I posted in another forum but figured it couldn't hurt to post a couple times.
I'll try to condense this....
My H and I were married 2 years. Our marriage was going downhill. I was lonley and sad a lot. He was angry and sometimes abusive. I felt like I was in the way and not important (sometimes not all the time) So after some counsling and reading some books to help us I still left him. I was drinking a lot and miserable. He had threatened me with divorce stating that it wasn't working. He never left though. So anyway I left one night and divorced him. Thought I was doing the right thing. I met someone else and thought I was happy and ready to move on but soon realized that he wasn't for me. I thought about my ex but wouldn't allow myself to even think of going back. I think I was in denile or something like that...who knows..
Anyway after I left he was devistated. He changed his ways...He went to anger managment for a couple months and counsling. He stopped drinking and fighting. He bettered himself.
After many many attmepts from him I told him I would hang around with him to see if in fact he's changed. So here we are hanging out and God it feels good. He's attentive, he's opened up to me so much, he's realized what he lost I guess. So my question is can people change. I would love to work it out with him. There was a lot of good things about him that I loved but there was too much hurt happening. If all those hurtful things were gone he would be the man of my dreams. The attraction between us is so strong, he can make me laugh like no one else, we have a lot of fun together, he's just a big teddy bear. I'm just so scared of getting hurt again...I think it's worth the risk to find out or I'll be left wondering forever if I could of saved my marriage. So HELP! Advice please!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DMS:
<strong> He changed his ways...He went to anger managment for a couple months and counsling. He stopped drinking and fighting. He bettered himself.
I would love to work it out with him. There was a lot of good things about him that I loved but there was too much hurt happening. If all those hurtful things were gone he would be the man of my dreams. The attraction between us is so strong, he can make me laugh like no one else, we have a lot of fun together, he's just a big teddy bear. I'm just so scared of getting hurt again...I think it's worth the risk to find out. Advice please!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, DMS, I would like to start out by congratulating you on this rather "grown up" decision!

Why would I say such a thing? In your sig line, you call yourself a "27 yr old girl. Well, girl IT'S TIME TO GROW UP!!!

Actually, I think you did. And so did your H. That is a positive step.

Other positive steps you can take? Read all the cncepts on this website. ALL of them apply to you both. Particularly the 4 Rules of Protection of a M.....

Anyway, my suggestion to you is that you both come here and read all the concepts (NOT the forums!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Do the ENQ's. Read HNHN, Fall in Love, Stay in Love. According to the Harley's, anyone can have a happy, loving M, if they are willing to find and meet each others' needs all their lives.

Keep reading, and keep working at it! You can make it.

Good luck, and God Bless,

Hey...I actually put girl on purpose. That's because I feel like a confused little girl who needs a lot of help and guideance. I am fully aware that I am an adult and have made some adult decisions.....in my siggy that was just a reflection on how I feel...
Thanks for the advice. I think my H would be more than willing to come here and learn with me. He had already asked me to attend a weekend getaway for marriages in trouble but I wasn't willing to go at the time. I think we can save it and I know he's willing...and I am too. It's gonna be a lot of work but our happiness is worth it...

DMS:

Oh, yeah, I'm sure you are a "grown-up" girl!! I was just injecting a little "dark humor" I guess. Sorry about that! Hope it didn't offend.

Believe me, I understand.............I'm more than twice your age, and also felt like a confused child trying to navigate my way through this mess.

THANK GOD for this site!!! It saved my sanity.

I think it would be great if he would come to this site. But as I said, I don't really believe the most benefit is from the boards. Why do I say that? Mainly b/c there are so many people from all walks of life.....I mean, in all stages of this mess. Some of them post out of their pain, and it isn't always solid advice.....more like venting.

He could end up reading about some guy whose HAD IT with his/W, and start thinking, "Well, ya know? I'm kinda upset too........."

I think the concepts says all it needs to say about what to do and HOW to do it.

