When your kids come back from being with the other parent, do you notice different behavior from them? Every time my kids come back, I am always amazed at the difference in their behavior. They are alternately disrespectful, clingy, needy, and demanding. It is such a marked change from their normal behavior (which of course isn't perfect, but is nothing like this!) that I have to remember they are just reacting to switching parents. Maybe it has to do with how old they are - my oldest (just turned 6) talks to me in a flippant, disrespectful tone that I know she is just used to using when bantering with her 9 year old stepbrother. (Who thankfully is a really nice kid - I should know, I'm his godmother!) It goes away about by the time we make the drive home from Denver. My middle daughter (just turned 4) is very needy and demanding at bedtime. That seems to be her time when she needs me the most. I figured this out early, so make sure she gets me to herself then. My son, (2) is quite aggressive for the first few hours. Do you see different behaviors in your children, and what do you do to minimize it?

Other than that, I think my kids are doing well. It has been about 20 months since the divorce, and I think they've adjusted quite well. It will always be a battle coparenting with someone who has developed extremely different values than mine, but overall I think they are doing well. How about yours?

BS, 33
Ex H had affair w/ my best friend
He married her 4 days after our divorce was final
I have primary custody of 3 fabulous kids
God is in control of my life, and things are good!
Krista531@msn.com

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 12:54 AM: Message edited by: WhoamInow ]</small>

OMG, my dd is soooo hateful when she comes back....like suddenly dh and I are the scum of the earth. I really don't know why she acts like this but she's with him right now and I know she will be a pill tomorrow.

It's gotten a bit better as she gets older but still evident. It's maddening. In your case, I think the 4 yr old's behavior is normal--these are confusing times for them. IN fact, I think it's all normal...a lot of it just comes at those ages anyway.

As for remedies...I hate to say it but since my dd rarely has been spanked in her life, she's quite in awe of the threat of a smack. It quiets her down real quick. Sorry, I do not believe in sparing the rod...been there, done that and truly regret it.

I am not, however, advocating corporal punishment as a blanket remedy. It is just what works with dd...we did the 'talking', revocation of privileges, grounding, asking nicely..nothing worked. Now I just threaten to pop her one.

In your place, I would explain to the 6 yr old that that disrespect will not be tolerated and if continued might result in some unhappy consequences. The other two, are young and just acting on their confused emotions and need for stability. Just love them but discipline unacceptable behavior appropriately---don't let the fact that it stems from visitation sway you into letting it slide, etc.

good luck...I know it's a hard road.

My 7 year old daughter is that way occasionally.

The best thing is to just listen to them and let them get their bearings. Don't hit them with a bunch of stuff when you pick them up. Don't let them misbehave though. Say hello, don't ask them much, if anything, and wait for them to open up. Granted, my daughter is very talkative. YMMV

I don't spank. I just don't have to. This is not to say that I wouldn't, it's just that sending her to her room or removing priviledges works better. All of my friends comment on how well-behaved she is, particularly since I have primary custody after the divorce. One friend even likes to have my daughter over as she is a positive influence on their daughter. Another friend's daughter needs some work. She's just like her selfish mother. What seems to work with her best is telling her that boys don't like sloppy girls. (she eats like a pig and doesn't pay attention to her attire) I've even got her saying yes sir, no sir now. She's learning fast not to backtalk me. I don't play that game. I layed down the law early on with her. I told her that I'm not her mommie or daddy. They give into her demands. She said that I was "mean". My daughter quickly corrected her. She's learning and enjoys coming over to spend time with my daughter.

I do have anger issues, not an abuser, but I know that it's best that I minimize the amount of fuel added to the fire. (I did spank my daughter too hard once when she was young and scared the hell out of myself. I've never spanked her again.) If she misbehaves, I just send her to her room. This gives me peace and allows both of us settle down. No use adding fuel to the fire. After a while, she comes out and is in a much better mood.

In public, I call her over, look at her sternly, and in a low tone of voice tell her how things are going to be. I do not make a scene of it. One can not gain control of others if they lose control of themselves.

When it comes to discipline, it's better to create than resurrect. Lay down the law.

Never, ever, bargain with a child. You'll only teach them to bargain, backtalk, and wear you out to get what they want. If I say it, that means it's over. Now, if it's something she wants and I tell her no, I may mull it over and decide later on to give it to her. Later, like in a few days to a week. Then, it's a surprise and is appreciated.

I was one of those children of divorce. I also was one of those children who's mom cheated on their dad and married the other man.

History is repeating itself, but at least I know what to do.

