Well, we're moving from H and W, to plaintiff and defendant. I am the defendant. (he's the one who wants it, so he has to file.) Our state offers uncontested divorce, and it appears that we will be able to work this out reasonably, in terms of settlement details.

But it's very weird to live with him like this. I moved to the guest room (my choice, he would have moved but I preferred this). He is much more pleasant than when we were doing MC, oddly enough.

How do you cope, living with someone who was your husband for 21 years... but who now is the plaintiff in your divorce? It's like being in the Twilight Zone. Sometimes, it feels normal. Sometimes it feels awful.

<small>[ June 25, 2003, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: Squeak ]</small>

1) make sure you have a lawyer,
2) you do nothing for him,
3) you make your own meals
4) you take trips by yourself
5) you find a place to stay with a friend
6) you start moving your stuff into a storage locker, but only you r very personal, sentimental stuff.

Did you ever ask him if his parents went through a rough time when they were about his age?

wiftty

[QUOTE]Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
[qb]1) make sure you have a lawyer
I have two different consultations set up, and a third name as a fall back. I want to talk to at least two before I put one on retainer. But I'm working on this.

2) you do nothing for him,
OK on this one too. We're being polite, and having some convo about the paperwork, settlement. Each of us does things around the house.
3) you make your own meals
Yes, I am making my own meals. I do allow him to eat some of what I prepare-- ie have some of the meatloaf in the frig.
4) you take trips by yourself
Haven't done this yet, but my daily activities are independent.
5) you find a place to stay with a friend
I am staying in the house, and have told him so. I moved to the guest room (due to preferring it, not to defer to him). The mortgage is in my name alone, and I will not leave the house I'm responsible for. He will be be leaving, but wants to return to work on things around the house-- ie painting, etc-- and I have agreed to this, as it's practical.
6) you start moving your stuff into a storage locker, but only you r very personal, sentimental stuff.
I have put important papers in a safety deposit box but that's about it. Is this because if he turns ugly, I have to protect precious things? I really don't see him doing that... but I realize how stupid that sounds from someone who never thought her H would want to leave her.

The most precious things are the housecats, all the rest could be replaced. Well, maybe some scrapbooks, photo albums, etc.

Did you ever ask him if his parents went through a rough time when they were about his age?
I did not ask, but his childhood is like a buffet for psychological speculation. He was adapted. Adoptive mother #1 kidnapped him, and left home-- leaving his adoptive dad, and the other adopted child without warning. That ended in divorce. Then his grandmother became the mother figure. When he was 7 or 8, his dad remarried to a woman who my H judged as not really loving him (which was not true in fact). She died in in 1988, when H was grown and had been M to me for 7 years.

Many of H's accounts of his childhood have turned out to be untrue. He claimed he was thrown out of house when I met him-- later learned he got in a fight, stole their car and a credit card and disappeared. He claims his dad never once spent time with him, just worked to provide... yet over the years I hear countless stories from his dad about little league games, wrestling matches, family trips, etc.

It seems that my STBXH has an unquenchable need for admiration, love and acceptance... and that he no matter how much of these things he gets, it never registers or feels sufficient to him.

Wiffty, thanks for taking time to reply. You are so kind to me.

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: Squeak ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">5) you find a place to stay with a friend
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't say move to new place, i said find a place with a friend in case that you feel an urgent need to separate or move out.

OK, from the description of your H's childhood, he doesn't appear to have a good set of stable genes, and has a very chaotic upbringing. These type of situations usually means that there is something slightly unbalanced in his emotional state. My X used the sympathy route to motive me to feel sorry for her, which was her learned way of getting attention from her parents. Yes, there were lots of "false" stories from my X, and I would bet there are tendencies towards some disorders, although i don't know which from your limited description. .

I would suspect that from his childhood, he was a ticking time bomb, and it has nothing to do with you, bu the is replaying some of his FOO drama in his life. . . so its good that you don't have children.

I would say, you can probably find better, alhtough at our age, its not as easy any more.

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Married 21 years, building what looked like a good life, but without needs being met very well, living seperate lives.

6/18/03, he finally said in words what his actions had foretold. We are getting a D. I never thought I'd be dealing with this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could have written that, and only after alot of observation, and counseling did i understand that not alot of it is me, my situation was my transition into a very successful career which demanded more independence and more discussion of X which she did not want. Part of my transition was to a job that made significantly more money, and therefore power, and also, time. . .

that was not the basis for HER marriage, her marriage was based upon working together, and once that was gone, X viewed us as having no connections except the kids. . . so her view of marriage was "working together and living together", which is how her parents lived, although mine did not. . . which is how we started but did not end, but which we agreed to. . . she just didn't like her agreements and couldn't keep up with them. . .

so in reality, you won't really know what the motivation is until much later, when he acts out his next moves, and to then see what they parallel from his developmental years.. .

basically, i think you might find a better life and partner somewhere else, from the description of his childhood. . . I know i did, its just that my life is not what i want it to be, so i can't join in on a daily basis until i get a better handle on my life. . .

wiftty

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in reality, you won't really know what the motivation is until much later, when he acts out his next moves
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This rings true. I really don't understand why he is doing this-- it doesn't make sense at all.

Short term, he's found an apartment and will be moving out in another week, as soon as it's ready. I'm sending some furniture, household items with him; and agreed he can store things in the garage.

He claims he doesn't really have a plan, doesn't really know what he's going to do. This seems impossible to me, but only time will tell. For now, I just have to focus on doing what's right, taking care of my own interests, and getting the settlement right. It's sad, but each day I seem to get stronger.