It has been a long time since I've posted on here. My D was final on Feb 1. xH had an affair at the beginning of 2002 and left for a month. We got back together and then split again in July 2002 after he said he didn't like being married and having a family. I knew at that time I had done all I could so went ahead with the D. Since then xH and I have remained friends as I have tried to keep a civil relationship because we have a 3 year old.

He kept it secret that he still dated the OW off and on (she worked at his office..he is a boss/owner of the company). Recently he has started opening up about the fact they have still been in a relationship and it is pretty serious, at least to her. He tells me that he doesn't love her and might still love me yet is agreeing to have her move in with him. He says it is because he feels responsible she quit her job last week (the one she worked with him..the other bosses were holding her to very high standards) and doesn't want to make "rash" decisions and hurt people like he did to me before.

I know deep down that the odds of things working out with us again in the future are slim but I still grasp on to the illusion he presents to me everytime and it hurts to keep falling for it over and over. This last time I allowed him to stay overnight and we were intimate. Now that he has told me he is going to go ahead and let the OW move in with him (instead of breaking it all off which is what he said he was going to do) I am tormented by the urge to at least have her know what he has done. Namely, his telling me he doesn't love her, isn't enjoying sex with her, and of course coming back to me and sleeping with me and telling me he still loves me. He has said she used to worry about his attatchment to me (and maybe still does?) and I know he lied and said he was at his parents when he was with me. If I emailed her and told her the truth I know that it would probably destroy my relationship with xH, but then again..maybe it would give him the "easy way out" he always seems to be looking for in life. However, just the thought of proving to her that "yes, it will happen to you too" is driving me nuts.

Help! Anyone been in a similar situation? I know, logically, that I should just shut up and concentrate on myself (especially since I think that is what has him coming back) but this is just eating me up to know the truth is a secret.

Hopeful in AZ...
(not very)

I have been tempted to tell OW what WH tells me..like he will never marry her, does she know this, yeah, I think so....did you actually tell her. No, not specifically.

BUT I figure that they need to hurt each other for there to be a real effect of what they have done. If I try to "force a solution", it only makes me look like the bad guy. It would just give them something that might unite them for a time being or delay the inevitable.

Why would you want someone back that can't find his own way out of a mess? Your invovlement will not give him a way out.

I wonder, too, if your intimacy with WH will prolong his ambivalent state that he is in.
TW

Hopeful - one, why would you sleep with your husband after he has slept with the other woman? You don't know where she has been, and where those others have been. That is one thing I couldn't and still don't understand about my x-husband. He fell for a whore, who slept around, and didn't once think about aids or std or anything. Cause it was lusting for her body, yes she was a voluptous woman.

I for one would say, no sex. You are divorced, are not even dating. One you two need to work things out verbally, and financially. He is allowing this 'whore' to live with him cause he caused her to lose her job. What a lame excuse. You are enabling this man to push your buttons. When are you going to realize he is using you. And saying the right words to you. Do you ever think that he says those things just to say what you want to hear. And he probably tells the other woman the same. I don't know.

If he is telling you the truth, then he would do the proper thing, and help her with her finances for a few months, he alone in his place, and you alone in your place. No interaction with the other woman, except for sending her money to help her out for a few months. He is not wanting you by yourself. He wants the cake and icing and candles. He has to be honest and tell you the truth. If he doesn't love you, he has to tell you. If he loves you, she goes, bye bye.

This smells funny to me, and you are dealing with a 'whore' and honey you are not worth dying. Aids and std causes great stress on the body, and can cause death. Think about it.

Also, what your husband says about her is for your information, not hers. He may mean it, and if he does, it is for you to know and she to not know. And if he doesn't mean it, all the better to keep it to yourself. The only thing you would do to say he compared you to her and liked you better, would be like saying nah, nah, nah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Let her think whatever she wants. She is not worth the time and energy. The same goes for my x-husbands 'whore'. She is a 'whore' by nature, and what she thinks doesn't matter to me. She was nothing to have gotten so upset about. I see her as a failure to life, as a failure to God, her first affair was with a minister of her church.

Just work on yourself, but do a plan B. That is the only thing I think that will save your marriage, or have any chance of saving your marriage. Why would he want to marry you. He has everything going his way now. Why change things. Once he is done with this woman, he will probably move on to another. He has you on the side, and you tell him you love him. And sleep with him, which just uuuuugggghhhh.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> you shouldn't!!!!

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Hi HopeinAZ,

Long time no see! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sorry to hear about the turn of the D but you sound much stronger. Sounds like you XH still isn't sure of his life. OW's longevity appears to be hanging on a string.

Regardless of OW's status, your dignity and grace are traits belonging to a W and not an OW. As for telling her anything, well that like throwing pearls before swine. Maybe letting it slip somehow in the office (U know sending cookies or something to the whole staff)......without mentioning anything....let the staff know you are still a nice person.

