I just need to know what everyones timeline has been for the crying stage. I feel like I am getting worse with time and I can't seem to move on. I am going to a support group on Monday will see how that goes. I don't stop looking for ways to handle this bad situation because that is how I am. Nothing seems to work and I just want to know how everyone dealt with their pain and ways to move on.

I feel weak and my self esteem is at a all time low. I feel like I should be farther along because I was doing better a few months ago and I just need positive feedback.

I think part of my problem is our anniversary is coming up 23 years (ugh) July 20th. I just cry about the turn my life has taken and I was taken so my surprise.

Families are going on vacation and it hurts that I don't have that any more. Stbxh is so involved in his other life I am like last on his list of thoughts and he is first on mine.

Life is so unfair. I am allowing him to control me by me not letting go of the anger and hurt. I understand that but I can't seem to move past this. Help me understand!!

I don't know much of your story, but I can almost 'feel' the pain you are in! This is most likely going to be the most horrific experience of your life; you need to understand and acknowledge that.

From your signature line it seems you've only been separated a few months. GIVE YOURSELF TIME! This is a long process, and you need to be kind to yourself, and then be kind to yourself some more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's going to take a long time, but it DOES GET EASIER. I suspect everyone who's been here for awhile would agree with that. I've been separated for over one and a half years, divorced almost 2 months, and had been struggling greatly in my marriage for about 3 years previous to all that. So that adds up to about 5 years of turmoil. I STILL cry at times. It is SO MUCH EASIER now and at times doesn't even bother me much, but at other times the heartache is right there. It's a process, and the best way to get past it, is through it. Feel the feelings, and cry the tears, and don't worry about a time-line. Whatever it takes for you is what it will take for you.

You are NOT going nuts, and you are NOT going backwards. It's just that this process is NOT linear - it zigzags constantly. Do whatever you need to do; for me, I immersed myself in prayer, reading Christian books, the Bible, listening to music, and surrounded myself as much as I needed with loving friends and family. And if you need to be alone, be alone. Be kind to yourself.

Remember God is with you, always, and cares about every tear you shed. I have just lifted you up in prayer, and will remember you in my prayers. Take care of yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

lj,

I am sorry that you are feeling the way that you are.

It is hard accepting what it is our lives have become by no means of our own. This is not something that we have chosen but something that we have been subjected too. And it does anger us!! But it is how we chose to handle that anger that matters.

I seen this in your post </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am allowing him to control me by me not letting go of the anger and hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have passed this around alot this week but it really made me stop and think, I wasn't going to allow him to control my life anymore in any way or shape. I even painted this message on signboards for sale. "Those that anger you, control you." Don't give him any control over you!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It does get easier, keep talking with friends, come here and post share your pain and hurt with us.

lj - many of us have been through your same situation, with some differences. I was married for 25 years, and in 2000 that is when my x-husband decided to flirt on the internet and find his 'whore'. The OW ended up being the same age, FAT, and this was for sure her 2nd sexual affair in her marriage. We all realize she has mental problems.

I was here for a VERY long time. Death seemed to be the answer, I felt guilty, while x-husband sat in his seat and he didn't feel remorse or guilt about committing adultery and taking my children and my money and life away. I have family that has been there for me, even my mother-in-law. She is upset with her son for many reasons, he has caused her to waste $$$$, and with the eviction of her house. Too much to explain.

I immersed myself in reading, talking with friends, and family, going to counseling, and First Step (battered wives), individual counseling and group sessions. I found the group sessions to be quite helpful and lead to a new life for me. I loved music, but during this time I was unable to listen to music for the noise irritated me. Also, I was battered by my x-husband, and I had to have rotator cuff surgery wtih 3 tears, so I was drugged for a long time, and still on 2 drugs now.

I also found taking my dogs for a walk and talking with God was immensely helpful. We have woods and a pond in the back where the fields are, (not mine) the neighbors. I read self-help books, Like Dr. Phils.

