I still have hope but it may be over. I have been leaving messages on the discussion forum for about 4 months now, I thought that my wife would eventually change her behavior, but we still are having a tough time becasue I want her to love me. She does'nt want to at all, and now we have discussed in a real way legal seperation. She even spoke to me about wanting to share with me that she wants to have conversations with the opposite sex. We are scheduled to go to family court on Thursday to get a date to confirm meeting with a judge to finalize legal seperation. I think it is a uphill climb I could never had imagined. I want no one but her, she wants to seek other intimate relationships but I told her my convictions with still being married won't allow me, even if we pursue legal seperation it's still not divorce, I guess that is a plus, but most folk have told that once this begans divorce becomes real easy.
This is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life, if I would have known that infedility on her part could lead to this no one could have convinced me.

psylocke,

OK first things first. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. No matter what - if there is a reconciliation in store for you, or if your W decides to leave you for good. You will survive. If I did, anyone can! When things first went sour for my marriage it hit me about as hard as it can hit anyone. While I did not slip into a depression, I felt as if the whole world was crashing down on top of me. Yet little by little I began to get a foothold and find some peace in my life, during the storm.

For me it was a mixture of things - This site helped me tremendously. The advice I got was both good and bad, but the simple fact that others had gone or were going through the same things as me, really helped. The more you participate on this board, the more you may start seeing patterns emerge in the way the WS acts and speaks to you.

There are direct things you can do - start by reading all the materials that are on this site. There is some good stuff in there. Next make this site a routine visit for you - the more questions you ask, the more advice you seek, the more you respond to others, the more you will get out of your time spent here.

The next thing that helped me was to stop focusing on my wife and begin to shift the focus back to me. Not in a selfish way, but rather in ways that helped me to grow as a person. I spent a lot of time reading relationship books, I picked the guitar back up, I went to the gym just about everyday, started going for walks in the morning and at night. For me, I was in my X's hometown (I moved there for her), which means I had no family and only a few friends - this made it all the harder to get through this time without my wife. Not sure of your surroundings, but if you do have friends/family, reach out to them and allow them to help - Even if you just go over and spend some time doing nothing with them... KEEP BUSY.

Finally and MOST importantly, I relied on what had always gotten me through tough times in the past, I went to my faith. I made daily prayer a true part of my life. I took the time to "be still" and begin to listen to what God wanted of me in this situation and what I could learn from it. AND I GAVE my marriage over to Him completely. Once I did that, I felt a sense of peace come over me which greatly helped me get through it all... If I could do it all over again, I think I would have gave everything to Him a lot sooner, who knows what the outcome would have been if I did...

Be strong. Don't beg, but don't give up on your love and your marriage too quickly. Love is strong force and it can overcome ALL if given the chance...

God Bless!
Mike

Thanks sotired2000,
I must admit that your words are words of encouragement. I must also say that alot of what you have done I have done. I guess it just gets harder as you face new challenges in this area. My faith is the thing that has kept me grounded and secure. My purpose is the thing that I struggle with at this time, I thought my purpose was to be a husband and a father to my family, but now the dynamics have changed. To be honest I don't think she really knows what she wants, she continues to show affection, and openness that only close partners would share, but yet in a moment change towards wanting me seperated from her life.I have a hard time with trying to live seperated lives while living at home with the whole family. This has been good in alot of ways but difficult in other ways. My W wants me to be home to take care of the family becasue she thinks that's my thing. She wants me to provide the care, and security that I have always brought, she just does'nt want intimacy. She has stated seperation for months, she said this would probable take a year for her to get through. But now she thinks longer becasue I am not giving her the space, plus going the legitamate route of legal seperation. I know I am only a miracle away of having healing for myself. I am trying not to focus on my W, but I realized my life evolved around her. I know that spiritually and emotionally it feels like winter, but the Lord will change the season eventually.

psylocke,

You have one great thing that I did not - you two are still living together. My X ran away as fast as she could... By being in the same house, you have so many opportunities to begin to reopen your W's spirit. But the first thing to realize is that men and women think TOTALLY differently. I've suggested this on this site a couple years back and it started this big long discussion, but I'm going to risk it again, just because it helped me understand a lot more of my XW and of myself and of women in general.. John Grey, the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, has a video series by the same name. It is about 5 video tapes.

There is nothing ground-breaking in the series, nor do I think he is a guru. BUT the one thing it really opened my eyes up to was just HOW differently men look at things than women. Not that either is right or wrong, it is just different. The tapes talk about serious issues but in a fun playful mood (which is what I needed at the time). I highly suggest buying them for you to watch. I wouldn't even let your wife see them if that is possible.

But above that, you have the opportunity to "change" how you are acting to your wife. Another thing that worked for me was to go to a counselor (we went together, but I also went alone). Now at the time I was in my twenties and thought I knew it all, so getting my butt there was half the battle. But once I sat and talked about our marriage, believe it or not but I learned a lot about myself...

My X had her mind set on leaving and there was nothing I could do to stop her (even though I tried all I could). It came down to me just letting her go completely and wishing her well with the rest of her life. And I've come a long way since then.

Read about love busters and how to build up the emotional bank, here on this site. JUST DON'T overdue things - Rome wasn't built in a day. Your marriage can not be saved in a week. Look at it as being in it for the long haul - that way you don't have to do "everything right now". And finally realize that while men tend to think being intimate will actually help fix things, it is the opposite for many women - I've found that if they try to "force" being intimate, it causes them even more sadness and fear and upset. So I suggest getting comfortable with cold showers for a while. Don't even approach the topic anymore, leave it up to her...

My counselor used to tell me, "Mike the ball is in her court now and you aren't even allowed back in the building yet... You need to give it time..." I didn't listen at first - it took me a long time to come to grips with all this advice that I seem to dole out so easily!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just know it is what I should have done early on when I found out we had problems, but I waited...

Now I'm back in a similar situation with another woman I love with all my heart. We were on the verge of getting engaged, but some things happened and now I have not heard from her in over a month. It makes me so sad and I worry so much about her... and I worry about "us", but this time I'm doing everything in my power to respect her decision for a "break", and this time instead of waiting too long, I went right to the Lord and left this all with Him... Now whenever I want to send a card or letter, I say a prayer that God will let her know just how much I love her and how much I believe in "us"...

It is sometimes a daily battle to not go and "take back" the issue from God. So I just keep praying for strength and wisdom. I'll now do the same for you and for your wife...

Mike

Just wanted to thank you sotired2000.
Your words were without question encouraging. I know this is not a sprint but a marathon. I believe God has revealed that the key right now is to follow Him no matter what, and to put my trust in His abilities and not mine. The key is to disconnect myself emotionally. I think God has opened up some perspectives to do that too.
I also know this is a battle of forces, and I must reflect on the power that the winds are at His will.
Thanks again, I will continue to read and recieve info from Marriage Builders.