Thanks LMX.

Your advice means a lot. I have been praying for you. I wish I could give you advice, but it sounds like prayer is the best thing that I could do for you.

THank you for your advice. I think that maybe I came across as manipulative. Maybe I should have asked if we could turn of the tv for a few minutes instead of waiting until our shows were done, then stoppng her on her way to the shower (although not physically, but when she was all set to get in the shower and make a night of things) to ask her to talk.

I will take your advice. I think I will write in an anniversary card really close to what you have written: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> About asking to move in, I do not think it would pressure her if you said it like, "Honey, you know, I understand your hurt and pain that I have caused you, and I am very sorry. I love you and I do not want to divorce you. In fact, I think it was perhaps a mistake for me to move out. I understand though that maybe it is better for you that I am out of the house, but I would like to ask if I could move back in and work on our marriage. If you do not want me to, I understand and will respect you. But if you are willing, I will do all I can to prove to you how much I love you."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stepping out in faith is so difficult, especially since people living in the world (not the word) at divorcebusting.com have told me to not talk about us, and that this is too intimate and manipulative asking her to pray with me for us. They think it is as intimate even as having asked her to make love. I don't think anyone understands that I said all this yesterday because I felt that it was the right thing to do, and God wanted me to do this.

Anyway I thought I might get her a card, write something in it about loving her and not wanting a divorce and a request to move back in the way that you stated. Also I thought I would get her something nonromantic, but just a gift certificate for something like tanning, or getting her nails done, or something to make her feel good.

What do you think?

I'l respond more later (probably tonight or tomorrow), as time for us to go to to church. My son and I and no idea if my wife will be there or not.

Take care and talk to you shortly,

Gregg

Hi Chris,

I am back to my ol' "LoveMyEx" self! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you and God bless you for your prayers! Yes, prayer is what I need very much right now. I think my situation is far too, hmmm... complicated, for anyone to know how to advise. But prayer is powerful. God hears our prayers.

Well, that is possible that you came across manipulative with your wife. I remember saying things that my husband saw as being manipulative. It's hard. You don't know what to say sometimes! I think part of it comes from guilt on their part.

I think that would be good to write her a card. Keep remembering that you are her husband still... God uses husbands! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, I agree that faith is not easy. And I especially agree with the "air" in here not exactly being conducive to faith! I mean, there are some, but most of it is worldly thinking like "move on" etc.

I do not agree that it is manipulative to pray with her! EVEN IF it is as "intimate" as sex (which I also disagree with... you can pray with strangers, church members, etc... it's not the same as sex!)... but EVEN IF it was... so what. You are her husband right? Right! If you had sex now, with her consent, you are still married and that would be a GOOD thing! In fact, it's not good to not be intimate when you are married.

Please be careful with all advice you receive (mine included... after all I am only a person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... always judge it with the Word of God. I don't believe God would have you abandon your wife. Yes, you should not pressure or press or do things to manipulate if that's what you are doing. But if your motives and heart are pure... if it is something good for your marriage, then it's not manipulation.

For the most part, I have found that most people at this website do not look at marriage/divorce from a Biblical viewpoint (although some do) so you really, really do need to be careful with advice you receive. I think that's why I left the first couple times.

I think the card and gift are VERY good ideas! I think if you didn't get a card/gift, it would not be loving of you. She is your wife, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LOVE HER! I think nails, etc. is a great idea if she likes that. Any woman who likes to have their nails done would love a gift cert. for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How old is your son? You know, for some reason I thought you had no kids. Oh my goodness... simply for the sake of your son, you MUST not divorce!

I do pray that God restores and heals your wife and your marriage! Keep yourself in His will... be in His Word and in prayer and in church, like you are doing. Read those articles and all Scriptures on being a godly man and husband.

I will be praying!
God bless.

Eph. 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

Col. 3:19 "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."

1 Cor. 13: 4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres."

Gal 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, for love covers over a multitude of sins."

Thanks,

I have a son, but he is my wife's stepson.

I talked to a friend of mine at church yesterday. He is a very strong believer. He thought I should take the initiative and ask her once a week to do something (i.e. go out to coffee, etc.) Then just to keep doing this say ona weekly basis, whether she says yes or not, and to to not stop doing this, unless she tells me to stop.

I think I will get her a card, send her a brief email or e card, just stating Happy Anniversary, that I love her and that I hope she is having a good day, no more. I think that I will either just go by and drop the card off at home before she gets home, or maybe just show up with the card.

