Here's what I have learned recently...

1. Do not schedule any appointments when ex has custody the month of July, even if I plan to take them. Let him be responsible for making appointments and let him take them, even if it means my children may have to wait a month for important appointments.

2. Let him get his own schedules for the school and extra-curricular activities. If I take this responsibility on in any way, then it will come back to haunt me as he will expect more and more, including blaming me if he misses an important event.

Well, that's the latest on what I have learned.

ANNA

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

It's amazing what we have learned through all of this. Here we are getting smarter and smarter and others seem to get stupider, and stupider. Glad I am on the learning curve side!!!!!

It's hard to get over the habitat of doing the things that we did to help dad look good and get to where he needed for the kids sake.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daybreak:
<strong>

It's hard to get over the habit of doing the things that we did to help dad look good and get to where he needed for the kids sake.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dawn,

It is something hard to break but I am learning and I am going to have to continually remind myself not to go there again.

Okay, I want to add to my list.

3. Do not allow ex to pull me into his chaotic world.

Guys, they really know how to pull you in. Okay, let me explain a little of what is going on...

I try to help ex out and take the kids to their doctors appointments when he has them because it is easier for me to get off work than him. I also have always tried to remind him of important events the children have and give him the necessary schedules. I figured it was best for the children to have both parents there. This always seems to backfire as then he ends up blaming me because he tells me I gave him the wrong time or date or didn't tell him at all. Then we argue, which now I have realized that is not good for the kids at all and what I am trying to do by helping is becoming counter-productive.

Here's what happened this week. I'll try to shorten this story as much as possible. He and his aunt start playing games with me this week on my children's dental appointment. I had told them each three times over the last couple of weeks that I would take the kids to this appointment but when I went to make arrangements with his aunt, she said coldly to me that she will not make any arrangements with me without me reminding ex and get permission again from him, then she hangs up on me. I call him, and tell him that I am doing them the favor and he can either tell his aunt to back off or he take them himself. He ends up calling and cancelling a much needed dental appointment and reschedules it a month away when I have the children again.

That was it for me. I email him a letter stating I will not take the kids on appointments when he has them nor will I remind him of events the kids have any more.

So last night he calls me and says, "I scheduled appointment for OS for the doctor. Can you take him next week?" I say "No, didn't you get my email about this. You have them this month, and for the sake of peace in my life, I'll only take them on my custody days from now on." He hangs up and I guess reads his email. He calls me back mad and ask me how I can punish him for what his aunt did. I said, "We go through this same chaos over and over and I am taking myself out of the middle."

He then writes me two nasty emails.In one email he stated, "Good luck with your miserable life and thanks for keeping me out of it." Guys, I know this is not using MB principals but I wrote back and said, "Just FYI, my most miserable day is not even your best day, so don't even try to go there."

I am sure you can see I am letting him suck me into his chaotic world so I am going to now step back, take a breath and quit responding to these ridiculous emails.

Maybe we should come up with a "Top 10 do's and don'ts to parenting with ex list." Afterall, I do have the first three don'ts and bet I could easily come up with 7 more.

Take care,

ANNA

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

Anna,

I've got just a minute. But here's my thought, go find orchids thread on babbling (I lost my bookmarks or I's give it to you) Anytime xH tries to pull you in just babble back at him.

It has helped me so much in putting things back on the people that they belong to!!! I use it at school with the kids that I aide for!!! Takes me out of being the brunt of their frustrations.

I've given this one out a lot lately, but it really hit me and I use it all the time, keeps me calm and in control of me!!! "Those who anger you control you!" If you think about it you could substitute many words for the anger.

I do the long distant co parenting, somedays I think that that is easier, not always though!!!

Take care, keep the chin up!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anna,

Your right..don't allow yourself to get sucked in..

if you make appointments for your kids..make them for when you have the kids..

if by chance the ONLY time you can get an appointment happens to be when you know they are going to be w/ their dad..then ask that they send a letter with the appointment time, or if you are in the office and it's a follow up then get an appointment card..you can give your ex-h when he picks up the kids..

After you give him the letter or appointment card
forget about it...do not call to remind him--He has the information..let him figure out what to do

If the kids miss their appointment..you did what you could..you have no control over whether he remembers to take them or not..

as far as my kids special events..I don't tell their dad about them..my kids are old enough (as are your's) to pick up the phone and call to let their dad know about these things..if they want him there..it's their responsiblity it let him know...NOT MINE

Look at it in another way...

If you want your bestfriend to come over for dinner, are you going to ask your mom to call and invite her, or are you going to invite her yourself??

it's your dinner party..you are the one who wants her there, your mom doesn't care if they show up, so it's not going to effect her in anyway shape of form..but it's your relationship..so you are the one who is going to call her and extend the invite..

Your kids are the same way...it's their event..if they want dad their they can call him and ask him
to come..give him all the details themselves..and they can make the plans..taking you out of the middle..and teaching them to be responsible for their relationship with their dad...

***added**

and one more thing...He's remarried correct??

Let his new wife remind him of appointments..and
help make his life easier..it's no longer your
responbility...

<small>[ July 13, 2003, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Thanks for responding TR. I am getting there slowly but surely.

Ya know the ex had the nerve after all the chaos he and his aunt created to ask me if I can take son to a doctors appointment next week. I kindly declined and said, "I would prefer you take them and I'll make sure I take them during the 11 months I have them." He stuttered around and didn't know what to say but then wrote a nasty email to me....oh well, he'll get it eventually.

Oddly today he did something out of character and gave me an almost new breakfast area table and chairs; along with two end tables and a coffee table as he didn't need them now that he was married and they didn't have room for them in their new house. I wonder if I'll regret accepting these gifts. We shall see.

Take care,

ANNA

Dawn,

Too funny!!!

I am good at babbling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! This should be an easy one for me! Thanks!

ANNA