I have been home since last Friday due to surgey in right elbow. First few days were just dealing with the pain and learning to do things with left hand. I feel fine physicaly but emotional I feel like I am where I was 3 months ago.

All I do is cry and ask why, I know this is unproductive but I feel the devil is winning. I can't do much so idle mind is the devils workshop.

Stbxh has been very nice but the bottom line is that if he just had an A I might be able to go toward working on us but he has an oc and had a secret life for 3 years and he loves this child. I can't do anything about it.

When push came to shove I got shoved out and the oc stays. Some might say well he does have responsibilities for this child and he is a good man for not turning his back on her but when he didn't turn his back on her he did to me. HOW do I become okay with that?

I lose my life and my marriage and I have people say well he is a good man for being a good father to oc. I can't seem to except that and it is pulling be down. Way down!!

This is such a hard thing to deal with and some day I just would like to call it quits and say you have the house and everything I don't care.

Why does he get blessed with a child? He has another family to keep him busy and not dwell on us. I have nothing!!

I am really bad these last few days and I hope it passes. I just cry all the time I'm sick of myself. It has to stop but how?

The pain is just awfull! Stbx called to see how I was, of course I LBed him and he just said I don't want to listen to this and hung up. I probaly deserved it but I just can't seem to move on. I am so hurt!!

I loved him with all my heart and he did this to me (us) He seems to be moving on and says he is hurting but doesn't show it. Which is him anyway but I'm scared to be alone. I don't know how to be alone.

I'm in a bad way and cry as I type this does it get better, I just don't want to care any more. I even wished him dead and the oc I can't even type what I have thought. WHAT IS WRONG with ME!!!

{{{{{{{{ LJ }}}}}}}}

I am sooo sorry about your surgery and the emotions you are dealing with. I assume you've been posting on the "pregnancy/child" forum for support...do you have any friends or family nearby? Are you seeing a counselor? A doctor could maybe prescribe something you're comfortable with to help you through this difficult period. I know all these are the "standard formula" for going through what we're experiencing but they could really help you cope. These emotions are so very difficult!

There is NOTHING wrong with you, and whenever that thought comes you need to banish it and pick up a better, more positive thought. I ended up writing Bible verses and positive sayings on little pieces of paper and putting them in various rooms in my house. So no matter where I was, I would have something to counteract the negative feelings and emotions.

I know this is just a little short note. I wanted you to know that people here care, but Marriage Builders support is only a small part of the puzzle that it takes to put our lives back together.

LJ1122,

I agree with Avondale, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! other than that you are a loving, caring, committed human being, who took her vows to her husband seriously. How can you NOT care and hurt after this level of deception and betrayal??? It's the worst kind of betrayal, I believe, we can experience as human beings. What you are feeling is PERFECTLY NORMAL and understandable.

What has carried me through my situation has been prayer, prayer, and more prayer. And surronding myself with loving Christian friends. And family. And journalling. And prayer. And good books. THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE! A dear friend of mine keeps reminding and encouraging me with those words everytime I enter back into that nasty 'dark space.'

There are so many wonderful books out there that can encourage you to focus on God, which is the only true life-line when you are in such despair. I'm going to suggest one that I found incredibly uplifting: The Sacred Romance, co-written by J.Eldridge and B.Curtis. If you can, give it a chance. It's all about our love relationship with God, and how vital that is.

I wish you well, and will keep you in my prayers. I don't know your story, as I'm not in this site that much anymore, but I'm a little over one and a half years apart from my XH, and life DOES GET BETTER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Please do all you can not to stay stuck in that pit of gloom! As the Bible says, there is a time for everything, but make sure you don't get stuck. Your life is too precious to be wasted on anger and bitterness. God has a wonderful life planned for all of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear lj1122,

I don't have very many words of advice...but I do know your pain.

I had surgery last summer right after our divorce was final....it did send me into a downward spiral for awhile.

You know it is ok to feel these feelings...and they do tend to overwhelme you at times. I think it is normal.

You are still feeling and reeling from the loss and betrayal of you relationship...and then to have to deal with an OC.....I think you are doing well. It is tough....

You will get better and stronger. I think the hurt remains apart of us. Somehow we need to get through this betrayal and enjoy life again...

I just got home from my Aunt's funeral....and it really hit me how fast life flies by. We can't change what happened...but we can work for a better future...with or without our spouses.

Take care of yourself...and try to ride through the emotions. Somedays I still spend the day crying--and other days I do pretty well. Hang in there. Pat

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some might say well he does have responsibilities for this child and he is a good man for not turning his back on her but when he didn't turn his back on her he did to me. HOW do I become okay with that?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His responsiility was to "YOU" above all.
but he sinned and he is trying to redeem himself in everyones eyes..but yours.

