plant flowers. I want to root. I don't want to keep moving my baby around. This guy makes me so damn mad. He broke apart our family then is leaving me in such a situation that I will 1)need to move to a nice but smaller leased home for a while only to 2)move my baby again within six months into a nicer purchased home. God willing I have a good job again.

The uncertainty is making me wanna puke. He left me with absolutely nothing period.

He is supposed to pay next week the child support and the alimony. That's ok. Mr. Poor Man is sure good about paying monies now that he proved himself to be poor. He wrecked the lives of two people and didn't even bat an eye. He thinks son will "just rebound" from all of this unscathed because he's so young.

I just wanna puke on him and on Ms. Family Values and the whole lot of them. They've covered up sin and lies for so damn long. I want to scream inside right now. I wish I could. Sometimes my heart pounds and races and I feel powerless period. Like he won. I know that my son loves me and is so wonderful. No Jethro did not win, but he sure appears well to everyone around.

Getting on top of the credit issue today. Going to fax stuff to the consolidator. That is a good step for me.

I am frightened. Very frightened financially. So much uncertainty. It is scary. No family here to "make me feel good" like his does...even when he makes sinful and evil choices. Nobody to pick me up and dust me off. Just a few friends.

Next week for the fourth, I am going with a girlfriend and a guy friend (just a friend from back home ok?) and she and I are staying in a condo. It's my divorce gift from them. They think I need a few days away from this crapola. They are right I believe.

But I can't even refocus and regroup right now.

I am as raw as raw hamburger meat on the inside. The man I once loved has been replaced by an evil and self centered man. I guess maybe I am mourning finally for the man who once promised to love honor and protect me.

I am fearful that I will never want to love again. Days like this I want to stick my head in the sand and wish the world would go away.

OK, my blithe answer is "that's why they make ADs"
Use them if you need to.

Peachy, you are mourning the loss of a M, a life, and a love. Either you deal with the feelings now or you continue to make the same mistakes. By dealing with the feelings now, you are healing. And we see you getting stronger.

You desparately need to get away next weekend. Before you go, you need to shake off all this ****. Did you ever hear the story of the man who walks into his house at night and touches a tree? He leaves his troubles on the tree, and doesn't bring home all the little crap to his family.
You need some ritual before you go away, to get the crap off your mind.

There is a book by Anne Lindburgh. A friend bought it for me, but I never had the time to read it. It's about soul searching on the beach I think. It may be time for you to hit the library.

And I was concerned like you about moving twice. As soon as I let go of my anxiety to be in a new house by sept. guess what? I found a great house, on which I'll close "on or before Sept. 1".

Just breathe.

Just Peachy,

There is one thing you can do at this point that Jethro can't influence or distract from, and that is your faith. Right now you are expressing more fear than faith.

I have a book that I read any time I feel fear flooding me - it's not a religious book, but it does walk me through the "behaviors" of faith. It's called, "EXCUSE ME: Your Life Is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn.

It's in paperback for about 10 bucks, but it is also probably available at your local library (zero cost). Sometimes I like to go to Barnes and Noble, and just sit and read a couple of chapters...

Prayers for you and your little boy.

Hi Peachy!
Haven't chatted with you for awhile, but been following your post.
Unfortunately, this kind of nonscense seems to never, ever stop!! I have been divorced almost 2 years, and it happens constantly with me and my ex. HE DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!!!!

Everything is my fault, when the kids or sick, get in trouble at school, get a bad grade, or anything else. Not only do i have to stuggle with this idiot, but i have to struggle with his mom, she is worse than him most of the time.

Of course, everything that he does is completely right, because he is such a perfect human being in her eyes.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So it seems like lots of things get SOOOOO much better, but sometimes you have to deal with lots of other stuff, which isn't fun!! But it is better than still being married to the freak <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Peachy- the attitude of your husband is correct. He lost control of you. He lost control of telling you what to do and how to do it. Now he is using the only other connection he has, your son. I feel for your little guy. This is so hard, and I know how this can injure their identity. SNL used ugly names of me their mom to the kids. My husband lied about the money I am suppose to get. They have lost the power to control everything.

Do what you can with your life and your son. Good idea to get him into a christian soccer team. Get involved yourself, and that way your little guy will be invited to these christian famillies. All you can do at this point is set an example for your little guy, and be there for him.

So Jethro uses anger against you. Whats new. I had plenty of anger used against me. I walk away from it most of the time now, or I just change the subject. Remember when Orchid said use, babble talk. That is it, place the problem in his hands. Like for instance. Your son and the cavities. A diet with low sugar is good. Also, you could say, he has seen the dentist, now for followup dates, would you like me to make the appts. or would you. And just say, we both need to know the dates, to fit each others schedules. Another, about him having allergies. Would you like to keep a schedule of where he is and at what time, so that we both can see where the problem starts. I will do my part and you do. Write down where he sleeps, brushes his teeth, with what type of toothpaste. Diet, need to know the amount of each food he eats, and how it is cooked. Also, what type of pan is the food being cooked in. Where did the son play, oh at Ms. Ow friends. What type of home is that, do they have animals, do they have carpet. Is the house clean, is the house near environmental situations that could cause allergies, and so on and on.

That is babble. No more taking the crap from these men who like to boss and control women. No more.

It is hard peachy. I am having a hard time. But I am getting better and finding that I like the way I am now. I can now become the real me again. I can be the person that doesn't have to worry about saying or doing something that will set SNL off. I used to worry so much about this. And the service calls, the daughter is doing the calls now. So she can get yelled at, not me. I know she is not doing as great a job as I did, but she is trying that is good. And dad probably won't yell at her, cause he loves her, and he hates me, and never loved me even at the altar.

Peachy, you are on the road to success. Doesn't look like it does it. But the success will come. Hard to see it now, but like myself, I have been told that I will be successful, and SNL will wonder why he gave up this most beautiful, caring, loving woman, that was committed to a marriage and never failed to be his wife.

Keep your chin up honey. And remember to sleep, eat, and drink lots of water. Flush out those bad toxins being produced by stress and tears. Water and tea, will help. Take anti-depressants, they will make the transition easier. I was going to try to get off anti-depressants. But I decided that I will continue to take the meds for another year. So what, no big deal. I need it, and I will say it to the world that I needed help. I am not weak, just a very sensitive person, and was betrayed and injured by my husband.

Peachy, you are a loving woman. You are a good woman. Talk to us and let us help you. We will listen, and try to help.