Well, just to let you all know... stupid things occurs regardless. However, I have realized since my divorce that there are big things, and there are small things. And things that would have burned me beyond measure before, simply annoy me and give me something to laugh at now.

This has nothing to do with my ex. It is purely me.

I was shorted a weeks pay last pay period. Usually wouldn't be too big a deal, but I have had to front quite a bit of money getting new licenses and whatnot for my new job. My pay hasn't increased, but my expenditures have. Also, my alimony to my ex increased at the time of our final, so that increased output without increasing input. Anyway, these things conspired to drop my available balance substantially. I got a cash advance on a card to pay my ex. Did the same for some of the licenses. Had -zero- balance for a while, got a bit of money back in.

The shorted check was made up for during the next pay period, however, they put the wrong zip code on the check and it didn't make it to me. I called several times, they said they sent it. Then they said they would cancel the check and send me another. They did that yesterday, the same day my first check finally found its way to me via some circuitous route. But of course it was then cancelled.

I received my second check today. Along with it, I received a new bank card... I didn't look at the number on it, I called, activated it, and cut up my old card.

Take the check to the bank to deposit it, "Incorrect PIN number" x 3. Heh heh heh... frustration sets in... but I am calm. Tell my boys, I am not mad at you guys, but please just stay quiet for a few minutes while I figure this out. They are great. I dial 411, charged a $1, get the bank, get a machine telling me that the 24 hour banking is closed... "Go figure".

Drive home, staying calm... actually proud of myself, because I would have been furious a couple years ago. Not going off at anyone, but really pissed at the bank. Now I am just resigned to the fact that there was an error.

Call the other number, woman says should not have happened, can't figure out what is wrong. PIN shouldn't have changed. "What is the number on the card?" I give it to her, and realize that it is a card for my OLD account, which my name was taken off of over 10 months ago. It was OUR old account. The bank screwed up and sent me a card that wasn't attached to anything.

Well... I asked calmly for another card to be sent post haste. heh heh heh...

Sometimes things conspire to test your mettle...

The last couple weeks have been mine, culminating in today. At least I hope this is the culmination... sheeeeeeessssshhhhhhhh.......

Formerly Confused:

Sounds like you are letting go of the anger or letting "little things" not be a big deal to you. I feel that I am feeling the same way. Although I will be moving out to separate from my wife in a couple of days, I am finding how ridiculous it was that little things, like some dirty dishes in the kitchen do no bother me anymore. I am looking at it more from the perspective, either don't worry about it or take care of it yourself. In other words, I don't even expect my wife to clean up something like this. If it needs to be done, then I just go ahead and take care of it, because I was probably the first one to notice it anyway.

It seems to take away the anger or worry for me (maybe for you too, it sounds like.) It helps me to realize all the time that God wants us to be kind, and that helps (me at least.)

Gregg

I think that I took out my anger that should have been directed at my wife on safer avenues. This being a relatively minor thing overall, would surely have caused me to become angry. And I really think it was because I COULDN'T get angry at my wife. I knew from 14 years of living with her that she would start enough fights without me adding to the pile. I probably initiated about literally 1% of our arguments. I never asked her to do anything around the house. She either did it, or more usually, I or my boys did it.

She is a teacher and had the entire Christmas season off, however, I would be putting up Christmas decorations come February if they were to be put up. She had NO PROBLEM harping on me to do things. I RARELY asked her to do things. And it wasn't because there weren't things or that she did so much. She did work. She did cook. She put in the laundry... I would ask her NOT to dry my clothes since they shrank. That is something I would repeatedly ask her to do. Most of my clothes were bought to replace clothes that had shrunk in the dryer. I ironed all my clothes and most of my boys. Also a large part of hers. I was the tailor of my household, for us all. I was the fixer of everything. She was the cook, laundry loader, and child hauler. She took care of the boys by nature of being in the same house that they were or hauling them to and from school. But that is about where it ended. Little interaction and rarely any teaching... albeit she held herself as a fine example of a teacher.

I never asked her to make sure the house was clean, but she unfailingly told me that I should clean up/vaccuum/dust/etc. I did it without complaint. Even though she felt, come to find out, that I worked too much and was away too much. That fact, and the fact that I 'didn't do enough', never seemed to get together in her brain. I minded when I came home and the house was a mess, the kids goofing off, homework undone, and she was napping on the couch. But I never became angry with her about it.

You know, we do train people how to treat us. I trained her that I would take care of things. I felt consciously that since I was 'dragging' her and my boys to a new town, and that since I wasn't 'making much money' (although I was well above average a couple times over), that I would let stuff slide. But mostly it was because I loved her, and a dirty house just wasn't more important than loving her.

I realize now that I should have spoken to her about it. I didn't and I am sure that it affected us behind the scenes. It wasn't my place to become angry at her about it, but it was completely my responsibility to address our issues in an adult manner. I failed miserably at this, and it cost me my family.

