My H returned from a 4 month training exercise with the military two weeks ago. When he got home he told me that "he loved me but wasn't in love with me" and that I deserved better. He said that he knew that he never gave me what I needed but that he just never had the desire to.

About 10 after being is first told me he wanted a divorce I found an e mail from a friend's Mom wishing him and our mutual friend good luck with their long distance relationship. I confronted him about it but he denies that it was anything more than friendship. However, her and I had been hanging out regularly during the whole time he was gone. It wasn't until I found the e mail that he even admitted talking to her. Yet we've never been jealous of opposite sex friendship before. So, I can't understand what the big deal was. So, I feel like she was playing the fence knowing each one of our deepest thoughts and then putting us against each other.

He refused counseling. Although he did go once to have the counselor "help" me figure things out. I figured any way I could get him there was worth while. But it didn't do any good.

He has already left for Iraq. A trip he knew he would have to go on. So, basically his plan was to come home tell me he wanted a divorce leave me to deal with everything myself and probably expect me to pack up my own stuff and be out of the house by the time he came back. He already emotionally, financially, and now physically left.

We've been together 6 years and married almost 3. We have had our share of ups and downs--but mostly ups. The only glimmer of hope that I have is that he did ask if he could have the His Needs Her Needs book to read. --Hopefully that's to work on our relationship not the one with the other woman.

I don't now what to do at this point? Do I sit tight and ride the storm? I don't believe that he had a sexual affair only emotional, but I don't know if I can wait it out until it comes to an end? The only contact that I will have with him over the next 2.5 months is e mail and letters. So, do I continue to love and support him or do I do as it says in Surviving and Affair and seperate myeself so that he can get a taste of what it's going to be like without me. The problem that I see though is that the other women will most definately be writing and e mailing to try to further secure her situation. She's already been doing that for 4 months. Or do I move on and set up a new life on the other side of the country?

Thank you for your help and suggestions!

Sorry no one's replied yet. Unfortunately, on this forum, many of us, me included, have tried everything to save our marriages and have finally given up. Have you posted on General Questions? You'd probably get more responses there. It's too soon to give up hope of saving your marriage, but you've got a long, hard road ahead of you, no matter how it turns out. Good luck!

Thanks for your input. I'm trying to do plan A but since he wont admit to an A and wont go to counseling I just don't know when to put plan B into action.

I know that I'm a young, smart, attractive women who will meet another man and have a fulfilling life, but I'm just not sure the my H can't be that fulfilling man.

Plan A is not about him. It is about you. Remember the phrase, "Be all that you can be"? It is a time to work on improving yourself. What are your behaviors/attitudes that are causing problems? While he is gone, keep working on them.

Part of me, not the MB part, would want to e-mail that woman back and suggest that her e-mail was inappropriate to send to a married man. But that really isn't a very mb-like thing to do.

Cinderella,

Thank you for your advice. I have already started working on myself. Through reading these books, couseling, and talking with a Pater and friends and family.

I guess that almost makes it harder because now I can see some of my destroctive behavior which I a working on with or without H. Maybe some day he'll see his LB's but I'm sure it'll be too late for us by then.

Dazed and Confused.... If you really dont want your marriage to end and you want to win him back... I would suggest that you work on being a loving wife and try not to love Busters.... Email him being friendly, interested and try to avoid disscussing negative issues or at least try to do it rationaly and calmly - he needs to see you and your marriage in a good light. Good luck