How do you deal with the guilt trips the in-laws give about seeing their grandchild? My husband's family will be going camping for three days starting tomorrow. Husband was suppose to go if our son went. Our son is 4-years-old. Everytime he goes to stay with husband, son refuses to stay the night. He gets sad and calls me crying every time. We are sure son is afraid that I will abandon him since his dad left us. Anyway, husband's dad was giving me crap about it even though he saw first hand how my son reacts to not having me around. Any advice would be helpful.

Luna,

This is your son, you are the primary care provider, your decision!!! Stick to it!!!

Explain to your spouse and his parents that they may take son if they really feel the need, but that they should know that son hasn't spent the night yet and it would be a much further drive for them to bring him back.

Maybe husband and son could spend the day with those camping and come back that night or you could meet him half way so that husband can go back to campsite.

There is a saying that "Those that anger you, control you." See if you can find away to use those words in this situation.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll have to talk to husband tomorrow and see if he likes them. I think it would be a good idea to have him drive up and I'll pick son up somewhere in between. In-laws know son won't spend the night. Husband is staying with them until the 19th. He's PCSing and then headed for Iraq(?) supposedly. I don't know if his visiting has done more harm than good. I miss husband a lot and will be going to plan b when he leaves. He still says he doesn't want to be married but stresses that he hates knowing that we're only five miles from him. Who knows. He's been so adement about divorce that I'm heading that way too.

4 years old is still pretty young to be away from home, even with grand parents. Maybe you can assure your in-laws that in time he will be able to go more. You're probably right about his fears about losing you too. You are his mom and know whats best for him.

I'll be living near the in-laws for a little while. I want to move out of this area and am currently looking for work. I followed my husband around for eight years and this is the first time I get to decide where I want to live and what to do. I'm embarassed with everything that happened in my marriage to stay in our hometown. Too many memories. Husband wasn't too happy about that when I mentioned it. He thinks I'll still be waiting around here waiting for him to come back when he gets out of the military in a year and a half.

My son prefers to be with me right now. I don't know how he'll do when he won't be seeing dad for so long. Son still cries that he wants mommy and daddy together. Having husband here has made it worse.

In-Laws need to BUTT OUT! You and husband are responsible for your child - not them. Reminding them of that ASAP might make a difference. Go ahead, step on a few toes, they certainly have OVER STEPPED their boundaries. They raised their kids - now it's your turn to raise yours. They need to let you raise yours the way YOU want to - not the way they want you to!
JMHO. Harold
Oh, and one other thing. In your Sig Line, you write: Him- WH, 25, military, EA with one of his soliders..
I spent 9 years in the Army and was an NCO as well. He better hope and pray that his Chain Of Command does not find out about that little EA he had with that soldier. Fraternization is what it is called - he can get an Article 15, lose some rank, be denied re-enlistment - he is playing with fire here. And with the Military coming down hard on 'sexual harassment', all it takes is one female filing a complaint against him and he's HISTORY as far as his military career is concerned...
SGT T-Bird, US Army (Retired)

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 02:51 AM: Message edited by: Mr. Harold The BiPolar Dude ]</small>

I know that if my husband wasn't here, they would have invited me to go camping instead and they would have called me at the last minute to do so. I'm just upset right now. Husband had said he wasn't going to go if son didn't. Low and behold, I called his cell phone and he was on his way camping. I thought it would be good for him to stay and bond with a son for atleast one weekend before he left. I'm really upset now. I thought husband would have figured out what is important to him by now. Guess I was wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

As for his chain of command knowing about the EA, they knew but didn't have any proof. She accused my husband of stalking her and told them what had been going on. Since it was her word against his, they moved him to a different unit. That was the extent of his discipline. I wish now that he would have lost some rank. He doesn't deserve to be an NCO anymore.

Luna,

I am sorry that your H is such a [censored]!!!Obviously what you think should be important to him is not what is important to him. The sad part is that it is your son that doesn't get the one-to-one time with dad that is important to him!!!! How do you turn it in to a win/win situation for you all? Perhaps some books to read about co-parenting, counseling for each of you, join a parents group. Explain using "I" messages how important it is that your H spend some one-to-one time with your son. Pick your words carefully so that H doesn't feel like he is being attacked, make it like you are trying to help him be the best parent that he can be to his son!!!! It worked for me with xH. It made him not be defensive, I was trying to help him, how could he get defensive with me?