You could also call the Harleys for phone counseling.............word is they are EXCELLENT! But if you can't afford it, please go (together) and read all the concepts, and purchase a few of the books I mentioned in first post.

Keep posting, tho. Others will be around to lend aid.

Good luck, and God Bless.

Thanks again...believe me no offense was taken...I just wanted to let you know why I did put "girl" down.
I don't think I will take him here (to the forums), just to the articles and such. He loves it when I read to him so I figure we can sit together while I read to him about the love bank and 3 rules of marriage. Everyday I'm more and more sure that I want to make it work. If you would of asked me a few months ago if I wanted to make it work I would of said NOOO WAYYY! But when I got the papers something clicked in me...I wasn't angry with him anymore. I saw his efforts and realized how much he loved me and how much work he put into changing for the better....this prooves that anything is possible...before he was a VERY stubborn man but I can honestly say he is a new man!
Thanks for your help and I wish you all the best with your situation!

DMS---you both need to focus on your own individual changes. It takes two to mess up a marriage and it takes two to fix it. Don't focus on his need to change without looking within yourself at what you need to change.

I was drinking a lot and miserable How are you doing with drinking? was it only a temporary escape or is it a lifestyle for you?

You are so lucky and fortunate to have this opportunity to rekindle your M. Everyone on this site prays for that chance more often then they should.

YOU WILL BE PRAYED FOR and we are all rooting for you!!!!

TW

DMS

I wanted to reply to you because i'm going through something similar. I too, was only married for a short time, but due to my ex-h's depression, low-self esteem, and fear, he felt he needed out. So he filed for divorce, which was finalized in Sept. 02.

We have always gotten along very well, had fun together, and still do. He contacted me back in March and we have been talking ever since (we live in 2 different states now).

He would like for us to get back together and will move wherever I wind up. I would love to believe him, as my feelings for him are still strong, but I need more than just his words to prove it to me. I would like to see him get some professional help/medication to control his depression and to help him figure out what makes him run. I've been suggesting this for a long time, and has made an appointment or two. But he hasn't followed through, as I know he is terrified of hearing that he is too messed up to ever consider being with anyone again. Drastic, I know, but it's what he believes.

You're lucky to have the opportunity to witness his changes first hand. Although my ex is acting now in a way he has never before, by saying things he has never said before, it's hard to just hear the words after what's happened.

I too, am so afraid of being hurt again. And I know he is so afraid of putting me through that again. But how do you know when to take the risk and take a leap of faith???

I'm hoping that everything works out for you both. Everyone here loves to hear a success story. Keep posting, and perhaps we can help each other through our fears.

Kathy

Thanks for all the advice. I do really appreciate it.
Tossedwave...I am MUCH better on my drinking. I was coming home from work and drinking by myself or with whoever would drink with me. Now I go out once in a while or have a beer occasionally after work but nothing close to what it was. I was trying to escape how I felt and just numb myself. I totally agree that it takes two. I know I was quite a brat and not very trusting of him. I too am trying to change and just let us both learn. Me leaving made us BOTH stronger and together I feel we can work it out but.....
I agree with you Fishlady it is very scary. There are times that I just want to walk away because I don't want to risk it. But it's my marriage and I love him. I want to make it work. It is very hard hard to decide even if it's worth the risk of being hurt again. You have to decide for yourself if you were happy and if you think it's something that you want to challenge. Everyday I'm becoming more and more sure that I made the right decision. I was apart from him for a year and in that year I saw his determination to make himself a better person. He was consistent and never gave up on us. He NEVER gave up and I saw that. I saw that and it made me want to come back. I saw the love he had for me. I really hope that everyone can get a second chance at their marriage like myself and my husband did. In my opinion anyone who makes an effort deserves a second chance. I think when you lose something you really realize how much what it meant to you. I was the one who left but I really realized how much he meant to me and the same for him.
I really wish the best for all of you. Everyone deserves to be happy.

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: DMS ]</small>