Actually I think it would be best for me to drop off the card at home, so she is able to see it when she walks in, so as to not pressure her, but so that she knows that I am not acknowleging in any way that our marriage is over, with a simple gift certificate for her. Also, my card will simply be happy anniversary and that I love her. Really brief,so that it is in a kind loving way, not making her feel guilty or sad.

Any thoughts on this?

Thanks,

Gregg

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

Well, I decided to acknowledge our anniversary today by simply sending her an e-card telling her Happy Anniversary, that I love her and that I hoped she was having a good day, period. I also decided to get her a blank card (with nice decorations on it and a gift certificate to a tanning place. I know that fairly recently she liked going tanning. In the card I wrote. Happy Anniversary. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and I care about you deeply. Your loving husband, Gregg. That's it. I did not ask her to do anything, nor have I heard a thing from her about our anniversary. The only contact that I had was to ask her if she wanted to go to a football game this weekend. SHe said she would love to but she is still sick, so did not think that she would be feeling up to it by Saturday. No other talk or email about anything more than that. I am thinking that this was a good way to handle it, because maybe it would be pressuring her or making her sad to ask her to to do something/get together on our anniversary. I figured that by simply acknowledging it with something that would make her fell loved and something that she likes would show her that I truly cared about her without expecting anything in return. I really wanted to just do something nice for her. I felt that this might be best; that way I can back off a bit and give her some space, while still acknowledging our marriage and that I do not expect it to end.

I am interested if she decides to acknowledge it, and I will try not to feel depressed if she doesn't. Up to now, I haven't felt at all sad today. Although now it is beginning to get to me a little, especially since I am about to sit down and have dinner by myself. Please pray for me if you get a chance to not pity myself or feel bad for myself, as I am sure that this is not what our Lord would have me do.

Anyway, that's the latest.

Oh, by the way: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you get those books you ordered yet? I hope they will help some.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I did, I am most of the way through "Winning Your Wife Back Before it's too Late", but have not read the little one yet. Thanks so much for recommending them. So far they are really good, and mostly good to reinforce the things that I thought I was doing wrong all along.

Gregg

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

Hi Greg,

That is great that you have that male friend from church who gave you some very good advice, in my opinion. I think everything you've done is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Gift cert... good. What you said in the card... good. You have expressed love, reinforced that you are her husband, but yet, like you said, not pressured her or said too much to where she'd feel manipulated. I think you used much wisdom and discernment.

I have been praying and will pray especially for you not to feel self-pity or downcast. Boy, do I know what those two things feel like! I have struggled alot with those feelings.

When you feel lonely and downcast, cry out to the Lord. I have gone through boxes and boxes of Kleenex simply crying my eyes out. It's not very fun, but it's better to do it alone with God then to my husband.

Someday, I pray with all my heart, that you and I will be able to shed tears in our spouse's presence and have our spouse hold us and love us as a spouse. Someday I pray that we will be able to spend our lives with them as God intended and not struggle with the loneliness, the sorrow, the fears, and all the emotions of being rejected and everything else that goes with separation and divorce. For now, we must allow the Lord to work in us, even if it means we are going to struggle and hurt.

"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him." Job 13:15

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He hears every cry and every prayer. He IS working, even when we can't physically see it. He is not silent. You and I must walk in obedience to His Word in all things and in all ways. When we fail, confess and repent and accept God's forgiveness. And keep pressing on.

May He do a good work in us and through us in all of this. May He restore our marriages and create in us new hearts that obey Him at all cost. May He give us new marriages that glorify Him. May our spouses' hearts be softened by the love we show towards them.

This is my prayer and hope.

Be strong in the Lord, Greg. He is always with you. Don't cherish any sin in your heart but confess any and all sin to Him so that He will be near you. Seek help from other godly men and your church. Especially ask them to pray for you. I know that it has been the prayers of others that has gotten me through some days.

I am really glad that book is helping you. I think you will really learn alot from the other one too.

I was wondering too about your wife's son? Was she married before? If so, how long and why did it end?

God bless you and I am praying.

Thanks for all of your prayers and advice.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was wondering too about your wife's son? Was she married before? If so, how long and why did it end?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myexwife has been married twice, once to me and once to someone else after me. (She was married to this other guy for about 5 years, and they got divorced about two years ago.) Neither she nor I have any other children except for our 1 12 year old son from our previous marriage.

