Ok...today my stomach is in knots. I just found out last Sunday that a good friend of mine from school--a real done-to-earth mother of two--is having an affair. The last person I would think of having an affair.

Evidently, it has been going on since before last April---and it has reached the point that she is thinking of divorcing her husband. She met this guy on the internet...and has been with him and gone to see him--he lives about 4 hours away.

Often, last spring, I saw flowers in her classroom--but I just assumed they were from her husband. WRONG <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am devastated--it has been on my mind since I heard about it....at first, I wanted to slap her into reality. If she only knew the pain and heartache that goes along with this. She doesn't have a clue. There is not a day that goes by that what my ex has done to me and the kids--doesn't affect us in some way. It is so pathetic.

How should I approach this? I think she is going to think that this is none of my business. But, she has a really nice solid family. She has fallen into the trap of having her needs met by someone else--and from what I have heard, she is really in the FOG. I hate to see another family affected by this mess.

Do I have the right to talk to her--should I talk to her? She hasn't confided in me--she didn't ask for any advice.

Please add her to your prayer list. Pat

PS
I called a friend today to talk about it--and she knew about the situation and was so disappointed about it. My friend told her about it last spring (she didn't tell me tho). Supposedly, she has rationalized it already--giving the same lines we BS's have all heard so many times.

I don't know if I should talk to her. I did call her a few minutes ago and made a lunch date for next Tuesday. I don't think I can just let this go---she knows what I have been thru the last two years. How could someone do this to their family--their kids?

Tough call. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do.

IMO everyone who knows about an affair is absolutely obligated to reveal it, so the truth can set everyone free. This does not mean the outcome will be what you want, it just means secrets of this kind are destructive in themselves and evil flourishes when good wo/men look the other way. You may not have wanted to know, but now you do, so you must act......or look the other way.

How one reveals such thing is another matter. I do think one should do so with as much compassion, care and selflessness as possible. In the case of your particulars you have a freindship that grants status to discuss this matter. What kind of friend would stand by and let someone injure themselves or others. I would suggest you go prepared, with a selection of materials about affairs, the psychology, pathology, likely outcomes etc. I would not be tentative, you might say something like friend, we have to talk about something that may lead to serious conflict, even end our freindship, but I am resolute and hope you will give this a fair contemplation rather than choose anger and/or aggression.... or something like that. This is no time to appear tentative or wishy washy, you are attempting the most difficult of relationship behaviour, an intervention. Interventionists must be strong, resolute, and prepared to carry out the consequences should the interventionee be recalcitrant. You must believe in what you are going to do, understand the potential firestorm, and prepared to go the distance...if you cannot do so, then slink away and embrace whatever rationalizations you favor (a little hyperbole to make the point).

You are acting in her best interest (that is your motivation), she may or may not agree, what she thinks is unimportant...if you have the courage of your convictions. IF you act out of some misplaced baggage of your own, you may legitimately be called on that, and answer for it, but does not change the absolute requirement to reveal evil behaviour as best you can.

Having gotten her attention, the rest depends on her. Hopefully this will start a dialog of understanding, leading to her revealtion of the affair. However if it goes the other way, this is my life, butt out..then you inform her you can't do that and look yourself in the mirror. That you are going to give this same information to her H, but it would be much better coming from her. Further that you understand this may cause a permanent rift in the friendship, but your concern for her well-being is more important than sacrificing her to avoid your discomfort or losing her friendship, that you hope someday she will understand, and stop being angry with you, that the door is always open despite any angry outbursts or hurtful behaviour that may be occuring...and then go live your life pat, knowing you have done the right thing. The outcome is not your responsibility, how you reveal it is your responsibility, but it stops there. Give this a lot of thought, the gravity is worthy of serious consideration re proceedure, but be resolute.

That is what I would do.

Pat,

I know that I would have liked someone to have smacked my husband up along side the head when he was doing what your friend is doing, no one did that I know of. I can't tell you one way or the other, that is a call you will have to pray about and make.

However this is a thread that I found a while back that helped me to understand how it is that my husband that I loved with all my heart allowed himself to do what he did it. I hope that it will help you to help your friend.

Have a great 4th!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

I'm one of the advocates for telling the truth about the A.

If she is such a good friend of yours, does this mean that you know her H as well? If so, then I would recommend that you talk to her about how you know of the A, and how her H has a right to know too. Tell her that it would be best if he heard it from her, but that if she didn't tell him on her own, then you will.

This could cost you the friendship.

However... do you really want to remain friends with anyone who would continue to betray someone they are supposed to care for that much?

The BS has a right to know. We can all agree on THAT point, I think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You can offer your friend support during this time as well. You have first hand knowledge and experience on how this behaviour can affect a family, and friends, and other relatives, and co-workers, etc. Without giving her some "education" on MB, you can tell her that WHEN she chooses to work on her M, you have the tools to help her and her H, IF THEY WANT THEM.