What it is is time. It takes time for you to get through this. As far as divorce, it takes about 1 year to get through the pain of the divorce after the final day of divorce. My divorce is 1 month old. I still have days, that are very painful. I cry at times. But now I am having really some great days. Through battered wives, I am attending school this fall parttime. This has been a structure that happened through First Step, and I am so grateful. I talk to new people I meet. I am friendly and conversation with people is easy for me. I am allowed to be myself now. Yes, I say, I am divorced and it was horrible and my x-husband is still trying to control me. But I have set a deep boundary, no talking is the best. He is a controller, kids admit it to me. And what he has done to his mother I have been told to get social services in her case. I talked and they said she is a legal social service case, with a controlling son that lives in her house she is suppose to live in and he controls everything there. Telling her what to do, where to put stuff, not getting things done on time, giving her and I and the kids lies about doing things. It is a nightmare. I love my MIL and I know she loves me. I know she loves her son, but does not like his actions, and he is unthoughtful towards her. His words come out strong towards her, and tells her too cooperate.

But I talk with her, and she is enabling her son to control her. Her son does not control me much anymore. Yes, I am poor, no money, but I will get ahead in time. He can control me by taking the kids here and there, like today he wants to take the kids golfing. I can't even take my kids to McDonalds. I have no money. But he sits in his hovel with his gourmet eggs, and fruits and food to eat. And I am making dinners of what is left out of the freezer and pantry.

lj, believe us it will get easier. I was in your shoes, thinking that all of you were nuts saying it will get easier. It does. Time heals wounds, think of your heart with sores on it, and what you are doing is feeding it antibiotics with caring words and the sores are healing little by little. Your heart will never be totally healed, be scarred by the pain the rest of your life, but you willl move on and get your life back.

Post here, and there will be plenty of help here, but get individual counseling, and get on anti-depressants. I tried to get off a while back, but went into an attack. I know my body and I know that I am required to take the anti-depressants to get my life back. I know for sure, that my x-husband needed to get on anti-depressants, but he is of the mind set that everyone else is wrong and he is okay.

Just like he says my kids are fine (we had 4) and they are not fine. Instead of buying them this and that and taking them to do fun things, I am going to get counseling for the kids and I. But that is part of the control, he makes very very good money, self-employed and I make nothing, on medical. So I get the medical done through the government, and he can buy them things, play with them, while I provide a home and what food I can.

I have a lot of pain in me, physically and emotionally yet. It still hurts, and we all could give you paragraphs of the pain we suffer. But IT IS getting EASIER hon. WE all care and are concerned about you. Post and help yourself to heal.

Hi, everyone

Made it through the weekend,this stuff is really tough. I have decided to re-evaluate myself and take the bull my the horn, I no longer want him controling me.

I allow it and I have to stop or I will never make it. I cried so bad this weekend I felt like I was going over the deep end.

He losted out, he might not realize it yet but he had a very good life. I was a good wife to him and he let his "lust" ruin what was a good thing.

I will always have a clear conscience and I can look in the mirror with out regret. He on the other hand lost respect from everyone, yes he is doing the right thing by not turning his back on his other child but at what price.

I have to move on or I will not make it. I go to my first support group tonight. I hope it helps, I need to be around people who understand my feelings and not say "be strong or he's not worth it". I know what I have to do it's just hard trying to go through my every day life.

I'm scared!! I'm alone!! I'm angry!!

I have to push passed these emotions or I can see myself never getting out of bed. Plus who wants to be around someone who is miserable all the time. I can see some of my friends and family getting tired of the same conversation all the time. (why me? my life is over)

My boys need their mother to be their mother and not a slobbering idiot who cries all the time. I hope I can do this but again I don't have a choice.

I feel like I have to learn not to love and care for someone that has been a big part of my life. I need to learn to unlove him, does this make sense?

I think I need the 12 step program because I am doing this cold turkey and I need all the support I can get.

I am still going to my therapist every 2 weeks
I am going to try this support group
I started a journal
I read everything I can get my hands on
I will take a class in the fall
I want to train for a 1/2 marathon in Oct.
I will try to eat better (bought fruit and easy things to swallow)
I will NOT have contact with stbxh unless absolutely necassary. (I think I can handle it but brings me way down after)
I am going to paint inside my house with color and not white (his choice)

Thank you all for just being here.

I'll let you know how tonight goes.