My current wife was married to one other person before me (for quite a while, maybe about 12 years), but they never had any children. Also, they got divorced probably about 8-9 years ago.

Hope this helps answer this question (probably more thoroughly that you needed even.)

Gregg

Greg: I hurt with you and am praying for you. Jesus will show you the way.

LoveMyEx: Thank you so much for expressing the feelings that I'm going through now. I was served divorce papers this week. My W abandoned our M 5 months ago. I didn't know where she was until 1 week ago. I am staying busy with church work and the Promise Keepers conference is in my area next weekend. My hardest thing is staying in a big, cold house and sleeping in a bed without my W of 23 years. I can't describe the loneliness but you have very beautifully. I intend to fight for my M with everything I have and the Lord's help. Thanks again for the encouragement.

Thanks for the prayers, HPK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are definitely in my prayers as well

Gregg

Hi Chris,
For some reason I thought it was your wive's son. But he is your son... from previous marriage? Right? I have been posting here way too much lately! I am getting things mixed up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When you said, "my exwife," you are talking about one before the current one from whom you are separated, correct? I am wondering if it was hard for your current wife with your son? Do you have custody or does your ex-wife? I know that it is very difficult for people to have stepchildren. Not impossible, but usually difficult for various reasons. Something usually needing a good counselor to help with. Did that contribute any way to problems in your current marriage?

Why did you and 1st wife divorce?

As for both yours and current wive's former marriages... do you think that whatever contributed to a bad marriage then was not dealt with and has contributed to your marriage now? You and current wife have been married 6 yrs.? right? I hope I got that right! Forgive me if no! I think this computer is killing my brain cells. haha. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So, there was only about 2 yrs between that marriage and your marriage. Do you think she dealt with stuff... both her feelings re: her divorce as well as the things she did that were problems in her marriage. And the same with you?

Maybe this is something to pray about. Many second and subsequent marriages fail for this reason... the things that were "wrong" in 1st marriages don't get "fixed" and affect 2nd and other marriages. It sounds as if maybe this happened with your ex-wife.

These were my thoughts when I asked that actually. I wondered if maybe there was a previous marriage. Somehow, your wife's feelings of... well, her thoughts that she needs to take care of self, her depression, her withdrawal, her belief that "nothing ever gets better or changes" in your marriage... it made me wonder if there was a previous marriage and if perhaps, this was a way that problems were handled then?

Every marriage has conflict and many couples chose divorce rather than solve and work through the conflict.

Whenever a person "gives up" hope, it is because they see it as "impossible" and too hard... but in Christ, it is never impossible or too hard. Unfortunately, satan lies to us and tells us otherwise. I see your wife taking a sort of passive action in her life... being sick, being depressed, giving up on things (house, dogs, marriage, family), etc. Kind of like she just does not believe that anything is good or will change and as if she cannot do anything about it, and this is something I think Satan has deceived her with and really has a stronghold on her in this way. And I am wondering if it was a similar thing in her first marriage.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but maybe something to pray about?

Hi Promised Keeper,

I like your name. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think it says alot about you (for those of us who know what a "Promise Keeper" is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I am sorry for your wife's abandonment of you. Satan has decieved her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Yes, the loneliness is awful. God didn't intend for marriages to end and for spouses to be separated. It is not His plan and everything in your spirit and heart is going to feel grieved and sorrowful and disturbed about it for that very reason.

You said, "I intend to fight for my M with everything I have and the Lord's help."

May God bless your fight! You have most likely a "bloody" battle before you in which you might suffer and end up with many scars and wounds... BUT... it will be worth it! Ask any soldier defending his country that he loves. He is willing to risk everything in order to defend his beloved homeland. He is committed to fighting for her. He does not take a passive stand against the enemy but takes up his weapons and even if the war is long and bloody, he fights with all he has. You are very much like that soldier in a battle fighting an enemy. But your enemy, not your wife, is Satan and your war is a spiritual, unseen one. It is a battle for your wife and your marriage and you. Through divorce, Satan can destroy many, many lives and also the testimony of the Lord. You will need to fight with the "armor of God"... your weapons will be prayer, the Bible, faith, righteousness. You will have to overcome evil with good and fight in ways that the world will see as "foolish."

My prayers are with you. God will bless you for fighting for your marriage.
***edit*****.

Hi LoveMyEx:

I'm actually Gregg (not Chris)

Correct. My son is from a previous marriage, not current one.