I can see now however, that I feel much better. Things like today just don't get to me. I don't have a baseline brimming over with unspent anger. I hate not having my family together. I hate it with everything that I am and ever will be. However, I want to show my boys a calm, loving, and patient father. I don't want them to learn to deal with things the way that I had learned to deal with them, living with her.

However, now I almost feel an urgency to find a wonderful woman to treat well and be treated well by. I want to have that for me, but even more so, I want to ensure that my boys have a rolemodel in me, and I need to have someone to rolemodel with in order to teach that. I need to have someone to disagree with and solve our problems openly and build our love stronger with each time. I need someone to partner with to show my boys how and who to choose when it is their choice to make a commitment to another. To show them how a good man should treat his love and how that love should treat a good man.

I know... I know... don't rush into things. And I am not. I just feel like I finally learned how to play a game, now I am sitting inside, waiting for the weather to get nice so I can go outside and play. I know that I will be better off with someone that truly fits with me. That is a wonderful part of our relationship rather than just filling a hole. I want a partner in every sense. Someone that loves me as much as I love her, and is willing to hold me to the highest standards. Someone who is NOT willing to just take what I give her, but wants and expects my best. And in return expects the same in my desires of her.

I don't want someone that will say... Oh well... what ever. I want someone who is willing to bend, but for a purpose, even if that is just to allow me some fun or pleasure. And I want to have the same thing in her. I want her to want the 'ugly yellow curtains' so badly, that even though I get sick in the kitchen every time I get a drink, I love her so much that I WANT to help her put them on the rods. I want her to understand my love for horses so much that when I can't get home early, she WANTS to go out and feed them herself, just for me.

That is who I want... I want the best, and I guarantee I will be giving her the best. I feel so full of ability and desire... of love and kindness... of giving and pleasure. I just need a partner to allow me to lavish that on her. And I want her to feel the same about me.

<small>[ June 28, 2003, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Sounds good to me. I do not think that that is that difficult of a thing to ask of someone (or to do for someone). It just takes dedication. Too bad so many people don't make that extra effort, and find and implement the most effective strategies for doing this to be for their spouse. It doesn't seem that hard to me anymore. I just never got off my butt to try to get help in giving my wife what she needs.
Both people have to want it and be willing to look for solutions, not just give up on each other I think.

Gregg

FC, your EX-W sounds like a CLONE to my EX. She rarely worked, but for some reason, not much work got done around the house either. I was Head Launderer, on-call Cook, etc. She was best at her job of telling me what a screw-up I was and that I was selfish for not wanting to spend much time with our kids after working 12 and 15 hours a day 6 & 7 days a week. (I was in the Army at the time).
Whatever. I'm just so glad to be out of that situation now...
The Lord provided me with a wonderful Christian woman who showed me what Marriage was really meant to be!
Have patience my Friend. I'm sure He will do the same for you as well.
And your 'irritation management' was superb! I believe that we sometimes have days like the one you just described to TEST our patience. I can't think of any other good reason for it...
Harold

Hey FC, I'm redubbing this thread: Pet Peeves.

You're freaking me out man! Anyone would have gone postal on the ATM or at the bank rep you talked to!!! LOL. I would have called 911 instead of 411 and said, "Ummm, I'm broke cash-wise and the bank ATM just ate my card. I'm reporting an about to happen ATM vandalism... is there a reward for that?!"

Things like that drive me nuts. I think everyone has these:
- the magic by which I pick the cashier's lane with the person trying to buy lottery tickets with food stamps...
- people that speed up so you can merge BEHIND them in traffic...
- DVD videos that won't let you fast forward the previews...
- tangled wiring.

FC

I feel your pain. Why is it when lately life has needed so much to be uncomplicated that it seems to only more complicate everything.

I dunno.

BTW...If you get the new Harry Potter on audio as we did along with the book, the author uses the term "non plussed" twice. I laughed hysterically and my son just looked at me with confusion.

At least J.K. Rowling knows how to use the word correctly in a sentence..lmaorotf.

Lake Arenal is still quite the active volcano I hear in Costa Rica.

Call me in a bit. I too have been experiencing total and utter confusion. Been using spare time to find homes/townhomes and teaching son soccer. He has a heckuva kick.

At least dealing with x via attorneys sending him emails is good. I am detaching further if that could even possibly happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I just want to know what it feels like to be lavished upon..lol...

Me and the girls here are probably clueless as to what that's like or our memory is so shot from the crap we've lived through that we forgot what it feels like...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lyxa:
<strong>Hey FC, I'm redubbing this thread: Pet Peeves.

Things like that drive me nuts. I think everyone has these:
- the magic by which I pick the cashier's lane with the person trying to buy lottery tickets with food stamps...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't that the truth!! Man I hate peeps who FART AROUND and FART AROUND in lines making everyone else wait and wait and wait and wait - while I watch the line I just jumped out of ring thru about 4 or 5 people as I watch Ms. ClunkyDunk piddle around with a check - a check for crying out loud! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Who writes checks these days??! Then they have to show a drivers licence along with a complete financial history for the past 15 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> After that is done, then the cashier runs the check thru some verifier doo-flingie and then the person half the time will ask: "O can I get some money back too?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> By then I'm ready to scream! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ------------
Guess you can tell I've been there, dun that, got many t-shirts and don't like it!!
Harold
OOOOOOOOHHH! And I almost forgot - the dreaded REFUNDS!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> They suddenly decide they 'don't want this item' so the cashier has to void it out and then usually get a Supervisor to 'OK' it... AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Somebody shoot me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: Mr. Harold ]</small>

Heh heh heh... I see that perhaps a course on patience and self preservation is needed on this board.