LJ

lj,
Yes, this all makes PERFECT sense to me. Everything you have written resonates so deeply in me. Especially where you write that you feel you need to learn to 'unlove' someone you have loved for so long. I still struggle with that. I think I've come to believe that I have to surrender ALL those feelings for my XH to God and truly believe that God will change my heart according to his will. I do totally believe God wants what is best for me, therefore it follows that he will transform my heart into a safe place for me. A place where I can be true to God and myself. The trick of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> is remembering this, over, and over, and over again.

All your feelings and thoughts and emotions are perfectly normal! Don't forget that. And remember above all that your worth as a loving human being comes completely from GOD, not your spouse, or anyone else for that matter.

I'll continue to keep you in my prayers. Hang in there; you WILL survive this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Stop being so rough on yourself. You should be grieving your lost. I know family and friends don't understand, they just want you to stop crying. Your lost is great.

The sad part is that if your husband had died your friends and family would be more patient with your tears and talking about the same things all the time. I finally had to tell my family I was grieving my lost and it was right for me to cry. I did start giving my tears to the one person that could do something about my pain, Jesus. I cried out to Him.

How long will you cry? As long as you need to. It is part of the process and it is OK.
My husband left 3 and half years ago and I still have crying spells and I am not divorced, praise God. My husband and I get along great and do things together. We have rebuilt our friendship. I know we will back together soon. All this and I STILL have days were I miss him and cry a lot.

This doesn't mean you will be crying three years from now. God led me down the path of restoration. There has been a lot of waiting and perseverance in my case. With this comes a lot of tears. I know it will all be worth the journey soon. My tears have changed me and brought me closer to the Lord.

I hope this helps you.

gentle

LJ,
Glad you posted, I had been wondering where you were. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I think you have to make yourself make goals or else you will get lost in the despair of it all. Sometimes I have to make myself go places and do things or else I will just sit at home and never do anything. I would never get on with my life that way.

Let me tell you about my 23rd Anniversay (May 31)...My husband had never forgot our anniversary in all these years and even since he left he has bought me a card for every occasion (Valentine's, Easter), but come our anniversary this year, I didnt hear from him that day or weekend or for 2 weeks after for that matter. Then again, what exactly did I expect for him to say or do??? I was not sure. What I did feel was a great relief. I had been dreading the day for some time before that. Dreading what would or wouldn't happen. I spent the day rearranging MY bedroom and I took the kids to see Nemo (my kids are older but still love a good kid movie). Somewhere along the activities of the day, I made a decision... The hurt had become too much, I had to start Plan B and I havent looked back. At this point I actually dread his phone calls (kids or house related). I am fine as long as I dont have to see him or talk to him. Funny thing is, I have figured out how to get things fixed around the house (by friends or relatives), but when he gets wind of it, it drives him crazy. It actually makes him mad if I find someone else to fix something for me... Like the lawnmower. My son told him weeks ago that it was stuck in gear and he couldnt get it out. The minute he finds out that my brother is coming to work on it, he appears at the house to fix it. I dont get it. Anyway, I had myself worked into a tizzy and it wasn't near as bad as I had invisioned.

To keep myself busy... well, let's see... I (with friends and family) put up a fence in the back yard for my puppy (husband really blew up over that one). I made a new flower bed and reworked 2 more. I have planted a bunch of hanging baskets and hung them on my front and back porches. I have read tons of books, to save my marriage, to let go, to move on, to work on myself. I have found this new passion for mowing the lawn with a push mower (1/2 acre)... it is great stress relief. I also did a mosiac table, busting up all that tile was good for anger management. My son and I are now cleaning out the garage (where my husband had his boat). We have decided it will make a good extra area for friends to hang out and to put his drum set out there (it is air conditioned). I still have a list a mile long of things to do. I also walk a mile every night, sometimes with family, sometimes alone. With all of this came the extra bonus of losing 60 lbs (I feel so much better).

So dont give up LJ, you just have to find what it is to help bring you peace in your life. Once you can find just a little bit, it seems to come easier every day. My pastor has been a huge help in this matter also. In fact, I gave up my counseling sessions with the IC because my pastor made a bigger difference than she did.

Oh, tonight should be interesting for me. We have a hurricane coming in, which means we need to tie down and move stuff inside...gee, I wonder if he will show up or should I make plans for other help? I will be interested in hearing how your support group goes, I have been looking for one in my area.