By ex-wife, yes, I am talking about one before the current one from whom I am separated. Yes, it has been hard for my current wife with my son. I have not done a good job of putting her first and protecting her from problems that she has had to deal with, simply from being a step mom. I have confessed this to her to and asked for her forgiveness for failing her in this area. We have joint custody, but he lives primarily with her. He lives with me alternate weekends, and during half of holidays. Also, I see him almost every day after school, until his mother (my ex-wife) picks him up after she gets off of work. Also, yes, this whole situation did contribute to problems in my current marriage, probably one of the bigger problems (as well as stresses for my wife)

My first wife and I divorced because as she said, she "made a mistake" and she was not in love with me. She said she married me because she was looking for someone to take care of her and rescue her from a lot of her problems. Prior to her moving out, she was gone a lot, and then confessed in counseling to cheating on me many times. I just accepted her decision, thinking there was nothing that I could do. Now I realize that I should have not given up. I don't feel this way now, but I was not really a Christian back then, and didn't even think of leaving this up to God and loving her back.

Yes, I do think that the same kinds of problems are still there in my current marriage (but I don't know about my ex-wife’s subsequent failed marriage), and yes we never probably dealt with the previous problems in our former marriages. Yes, I think that probably this happened with my ex-wife. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see your wife taking a sort of passive action in her life... being sick, being depressed, giving up on things (house, dogs, marriage, family), etc. Kind of like she just does not believe that anything is good or will change and as if she cannot do anything about it, and this is something I think Satan has deceived her with and really has a stronghold on her in this way. And I am wondering if it was a similar thing in her first marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, she probably is feeling exactly this. I think that her former husband came to her and finally admitted to failing her in the past, and I think that it was too late (I guess in her mind), so it ended this way. I don't think that he ever tried to love her back, nor do I think that she ever tried again after he confessed this to her. (I don't know how he confessed all this, or if he offered to go to the Lord about all of this. I only know that my wife told me that he admitted that he had failed her, and I think that he was willing to do things differently, but not sure.)

Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Gregg

<small>[ September 13, 2003, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

Hi HPK and LoveMyEx:

I found the links to these two books and posted them on HPK's Unusual marriage situation thread. It seems to make more sense to post there.

Gregg

<small>[ September 13, 2003, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

Hi Gregg,
Why I called you "Chris" I have no idea. Sorry! I have been on here too much lately!

Well, there has been alot of pain, etc. in both your pasts. Alot of things undealt with. But, it sounds as if now God has really got your attention and you are choosing to do things His way and not as in the past. You have recognized and confessed areas of sin or failing, and you are working on dealing with them. You are remaining faithful to your wife and loving her despite her actions/words. God will bless and honor all of this.

About your son.... I suspected it was probably hard for her because I have read that the hardest marriages are ones in which there are children from previous marriages. And I know from experience because my husband was a widower with two children (they called me "mom.") This was my first marriage and I have no children, so it all was very new and a HUGE change for me. I loved them, but because it was stressful, he felt that I really didn't love them, etc. When someone has been a parent, it's very hard to understand the feelings of the other spouse who has never been a parent and suddenly has a grown child that is not their own flesh and blood. So, I wondered about your wife dealing with that.

Well, all these things are not impossible to overcome, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Right! With prayer and God's counsel given in His Word and through other godly men and women, these things (past marriages, undealt with problems, stepchildren, etc) can be overcome and risen above.

I will keep you in my prayers.

<small>[ September 13, 2003, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Here’s the latest:

My wife did acknowledge and thank me for my anniversary card and the gift that I gave her for our anniversary. She left me a phone message at work yesterday thanking me. She said that she was sorry for not doing anything for me, but it just didn't seem appropriate to her.

I think that I already told you that I had asked her if she wanted to go to a college football game (Oregon State vs. New Mexico State) a couple of days ago, and that she would like to go, but didn't know if she would be feeling well enough to go, as she is still sick (depression is what I think is causing this long sickness)

I then called her at about 10:30 this morning. (There was no answer, so I left her a message on the answering machine.) I asked her (in my message) if she still wanted to go if my dad still hadn't given the tickets to someone else. (I asked again, because she told me in an email yesterday to either decide if I should wait for her to feel better, or else find someone else to go, "whatever I thought was best".) Otherwise, I said in my message, how about going for a drive together She called me back and said that she got my message, that she had just gotten up, and that she would let me know if she was feeling up to anything after having breakfast and a shower.

