I am relatively new to all of this but I feel like I have been going through this forever. For those who don’t know my story my STBXW and I have been married for 4 years, together almost 10. I don’t know if I was just blind or what, but I thought we were happy. We enjoyed being together, rarely fought, and were excited about starting a family together. Here’s where it gets really sick. We conceived our first child in June of last year, everything was great. Later that summer she went to the beach with one of her friends and had an AFFAIR! On top of that she contracted an STD! I won’t get into it any deeper but I have been in a perpetual h*ll since that day. I convinced her to stay until our child was born but she left a little over a month ago to be with the OM (our child is now 4 months old).

I guess what I am struggling with most is the hate and contempt that I feel for her. She is the only woman I have ever loved and on top of walking out on me she is forcing me to be a part time father! I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me and I can’t control a thing! On top of all this she is so unbelievably hateful toward me; you would think that I was the one who had the affair.

My question, for those who have been through this is, how long do these feelings last? Has anyone’s X or STBX treated them horribly even though they have done nothing wrong?

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: Broken_Joe ]</small>

This is grief. There are stages to grief.
You seem to still be in the early stages, the Anger/Blame cycle.
I learned that I was in the Denial stage for a very long time. You may have been too.
Obviously something was wrong in your M if your wife went elsewhere.
For now, talk to someone. A counselor, pastor, or advisor to help you through this crisis. Then you can look at your own part in this.
Recovery is a long road, but there are great rewards at the end.

Broken Joe – I can’t answer your question, but I can commiserate with you. Isn’t it stressful when your life does a 180 as the result of someone else’s decisions?

That’s where I am right now…assessing the degree to which my life is changing because of the decision to divorce made by my STBXH (aka fickle-butt.)

Here’s wishing you strong days to deal with your grief.

DBMFS

Fickle: marked by lack of steadfastness, constancy or stability.

You ask how long she will be hateful towards you? I don't think that there is a set time frame. My WS was the same way, threatening to evict me from the house, to take away my truck, to not pay support, blameing me for all his problems, telling me I really screwed him up. And I felt as if I was the one who cheated on him.
One day I sent him all of the pictures of us together over the last 13 years, told him I didn't want to be reminded of how he broke my heart.
After that, he called and said he didn't want to fight with me anymore, that we had a lot of good years together. I don't know if it was the pictures that did the trick, but for him to stop being hateful towards me took 4 months.
I was only hateful towards him for about 1 month, I realized that I had to let go of those feelings and get on with my life.
Harbouring hatred in your heart towards your WS only breeds bitterness. And it ends up ruining your life and future.
I don't know if that helps, you can't make her not act horribly towards you. But you can do something about your reactions, and maybe that will lessen the fuel on her fire.
Good luck Joe, it is going to be hard. I have never been through anything in my life this difficult (it's even harder when you are still in love with them). But I know I will be ok, and so will you. I may never recover, but ok is fine for me now.
harmony

My H still hates me and we've been separated for 18 months. I just wonder who he blames now for his anger.

Please get help to deal with this crisis, you will be a better person for it, and emotionally healthier.

BJ, I'm sorry you're here and that you are the object of her crap. I would say that it depends on the individual person - we're all made differently. I would say for you, however, that all the advice given you so far is excellent. You might want to consider some anti-depressants. Counseling is also strongly advised. You have to DETACH from her - she is NOT the person you married - she's in THE FOG and therefore will act and talk stoopit.
BTW, I divorced 5 years and 1 month ago... the Ex-Wife still hasn't changed. Thank God I moved to Texas and left her up in Alaska - half a continent away ha! She rarely contacts me anymore - one of our children is out on his own now (with the USMC in Baghdad) and the other graduates high school next May...
May the Lord help you thru this. You also have lots of e-friends here on MB to help you as well.
Harold