Hi I would like to know if there are any studies or information about remarrying a spouse after you have divorced.
Its a long story but I was the W spouse. Two years ago I divorced my H. He has remained friendly and frankly I am having second thoughts.

There are still huge issues, things that must change, and right now I'm just looking into it. I have not spoken to him about it.

Go with your heart Blackberry. Studies don't mean much. The first step is talking to him. Tell him how you feel. I'm sure he still cares about you. There are many here that are divorced that would love to hear what you've written about your ex, myself included. Everyone deserves a second chance, especially in marriage. I wish you both the best.

<small>[ July 05, 2003, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: getting better ]</small>

If 'going with your heart' means to disregard the issues, then I would have to say that it may not be such a good idea to remarry. More so if these issues were instrumental in creating the environment that made the affair possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>If 'going with your heart' means to disregard the issues, then I would have to say that it may not be such a good idea to remarry. More so if these issues were instrumental in creating the environment that made the affair possible.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you care to extrapolate on that Mr. Coffee?

I didn't make the comment, but I'll extrapolate.

Human behavior normally doesn't change unless it is shocked into doing so. Unless one or both of the partners has been shocked into changing, there will not be changes.

If there are not changes, the same destructive patterns will play out in the relationship until it inevitably ends with the same outcome as the first time.

Maybe it'd work out, but I'd be surprised if it did.

TMCM,
I didn't address the issues at all. I just suggested a starting point for her. You have to start somewhere.

True, you have to start somewhere...

However, she must determine whether this desire to get back together is because she has thought things through and decided to pursue her X. If she has been single for a while and had a chance to examine herself and her priorities and decided that she does think a second time would work, that might be ok. However, if this longing is because she just got out of a relationship and thinks "Well, at least he'll take me back" then it will not work.

I don't know enough about the situation to comment, however, the motive behind getting together again needs to be examined.

Well, she has already admitted that she was the W spouse. That in itself has got to be a breakthrough with the relationship. Now that it's out in the open, the subject of trust needs to be examined. Say for example (and this is just an example) that the reason she was the W. spouse was that he wasn't fullfilling her emotionial needs and she was getting them filled elsewhere. He has got to know now that he never wants that to happen again and will be more attentive at tending to those love bank balances.

At least she has one really good thing going for her. He has remained friendly to her.

Good luck Blackberry girl. I hope it works out just the way you want it to!

hoping4best, thanks for doing the explanations for me, I couldn't have said them better myself.

Unless BOTH are committed to do the work that it's going to take to resolve their individual issues, then the second marriage will be starting out with serious structural defects that over time will only get worse and will eventually end up just like the first one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>hoping4best, thanks for doing the explanations for me, I couldn't have said them better myself.

Unless BOTH are committed to do the work that it's going to take to resolve their individual issues, then the second marriage will be starting out with serious structural defects that over time will only get worse and will eventually end up just like the first one.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My goodness you're bitter Mr. Coffee. She has stated that there are issues that need to be resolved and things that must change. She has not in any way indicated that she is just going to sweep everything under the rug. It sounds as though they have kept a friendly relationship going and perhaps the power of love has a shot here. Isn't that what we're all here for?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NewDawnComing:
My goodness you're bitter Mr. Coffee. She has stated that there are issues that need to be resolved and things that must change. She has not in any way indicated that she is just going to sweep everything under the rug. It sounds as though they have kept a friendly relationship going and perhaps the power of love has a shot here. Isn't that what we're all here for?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since when is expressing words of caution a sign of bitterness?

It is not only she that may have issues that need resolving, but her XH as well, and IF he doesn't show a willingness to do his part in resolving those issues, then getting remarried to him, is not a good thing. A healthy and happy marriage is the result of teamwork.

I'm surprised that anyone would call "Mr. Coffee" bitter. I thought he was being realistic. It would be like me taking WS back, even if the same issues (porn, affair, OC, emotional attachment to mommy and daddy) were there....what has changed to make the marriage work any better? I think Mr. Coffee is trying to ask blackberry what issues are there to be resolved, and what is her plan to do it and is ex-H also willing to do that plan? Her Ex-H made mistakes too, just as I did- is he willing to try to change those too?
Remember, if you keep doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result, you are going to go insane.

<small>[ July 05, 2003, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since when is expressing words of caution a sign of bitterness?

[/QB][/QUOTE]

It's not just the 'words of caution', it's your whole tag line. Let me ask you something. Are you friendly with your ex? Or do you not look her in the eye or ever speak to her in person or on the phone. Do you only communicate through e-mail or do you do your part in showing a willingness to work together for the benefit of your children? What if she came to you and asked to see if things could be worked out? Would you be willing to have a sit down or would you tell her to take a hike?