Anyway finally she said she was up to going to the game. We went to the game (about an hour drive from here.) We had a really good time, did a lot of talking (she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening.) Mostly it was good, but the game ended on somewhat of a sour note. We were sitting in the front row in the end zone, and there was a fairly big area between the front row and the fence keeping people from the field. There were a lot of children that were down there all lined up along the fence watching the game. We asked a few times for the kids to sit down and/or move because we couldn't see over them. Then we decided that we would just stand up, because there was no other way that we could see, finally a couple of people behind us asked us to sit down, because they couldn't see. My wife responded, sorry, but we can't see either. One man said, I don't care just sit down so we can see, or move up to some of the seats up higher. (These were specific reserved seats that we paid to sit in.)

So I just said to my wife that we should ignore them, because it was not like we were trying to be rude unkind, but we have the right to be able to see the game too, Then we heard the people continue to make comments about not being able to see. This time we both said that we couldn't see either. He said I don't care, tell the kids to sit down (keep in mind there were dozens of kids lining the fence.) We said, why don't you just stand up. He said, I don't want to and I shouldn't have to. So we continued to stand, only because we could not see. Then the man actually came down and stood in front of me actually pushing backward into me, and said, there how's that. How can you see now? My wife responded that he was a very rude unhappy man. Then he went back to his seat, and we decided that we would try to sit somewhere else (I didn't even know there were other seats to sit in.)

This upset my wife for a long time. Fortunately, this occurred near the end of the game. She was quite upset for a lot of the walk back to the car and some of the trip home. I patiently listened to her and told her that I was sorry that this upset her so much. She said that I probably thought she was weird for overreacting. I said, no I just feel bad that you are so upset by this, because you don't deserve to have to feel bad over this. She said, you used to think that I was just weird. I didn't respond to this, even though I felt like saying that that was the way I used to be.

Anyway we got back about 9:15, and we both told each other that we had a really good time, except for the rude man at the game. We gave each other a really long hug while I told her that I was sorry she was so upset about this incident. Then we said goodbye and that she would probably see me in church tomorrow.

Anyway, I guess that this was a good day for the most part, except for the incident at the game. I guess also that it is a good sign that she is still willing to do something with me. I feel like I should ask her roughly once a week to do something together. In doing so, I feel that I need to have a definite plan for something to do when I invite her to do something. Then if she says yes or no, continue this same 1 time per week plan on a weekly basis unless she outright tells me to stop calling her. If things go well, then maybe she will begin enjoying our time together, especially if I do not bring up our relationship together in any way (not even in prayer.)

Regardless, I feel like this will show her that I am interested in being with her, in a way that actively shows my interest in being with her, but respecting her saying no, and not pressuring her. I feel that this is how I can reach out to her in kind and interested way, that makes her feel important and that I care about her and that I want her to be an important part of my life. Maybe this could be the start of a brand new relationship?

What do you think about all of this?

Gregg

I do still think that my wife is depressed, because of how she has been sick and really tired for so long. I know she has been seeing a counselor for a while and has been on antidepressants for a while too (a couple of years now) I don't know what I could say to her about this. I am doubtful that it would be a good idea to even mention to her about thinking that she is depressed, even if I tell her that I am bringing it up because I care and am worried about her.

She was in church today, and I sat next to her. Our interactions were pretty positive today. We talked a bit (light and jokingly) during any opportunities we had during the service. She even managed to reach over and put her hand on my knee, during one of the prayers the was being said by the pastor to the congregation. I responded by holding her hand while it was on my knee. Baby step??

At the end, I offered to make her breakfast. She responded by saying, "I think I just need to be alone today." I said, that's fine, I just thought I would offer. (She had said yesterday, that is difficult having to frequently have to talk to the neighbors everytime she just ventures outside to get the paper , check the mail, etc. So it is understandable that she would still feel that way today.) I think this is probably symptomatic of being depressed.

Anyway, that is the latest. I think that in a few days, I will ask her to do something together, movie, or something light, where we can just spend time together. Maybe try not to push it more than asking her to do something once a week for now.

Gregg

Hi Greg,
How are you? I'm sorry I haven't posted to your last posts sooner. I think you are really applying things you've learned... about loving her. And she is noticing. Like when she said how you used to say she was "wierd" for reacting like she did, but you responded differently this time. That is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So, anything new or different since the game? I was sooooo glad to see that she went with you!! And that she is still hugging you. Keep pressing on and loving her like you are. I pray that God is giving you wisdom to know how to "win" her back.