You are a good woman, he just did not appreciate what he had. Someday he is going to realize what he has done.
I imagine he probably has already, I betcha
he thinks about you alot and knows the damage he has done.

I guess sometimes we get shoved aside because of their selfishness..they seem to think we need to just step aside gracefully, like it doesn't mean a thing, because in their mind they already had left otherwise how could such a thing happen.

I think it is very unfair what happened to you.
but that is not going to change it.. I guess that
you need to feel your emotions..go through them.
he is lucky he can still walk..and you didn't cause him great affliction..to his lower anatomy..

I don't know what I would do in that situation.
but I do know, I do not think much of him nor the women who would allow this affair.
She stole your husband..

Please keep hanging on and trust God, cry it out.
I know the wailing crying and I thought I must of gone over the edge..cause this was coming out of me..but it had to come out..and you will keep your sanity..

It is a bad thing that happened..but..he did it to you...know that God takes all your tears and puts them in a bottle..in your case and mine..it is a jug..lol..
He will set it aside as a memorial to this part of your life..soon you will get past the hurt and the pain..for now you go through it..pray and don't give satan the time of day....tell him to get behind you..and press on..love you sweetie..and Gods blessings on you..take care..it will get better..try not to have alot of contact with him and it will make it easier..my e-mail so you can keep in touch..if you need support..I am here..
earthangel@telcomplus.net

Thank you all for responding to my post.

I need to not think so much about stbxh and his oc. The pain is so unbearable at times I just don't know how to release it. I am so angry!!!

Stbxh called last night because a friend of ours died and he went to the wake. I didn't go because I just couldn't handle more sadness and stbx said it was pretty bad.

We talked and I started asking question about his oc and what his plans were and he said he doesn't have any. The ow he said is very selfish and doesn't really take care of his daughter the way he thinks she should. Ex: sit her in front of t.v. all day. She is 2 years 4 months and doesn't talk and they thought she might be autistic (sp?) but still trying to work on the problem. Put tubes in her ears and she is seen by a therapist 2 or 3 times a week. She can say words but not a full sentence.

I asked what input he has in the decisions and he said none. All I could think is why would you give up everything for something you have no control over. He said that he has to be with his oc because he feels that he is her only hope. Whatever!!!

He has no idea what his life has in store for him, it could work out but it's not start out to well. I asked why does he have morals now and not when he had his A. I got no answer.

He would love for me to meet her and be in her life. I laugh to myself because she is only a small piece to this mess. He seems to forget he lied and had a secret life for 3 years and I found out he never told me.

My girlfriend asked me if it was truely over between us or could I except this oc and make our marry work. I really thought hard about that question but I feel I would have to do all the work and why do I want to work on us when I could just work on me.

I feel the damage is to great to overcome and I would have to learn to trust him again and love him again and I just don't have it in me. So my girlfriend said then why does it both you so much that he see his daughter and I realized that I'm jealous of her. How sad for me!! I can't do anything about his love for her.

He has been honest to me about his relationship with her and it would never end. I can't except her so we are 2 dogs chasing our tails, we get no where. He says he loves me and always had and always will but he has his oc and he can't not have no contact.

Either I except that or not. I chose not but the pain I feel with that decision (which I feel I have no choose because he took my choose away my keeping a secret and developing a relationship with her before I was even in the picture)hurts beyond belief.

It's holds me back from moving to the next step of this thing called recovery. I do see a therapist and she feels I am to hard on myself and I need to go through the pain and not around it. So I say okay and wait for time to pass. I fake it till I make it.

Stbxh also told me his family wants to meet her and I felt my heart just drop when he said this. My head says of course they do I would want to meet her if my brother had a child out of wedlock but how do I not take it like they are turning there back to me and why should I care.

He has asked our sons if they want to meet her and they both said no not now. I think they know how that would hurt me and they might not be ready themselves. What a mess! I know I should say to them it's okay to see her but I can't!!!

How terrible for me to be that way because I love children and I hate her (well what she represents)but that doesn't make it okay. So I feel guilty for even think that and it goes on and on and on.

I hate him for doing this to me(us). My sons don't like me talking to him because I just hang up and cry. So I will not call him for 2 or 3 days but then I call him just to talk or ask questions. I don't want him but I don't want him living his life without me. How ridiculous! Do you see the dog chasing his tail.

I seem to not want to let go of him and I miss him but I don't want him back. I think I need to be committed soon. So just tell me I will make it or that I'm crazy it's okay.

LJ