I have been a faithful husband for 11 years. I even survived an affair my WW had for 9 months in 96. I thought all was fine and that we were Okay, even with her traveling out of town 2 nights a week for her job. It all changed last May when I discovered she has been having an affair with her boss, 13 years her junior. She still denies it, even after I caught her in numerous lies, and found the all telling emails between them. I couldn't live with her lies when they kept me from sleeping, eating and functioning. I filed and moved out. She is still in denial that this is happening. She wants to hold on to the house and assests until "I give in and return." I can't do it, I realize cheating has been her life pattern and at 40, I don't want to waste anymore good love and commitment on the wrong one for me. I am determined to go through with this, I just need some "emotional support" from you all with the same situations. Thanks for this site!

I don't know about the laws in your state but in CA if you move out you are at a real disadvantage. If you truly want to go through with this. The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. I'm all for trying to make things work if that's possible but life is to short to put up with someone who won't make the effort. I just got divorced at 40 after 18yrs and my life is overall much better. Do what you need to do and take care of yourself first.

Have you two tried counseling, and working on emotional needs. She needs to be honest, and if she is not honest, get the PI and bring the source of her contact to her nose, and then see what happens. The wayward spouse is in such denial, selfishness, and not caring about you. This will continue on till they see the light. To divorce is difficult. I am divorced as last month, for one month. I will not say it is easier, but it is better knowing that he is not on me all the time. Coercing me with ugly words, unthougthfulness, and now the kids can see that things are going to be really tough.

I miss the man I married, but who he is not, is not the man I married. He is by the way that fell for a bimbo of a woman who this was her 2nd sexual affair in her marriage of 28 years. She dumped him, and he dumped me. But I am okay with that. I didn't want to live with a man denying his lies, cheating and dishonesty. When and if he ever comes out of the dark selfish mode, maybe something can be accomplished.

Please look into making a go of this marriage. God hates marriage, and it is not going to be easy for a long time. There is plenty of hurt between the two of you and plenty of pain. It does get easier as time goes on, but if one could turn the clock back, many of us would of seen the marriage and its problems and helped the marriage. Your wife is not getting something met, emotional need of some sort. Why don't you two sit down and talk awhile about what you loved in each other in the beginning when you dated. Find out what you thought the two of you saw in each other. And start from there. And with counseling. There are very good counselors out there. Find one that takes notes, and one that really listens. One that has a plan, so when you come in the next session, there was homework, and talk and the two had to work at homework. If anyone thinks all marriages just slide through, they are nuts. The Harleys talk about the times they had, and how each one of them gave to the other. That is waht marriage is about, give and take. There is no marriage out there that has not been a marriage of work. NOT ONE!!!!! Work on your marriage, and try with 100% committment. Get your wife to work, and get a 100% committment fromher. Good luck. You came to the right boards. And keep what some of the people here say with a grain of salt. Get the Harley books, and read them. Do a Plan A. Take Care.

I appreciate the advise, but I have already tried Plan A, for years. We have been to Marriage Counslers, but she never faces the real issues, only the symptoms. This has been my Wifes lifelong pattern, even in a previous 10 year marriage she admitted to me she cheated. I can't change her after she/s been this way for 46 years. I am just having problems dealing with the loneliness, and fear of the future. I have spent the last 11 years married and faithful. I just don't know what to do with myself I guess.
Thank you for reading and posting everyone.

My advice is to see a therapist who can help you deal with your emotional issues. I am sorry to see you in this situation but you need to believe that there is life after divorce.

Betrayed,

Just posting to offer my suppport. Here's a suggestion: Find a divorce support group, and attend their meetings.

I think you are very brave. It's not right to live a lie, to compromise yourself. Your wife has broken her vows, broken the marriage covenant. Life will get better for you.

Thanks Belle,
Here is the funny thing though. A friend of mine and I have ran an ad on the local cable to organize a Divorce Support Group. We are in a town of only about 9,000 people, and even with all of the divorces and infidelity going on around here we've had no response! I don't know if their afraid or what! When and if we do get a group together we will probably sit here at the shop and get online with marriage builders for support! Until then it's just me and all of you folks! Thanks so much for this site!

