I could sure use some advice! I want so much to try and save our marriage, but find no way to get my husband engaged with it. Some days I feel so desperate, even though I understand I need to give it up to God.
My husband moved out last November. I came home from work one day and he was gone. He called me from his brother's saying he wasn't coming back. I had no clue that things were to the breaking point! No mention that of "I can't go on living like this" or "we need some help". He just moved out!
Shortly after that, we started some counseling that was free through his work with a fellow that wasn't a marriage counselor. He offered some insight, but we weren't offered tools to really help our situation. Once I found the Marriage Builders site and suggested that it might be more helpful, my husband jumped at the chance to quit counseling. We tried exploring each others needs and I was working to better understand his, but there seemed apathy on his part - once I commented on this and he decided to quit that path, too, saying "You're never satisfied".
I came to understand that a big part of the problem was that he was suffering from depression so there was no energy to work on the marriage, and everything seemed hopeless to him. In February, he told me he needed more space because the emotional pain was too great and the only way to heal the marriage was for us to stop seeing each other. I was very doubtful, but agreed to try if he would get counseling for his depression. I started with another counselor, but he never did.
When I realized that social isolation is really bad for people with depression I dropped in on him, worried about how his health was, offering to call the doctor for follow-up to the medication she prescribed and to make appointments for therapy for the depression. He was very pleasant to me on that day, but the following day emailed me that he would file for divorce (kind of like being fired by email - VERY painful!).
In April, the medication seemed to be working and he looked like he was coming out of the depression (we had to meet to sign off on tax returns). He suggested that we try dating and not go back to fix things, just start over. I was encouraged but cautious. We did that for 3 weeks - the last time on our 5th wedding anniversary, then I didn't hear from him for a month.
Last month, the counselor I was seeing could see how difficult it was for me to not know what was going on with him and our relationship. Her advice: tell him how you feel (the ups & downs) and tell him what you need, knowing that there are no guarantees that he will provide what I ask. I had prefered things to be in limbo, a painful place to be, than to know he wanted to end things. However, I finally felt I was in a place where I was ready "to know". SO I explained how hard things had been, how I wanted to work on it, asked if/when he would be willing to develop our relationship again. The response - he appologized for leaving me in limbo for so long and served me with divorce papers.
I really want to "make" him give it another try. To have him move out without discussing how bad things were for him before hand, and to never really have given it a chance to improve things since then fills me with despair. It's like being in a wasteland where there is no redemption, no second chances - being punished according to rules I didn't know existed. We are both Christians so we understand how important forgiveness is.
I have been repeatedly sad - sometimes I think I focus too much on the grief and not enough on what's good in my life. I can't stop thinking about him, trying to rehearse just the right words that would make him give me another chance.
Most of the people who know my husband can't believe the situation, any more than I can. They remember him saying things like, "People give up too easily on marriages; there are no problems that can't be talked through".
I don't want this divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I don't know what else I can offer, besides a willingness to change, to convince him that there's no need to go back to the pain we had, if we're willing to do things different. Any advice would be appreciated...
