Not sure if it is the time of year or I am regressing. I am feelin so alone. I hate being single....It is to me, the worst way to live. I have no kids, no pets, no regular person in my life and it stinks.

I don't seem to have much contact with friends lately and I wonder if it is because summer keeps everyone so much more busier. I am even struggling with coming home from work. The thought of an empty home is bringing me down.

I joined a country club pool for the summer and I love to swim and I am there alot....all by myself. I have asked a couple of friends to join me but not many like to swim. I have not heard from a good friend who really helped me through the worst of this infidelity crisis. I e-mailed another with no response. I don't seem to have the right friends. Most are all married and some have children so there time is so limited. Even a couple of single friends I know are maxed out with constantly doing things.

I know I probably need to venture out with some new activities but I don't seem to have the drive I used to. I used to be so driven and always tryng new things and wanting to do more and more and more. I lost that. I do feel like a half of a person. And I am getting tired of doing things alone.

I have two grown sons and they are very happy and busy with their own lives and sons do not keep in contact with moms like daughters do. I really try hard to not feel neglected by them cause I know they have to live their own lives....not mine. I usually am the one who contacts them. They call me sometimes but it isn't consistent.

I am fighting feelings of being insignificant and not being liked or even loved. I feel so unloved and want to get beyond these feelings so any thoughts from you all will help.

TW

Hi Tossed Wave -

I am so sorry you are feeling lonely. I hate that feeling. Sometimes I like being alone, but I never like being lonely!

I have three young children (6,4,2) and my role is to be their mother. I throw everything I have into that, sacrificing a lot. But they go to their dad's house two weekends a month, and when they go, it feels so empty in my house. My role is gone! When I was married and worked, I had lots of roles. I was wife, mother, and Director of the Montessori School. Now I am just mother, and when I don't have that role, I find I flounder a bit at first. Of course I am still daughter, sister, friend, child of God........but it still seems very weird. So I understand where you are coming from.

Here are a few things that I have tried that have really helped me not feel lonely. Some may not work for you, but maybe you can get an idea.

*Joined a tennis league. I LOVE tennis, and never made time before. Now I have matches every Thursday night, with fun women on my team.
*Joined a co-ed softball team. I am not so great at softball, but it was really fun.
*Agreed to be on the board of directors at my daughter's preschool
*Volunteered at Room at the Inn (homeless program at my church)
*Tried to do something nice for someone else. (Could be simple - today I helped my sister organize her closets and hauled all her extra clothes to my house for her, as she is on crutches.) This takes the emphasis off of me, and onto someone else.
*Exercise regularly (Pilates, walking/bike riding along the river walk, hiking, tennis...)
*Write in my journal a lot, specifically thinking about what I DO have that is positive.
*Joined a bible study that I really enjoy.
*Started selling on ebay. I think this is really fun and it helps me live on much less than I've lived on before!

You may have tried some of these things or some may not sound appealing, but hopefully something might work for you. I think we have to recognize a couple of things. One is that we are all going to be lonely sometimes. That is just how it is given our situations. As long as we don't allow it to overcome us, it is ok to feel this way occasionally. Another is to realize that this is the situation God has given me. This is where I am at. So I can either accept it and do my best with it, or I can feel sorry for myself that I am suddenly divorced and displaced and not work to make it better. Maybe we have to work through some of the feeling sorry for ourselves part, but I decided a long time ago that I am not going to let my husband's betrayal define me. I feel like I'm talking too much about me here, when what I really wanted to do was encourage you. I hope you are able to feel better about things and find some things that will help you fight the loneliness. Thinking of you!
Krista

Hey Tossed Wave,

Just wanted you to know you are not alone...and I know you have many friends here!!!!!

I sometimes feel like that also--usually when my older daughters have gone out and the little ones are at their fathers.

Since the divorce, we have acquired 2 cats, a dog, and now a bird. Our pets really keep me company when everyone is gone. Of them all, the parakeet is the greatest. He is fun and not very much work. He loves it when we come home and starts chattering away. We have him so that he will go on our finger and now we are trying to train him to talk. Can you have pets where you are?