Betrayed----there is a lot of support here. I, too, wish that I could find a divorce support group cause it would be a way of getting to know some single people. Mostly all my friends are married and busy with their families so I know exactly what you are going through. You now have the equivalent of a major empty nest. Living all by yourself after living with a spouse is just an amazing challenge. I do not like it but it is better than being betrayed, lied to, watching the sneaking around and the indifference to committed marriage.

Just keep growing and learning about yourself so no matter what happens in your new life you will know who you are and what your needs are. Then maybe someday you will find someone who you can learn what her needs are. Just try to recover from this crisis before you venture into the world of dating. Emotions are tricky and can be so deceiving if you don't understand yourself.

TW

Thanks Tossed,
You sure have that right it is tuff being alone after 1/4 of my life has been with someone. It's like they say Divorce is as traumatic as a death in the family. Most of my friends are married too, so I know what you mean. My Wife and I used to do alot of things together, garage sales, flea markets, gardening, working on the house. But I realize she had another life apart from that with someone else. Our "togetherness" didn't feel sincere the last year or so, I felt I was only being "humored" and used to complete the restoration of our home. Tired of sharing the person I was devoted to. I haven't soured on "All Women", I don't generalize. Actually I think My Wife had more of the mans role and I was a "Milquetoast" and had the part of the woman. I guess I was a "Good Hearted Man in Love with a Good timin' Woman!" Oh well, I hope to preserve this Love that I gave for the right person when they come into my life. I'm not looking for it, but it would be nice if I didn't have to wait for another 10 years. These are scary times to be single. But also scary times to be with a cheating spouse! Thanks for the support all...

most churches are doing divorce recovery groups
for support it is a good place to go..safe too,
you will learn at the same time and get better
emotionally..check your local newspaper listen to a christian radio station in your area..they announce the churches that have special things like the groups..most meet wed..or thurs..so check with the church of your choice call them..

there are other things.do you like boating..
go take a class on boating..
join a sailing club
join the YMCA
go play basketball
join a softball league
join a bowling leauge..

don't sit home get out

get a bike go ride around the bay
meet people..have fun..
take care..
stop sitting home there will be plenty of years left to sit around..
for now go and see stuff go to local zoo
museams..there are lots of things to do, it is a matter of finding out what interests you.

go back to school..
take an art class..

tutor someone to read..this is a rewarding thing..

enjoy giving back to your community..

go to promise keepers meeting..
Keep on Keeping on...

GO FLY A KITE!!!

I am the wife of this person. Here is the other 1/ 2 that was not revealed. Whirlwind
romance. I was independent, single attractive woman who owned my own home and a 16
year career under my belt. He and his 8 year old son moved in from his Mothers trailer
from a small town to a large city. Yes, I knew he had emotional and financial problems
and was a heavy drinker. That did not matter, I was willing to take this step. He was a
good hearted man. However, instead of trying to move ahead in his normal routine of his
past, this became so much easier for him. He had a live in baby sitter, a financial income
that did not require motivation and the ease of bars within a few blocks of home. After
about 20 times of wondering where he was when I got home from work, and his son was
there, saying numerous excuses either Dad is across the Street ( yes drinking in the home
with the wife, alone) Dad will be back real soon, on and on. Well I finally had it. I found
out one night where he was, AT the Bar, I took his son down to the bar, and he saw me
pull up. I dropped his son off with him and told him to baby-sit your son yourself. This
drinking CONSTANTLY occurred. He continued to accuse me of stepping out, which
was not true. He made little or no attempt to try to get out of the drinking rut. I got FED
UP. I filed for Divorce and did step out to an “old flame”, just as this BtrayedHsbnd did a
couple of days ago (which I will tell you about later) and “That” old flame did not turn
out to be the “security and relief” I thought would be there.

From that time to now, it has been a constant battle with trying to prove to him I am not
having an affair. Now mind you, during this time he has kept on drinking, having friends
come to his place of business, getting so drunk either coming home wee hours in the AM
or not at all. ALL the while I was in the home with his son and he knowingly this hurt
both of us. He was out drinking with his buddies the night of his sons prom. He promised
his son the truck to go to the prom. Well no sight of BtrayedHsbnd,, until the next day.
So his Son did not get to go to the prom. BtrayedHsbnd decided to disappear for 3 days in
a row in May, which happened to include the day his sons Graduated from High School.

