Dear MB friends,
Happy Independence Day to all of you!! The kids and I are having a very good day, here on America’s birthday. For fun, let me tell you what we are doing: We slept in a little bit this morning but not too much—until about 9:30am. It was enough to feel luxurious and yet not so much as to feel stiff or over-slept. I had the kids help me put my bed together correctly—as in, build the frame and put the mattress in the frame!! Yay!! Once my bed was put together right, I was able to put my bears and candles where THEY are supposed to be, which made room for the stuff in the living room that was supposed to be in my bedroom! Heehee. So I got a lot of unpacking and decorating done, and that was FUN. It is really exhilarating to be able to decorate MY home in the way in which I like it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It’s such a relief to be slowly diminishing those boxes!!
Next, my daughter (S) was off with her friend, L. L’s mom had gotten married, and they all moved into the new husband’s house…only problem was that S did not have that phone number, so she couldn’t reach her friend. Luckily, when WE moved, we kept our same old phone numbers—and yesterday L called S and invited her out to the movies and for the afternoon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> After that, my sone (J) and I went to pick up his on-again-off-again girlfriend. About the time we were moving, she had broken up with him and it really hit him hard, but now she says it was a HUGE mistake. They were going together for a while too, so I guess we’ll see what happens. Anyway, she came over and brought hotdog buns and baked beans, and we had a little BBQ (brats, beans, chips and soda) and took a swim. It’s about 95 degrees here in Colorado today, so it’s PERFECT weather for Independence Day. Later on tonight, the kids and I and his GF have tickets to go see the BIG fireworks display put on by the City of Denver—it’s set to music and everything—so we are looking forward to that!!
The main reason I am writing today, though, is not because of our wonderful day (although it really WAS a great day). Nope, I’m writing because I think I made a major breakthrough last night and today. As you’all know, my exH has bipolar, BPD, and general anxiety disorder, and he has a very familiar, somewhat predictable pattern of being lonely/lovey one week and angry/raging/blaming the next week (sometimes it’s even day to day or within one day, but the point is that there’s a pattern). Well, this week he has been feeling overwhelmed at work with projects and service calls, and in the past when he was overwhelmed he tried getting me to “help” him…and I would do the best I could or organize things for him, and then he’d blame me for forgetting something or yell at me for not figuring it out on my own or accuse me of not following through or SOMETHING. It didn’t take too long until I never wanted to “help” because I knew it wouldn’t be appreciated anyway! However, since I am the poster child for codependency, I would hear him say that he needs help, and my first gut instinct was to offer it to him!
Well, I think my first fairly good step (about 3-4 months ago) was to learn to say I would help, but that the cost for doing him a favor and taking my free-time was appreciation…that I would help if he would say “thank you” and treat me gratefully. Apparently THAT price was too high, because he promptly refused my help because I wouldn’t give it to him for free anymore. Okay, that was good, I felt. His NEXT try at manipulation was to tell S that he would be able to buy her braces (something she sorely wants because she is embarrassed about her teeth) if SHE would help him! (OH BROTHER!! Does it ever end??) At first she fell for it a little while and gave him help, but eventually she quit because he was a slave-driver, he didn’t pay her like he promised he would, and he kept postponing the braces to another day…another day…another day. This gave us (S and I) a wonderful chance to talk about the fact that I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear…I told her the truth even if it was painful…and in reality we couldn’t afford the braces and probably neither could her dad but he was planning on the braces based on “wishes”…that I “wished” I could give them to her too, but at least I was telling her what was real to her face…and that we could save up for them once my paychecks started being regular. Okay, that was all about a month ago.
This holiday, my exH started feeling overwhelmed with projects and service calls and began his usual pattern of blaming us for not helping him. To the kids’ credit, both of them stood firm and would not help him because he has “used” them in the past. They weren’t mean about it, just firm…no. He yells, he blames, he doesn’t pay them, and he’s mean when they try to help—and I’m proud that they just said no. Naturally, if tactic A isn’t working, he turns to tactic B…wherein he spoke to me on the phone telling me his woes and how he won’t be able to spend any time with the kids this weekend because he has so much work to do, etc. (Between you and I, who suffers here: him or the kids? If he chooses not to spend time with them, does he think he’s punishing them?) Here comes the good part: I started to tell him I’d be willing to help and I could type, etc. and then I thought: WHOA!! WAIT A MINUTE!! When we (the kids and I) DESPERATELY needed him, did he give a **** about us?? NO! When we needed him to work at our family business to provide for our family, did he give a **** about us? NO! When I do something nice for him, does he treat me nicely? NO! So why the heck should I care if he’s FEELING overwhelmed and threatening to not spend time with the kids?? I’m proud of myself. I didn’t even tell him that I would help but the price would be appreciation. Nope, I told him, “That’s too bad. What are you going to do??”
That just plain made him mad. MAD!!! I think he was mad because he knew that he wouldn’t be able to manipulate the kids and I anymore. He stormed off and acted like a jerk.
So, first, I’m proud of myself for not falling into the “old” pattern of offering to help, but second, I’m proud of myself for what I did next. He peeled out of the driveway swearing and acting like a jacka$$, and I walked into the house, had a luscious cup of coffee, didn’t cry a tear, proceeded to have a wonderful day doing exactly what I wanted to do, enjoyed myself and mostly felt sorry for him. It’s just so sad that he will probably have a day of loneliness, working, and anger on a day like this!! It’s just so sad to me that we (the kids and I) are RIGHT HERE, but rather than face his illnesses or deal with them in any way, he has dumped us out of his life, made his bed of loneliness and anger, and tried to cover it all up with “work.” It’s so sad!!
What can I say? Oh well, I feel really rotten for him. But I feel REALLY GOOD for us. We did WELL and I’m proud of us. We were true to ourselves and didn’t get sucked into a raging day!! YAY!
CJ