I do think the best way to beat lonliness, is to get involved in something....do you like quilting? How about reading---I think it would be fun to start a book chat club. I used to belong to one in NH. It was a lot of fun. I would like to have time to do something like that--but unfortunatly, the kids keep me to busy. Exercise is a great lonliness buster too. Will keep you in my prayers. Take Care Pat

tossed,

Wanted you to know that you are not the only one that feels this way!!!!

It's been bad at my house this week, son moved out a few weeks ago, YD is with her dad and OD just isn't home much!!! So have been alone alot!!! Decided to re do my kitchen cupboards. UGH!!!

I think that we feel the way we do sometimes because our aloneness is not something we chose at this time in our lives but something that we have been subjected to. So we are resentful of it!!!! Does that make sense?

Just know that you are not alone!!! There are many of us that feel that way out here. Wouldn't it ber cool to plan a MB D/D weekend for all of us, so that we could hang out, lounge around a hotel pool, and gab!!!!

Have a better weekend, Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tossed,

I so understand where you are coming from the loneliness is so hard to deal with. I like you have 2 older sons who love me dearly but just aren't there for me emotionly.

Older one doesn't live at home and I have to do most of the calling and younger one gets uncomfortable with the situation and just doesn't have the skills to deal with a crying mother.

I clean alot and walk dog and run and ..... I tried reading but mind keeps drifting. I find myself rushing home to realize there is no one there but dog. He has become my best friend!!

I wish I could give you good advise but I here time is the answer. I just try to keep going I have no choose. I hate my stbxh for the pain he has caused but I know I have to let go of that to move on.

I guess knowing your not alone in this struggle can help. I am going to my first support group on Monday, I hope that helps. I might take a class in the Fall. I have to fill these empty hours just to get by, I wake sometimes and dread having to go another day. We have to because he is not worth it.

Stay strong!!

LJ

Tossed Wave,
Reading your post and others' here has made me feel very sad, but also that I'm not alone.

I'm divorced, and I was the WS. I'm still hoping for a remarriage with my exhusband, but it looks doubtful. I was involved with OM until a year ago, so my loneliness kicked in more at that time when I ended it with OM rather than when exH and I separated in October 2000. OM was a huge distraction, even though I knew it was a huge mistake. OM never lived with me, but he was a domineering personality who took up a lot of time and energy.

Some days I simply want to cry out in my loneliness for my exhusband. Our oldest is a girl, and she rarely stays with her dad. She's here most of the time, but is busy with her things. It's not like having your partner around.

I married young, and my exh and I always had each other. It's hard, after 21 years of marriage, to start anew.

I appreciate the suggestions put here by WhoamInow. Thanks!

I agree too with the person who said they dislike coming home to an empty house. It's tough at times.

I'd also suggest getting involved in a hobby. I'm involved in an artistic hobby that keeps me busy. The people involved are almost all women, and we have meetings and things like that. THere's even many online communities of people who share my hobby.

I've also started meeting up with co-workers (all female) once a month for dinner. That helps.

I should get involved at church, as I used to be when married--pre affair--but I haven't done that yet. In many ways I feel I want to shelter myself from people, especially men! (My divorce was final almost a year ago) I have no interest in dating, and it's still hard to accept that I'm divorced.

Don't know if I've helped, but know that you're not alone in your feelings.

One other thought--some churches have divorce recovery groups. I've heard they're a great way to meet people, and get active, and learn! Also, a friend of mine was in Parents Without Partners. I've thought of going, but I'm not interested yet in meeting people, if that makes sense.

God Bless,
H_P

Thanks everybody for being there!!!! Great suggestions and it is very comforting to know someone can relate. That is what support is all about.

After I posted last night, I just cried and cried and had a major talk with God. Told him I was sorry cause I needed to live in the now----not the what used to be. I told God I had a huge hole in my heart and he had to fill it cause I won't make it if He doesn't. I asked God to keep the Accuser away from me cause he finds satisfaction in makin me feel so worthless. Then I listed all I have and am thankful for. I asked God to help me wake up in the morning and feel His love and to be content.