LovemyEx

gregg,
i once had the same feelings about my marriage. i told my husband almost the exact things. we never made it to counseling. i was just hurt, never thought it could be different. i walked away. he was so hurt. he stopped talking to me. i realized after a few months that i had made the biggest mistake of my life. give her some time she may come around. just dont have an affair. that makes it harder to fix things after. i am still trying to figure out how to make things better.

Thanks, missmyhoney
Well,

I am a little disappointed today. I last saw my wife when we attended a football game on Wednesday, then I saw her in church the next day (Sunday). She told me she felt like being alone on Sunday after church when I asked her if I could make her breakfast/brunch after church.

I then tried to give her some space, so I did not contact her until Tuesday when I emailed her to ask if she wanted to go to a movie or have dinner together this Thursday. She just responded in an email to say she would have to take a rain check, because she still wasn't feeling well, and also she had a lot of cleaning up to do at home.

Well, I'm just a little disappointed, but I guess I will just wait until after the weekend, than maybe ask her to do something later in the week next week.

I think I need to work on how to listen to what the Lord is telling me instead of always only concentrating ONLY on praying.

Any comments?

LoveMyEx and missmyhoney(I hope you are both still out there):

I just had some thoughts to share. I just posted on your thread, missmyhoney.

Also, LoveMyEx: I was reading your response on psylocke's thread. You had said something about encouraging a separation in this case. Do you think my case is different than psylock's in that a separation is NOT doing us any good? You had also said something I thought was good, and wonder if there will be a time when I will have to say the same thing: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are my wife. I made a commitment and vow to love you forever... better or WORSE, sickness and health... 'til DEATH do us part. I intend on keeping those vows, but I do not want to force you to stay if you do not want to stay. I did not force you to marry me and I cannot force you to stay married to me. God is helping me to face myself and my sins and with his help, I will grow and be less controlling and one way I can do that, is by letting you go. I love you, I want our marriage to last, I want you to be happy, and I also want you to be free. I cannot keep you or make you stay against your will. I cannot control you and I am realizing that. While I love you and will remain faithful to you, you are telling me that you do not love me and do not intend on being faithful to me; so I think it is best if I leave (or she leaves) for awhile so that you can sort things out in your life and I can sort things out in mine. I think it would be best for us to be apart right now until you decide what you want. I plan on using any time apart to work on myself and to grow and change things I need to change.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very good. I will have to remember this, in case I ever end up there.
Here's the link to this thread in case you don't remember: What to do when you don't know what to do?

Gregg

<small>[ September 20, 2003, 12:53 AM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

Hi Gregg,

I went and read what I wrote to pslocke about separation. I think why I felt that might be wise in his situation is because his wife is open to other men and it sounds like she has had an affair (or more?). She also sounded very hardened towards him. Your wife, though, does not sound to me, to be hardened. Depressed, giving up, passive... but not hard and mean and angry... To be hard/mean/angry is very typical when someone has really closed their heart and often, when they have decided to pursue sin (esp. adultery). I truly don't get that impression with your wife.

I can't tell you for sure whether your separation is doing good or not, but I probably would think that it's not. In some ways, I see your wife as "giving up" and maybe that you have gone along with that, afraid to upset her, rather than fighting for her, which is maybe what she wants. To see you "fight" for her. But, I cannot say for sure since I don't know the two of you. That is only the impression I've gotten. I see her as really needing you, but pushing you away thinking that it's what's best, but it's not best.

Yes, I think it's really important that you "let go" but in a manner in which it is only because if you "hold on," you embitter her. I don't yet see your wife at that point and hope she doesn't get there. But, like for instance, my husband has been at that point for awhile. I recently made some contact with him and was very kind, etc... but he was VERY adamant about "leave me alone!" etc.

When someone reaches that place, then you have to "back off". But giving someone that type of "space," can be good. It's hard for the one letting go, but when you "let go" you are still trusting God and believing that He can still restore.

It's hard. You don't want to let go to where you're saying, "I can't stand you" or you are getting back at them, etc. It's done in love. Like the Prodigal Father in the Bible who let his son go. He was kind, loving, but still let go. And the son did eventually return to him.

I hope that helps some! Believe me, it is never easy to know exactly what to do and what is best. That's why it's so important to ask the Lord for wisdom and to seek Him for it. Every person and situation is different. But there are some principals you can apply that are fairly the same with everyone...

God bless.