BtrayedHsbnd had a PI follow me and found nothing. He found a dinner receipt that I
paid for dinner with my boss and there from that moment on was “affair”. He called my
boss in the middle of the night 7 times within a couple of days, his estranged wife of who
they were trying to get things worked out. A hell of a time.

The Old Flame incident I mentioned earlier, he had been chatting with, telling all of our
problems to (along with MANY MANY other people) happened to be married. I found
this out by BtrayedHsbnd. He was talking to me alcohol induced. He told me enough for
me to be able to find out who she was. I searched the Internet and found her and her
husbands information. I called her husband the next morning and filled him in on what
was going on. Come to find out, her husband DID know that an old high school friend
has been emailing her, but that was about it. I gave him the information I had and he took
it from there. According to BtrayedHsbnd his old flame told him the same day I called
her husband, I called her husband and told him and she felt so bad about hurting her
husband. That affair ended that day (supposedly).

Now, even with all of this this, I still love him and want this to work and I am willing to
work on this, but as this site states “the drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from
resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before
marital therapy has any hope of being successful.”

Not guilty of affair

There are always *two* sides to every story.
It does take *two*
Sometimes i wonder,,,
Just how many times should we forgive and forget?

I heard Joyce Meyer preach a sermon on forgiveness the other night on Television. She referred to the passage where Jesus tells not to forgive seven times, but seventy times seven.

Well that comes out to four hundred ninety times, but that isn't what he meant. The message was that we must keep forgiving for as many times as it takes to get the job done.

That is how many times we should forgive. As many times as it takes to get the job done.

Until you both claim responsibility for your actions and stop pointing the finger of blame at each other nothing will work.
Read Dr. Phil.
Read Harville Hendrix.

Aly

This is confusing to me. This member posted this advice to another member:

Member # 25628
posted July 30, 2003 05:26
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being in love is a choice, we have more power to make that choice if we root ourself in
the present. If one gives with an open heart, and he or she gives to you, it won't be
difficult to fall back in love- feelings of love or in love fluctuate in all relationships. They
come and they go. A mariage that lasts over time is dependent upon loving, not
necassarily being *in love* The same choice to hate, and or resent, primarily is due
because one focuses on just the negative.
Marriages, as do any relationships require a lot of forgetting and firgiving!!!
Marriages should be 100% to 100%.
I think you should be focusing on your local listings for a MC (marriage counselor) in
your area (positive) opposed to (negative) divorce.The tunnel vision maybe acquired, due to the fact you now have something *new*. A
new high. Affairs do not last!!! Your commitment is suppose to be to your marriage, yes
as God is your witness. Get rid of the boyfriend!! IS your first move. Fair!? Is life fair?Get your *family* into counselling,,,,,,,
Just my two cents.
*the web we weave*

Then the same member sent this post to a completely different member 13 minutes later

Member # 25628
posted July 30, 2003 05:39 AM
--------------------------------------------------
There are always *two* sides to every story.
It does take *two*
Sometimes i wonder,,,
Just how many times should we forgive and forget?
Member # 25628
posted July 30, 2003 05:39 AM
--------------------------------------------------
I am just curious how advice could flip flop from the same member. I am on here to try to get a handle on my situation and see what others have done in similar situations.I may be under the wrong Forum for the advice I need.

Notguilty,

Have you read the Marriage Builders basics? It might be helpful so we all are on the same page.

Well the other party responded to my posting: anyone have any comments. I commented to Her.

Junior Member
Member # 29298

posted July 31, 2003 10:31 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NotGuilty,

Please let me say, I'm "the FLAME" you accuse of befriending your husband. You might notice my name, "600 miles away" (that's a clue). I'm sorry you felt compelled to bring my husband and family into your mess. Let me remind you, they are also "600 miles away". My husband knows about my friendship, we are completely honest with each other. This honesty grows from trust, and trust is something that can't be given to someone, it must be earned. I would suggest you stop calling my husband at home and work. It's really too bad we can't be friends...I think you need a good friend. Anyway, if you would like to respond, pleae feel free to do so. I look forward to hearing from you. As far as I can tell, talking with people over the internet about intimate feelings is what this site is all about. It helps to talk to others sometimes, which is exactly what we did (600 miles away)!
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Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2003 | IP: Logged |