Thank you adgirl because that is exactly what I was trying to get across to blackberry (although in a much clumsier manner I must admit).

Frankly nothing would delight me more that she and her XH truly were able to resolve their individual issues and then got re-married, for it would be a good sign that they have learned those painful lessons of the past and are committed to not repeating them.

Would you be willing to have a sit down or would you tell her to take a hike?

I hope he would tell her to take a hike since he is remarried!! And what is wrong with his tagline? The Grace of God is all we can ever depend on ALL the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not just the 'words of caution', it's your whole tag line. Let me ask you something. Are you friendly with your ex? Or do you not look her in the eye or ever speak to her in person or on the phone. Do you only communicate through e-mail or do you do your part in showing a willingness to work together for the benefit of your children? What if she came to you and asked to see if things could be worked out? Would you be willing to have a sit down or would you tell her to take a hike?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe you should ask yourself why are you being so prosecutorial to someone that has expressed a different opinion than yours?

But for the sake of harmony, I'll humor you by answering your questions:

1.Are you friendly with your ex?

I'm on friendly terms with her because of our
two daughters.

2.Do you only communicate through e-mail or do you do your part in showing a willingness to work together for the benefit of your children?

As the custodial parent, I have shown more
than willingness on my part to resolve any
lingering issues between us that might harm
our two daughters. But ALWAYS with my wife
present so that it doesn't turn into one of
her pleas to give her another chance.

3.What if she came to you and asked to see if things could be worked out? Would you be willing to have a sit down or would you tell her to take a hike?

She actually did this last year (numerous
times) AFTER she found out I was engaged
to be married to my fiancee, now wife. I
kindly told her (as hard as it is for you to
beleive) the first time to please not broach
the subject again, which she did anyway. If
she truly loved me she would respect my wishes
to make a new life for myself, especially
after surviving the hell of her emotionally
abusive behavior while she was engaged in her
multiple affairs during our years of marriage
Thankfully she has finally gotten the message
to let me live my life, but if she attempts
to break up my marriage I will have no qualms
in indeed telling her to take a hike.

Any more questions?

<small>[ July 05, 2003, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Every situation is different. Some betrayed spouses were lied to over and over while the wayword spouse continued the affair.

In that case, is it realistic to expect the BS to just take the wayword back?

Sometimes people can also show changes, but it is just an act. It is easy to lose trust, but once it is lost, it is very difficult to regain.

TMCM offered a lot of good advice in my situation when I experienced problems. There is value in listening to someone who has been down a path that was not pleasant so that future problems can be avoided. He may be bitter or he may not be, but you can't really tell through what he is posting. The only way to tell is to observe his actions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>[QUOTE]
Any more questions?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well yes. If you're so happily married, what the are you still doing here in the divorcing/divorced issue of this site? (oh the irony of it all)

Postscript to Blackberry girl. I'm sorry your thread got out of hand. I thought you represented yourself and your situation very well in your few lines...at least I could read between them. I wish you hope and happiness.
Signing off.

Well yes. If you're so happily married, what the are you still doing here in the divorcing/divorced issue of this site? (oh the irony of it all)

Well newdawncoming, seeing as you have had 13 posts in a year (unless you were someone else before) you obviously don't know TMCM too well, or you would know that he basically surfs all boards to help people as much as possible. He doesn't have an issue with OC but he helps people on the pregnancy/child board. I am not sure why you feel the need to attack a fellow board poster, but I think that it is important that we get back to the original thread starter- who is blackberry. Blackberry, how are you and what are the issues in your previous marriage that you would view as needing some work? Do you think your ex (and you) would be willing to work on those things? Are you in counseling at all?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NewDawnComing:
If you're so happily married, what the are you still doing here in the divorcing/divorced issue of this site? (oh the irony of it all)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sigh! Hasn't it ever occurred to you that those of us that have gone thru divorce can also give others good insights, and just possibly help inspire them, thru our example, that there is life after divorce? But I guess the answer would be no, since you tend to beleive the worst in people that have different opinions that yours, and for this reason I will no longer respond to your posts.

Thank you adgirl for your support, you certainly know me well, unlike others (Do you think that NewDawnComing might be my XW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Blackberry accept my apologies for aiding in the hijacking of your thread. I wish you and your X the best life has to offer, and that all your goals become reality.

<small>[ July 05, 2003, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>