My 2 cents worth for you!!!! Keep your chin up and stay strong, you've done an awesome job thus far!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I guess the old Army adage proves true once again: the discipline depends on the particular Chain Of Command. I saw one NCO get a 'suspended' Article 15 and sent back to the States early (we were in Germany). And he got caught in the act!
I've also seen others forced into Early Retirement. At any rate, if anything was placed into his 301 File (I think that's what it is called) then he will be barred from reenlistment when his time to reenlist comes up.
It's too bad he doesn't see what his attitude and actions are causing to your relationship.
Harold

Husband hasn't been barred from reenlistment but he did get a bad NCO evaluation for his records before PCSing. His previous one had been glowing with excellents and satisfactories. From what he told me, his last evaluation was really bad. He started to go down hill at work when he started the EA with her. Couldn't keep his priorities straight. It's ok though, the military blamed me for everything. Even had a couselor say everything was my fault. Gotta love the military. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As to our relationship, husband wasn't happy being married to me and now isn't happy with our current situation. Our marriage was not the greatest so he does not want to continue with it. He wants me to file for divorce so I will have the time to get over him. I don't know if I will. Still love him, just waiting for him to pull his head out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I don't know how long your husband has been in, nor his rank, but I got news for him - it's all over for his kind! A bad NCOER is a death knell for him. He might as well start looking for another career, because his Army one is shot. He can forget about any promotion now because there are so many other NCOs with excellent NCOERs and he will be passed over for promotion until he is forced to leave the military as when you reach a certain rank you can't retire. As I recall, an E-6 (Staff Sergeant) has to get out at 21 years - at least when I was in (1989 to 1998). He won't get that much in retirement anyway - not at that rank. If he's an E-7 I think he can stay in for a total of 23 years. Of course, him being an NCO he will already know this, but is he thinking ahead 'out of the box'? If he's an E-5 he will get absolutely NO retirement at all. Looks like he just shafted his own self - the question is: does HE realize it yet???
Harold

Mr. Harold,

I've spoken with Luna before, and have always had the thought that her H was not a lifer.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He thinks I'll still be waiting around here waiting for him to come back when he gets out of the military in a year and a half.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just thought I would share that, since she has been posting she has always said "when he gets out." Looks like he only served 10, I've never understood those that give that long and then get out.My dad had 22 years and xH has 24 as right now and can stay for 30 evenif he doesn't make E9, so I wont get retirement til 09! Shucky darn!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Husband is an E-5. Never wanted to go for the E-6. He says he only reenlisted because he had a family, obviously, that's not his true reason since he left his family. The real reason was that he liked getting the reelistment bonuses. He will have been in 8 1/2 years by the time he gets out. He wants out now because he has screwed up his career. I don't know what his plans are for when he leaves the military. From what he told me before, he'll go live with his dad and get on unemployment for a while. Real high hopes. This is why he expects me to stay in the area. My family's here and he won't have to worry about us moving and living far from him again.

<small>[ July 12, 2003, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: LunaDove ]</small>

Hi LunaD! Yah, I was E-5 before I got out as well, and I was planning to do the 20 and maybe more. Desert Storm I changed all that - my Unit came under chemical attack and we came back sick. They put me out on Medical Chapter a few years later.
Sounds like your husband has real high 'aspirations' for himself. Sorry, I missed the part where you said he was not a lifer. I guess most folks who make NCO do plan for it, or at least think about it. Unless he's in a good MOS that has a civilian-equivalent, he's going to have some problems finding work. That is too bad about where he's planning to live when he gets out.
My ex-wife did her very best - really she did - to turn not only her side of the Family against me, she did manage to turn our own kids against me and she tried to bamboozle my side of the Family - my own Parents - also, but they weren't believing her line of crap.
I moved 2,500 miles away anyway.
Guess maybe I have a unusual circumstances regarding the 'normal' Divorce - but then again, NOTHING about Divorce is normal - it sucks all around and shatters hearts and families!
Harold
----------------------
PostNote: I gotta add this: I was sitting around watching some old Camcorder videos of our last 'Reunion' before we split, and I realized for the first time - just how COLD and unfriendly my (former) In-Laws really were! Quite a contrast to the ones I have now - it's like night and day. I couldn't believe it - how I was so BLIND to what they really were like. Thank God I got away from them!!

<small>[ July 13, 2003, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: Mr. Harold The BiPolar Dude ]</small>

I'm trying not to go the "good" route and just not tell his parents anything about what happened when I lived with him. They wouldn't believe me anyway. To them it's a "he said/she said" thing. My husband did a lot of evil things to me and I'm sure he has justified it all to his parents so I don't even bother with them hence the reason that I want to move far away from them.

My main problem is that I feel used by his family. They use me to get to my son and I don't appreciate that. They pull guilt trips on me and blame me for not seeing their "grandbaby". His mother does that the most yet when we were still together I gave her plenty of opportunities to see our son. She just never took them.

Husband is an MP who wants to do law enforcement. Atleast he did. Who knows now. He figures that should transfer easily. We'll see what he decides to do.