I tell you guys... there is nothing like changing your attitude at those little things. You have no control over them, but you do have control over how you react to them. I tend to think, "Wow, does this person ever need to learn about the ease of a check card. Poor dear..." Where as a couple years ago I would have been "Man... can you believe the stupidity of some people. I mean haven't they learned anything about progress. And now I am going to be late. I should have stayed in the other line. And that cashier is too slow. And he forgot to use Clearasil last night. And my air conditioning doesn't work and it is hot. And my dog ran away..." Heh heh heh...

No really, I used to get mad at those sorts of things. Like people sitting in a busy parking lot with their brake lights and reverse lights on, but just sitting there talking on the phone. I would wait, and wait... and build up a whole ton of fury at the 'stupidity and gall' of that person in keeping me waiting. However, I have realized that the person could care less what I think in that situation,and typically, they would never even know I was upset, because I rarely if ever got out and told them. The only person I was helping was the physician who was going to be taking care of my MI or stroke down the road. And since I was that physician for so many... I realized... I really didn't want to be the best at what I do... but then be the patient. I mean, hey, I can't take care of myself as a patient, so I have to take care of myself NOW!!!

Just let it roll you guys... I say let it roll... You will BE AMAZED at how much better you feel when you refuse to let yourself get worked up about traffic, ATMs, grocery lines, the EX...

One of my dad's favorite sayings was "Like water off a duck's back."

Seriously... really try it for ONE WEEK... I CHALLENGE you all to stop yourself in your negative thoughts for one week. When you recognize what you are doing, Just STOP!!! I guarantee you will be amazed at the results. When you get cut off in traffic... just say, "Man, he must really need to get some where." When the lady in the line writes a check say "Wow, this poor lady really needs to learn about a bank card, her life would be so much easier." When the ex goes nuts just say, "Shes nuts." Don't let yourself be drawn into the negative.

Sometimes it feels GOOD to feel bad. We feel at least... but I tell you... if you stop the negative feelings before they get rolling, you will feel so much better.

I know... sounds unrealistic. However, take it from a guy that could have taught you lessons in anger at stupidity... I found out all on my own, because during my divorce I could have gone non-stop anger at the things that were happening.

I had to learn to realize that regardless of whether I was angry or not, nothing was changing except for my blood pressure. What allowed me to realize it was when I started running everything through my 'boys' filter. If it didn't help them, I didn't address it or deal with it. I wanted to yell and scream, but if the result wouldn't benefit them, I just tossed it out. Then when I started feeling so much better, I started realizing that it was because I was dealing with the things that mattered appropriately, and tossing the rest. Changing my way of thinking... it really worked.

Now I tell my boys, "You can have a good attitude or a bad attitude. But we are still doing it this way." So, when that little old lady is a dollar short and needs to put something back, tell yourself, "I can have a good attitude or a bad attitude, but I either pony up the buck, or wait for her to finish."

I tell you, it really does work. I challenge you to do it faithfully for a week. Just a week, and if you don't find that it is beneficial, I guarantee the stupidity of the world will be right there waiting for you to become furiously impotent with it when the week is through.

FC, I hear you. I get more irritated than anything else when I get behind a slowpoke in the grocery line. And I certainly have a lot of patience for elderly and/or disabled folk - I'm disabled myself.
I've also realized years ago that 99.99999 percent of the irritations caused by other folks on the road is simple: they're selfish and think of no one but themselves. Once you get that down, the rest is easy.
Sure, I used a lot of GRRRRRRRs greamlines, but I have had to laugh at so much of the ignorance, stupidity and selfishness of others who are so inconsiderate that you have to laugh at them. Of course, I do put a lot of humour into my posts - I have learned that 'Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine'. I also learned that when it comes to dealing with a spiteful/revengeful/vindictive/bitter EX, that...
"Live Well: It really is the BEST REVENGE"...
Just a few thoughts.
So it's been 5 years since my Divorce - and...
Laughter got me where I is today! I can find something to laugh about in nearly every situation. Not all of them, but most of them anyway. And I can laugh at others without being cruel and ugly to them. I even laugh at myself a lot as well.
Harold

Hey! I got another one! Tonight I was popping off some firecrackers (now dig this, a 46 year old old fart outside acting like a kid again), so anyway, I was lighting one of those M-80s with a cigarette lighter and I made the mistake of holding the fuze too close to my hand. OOPSIE! When it lit, it burnt the crap out of my hand.. Ouch! I went inside to get a pice of ice to cool it off.
O well, tomorrow's another day (to shoot some more fireworks off) heheheeeeee
Harold