And one more thing...now I get to look forward to my wife having sex with other men in the future!...oh, boy! Aren't I glad I worried so much about her past.

.<BR>h <p>[This message has been edited by howard (edited August 13, 2001).]

John,<P>I posted a similar issue here in February. After reading many posts, I decided not to 'punish' my wife and accept that I have insecurities. Easier said than done.<P>My wife and I just attended her 20 year high school class reunion, and her first of many was there. She didn't spend any time talking with him and that was fine with me, and probably because of me. However, all the priors are now again fresh in my memory. I talked with my wife about the high school boyfriend and my feelings and brought up the others that have troubled me. I also directed my wife to my post in February and responses to let her know that I was not all alone out there with how I felt. Needless to say, this brought us back 6 months and my wife was again extremely sorry, apologetic, remorseful, you name it. And she made a statment to me which she made to me 6 months ago and said she wishes her past would remain in her past. She said this as she was crying, with heart felt meaning, as before. So there I was again punishing her! I'm sure over our life time, another one of the guys will pop-up and remembrancing may begin again, but hopefully they will fade faster each time. I will certainly not try and bring it up again.<P> You are not alone by any means. I'm sure your wife doesn't want to dwell on the past as I believe you should not. Yes easier said than done because I'm every bit as insecure as what I believe you are. However, as many other posts have said, you MUST move forward and focus on the present and pray for the future. I don't know how old you are, but I'm 40. I do not want to have these items in my mind when I'm with my loving wife, kids, and grandkids at our 30th wedding anniversary. Do you? You must find a way to disregard, and possibly forget. If you keep dwelling on it, I don't think that either will happen. Best of luck to you. Dan

Gentlemen:<BR>Let me say again that I have struggled with this problem a great deal myself. I know from where you come, but from my experience I can say that it is not worth it!<P>Let's take a hypothetical situation for you, which, by the way, is going to be a reality for me very soon;<P>Let's just say that your wife finally has enough of your bringing up her past and leaves you. Let's say, further, that it is for good. She is gone.<P>After a suitable period of time you start to date again and after a while you find a great woman who is everything that you ever wanted and you decide to marry this woman. Ask yourself this question; Will this hypothetical new woman be affected in even the most minuscule of ways by the sex you had with your first wife? I say that she will not. Her dignity will not be damaged, her relationship with you, sexual and otherwise, will be between you two and you two alone. In this hypothetical situation, your new wife will in no way be affected by your past relationship. If you can tell me how she would have been harmed by your past, I'd like to hear it.<P>Another point is this; maybe you guys are not as upset about your wife's sexual past as you are about your own. I know that that was the case for me. I was just jealous that my wife had had more sex than I when we married. What a waste of time!<P>Now she is leaving, for reasons she claims have nothing to do with this topic. Still, I can see how much of my time and enjoyment of my relationship with her was FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET by these attitudes.<P>I do not mean to sound too harsh, but I just do not want you men to go down the same path I have so painfully trodden. I am at the end of that path and I can tell you that you are no less men for having had sex with only one woman! What a gift to bring to her. Please try to give it to her happily, willingly.<P>Please do not ruin your marriages with this! Your good marriages give the rest of hope that we can have one, too.<P>Thank you for letting me stand up on my soapbox, and don't flame me too badly,<P>vb_guy<BR>

I've been married for a short while, but I'm pretty much over his past. It's not really an issue for us any more. The more openly we can talk about it, and I have found out how he feels and thinks about them, and the more honest we both are, the better it gets for both of us. He's finally been able to forgive himself, and mostly because now that I know everything and still forgive him and love him, he knows he is forgive-able. <P>The only thing that could have solved this problem for us was to talk about it, openly, honestly, non-judgementally. Letting it fester in my mind, even if I chose not to dwell on it, would leave me still wondering 40 years from now. I am glad that will not happen. I made no progress thinking about it by myself. It really got slightly worse than better when I tried hard not to think about it. As soon as we began to talk, it started to get better. The more we've talked, the better it's gotten. Of course, if we did not have a good marriage, maybe it would have been a disaster. But for us, it was the best way. Probably the only way. Good luck, and find peace somewhere.