<B>Just writing this letter to spouse to make me feel better. I have no intention of sending it though I'm very close to D.</B><BR><spouse><BR>I have seen the results of a father not being in his daughter’s life for dozens of years. I have cried with a girl who has never fully recovered from the crippling wounds of feeling worthless because of divorce. And I have first hand seen the product of childhood abuse 30 years later. Unfortunately, you don’t have to look that far to find that person. <P>I deeply feel sorry for you for never fully dealing with the physical abuse you suffered early in your life. You obviously need help but are either too stubborn to seek it or you do not want to face the pain that goes along with childhood abuse counseling during your adult life. And I think your unwillingness to deal with the demons of your past creates new demons in the present.<P>Because you have lacked the desire of serious abuse related counseling, it is having a ripple effect in your life. It permeates your intimate relations such as our marriage, it creeps into your personal relationships with friends, and now it has touched your children. Frankly, I think your transferring your past abuse onto our children in the form of emotional abuse which will undoubtedly have long-term effects on their lives. And that’s a shame. <P>It is not right. Our children do not deserve this and I am saddened that a sickness clouds your judgment and perception of reality and truth. I know all the alleged accusations you’ve made about our children being sexually abused are untrue. I say “all” because you’ve accused many of molesting our children. Don’t get me wrong, with the exception of you destroying our children’s mental health with stories and fears of abuse being perpetrated on them, I think you are good mother. I know you love your children and you want the best for them but you fail to see your negative contribution to their long-term mental health. I am not being naïve about the capacity of people who molest, but I have seen the evolution of your behavior from the first piece of information drawn to it’s conclusion.<P>I still think you’re a great woman <spouse>and I will stand by you I think your mother is evil for her role yet continued denial of your physical abuse. And I cannot and will not let you step into your mother's shoes for your own sake. Can you see the similarity between you and your mother? You’re living out the scenes of your own past and I don’t have to remind you that one more marriage matches your mother. Is this a coincidence? No, you’ve had a poor role model. Contrary to what you may think, it’s not because you make poor relationship choices either. It’s because you don’t work on your contributing issues and you quit when things get rough. And I don’t blame you, life is hard.<P>I just want you to be aware <spouse>, someday our children will find out the truth. It will not be because someone told them…but they will just know based on their experience in dealing with both you, me, and the others around us. They will develop feelings similar to your feelings about your mother’s statements “ExH held a gun to her head” and the host of other fictional stories. They may not understand it for a while…but kids just know the truth despite what they’ve been told. I have heard it time and again and you have proven it in your own life. Just like your mother, you will not be that exception either. And when that day comes I will feel terrible for you.<P>I know I’ve done things that have breach your trust in me. I’m sorry and will regret it for the rest of my life. I also know you’ll never be able to understand this but I too have lost my trust in you. I too suffer with feelings of distrust that I may never regain. I know that you are “trustworthy” <spouse>, but you yourself have made some very poor and false judgments about me. Is it betrayal if you think you’re protecting your children from whom they need no protection? Do you betray that person? I don’t know…but I do feel betrayed by your false conclusions.<P>I do not hate you and I am sorry I contributed to your pain. I wish I could have helped you but realize that only you can help you. I wish you the best and I beg you to seek help.<P><other spouse><p>[This message has been edited by po (edited June 12, 2001).]

Dear po,<P>I am both touched and saddened by your letter. Unfortunately, many of the truths you have pointed out about your spouse are true of my spouse too. It was only after nearly 26 years of marriage that I finally realized that my wife was an abuser. Because of unresolved abuse she suffered as a child and young adult, she has robbed me of a relationship with her and my two teenage daughters. I could almost take your letter, insert my W's name and send it to her. Please know that you're not in this alone.<P>I read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans which gave me much insight on this problem. It made me feel on one hand hopeless, and on another hand at least understanding about what's going on.<P>Actually, handing your W this letter sounds like a good idea to me. My predication is that the abuse will get much, much worse because of it. However, (as stated by Evans) your goal is to point out ever instance of abuse to the abuser. This is their hope for coming to grips with the problem and dealing with it.<P>Best wishes and again know that you are not alone.<P>Regards,<BR>Gogie

Thanks Gogie for the response.<P>I'm in the toilet right now, I know my kids will suffer and there is little I can do. To any outsider, W is a million bucks. She tells a good story, even if it's not true, it's believeable and convincing.<P>I would like to hand her the letter. For legal reasons I probably won't plus I'm sure it only prove to polarize her from me and right now the more involved I remain the better for my kids.<P>One question. Do your kids "know" as I suggested in the letter?<p>[This message has been edited by po (edited June 13, 2001).]

po,<BR>Yes, I believe the kids do "know". The sad thing in my situation is that they have taken on their mother's abusive behavior and inflicted it on her, me, and each other. This has manifested itself in not only verbal abuse but violence. The other sad thing is that through lies and deceit, my W has turned the kids against me. Neither one will even ride in the car with me, much less spend any quality time. Virtually my only time with them is helping with homework--an area that my W is not very good at.<P>The reason I feel that deep down the kids know is that they see such a difference between the way I treat them and the way my W treats them. Her way is controlling, abusive. My way is respectful, adult-like.<P>What you're saying about your W appearing like a million bucks is true in my situation. All of the abuse, lying, deceit takes place behind closed doors. To the outside world, she's the best wife and mother--a real fine lady.<P>It seems like a victim of abuse is always "in the toilet". It never seems to go away or let up. To me, the only real choices are to confront it constantly (and suffer even more abuse) or to get away. Currently, I'm working on the former.<P>Regards,<BR>Gogie