I think back to when we first met and it was the very best time of my life, he was so sweet and caring and really loved me with all of his heart and I felt it.
Since he has started smoking mj again he has changed so much. He cusses me and says some really bad things. To add to it all he is drinking alot more.
We have been separated for four months now and he says it is all because he is so mad that I left. I left because he chose to smoke mj over his marriage and it has went downhill from there.
It is almost like he has gone crazy in a way. I dont know. There is always a reason or excuse for the things he says and does. The week before I left to go on vacation I mowed my yard (push mower), he came down and went off. He said that someone else had mowed my yard with a riding mower until I finally convinced him that I was the one who mowed it. When I came home from vacation he went off saying that I had no tan lines (thinking I was on the beach with no swimsuit)CRAZY! i know this sounds crazy but, I just dont understand what could be so wrong with him. All i have asked him to do is quit smoking mj, and regarding that he says one he will quit and the next day he wont quit.
Last of my story.... he came down last night (after me telling him NO) and he said that he was tired of it all and he was quitting period. And he tells me to make the decision if I want to stay married or not. He also says that I have to forgive and forget. I just dont know if he is being truthful or not.
What do you think?

Thank you for listening

Hi Jenigirl,

I understand completely you mistrust of your H.
The effects of the drug is making him mean, and abusive to you.
He is trying to make you feel guilty that he is drinking more alcohol because you left. Do not believe that. For a chemically dependent person, there will always be an excuse, but never a good excuse.

I am a recovered alcoholic, and drug addict. I've been sober 11yrs.
Your H's, mind, heart, brain, and whole being has been messed up by the drugs and alcohol. That is why he was acting the way he does.

Read all you can find on line of the effects of drugs and alcohol.

You cannot trust your H's word right now. As much as he says he will quit, he most likely won't. It's just a ploy to get you to stay with him. You can give him an alternative, to get treatment. Ask him if he will go to get an evalutaion at a drug treatment center.
It's not possible to work on the marriage until he is completely sober and stays that way, and I haven't seen anyone stay sober on thier own without help, especially if he smokes it as you say he does, then says he will quit, but doesn't. That's an indicator he needs treatment, but until he admits that and takes the step, you cannot trust him.
He wants you to forgive and forget yes, but does that mean he will stop?? I don't think so. That is the thinking of a chemically dependent person.
Just as a person is in a big fog during an affair/infidelity, so is a person on mj, and alcohol.
Please do not trust him at this point, he is all talk and no action. If he does get treatment, don't make a decision until he is off drugs for 8-12months, to get back with him. Then you will know for sure if he is serious about sobriety, and your marriage. If he does all of that, ask him to also have drug/alcohol tests done periodically to make sure he is staying sober,
and to help you to trust him again. Many say they aren't doing it and are. That's why I say that. If you get back with him in the future, you need to feel safe, and be able to trust him.

I know this is such a difficult time for you.

There are many resources that can help you, such
as "Alanon." Look in the phone book to find the meetings nearest you.

As for your H, " A.A. Alcoholic Anonymous" " N.A., Narcotics Anonymous" and most of all a drug/alcohol evaluation, and treatment.

This is not something that will be cured over night, it will take a long time and a lot of work. And a lot of faith. If he is not willing, there is nothing you can do.

Be strong and don't give into his promises at this point. Wait and see if he is serious and follows through with what I have told you. This will keep you safe.

God bless you, praying for you.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

People don't change jenni. The problem usually is we don't take the time to really understand them (or be understood ourselves). This leads to important relationship choices which are often found to be ill-advised. It would be nice if everyone were radically honest while dating, but the reality is, few are. Oftentimes that is just kind of normal, one puts their best foot forward and all that, sometimes it is knowlingly deceptive (such as concealing drug history, sexual history, previous relationships and outcomes, anger issues, employment issues, financial issues etc.). Why would people conceal things? Because they want something from you (your time, your money, sexual favors, etc.)....and they are afraid if you know all the truth about them you will not choose them. One of the skills needed while dating is to look hard for reasons not to continue in a relationship with someone, but this is not what we typically do. Instead we default to trusting people, and assume their "pursuit" behaviour is who they really are, and we will live happily ever after, love conquering any pesky conflict that arises. It never occurs to us what we are seeing is not the truth, and may even be a calculated campaign to ensnare us.

It is my opinion that any marriage that quickly reveals a heretofore unknown (and generally undesireable) behaviour pattern by the new spouse should end right now, you were decieved, and have no marriage. Annul/divorce, then continue dating if you want until you fully understand the prospective mate, then remarry if you choose...most often you will not. Obviously the longer the marriage has gone on, and especially if children involved, this is a more difficult decision due to your life investment. But the principle still holds, unfortuneately there are large numbers of people in this world who make poor marital partners, but they still marry. If you find yourself in such a circumstance, cut your loses and leave, sad, but hopefully a lot wiser about such matters in the future.

As for your specific circumstances, drugs should always be a dealbreaker IMO. Don't even consider rehabilitateing someone as their spouse, divorce, protecting yourself, then work with them if you want, and remarry later if they rehabilitate themselves and are worthy....Drugs can alter behaviour, and may in his case, but that is not the problem, the problem is he has chosen the drugs. Whether he concealed the drug use (and I suspect he did regardless of what he may have said about quitting etc.) that he so quickly started using is a very bad sign. He probably chose you cause you are a decent, dependable, caring person who will give in to his taker, so he put on the charm and decieved you. Do not be confused (as many here often are) by thoughts of who he "should" be or "could" be, people are who they are right now. You can assess the likelihood he can make permanent changes for the better, but you cannot make decisions based on who he would be if he did that. Your decisions need to be based on what is happening right now.