How am I?

Well I'm okayish and a little weird. As you know, the kids and I moved into our own new townhouse about three weeks ago. It is a WONDERFUL place, with beautiful plants, trees, and flowers and a swimming pool and clubhouse and guest room...quiet and peaceful and pretty. The townhouse itself is ideal for our family and the longer we are here, the more I like it. However... (you knew that was coming), I HATE moving...HATE IT!!! Did I mention how much I hate it?? HATE IT. I feel like my life is in upheaval and never have the energy to unpack. It took a solid week just to get phone service, and another week to hook up the computers, and another week drag the rest of the stuff out of the old house (you know, the little odds and ends that you miss in the "big" move). OY! I hate it. I STILL feel like my life is in boxes and it never gets done. AARRGGHH.

At the exact same time, I started my new job...a job that I LOVE. Anyway, I work with about 12 guys and you now what? It has been REALLY eye-opening to be with men who are not abusive. I had NO IDEA that there were men in the world who would take their wives' phone calls without yelling at them!! I have had to struggle with expecting to be screamed at because I forgot a phone call, and then hearing, "Oh don't worry. You had so many other phone calls today...how could I expect you to get them all. You're doing a great job...just call tomorrow if you can." It blows me away. One time, I typed a couple contracts for a guy, and he brought me a small bag of M&M's because I was doing such a good job!! WHOA!!

So, from all appearances you would think I'm doing fine, right? Well in most/many ways I am. Yet in my heart of hearts I feel restless and sort of hurt. The other night I was lying in bed trying to think of a pleasant thought to fall asleep to, and since my head usually thinks of hugs and kisses as kind of warm and pleasant, I thought, "Should I think of hugs and kisses with exH? He's the only man I have had feelings for like that, but MAN! Look at what he has put me and the kids through!! He's been rageful, violent, dishonest, selfish, unfaithful...and he just dumped us like we never existed!! How can I think of hugs and kisses with him? I just can't think of anyone else I even have a crush on. AARRGGHH. We lost EVERYTHING because of him, and somehow he's still out of control and rages, and even though we are divorced now, he still blames me! Oh forget it!" This may sound odd, but now that I'm in my own "safe" place, I think I'm beginning to let myself think of what I put to the side while I tried to survive. I am so MAD at him, and he's not even here to be mad AT!! Plus, I'm sick and tired of being hurt and angry--I want to move on now. I want to be recovered NOW! heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Shoot, I'd like to be able to think about dating now, and really, I don't think I'm even close to being ready! I feel like I want to be pretty and loved, but I'm afraid to have someone be attracted to me, and I'm afraid to love or be loved! AARRGGHH!!! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!??

Well, that's how I am! I wouldn't say this was a cave...I'm just GROUSY. Baseball season is over, I'm exhausted, I'm trying to break free of my new exH but my heart isn't quite there yet, and yet it is. Maybe I just need a margarita and a cute guy to have a crush on me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sigh.

CJ

Ditto!

I experience the SAME things..right down to the job and my male co-workers thanking me endlessly and me looking at them like they were nuts! Hah! One of the guys I work directly with constantly asks what "I" want in my coffee! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is a long hard road to recover from. For me it was 20 years of abuse.... "but I never hit you!" And in recovery, I too lay down at night and wonder what it really *would* have been like if he had let go of all the rage, dishonesty, selfishness, unfaithfulness etc. He too just dumped us. What I did discover along this path was I was mourning what I never had! I never had that husband who was faithful. I never had that husband that was respectful, etc. Quite frankly I was trying through my marriage and even after to turn this idiot into a knight in shining armour. He sure did look pretty on the outsite, but the idiot was still inside the armour! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It's a long haul-- but you do heal, in your own time. I found that self-reflection was good. Learning more about what makes you tick rather than trying to figure out what parts of him that didn't make him tick right is what helps you get over those lonely points in your life.

I've got a great idea though to help with the move! Make that pitcher of margarita's, invite a bunch of girlfriends over and have a *decorating* party! My move was the same -- the endless trickling of boxes, but it sure was fun to have my girlfriends over and help me decorate! Hang in there! This is just one of those speed bumps on that road!