Well----I did wake up in a better frame of mind. And funny thing is, my devotional time was in the book of Ecclesiates. Well, talk about stuff jumping out at you. Boy did that speak to me.

Everything is chasing the wind. Solomon who had 1,000 wives and more money than anyone and had every imaginable material thing was discontented and disillusioned when he looked to these temporary things to give him contentment and meaningfulness. It is a great read.

WhoamInow---your suggestions were great. I LOVE to swim---that is why I joined a pool. I lap swim and it truly kicks those endorphins in. I am gonna call on Mon cause I have always wanted to volunteer at a theater for live performances as an usher. So that is my next goal. I also am gonna take a Music Appreciation course to try to finally get a Bachelor's degree. I am very involved at my church as an usher, secretary of the Board, Adult SS teacher, leader of a Bible study in my home and sundries other little jobs. It is important to keep busy and connect with people.

MNM---we are not supposed to have pets at this apartment but I am gonna get a guinea pig. I do think it is ok to have birds but I am having trouble making a decision as to what I will get. I have 2 cats at my former marital residence and I still have the financial responsibility for them.

I have all these good goals and get pyched at times to do some of these things but then I lack the motivation.

daybreak--- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that we feel the way we do sometimes because our aloneness is not something we chose at this time in our lives but something that we have been subjected to. So we are resentful of it!!!! Does that make sense?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES!!! YES!!!! YES!!!! Also your suggestions about the MB get together is so awesome. I was thinking today if only there was someplace where single people could just hang out without the intention of finding a date or whatever. I just need to meet people who are single.

lj1122---sorry your boys are not a support but they do love their dad, too. They would not be the right ones to lean on. Do your boys see their dad??

HP---you and lj1122 both suggested a divorce support group. I would love to start one at my church....it is so needed. I will start to pray about that.

I am feeling better and had a great day swimming and reading. It was so gorgeous out and breezy today. I love a summer breeze---it is so refreshing. thanks again for your caring support and prayers. Ecclesiates says that two are better than one. When one falls, the other can pick you up.

I feel picked up.

TW

Hi TW - I can't add anything to your post because everyone already had such good suggestions and such insight. I can only say that I find it strangely comforting to know that I am not the only one who feels that ache of emptiness when I open the door at night to a house that is not yet a "home", like home used to be. I pray that day will come. For all of us. God is "growing" us in a way we never anticipated, and I don't understand, but someday I will. Please know that you are never truly alone. Your posts have always been a source of strength to me, your comments always relevant, and you are much appreciated!

Broken---thanks for your comment. Just knowing I have encouraged someone is a great shot in the arm.

You have helped me, too, and really appreciate all your insights.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when I open the door at night to a house that is not yet a "home", like home used to be. I pray that day will come. For all of us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray with you for a home-like feeling. I often wonder how God made me----why I can't fit into the single lifestyle. There are some people who can and enjoy being single. That baffles me.

Thanks for your encouragement to me,

TW

I am also feeling very alone. It's only a month since H told me he wanted a divorce, and not quite a week since he moved out of the house. My mom is visiting, but leaves tonight, so now I will have to face being alone in the house tonite. I have never lived alone, in my whole life (I am 45).

Part of me is scared to be here alone, in case of burglers/ax murderers? But I know I have to face this, I have no choice. And realistically, no one has broken in to the house for the 2.5 years we lived here, so there is no reason to think it would happen now.

I am grateful that I got a job so fast. I only work 2-3 days a week, but it's so nice to have somewhere to go. The job involves hard work, but it's a beautiful environment, and the people are nice. It's refuge each time I go, then I'm tired afterwards... a good thing.

I am also grateful for my housecats, who are so dear to me. They snuggle me, and give me affection and love. It means I'm not totally alone when I come home. They snuggle me at night, and sit on my lap when I watch TV.

