The past 2 weeks I have noticed that my husband was acting strange. spending extra time
at work, rushing me off the phone, ect. Saturday he says he does not love me like a wife
anymore that the romance is gone and he loves me as he best friend and dear family
member. He says he is leaving me in 2 months. He said that I deserved someone better
than him and he has ruined my life. He is blaming himself for decisions made together. I of
course was very upset. I told him I was going for a drive and he needed to examine his
feelings without thinking about what I wanted, needed, that what I deserved was my
decision.

Some history is we have been married for 7 years. His parents (mother now deceased)
verbally and mentally abused him in childhood. His parents had a horrible relationship to
the eyes. They were definately not a good role model relationship. HUBBY has severed all
communication with his dad due to continued abuse. Hubby recently arrested his dad for
harboring an escaped convict. It has been a very stressful few weeks for him. He started a
new job 2 months ago.

He has never expressed his irritation or anger with anything I do because he has learned
to duck and cover with his parents and it has been easier for him to deal with it inside
instead of bringing it to the surface. When I am upset with him he cops out by saying I
guess I am just a jerk ect. And then refused to go any further with the conversation.

In our conversing over this problem I have told him from now on when I am upset he is
going to know I am and why and I expect him to tell me the same. He says there is no
passion anymore. In reading the website my major problem is that I do not have a huge
sexual need. I have my own problems. Sex in my mind is a problem because I feel it is dirty.
I have my own self esteem problems with my body ect. and I told hubby that I am willing to
work on this but it is something he is going to have to help me with. Maybe if more
affection were there I would not be feel the sex was so dirty. And this is a problem in our
relationship that needs fixed. He almost had an affair 2 years ago. They did not have
sexual relations but this act still felt like betrayal because at that time he said he did not
love me anymore also. It has caused a major trust problem with me but have tried my best
to work on it and put it behind me.

He is so convinced he does not love me that he put it as he felt so bad after touching me
and kissing me that he felt he had performed an illegal act. Part of me feels that he has
some confusion as to what "love" is. and part of me feels maybe he has never "loved" me.
I tell him a relationship is constant work. I asked him to examine 5 different relationships of
people close to us that are over 7 years old and feel free to ask them questions about their
feelings. I told him that as long as he feels that the feelings he has is not love and is
ashamed to touch me we are going to have a hard time working on passion. He thinks he
needs to leave the house for a few months. If he feels he needs to leave I told him that it
would cause more hurt to my feeling and our relationship and it will be much harder to fix
this if he decided he wanted to. His response is what if I don't want to come home. I told
him that was his decision.

He says that his being home just causes us both to cry and be upset when we talk. Don't
we need to talk and cry to heal this. I am going through many emotions. Hurt, Anger,
Worry, feeling sorry for him, feeling sorry for me, trying to analize what I am hearing. ect. I
can not continue to go through an emotional rolercoaster for the next year like I am
currently at 4 days after the announcement. Do I need to set a date or deadline for
somekind of update on his feelings. From our talk last night he seems more confused as to
what his feelings are after talking to his aunt and uncle that raised him in high school. I just
need to know what to do.

GET TO COUNSELING. BOTH together and by yourselves. It sounds like you both have a fair amount of issues that you may not be able to overcome yourselves... because the issues are fairly serious and deep reaching.

Do some research and find a good counselor in your area and get there as soon as possible. Going together at first would be the best situation, but if he doesn't agree to go, I strongly suggest that you go yourself.

I'm torn about the separation. If both of you begin to work on yourselves during that time, I'd be all for it. But it sounds like in your husband's state of mind, he may falter during the separation and look to an affair to fill his needs (not that there is any evidence of that, it just seems like he is the type of person that could reach-out for sympathy, maybe to the wrong person).

Counseling. Definitely...
Just my $.02
God Bless,
Mike

You really need to read all that you can about marriage building. Read HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and see if your H will do the needs questionniare. See if your H will make any effort to work on your M. If he doesn't, it will be near impossible to make any changes. He sounds so much like my WS. He keeps doing destructive things but just calls himself messed up. My WS had a horrible family life and I think he never bonded with another human being when he was a baby. That is real tough to undo when you are an adult especially if you won't acknowledge where your defects of character are.

You should be posting on the General Questions board cause most of those members are working on some form of recovery. We are not on this board. Our marriages are ending so I have no advice on how to recover a failing marriage.

TW

Tami,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and your pain. I, myself, am currently going through the same situation. After 6 years together and almost 3 years of marriage my husband returns from a 4 month military training trip and says "I love you but I'm not in love with you the way I think you deserve (how nice of him to assume that for me) and I want a divorce." He refused counseling of any kind to work on the marriage. He went once so the counselor could "help" explain to me why he was leaving. To make matters worse he said that he NEVER felt like he was "in love" with me once the initial dating courtship was over. He left for Iraq on Tuesday and expects me to be gone by the time he gets back in 2.5 months. Before he came home he had already decided what he was going to do done to the last detail. He even started moving and hiding money. And I believe that he had an affair.

Like you I have no idea what to do. The only thing that has gotten me this far is reading Harley's books, counseling, and lots and lots prayer. But I don't know where to go at this point. I wish I had more guidance. Maybe a marriage in crisis weekend encounter? Try to get him to read the books if you can. His Needs Her Needs might help him see how both persons actions lead to hurt and resentful feelings. I'm hoping that my H will have some light bulbs come on by reading the book.

I know exactly how you all feel. I am seperated from my wife, as she says that she loves me, but has no affection, intimacy or romantic love for me. She was abused as a kid by her brother, parents were divorced when she was 6 and abandoned by her dad. Had an abusive relationship in high school. It sounds very similar to your stories. She "learned" to always stuff her feelings if she just wanted to make it through the day. She brought that to our marriage and here we are. 2 kids and 10 weeks of seperation.

I tried everything - as men are to do. Talking, listening, getting angery, etc. Nothing has worked and then finally I realized that I could not continue to put myself in harm's way. I get anxiety every time she calls, sends an email, etc., because I am afraid I am going to get hurt again. As you said that rollarcoaster ride of emotions just go to difficult and so I am trying to seperate from her emotionally. It was hard at first then last few days I have realized that just working on myself is all I can do. I want her back with all my heart and everytime I see her I get that feeling back only to be crushed by something. I need to overcome that if we are going to work otherwise I will continue to go do Lovebusters.

My recommendation is to just work on yourself. Tell he/him how much you care, but you need to work on yourself and you will be waiting. Until I started to try and emotionally seperate myself from my WS, I could often never imagine another day. Now I mostly feel like I could do this forever. I just get sad that she is having such a hard time and I can not help.

Just a thought.