Hugs and prayers

My H left in Nov 1999 and I still cry.

LJ,
How did the support group go???

CLHG,

I was so nervous, I sat in my car saying I wasn't going in but pushed myself in the door. I was 1 of 10 newbies so I was really shocked, my imagination had me being the only one.

Funny how are mind makes things worse then they really are. It was really just an orientation about how the program works and then you had to sign up for a group which consist of no more than 15 people. They separate you by where you are in recovery Levels 1,2 and 3.

I was put in level 1 (in crisis) they also separate people by their circumstance divorce/separated are together and death of spouse are put in another group.

They seem to know what they are doing I could have rolled my eyes are few times, like I had to wear a name tag and I felt like screaming a few times but kept myself in check. I was surprised how many people were there and sad that we all had some crisis to deal with.

So I never got into a group that night but hopefully next week things will start rolling. I left my house at 6:00 and it took about 25 minutes to get there it was a nice drive but when I got home it was 9:00 and the evening was almost over.

I didn't sit in the house by myself for another night so just for that reason it was good for me. I have to keep busy or I will fall in that ugly hole again. I won't let that happen, I have to get control. I HAVE TOO!

Stbxh called today because son called him to say the new lawn mower doesn't work and he and I don't have a clue on what to do. He will come by and look at it and return it if need be. I will make sure I am not home. I wish I could handle these things without having to call him (or son calling him) but I guess that will be the next step, I keep forgetting baby steps.

I just do so much better with NC and I am on day 2 without a tear after almost 3 weeks of crying. I called a girl from work who is single and we are going to dinner tomorrow night. I'm moving on!!

Thanks for caring!

LJ

LJ,
I know what you mean by getting along better with NC. We had the hurricane coming in and I knew H would be calling last night.... sure enough the phone rang not long after I got home from work. I asked my son to answer it, but H wanted to talk to me. He asked what I was going to do about the hurricane (I have lived in Texas all my life, I know what to do), so I proceeded to tell him what I knew I needed to do. He said he would come out and help me, I told him I thought that my son and I could handle it, but made the mistake of asking if we had a chain saw that worked. I had a tree limb that needed to be taken down or else a good wind would land it on my brand new fence (probably would make him happy). SO then he insisted that he would be out as soon as he ate dinner. I said OK. Then about 30 minutes later he called and asked our son if he really needed to come out? My son asked me and I told him NO! Then my H calls my daughter and tells her he offered to come out but I refused. He loves to do that, make it look like it is me with the problem. My daughter asked me why I refused... I told her because I needed to do it for myself for one thing and for another he said he was coming then called back again to see if he needed to, that tells me he really didnt want to. She understands. My uncle came over and took the tree limb down. Me and my son took care of all the other things that could possibly fly off.

I too don't understand alot about lawnmowers and things of that nature. His problem is that I have become very good at figuring out who can help me with those things (friends / relatives). As soon as he finds out someone is going to work on something he suddenly appears to fix it, even though he might have known about it needing repair for some time. I guess he feels threatened by that, but why? He is the one who doesnt want to be here. He is the one who was tired of working on things around the house all the time. I dont get it.

I am glad you made it to the meeting. I have been looking for one called "Divorce Care" in my area. They had several listings on the internet, but so far I have not been able to reach the contact person of the ones in my area. They are held at local churches, faith based (non denominational). Is the one you found something like that? I am looking forward to hearing of your progress. Maybe I will find one soon.

Hugs and Prayers

Hi lj

There are a lot of words of wisdom in these posts.

for me, I can tell you this much...it hurts all the time and will hurt for a long time I've no doubt..but do you know how I was able to stop him from "controlling" me? I forgave him. I was in church one night with the pastor talking about forgiveness. I'm not an overly religious person, but this message had to be for me.... Forgive him? I thought, HECK NO! This man tore my family apart, did all these bad things.... But you know what? I did it!! I just sat and prayed and forgave him. And then...I felt such peace and freedom. Yeah, I still feel sad and lonely sometimes, but I don't cry over him any more. I pray for him, because I know that inside he isn't happy either. And I also believe we reap what we sow! He will regret what he has done some day, but by then, I hope I am completely over him!

Hang in there.