And I found a sweet church to go to, I am really glad I did. But I need to find people to do things with. I have such a hard time initiating those kinds of things.

There is no divorce support group going on until the fall, I sure wish there was, I feel like I really need that. I wish there was a way to just find other people, just to eat dinner with, or something-- not date, not drink, just people you could meet for dinner.

Squeak---so sorry your long-term marriage is coming to an end. It is truly one of the most painful things in this life.

Glad you have the housecats....they are so loving. I had to leave mine behind at the marital residence and I miss them.

Letting go and trusting God for protection is our only recourse. Do what you can to make your home secure and safe then rest in God's care.

You are doing all the right things---job, church, and upcoming divorce support group. You WILL make it and so will I.

TW

Tossedwave - the loneliness is part of the pattern we had all those years together as a unite. Then the unite was no more. YOu are feeling the unwhole, the 1/2 empty, the unworthiness of yourself.

Don't get down on yourself. You will make it, like those of us who are in the same position. Do you work, if not why not try something parttime. Or do some volunteer work at the school this fall in reading with those that are a little behind, or volunteer at the hospital. Volunteer work is wonderful, cause the people will thank you and you will feel much better.

You are swimming, which is good. Exercise increases the endorphins which help the state of mind you are in.

So you mentioned that you need to make new friends. What is in your area, that you could do to make this easier. As you get older it is harder to make new frineds. Everyone has slowed down from teenage hood. Everyone has become set in their patterns.

Have you thought about taking a class of somesort. Or a karate class or something of that type. What about training for dogs. You could be a volunteer at the training center for dogs. Or volunteer at the humane society. There is a great deal of need for volunteers for the elderly, and that is something that I am going to do with a friend of mine. We are doing a kaliedoscope project, and I will be helping for the 4 hours with senior citizens. Plus the time I will put in prior to cutting and getting the materials ready for them.

There is much for you to do. My goal is to work on myself, and get myself back together. My x-husband destroyed my self-esteem with his comparing me sexually to the otherwoman, and telling me to go to my GYN to get checked out. My GYN was appalled at this, and said if he was a man he would of came. But he said he didn't want to, so he was not a caring man. Anyways, that will be in my mind for a very long time. Cause I was devasted by his unthoughtfulness, cause he told me it was just biology. Yeah, biology, and then he had the nerve to tell the bimbo how inadequate I was.

Anyways, things like this reduced our selfesteem so low. It is hard to get ourselves up, when we have no one to share our emotional status with. I know, I am there, and having a hard time getting through these feelings without feelings of worthliness.

Some of us are more sensitive then otheres. Am I know that I am much more sensitive than my x-husband. That was one of the things that he liked about me, but now finds it distasteful. It is hard to overcome these harse words and stateements made by the person you gave your life and body to.

Work on yourself and be with God. God will help us all find our path and find our life. Our spouses will get their return in the end. And I know that my x-husband is not showing christian words to me or my kids. He has been invited to my church, but he says it is not for him.

Finding a good church is important. And it is good that you have devotional time each morning. Pray for yourself, there is nothing wrong with praying for yourself. That was another part of my life that I was always giving to others and praying for others. I finally am starting to put words in for myself, and find my words need to be heard.

I do cry a lot by myself. I find walking my dogs and talking with God really helps. I can let the wind carry my words up to God. I let my dogs lick my face of wet tears. And I lay on the grass by the pond and let the tears poor out, and get myself composed before I get back to the house. I do fairly well, until the x comes over. I wish he would stay away forever for now. And just leave me alone. But he is a controller, and controllers want to have their digs in on the victim. I used to enable this man to dig me, but no more. I talk back to him, I tell him I am not ready to talk and hang up. This is my home, and I will talk when I am ready. In emergency we can talk. But nothing else will be said. Cause I am dealing with a controlling, procrastinator. Can't deal with him anymore, and no use in it. He is set in his dooming marriages.

Outside is a world of caring loving people. Look into yourself and find yourself first.