I'm so sorry that you have been exposed to another A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I believe that for all of us, no matter who is involved now, we're hyper-sensitive to it, b/c of our own experiences. Darn triggers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Let us know where you're at with this. We're here to support you in whatever YOU feel is the right thing to do.

Karen

Dear sufdb,

Thank you for your input....From what I have heard...her husband now knows the truth. She has asked him to move out...although I don't think he has yet. I heard that she wants to move with the kids to OM city...and she wants her husband to transfer to the university there so that he can be close to the kids.

How could she think he would do that...FOG, FOG, FOG.

I don't know him very well...although my heart breaks for what he is going through. He loves her...but is really hurt by the whole situation.

I made a luncheon date with her for next Tuesday. I am going to try to bring it up...and tell her how it has affected me and the kids. The ripple effects of an affair and break-up of a family just keep going. So many people get hurt---and it isn't as easy as it seems it would be. If I can just impress on her the damage that has been done to me and the kids--our whole world has been shaken by this experience....

I would love to get her on MB to at least read about some of the concepts that are presented here---don't know if she will do that--but I am going to try.

daybreak....

Thanks for the site....describes an affair very well from my experience. Amazing how similar they all are. This may really be out of line for me to be approaching her...but I really wish someone had tried with my ex to do this. Don't know if it will do any good--sounds like she is pretty "gone". How sad. She has such neat kids--and a good life. How someone would intentionally throw that away is still beyond me.

Topie...it was good hearing from you....I am not sure how many people know of the affair...although this is a very small community and evidently her husband is starting to tell people. He does know about it...I guess he is very hurt and scared of losing his marriage. It is so sad. I have worked with her for a number of years--a really neat person and fun to work with. I hate to see this happen to her family. I may lose her friendship for "interferring"--but I just can't not say anything--just pray that I say it in the right way. I guess my friend tried to talk to her and she just shut down and refused to talk about it anymore. Really strained their relationship the last few months of school. I think she is like most WSs and doesn't want to hear anything negative about what she is doing.

Oh well--have to go start cooking for the fourth---have a great day.

PS Topie--so sorry to hear about your situation--I was really hoping to see more people from the last few years recover their marriage. Oh well, we will be success stories no matter how our situations turn out....you sound so strong. Take care Pat

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by miserynmissouri:
PS Topie--so sorry to hear about your situation--I was really hoping to see more people from the last few years recover their marriage. Oh well, we will be success stories no matter how our situations turn out....you sound so strong</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right... we ARE in recovery... only it's without our spouses. We'll be just fine.

I'm glad I'm sounding strong... I sure don't feel like it some days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I've been living in "crisis mode" for over 8 months now, and I'm growing weary. More and more keeps on coming up... stuff I can't post about for confidentiality reasons. I can't wait until I can blow off some steam and vent about it on here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> By the end of July (if not mid July) I should be able to post more. I usually post in GQII... so check it out every now and then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

Dear Karen,

I will be looking for your posts. Goodluck in July....Pat

Posted by Topie -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You're right... we ARE in recovery... only it's without our spouses. We'll be just fine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a great saying - and yes I feel the same way!

Pat,

I'm not sure what I would do, it would depend on how close we were. Just putting out a question-
Is there a good site for WS's that are interested in recovery? Is MB a good first place?

I have a friend who had a month long A. I am her spiritual mentor, so she had asked me to work thru this with her. OUCH. I am happy to help her, but it is sure painful. Having learned so much from MB, I am able to tell her it's OK that she doesn't have feelings for her H right now, and no don't dv him right now because you feel so worthless.... God put her in my life and believe it or not, she is a blessing to me.

She told me about it right before I went on vacation and I didn't tell her H. She knows what I have been through with my WH. I was able to share on a deep level but the fog was so thick.

Pat , I hope you are enjoying your summer.How are your kids?

Blessings,

D.

Dear WGTT,

Thanks for the post. The kids are doing fine...the two oldest left for Europe on Saturday. My oldest called from Italy today--the trip went well. They are going to the beach tomorrow in Rimini....oh I wish I was there with them. I think I could have fun this time.

Oh well--I am hear with my youngest two. We are busy with swimming, baseball, and softball. They are also doing this mini-society entrepeneur thing...which is keeping us all busy. Soccer starts this week- my youngest daughter has been asked to play on a select team in KC--so more trips up there to practice and play. Life is never dull.

My friend called me and canceled our luncheon date today. I finally got a hold of her today an we are going to go tomorrow....I hope I don't lose a friend. I just hate to see what is happening. I hate what it has done to me--but I especially hate what it has done to our kids and friends. Divorce is not a good solution..but I wonder if anyone will listen before it is too late. Sounds like it may be already too late. Oh well, I have to try.

How are your doing? Seems like a lot of us aren't on as much anymore. Life tends to get too busy for me...and reading about all this pain sometimes gets overwhelming for me at times.

I am glad you are doing better. Take Care Pat