Notguilty
Junior Member
Member # 29236

posted July 31, 2003 08:16 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
600 miles away----

You and my H started this and you and my H brought your family in and you and my H caused your own family problems. According to your H, you were not completely honest, since I filled him in on most of the conversations which also included talk about your "time of the month". I will continue to call your H at work and home and keep him informed of this internet and phonline affair as long as it goes on. Thanks but no thanks, I have my own friends. No, "intimate feelings" are not to be discussed, hurt feelings and feelings they are going thru, intimate feelings are what You and my H discussed and what you both were wishing for when you went to your sisters wedding. What you and my H did is MORE than what I did with my boss. But, go ahead and accuse me of the affair, I am sure it will make you both feel like YOUR affair is justified.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Notguilty and Betrayed Husband,
I replied to another post that you were both writing in and feel compelled to write again.

First of all, Notguilty, you said "perhaps I am in the wrong forum."

Honey, you are in the wrong forum! You should, in fact, not be in any of these forums and neither should Betrayed Husbands. You two should be in your Bibles, in church, and in prayer, not telling people, strangers, each other's faults and sins! This is slander and gossip.

It does not matter that it makes you "feel good" to talk about it. It is obvious to me that no, it does not make you feel good. You are both angry, hurt, bitter, etc... all pretty normal in this situation. I've been there too as I also am divorced (and seeking reconciliation with my husband whom I love dearly).

I already said alot in the other post but I don't think you should be here. I think you are both disobeying God in various ways. You should also not be seeking the advice and input from people but from GOD!! GOD! These people here, as wonderful as they might be, do not know God's will for you. He will show you His will as YOU seek Him in prayer, in the Word, in fasting. But spreading each other's sins like this is wrong.

Do you remember Noah and how he got drunk and naked after the Flood? Well, two of his sons tried to cover up his sin but the other blabbed about it. He cursed the grandchild (Ham) of that blabbermouth son.

Look, you two need to hear this: You are doing that same thing. You are both betraying each other by spreading each other's sins on the internet to people. It is not right and God won't bless it. It will only do more damage.

I just feel you shouldn't be here. I feel that you should be in your Word, in church, and in prayer, and also that you two need to stop any and all affairs, forgive each other, love each other, and restore your marriage!!!! You BOTH need to repent and seek the Lord and start loving each other. Both of you!

Get on your knees and pray and confess your sins to the Lord so that He will have mercy on you and heal you! Stop hurting each other, stop betraying each other's trust... every time you reveal a sin or wrongdoing about each other here, you are betraying each other's trust. You may feel you have a need to share. Go share it with GOD!! And maybe with a very godly pastor who is supportive of your marriage. But beyond that, you need to guard your tongue because the tongue is untamable and the Bible says that when its out of control, it's like a raging fire, and there is a raging fire in here that needs to be put out!

Look, there IS hope for your marriage!! I hear love and sorrow in both your voices. I don't think either of you are happy about the divorce. You both feel hurt, you both feel lied to, you both feel betrayed. You both need to forgive. You both need to show compassion to each other. You both need to respect one another. You both need to ask God to help you and you both need to seek Him.

He can heal your marriage. He can do all things. You both need to be willing. I hope you will be because there is hope for your marriage!

NotGuilty,,
I'm sorry for the confusion,,,
My wondering is about IF it take two,
As for forgiving and forgetting, to this day, i forgive, and forget.

I understand your opinions, and beliefs. I have sought Gods help through prayer and scripture. He tells us that we should keep our vows through everything, (we all know the vows.) However the Bible also tells us that there is one and only one reason for divorce, that we may choose to divorce if the spouse is unfaithful. We can choose to stay or not. I made the choice to stay once, staying now through it all over again would kill me. I truly believe God does not expect me to endure it all over again. I did not come to this forum to quarrell with my stbx. I came here for help from others experiencing the pain that I am. I began to communicate also with an old friend,"600 miles away".I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with her in any way. I even refered her and her husband to this site. I will not feel guilty in any way for having come to the conclusion that I have at this time. I have lived by the scripture and my vows, I have remained faithful, I stayed with it through the first infidelity, I cannot live with it anymore. The lies still continue even now, even when my stbx wants to save our marriage. Please respect all of what the scripture has to say on the subject of marriage, divorce and adultery.