Help, oh help help. I can barely stand this relationship for another second. My H has the habit of going out, late, after work (he works until 10:30 or 11 @ night). Many times a week.(We have a 9 year old so I'm sitting home those nights). I've asked him to call me before he goes, or when he'll be really late. He never does. EVER. I've pleaded, I've yelled, I've been rational and sane and tried approaching it as a negotiation or a reasonable transaction. He says he hears me, and then goes out, again and again, with no call beforehand, or while he's out. Sometimes he doesn't answer when I call his cellphone (his drinking has been an issue between us and that's what he does when he's out; he doesn't want "to hear me yell" at him.).<P>Friday night he went out; I woke up @ 7a.m. on Saturday morning and he wasn't here. I called his cellphone, twice, and he finally rolled in, said he'd fallen asleep in the car (we live in-city, so it was 2 or 3 blocks away). I tried to tell him, crying, how upsetting and hurtful and just NOT RIGHT it is to not come home to your family at night. He said I was just being jealous, he was out with male friends, if I "had some trust in him" I wouldn't be so upset. Then he went to sleep. He went out on Saturday night, came home Sunday morning at 5:30a.m. Strolled in like nothing was odd about it, waved to me and went to bed. I threw a fit, we yelled and argued for an hour. He said he has nothing to apologize for, he works six days a week and isn't doing anything wrong by going out with friends. <P>I can't STAND this, it's breaking my heart. I don't, in fact, think he's having an affair. But this is so obviously inconsiderate and cruel, especially after I've expressed SO many times, in so many ways and words, that WHAT HE DOES IS HURTING ME, PLEASE STOP IT. I feel like he's actually gone sociopathic - no remorse, no guilt, no interest in how what he does affects me. It's killing me, tearing me up with not knowing what to do - do I leave, end a marriage because he goes out with the boys a couple nights a week? Do I stay, never knowing if he's coming home or not, allowing another adult to treat me with such disregard and contempt? <P>We have our first counseling session tomorrow but I have little hope - if he can't see that when I say "You are hurting me terribly. Please don't do it anymore." I mean it, if he doesn't feel the slightest sympathy or guilt for intentionally causing me pain, then how can a marriage counselor get him to see it? It's so bizarre, and just insane that I can't quite get my head around it. I think that I'm just so SURPRISED that he could be so cold, so viciously disinterested in my needs, that I'm having a hard time doing anything at all. <P>He WANTS to go to counseling, that's the tiniest sliver of hope, but i just can't take this awful pain anymore and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can stand another 24 hours in the same house with someone so dead on the inside.<BR>sorry for going on and on, I just have nowhere to turn right now.<BR>m<BR>

Well you got me crying! I feel your confusing! I been threw it for years to the point where we separed for 6 months. He was out all the time, he only had respected his friends, he seemed to become "single" while he was out, he never cheated nut had all kinds of girls hang on to him. I faughts with him, begged, talked, i cried so many nights praying that he would stop, I've waited many nights on the steps for him to come, but it would ne 5am and he was no where to be found.<BR>We got back togehter, but I question things all the time, the trust is so low that I don't know if it will be the same. Take tonight for example he's out of town for work with some co-workers, and I called him we got into a fight about money and he hung up on me, i called back but there no answer and I know he's at the bar, now I'm scared that he will cheat cause he's mad.<BR>My only sugestion to you is listen to heart, take time to ur self and really think about your happynes, don't repeat my sad story!<BR>Good luck and if you want to chat i'm here!<BR>

thank you for your thoughtful reply. the relationship is really, truly over. we've been together for ten years, have separated FIVE times. yes, he's an alcoholic, has acknowledged that he has a problem and refuses, at this point in his life, to stop, try to stop, or hear any more from me about it. he was vicious and cruel at our counseling session. he's been vicious and cruel for months. he's completely unplugged, and frankly, i am glad to have this 'final word', as it were, from him. i've done my best. the counseling was my last attempt. we're both young, and bright - there WAS a way to fix this, but he will not participate. i can't and won't tolerate his contempt and addiction and disregard anymore. nor does he WANT me to. so, for this marriage, there is no rescue except to end it. and there is a measure of relief in it for me. i can FEEL again, without being blamed for the very fact of having emotions. i'm continuing with the counselor on my own and ending all contact with my H as soon as i'm moved out. i will not be spat on emotionally any longer. i'll heal quickly this time, as will our son; this is nothing new. but it's the last, and a part of me is very, very glad. and a part of me has only pity for my H. again, thank you for responding.<BR>m