Hey all,

Took my boys to Chicago for the 4th. Had a great time overall, staying two nights downtown. But one thing that I really felt almost constantly was the lack of my wife. Now I didn't miss the person. Just the fact that the only thing missing from a great time was looking across the table at someone who should have been having the same great time. I mean, I really missed having my 'family' in its entirety. Now I loved having my boys, and I know that had she been there, we actually would NOT have had such a good time. Because she would have been complaining about the heat. Or NOT being willing to look around 'twice', or just a million little things that we did as boys that she would not have been willing to 'let' us do, or 'join' us in.

I saw so many people running around having a great time. And in reality, I had a great time, but it wasn't whole, by any means. It felt like there was a constant 'hole' in the middle of everything we did. I don't think my boys even thought of it once. I think that they probably knew that we were doing more without her than we ever could have with her.

My question, and actually, by putting this down, I feel much better and in essence have answered it myself;... What sorts of things do you all do when you start lamenting the loss of your 'family' when doing these types of things. I mean, going out to a nice dinner in downtown Chicago just felt kind of empty. We had a great time, but I was not fulfilled. I couldn't look across the table and share a 'look' of love and admiration. I couldn't hold hands sitting on the bench as 'our' boys played in the fountain by Navy Pier. I couldn't hold hands while sitting next to the pool while my boys played.

Those are the types of things that I miss. NOT the person... God knows not the person. Just what she 'should have' but really rarely did, represented. What do you guys and gals do when you are remembering when you would have been able to look across the table at some warm eyes looking back at you? What do you do when you want more than anything just to lean over and kiss her neck?

Heh heh heh... what a fool in some ways. I guess I wonder more about what I might have had rather than what I actually had. What I would have had, WOULD have been alot of me giving in because she didn't want to be 'put out'. What I want is someone that will be willing... be willing to try for others rather than just get whatever she wanted for herself. Heh heh heh... I guess someone that is smart enough to wear sneakers on a walk rather than sandles that 'match'. Someone willing to put her hair up in a ponytail and plop on a ball cap, rather than spend an hour fixing her hair then worrying the whole time about it getting mussed. Someone willing to wait in line for the boy's happiness rather than have to go sit down for her own.

Yes, we actually had a great time. And NO the weather was NEVER bad where we were on the lake. But I would like to be able to take my boys on trips without this sense that my family is not whole. Without the feeling that I don't have what I want in someone to share it with. The ONLY trip that we ever went on that I felt that perhaps she was a little selfless was to Disney World about a month or so after I found out about her first 3 affairs. That trip as actually one in which I didn't feel like she was only thinking about herself and her comfort. I got a taste of what a partner could be... NOW I want a good one. heh heh heh.......

I know *exactly* how you feel. My kids (6,4,2) and I have been having a great summer. We've been hiking and swimming and playing tennis and going on bike rides along the river, and all kinds of fun things. We have a great time together, and now it is easier to handle them all by myself. But there IS something missing. Like you, I don't miss my ex husband. He never wanted to spend time doing family things, and was usually never along on things like this when we were married. (Conveniently having to work when we went to the zoo or the mountains....now I know he was working on the principal and counselor at school! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So I can't miss what I never had, I guess. But I do miss the thought of it. And unfortunately, nothing I can ever do will be as good as how it should have been. A husband and wife and their three children, loving each other and enjoying each other's company. Even when I do find someone else, he won't look at my children with the loving eyes of a parent. He won't be as excited as I am when my daughter learns to ride her bike without training wheels or when my son asks God into his heart. That part makes me mad. That my ex husband tore apart our family, and took away the chance for us ever to be a whole family again.

To answer your question, though, I don't think there are easy solutions. I am doing my best and try not to dwell on it, and try to stay positive. When I am somewhere like the 4th of July parade on Friday, and I see all the 'happy families' and start to wonder why I had to choose a serial cheating husband who left us, I also see people who have far more serious problems then I do. Then I thank God for what he has given me, instead of dwelling on what he hasn't. I have 3 fabulous healthy beautiful children. I am healthy and happy and have managed to work my way out of a nightmarish situation. The other thing I do when I start feeling sorry for me is to do something nice for someone else. I pick different people to do things for, even if it is just a note telling them how much they mean to me, and that seems to help pull me out of my funk.

And I just have hope that someday I will meet someone who cherishes me and the kids, and that we cherish back. Who knows if that is what is in store for me or not. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel, and I hate feeling like there is a hole. Sometimes I just pretend there isn't one, but it is glaring to me. Oh well. I'm glad you had such a fun time regardless. That is all we can do!

Krista

I second it!!!! I am having a very different summer doing some things I really like. I always hesitated staying away from home too long from my WS cause he is a drinker and I felt he drank more when I was not around. Also, I was always anticipating and expecting him to want to do things together so I would always make sure I was there for him (just in case) LOL---what a jerk I was.

I joined a Country Club pool cause I love to swim, and read, and lay in the sun and a pool is the perfect place to do all of these things. I am thanking God that I did this cause I love to be outside. If I did not join the pool, I would be sitting in my apartment "locked up" with the air conditioner going cause it is too hot to do much outside. Funny thing though, I find I am doing a lot by myself. I have 4 free passes to the pool and no one seems to be available to join me so I go everyday by myself for hours. It is good but hollow. It can be hard to watch the families so I just refocus my thoughts. I would rather be around families having fun than sitting in my apartment all by myself. I am starting to realize I don't like apartment living. I know I do not like being single but the alternative to live with an alcoholic and adulterer is worse.

FC, you are fortunate to have your boys to do things with. My boys are grown and have busy lives. ENJOY THEM while you can.

I sometimes am having trouble connecting with people, even if I am around friends and family. I don't know if this is one of the drawbacks in living alone or that the hole in my heart is too deep. I discovered last week that when I went to my sons and daughter-in-law's apartment, I had a hard time engaging in conversation (not like me at all, I am a talker) but after 15-20 minutes, I was able to get the momentum going and there was no stopping me. I think I am withdrawing a little. I do not like that.

I long and long and long and long for a house and family to share it with. I cannot stop looking at houses as I drive down the road to wherever I go. I am not made to be alone....I am an interactive, people person and love to be with people and do things for others.

FC, I lived with 3 males (husb, and 2 sons) for many years and the "guy" things they did amazed me. I loved the rough-housing, wrestling, video-games, motor bikes, dirt bikes, frogs, snakes, turtles, cars, motorcylces, fix-it projects, dirt and endless food shopping. I miss the activity and the testerone overflowing. Men have such enengy and are so physical and that enhanced my life and viewpoint.

I dislike being in my own thoughts all the time. I truly valued the viewpoints of my guys. I love to talk to my sons and they flavor my life in such a special way so enjoy those boys and value the time you have.

If I let myself think about my WS, I ask God to help me stop and redirect my thinking. I really love my H and when he was available and made an effort to participate in family things, it was the best. Our time together was always special to me and we got along great. It was when he was not at home that things were scary. So I really miss what was good. I often get caught up in how can I get the good back and disgard the garbage but it is futile.

I am trying to wait to see what God has in store for my future but I need to heal first and unlove my H.

Sorry this is sooooooo long but it felt great getting this stuff out. Thanks for this thread.

TW