U R still a shining star. Let others reflect your glow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Sorry to hear about the divorce, but it looks like you're holding up pretty well!

In my situation, something very similar happened that effectively ended my XW's relationship with the OM.

OM was in the process of a divorce, and had told my XW all sorts of nasty things about his STBX...how they hated each other, how she was cruel and vindictive, etc.

A couple of months after our divorce (also in Feb.), XW got a call from OM's STBX! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

They had what XW described as a "nice chat," in which she learned that OM's STBX was not nearly as bad as she had been led to believe, and while they were divorcing, it was not as nasty as he made it sound. In fact, they'd been intimate the whole time, and OM had been lying about that and a few other things.

That phone call burst her bubble regarding her "soul-mate," and pretty much ended the affair right then and there. It also allowed me the opportunity to say "I told you so," which I deliberately avoided. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Although it didn't lead to a reunion with my XW (thank goodness!), the OW-XW conversation was, in my situation, a good thing.

HOWEVER, your situation is different, and the results might be VERY different.

There's some great advice here, and to recap:

Stop the Sex With the Ex! Hey, I did it too, but all it did was keep me from moving on.

Work on yourself! Not because you want to make yourself more attractive to the Ex, but because you want to make yourself more attractive to the NEXT!

Call the OM if you like, but realize that, at best, you'll just find someone with whom you have something in common: You both know someone you can't trust.

If I was to harsh to you, I am sorry. But like the others said, work on yourself. Make yourself a beautiful person for the next person. Your husband will regret this one day. Regret that he lost you in distrust, deceit, adultery, and vindictiveness. And like Jack said, you both know someone that you cannot trust. Trust comes from radical honesty and love. Like myself, SNL my xH shows no honesty and no love. He is gone, he is one who is dishonest. Therefore, I have no xH really, just this man who I really don't know.

God will tell the OW in some way about your xH and his cheating. Let it be, let God do his Job, and you do yours. You are a beautiful person, intelligent, and you need to work on yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, logically, that I should just shut up and concentrate on myself (especially since I think that is what has him coming back) but this is just eating me up to know the truth is a secret. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you have your answer, now you just have to find a safe outlet for your need to gossip about yur foolish XH.

Hey, MB looks like a good place, why not start here?

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hopeful in AZ:
<strong>
This last time I allowed him to stay overnight and we were intimateNamely, his telling me he doesn't love her, isn't enjoying sex with her, and of course coming back to me and sleeping with me and telling me he still loves me. (not very)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont even know how to respond to this.

I not only told (via email)OW some of the things my WH had said about her, I added a few of my own. It may have sparked some doubts in her head about his faithfulness to her and how he feels about her - but I doubt it did much damage. It made me look fairly foolish, I guess. I've done a fair amount of dumb things throughout their A. If she contacts you - yes, tell her the truth - she probably can sense it any way. But, I would advise not seeking her out to tell her.

My $.02

Thanks for the input everyone. It was exactly what I needed to hear. That I'm crazy to even be going down this road! The sex with the ex thing was a one time. I hadn't planned on keeping it up. I guess I just did it because I wanted to remind him what it was like and he said he was leaving her. Yeah, right. Now I know he hasn't changed. Each time I go back down this road I get a little wiser. More power to her if she can't see what she's getting in to and you are right, if he can't get himself out of the mess I should not want him back.

It is just so hard to imagine ever finding anyone else that it is tempting to return to the familiar. What is just so screwed up is that ex says he doesn't want to leave her because he's afraid of being alone and not finding anyone else. Ha! If he would never had left me in the first place he wouldn't have had to worry about that would he? Guess the world of the "gigilo" wasn't what he thought it was going to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, thanks again for the sanity check.

Hopeful in AZ

It sounds like your husband has a huge ego that needs constant stroking.
I guess that my feelings are differant about this than those that have posted.
You slept with your ex husband(like that has never happened on this forum before).I have never slept with my ex's yet I have had no feelings for them. There are for you and obviously for him.
It looks like you are out mistressing the mistress. Your ex seems to enjoy cheating on whoever he is with. What's up with that? What does he want anyways?
If I were you and felt that his girlfriend had the right to know, I may let her know. Not in a way that I would be trying to rub her nose in it-but did she care about your feelings? And you were married. They are not. I think what comes around, goes around.
I would not feel sorry for the girlfriend in your case at all. He was married when she got involved-to you, now he is notmarried to anyone.Mistresses don't need protection. The truth may actually teach her something here. Their relationship is not exactly sacred.
And if your ex got mad at you-what's he going to do about it except stop seeing you which is what he supposedly wanted awhile back.
If you tell her, make sure that it is not just for your satisfaction, but to let her know what heart-aches she is in for if she moves forward with him.
Would you let anyone head for a brickwall without trying to stop it? If she is just moving in and he's already slept with his ex-she will lose if she goes ahead with this. You could just let the chips fall. It's up to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />