I'm male, 26, and have been married for a little over 3 years. My wife developed some problems even before we were married that made intimacy uncomfortable or painful. I didn't understand it, and at the time, I didn't care to. I just wanted things to be "normal". I put pressure and blame on her to get herself "fixed", etc. Well, 5 years or so later, the physical problem is long gone, but we're left with a marriage completely devoid of trust. She doesn't trust me because I never showed her empathy in the past, and just concentrated on my wants and needs. I haven't trusted her because I always felt like she wasn't trying hard enough to correct the problems.

Now, I think it's important to note that we have a very normal looking relationship: no physical abuse, no arguments or disagreements, etc. We get along wonderfully in fact. There's also been no infidelity of any sort. But there's this huge divide between us emotionally.

3 weeks ago she started "withdrawing" from me, and displaying zero affection whatsoever. I'm not the kind of guy to leave a problem that overt just sitting there, so I sat her down to discuss our relationship. We talked over a great deal of things, and I freely acknowledged my role in the current state of our relationship. We went through every topic we could think of, exhaustively. And to be honest, after sitting down and having a no-holds-barred conversation like that, I realized that I do trust her, so long as that free and open communication is there. I can't think of any reason not to trust her.

Right now the ball is in her corner. I love her very much, but she doesn't feel that for me any more. I asked her if she would help me rebuild our relationship, with me now having a full understanding of how my actions in the past brought us to this point. Sadly, there wasn't any enthusiastic "yes!" response or anything of the sort. She just said that she needed some time alone, and that she'd think about it. Now, my wife isn't the type to play mind games, so I have been giving her the space she needs. We slept in separate beds for the first time last night. Not because of any argument or anything like that...just to give her space.

I feel that since we've gone over the problems in our marriage, if she decides that she doesn't want (or have the energy) to fix it, that it's over. I don't want a divorce. I love my wife dearly. But I don't know what else to do: I'm not going to sit around pretending to have a relationship with a woman who no longer wants one.

I'm feeling a huge number of conflicting emotions right now: pain, fear, sadness, anger, and hope. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle all of this?

Confusionman,

Understand where you are coming from...this is a very difficult time, as she has closed her heart to you for the time being.

If I have any advice, it would be to not let this bother you (easier said than done, I know). Do not pursue her, no matter what your mind and heart tells you to do. At this time, the situation is out of your control. Try to do some things apart for a while, however, you can do things for her and should be very considerate of her.

Ultimately, do not be a jerk to her...at the same time (this is most important) do not appear needy. If you appear weak and crushed, it will drive her further away.

One other thing...have there been any male "friends" that have entered the situation lately. This is a possibility at this point in time, as this is usually when the spouse closes off to the other spouse. Only you know your situation, but it is something to consider.

Take care...