Hi all -
Thanks for your responses. I don't have a real issue with discipline, as what I do seems to work fine, but I'm always glad to hear of things to try. It makes sense that they would struggle when switching parents, and I was wondering if other parents went through it too. I have found that all I normally need to do is to say "Remember the rules at home" a few times and my 6 year old gets it. The car ride from their dad's is about 50 minutes, and usually all is ok with her by the time we get home. The younger two need a bit more reminding, but mostly need time from me instead of repriminding, as their behavior is more clingy then disobeying. I guess I just needed to hear that it is normal for them to struggle at switch over time. My early childhood background says yes, but I just don't know many other divorced parents with kids. Thanks all!
Krista

BS, 33
Ex H had affair w/ my best friend
He married her 4 days after our divorce was final
I have primary custody of 3 fabulous kids
God is in control of my life, and things are good!
Krista531@msn.com

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: WhoamInow ]</small>

Krista, I know this wasn't exactly your question, but my experience is a little different. My kids act like they don't even know me! if I telephone them at their dads or I see them all together it's like they're afraid to have any reaction so they wont hurt their dad's feelings. Yesterday, I saw my ex bring both the girls to the pool at the club where I had been most of the morning golfing and he was just arriving. (it was his weekend) At first sighting, the little one's face just lit up...then, she quickly put herself in check and just nonchalantly said 'Hi Mom' The older one just kind of looked everywhere but where I was until she really had no choice but to acknowledge my presence

Please don't misunderstand, while it does hurt my feelings, I'm not sitting here boo-hooing and putting them on a quilt trip. I understand why they're doing what they do. They love us both, and they feel when they are with their dad, that all of their alliance goes with him. They take their queue from him...when he refuses to look me in the eye, and completely ignores me what message is he sending them?

They also take their queue from me when he comes to pick them up. I always try and start a friendly conversation and encourage them to act and speak naturally around him in our home and that usually works out well for him and the girls. Although sometimes I'll just hide out in my bedroom because I know he just doesn't want to look at me and let the girls visit with their dad.

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: NewDawnComing ]</small>

My girls are 4 & 6 and the 4 year old acts just like yours. We only have one "exchange of prisoners" every two weeks due to school pickups, and its not so bad yet. When we move, I expect it to be more like yours.
If you can, find a rainbows class in your area.
www.rainbows.org It's great for the kids.
I also read them Dinosaur Divorce & talk about feelings to help them verbalize their thoughts.
Good luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>When your kids come back from being with the other parent, do you notice different behavior from them?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah.

1.) I'm MEAN.
2.) They don't do ANYTHING FUN with me.
3.) They want to stay at Grandma's/Dad's (though I hear this one less often).
4.) I NEVER buy them toys or candy.

So they have their reasons. And after this past week I just spent with them, I'm hurting so much from dealing with it that I am damn tempted to send them over there for the whole f**kin summer.

They hate me. Every other damn day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>When your kids come back from being with the other parent, do you notice different behavior from them?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah.

1.) I'm MEAN.
2.) They don't do ANYTHING FUN with me.
3.) They want to stay at Grandma's/Dad's (though I hear this one less often).
4.) I NEVER buy them toys or candy.

So they have their reasons. And after this past week I just spent with them, I'm hurting so much from dealing with it that I am damn tempted to send them over there for the whole f**kin summer.

They hate me. Every other damn day.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">honey!
do you need a hug or what? i'll be right there!

my live-in almost-6 step-daughter comes back from her mother's house a totally differnet person. RUDE!!!! SNOTTY!!! MEAN!!! POOPS HER PANTS!!!! LIES!!!! HURTS HER BROTHER!!!! GIVES ME LOOKS THAT COULD KILL!!!!! DOESN"T LISTEN!!!!! WHINES!!!! and that is just a few of the Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde stunts she pulls. AND to boot, this is behavior exhibited after only two-days/every other week w/ the maternal unite.
AND now she is at her mother's for a full month!!!!!! Lord have mercy upon my soul!!!

actually, it used to be worse and would takes a full 3-5 days after a weekend to straighten the little girl out. now it takes an evening. i just remind her that she is home now, that she needs to DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU and that she needs to have pride in her every action.
BUT A WHOLE MONTH!?!?
lord have mercy
her maternal unit is on messed up chic, very insecure and very juvinile (though she is 42)
<heavy sigh>
this is after nearly 3 yrs of our custody of the angel. i have had more contact with her than her maternal unit and it does show.
she was once a very w/drawn sullen child now she is a happy outgoing child. bless her heart!

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: 2ndfiddle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2ndfiddle:
<strong>do you need a hug or what? i'll be right there!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No hugs. Just a kick in the pants.

My stories of my dealings concerning the children and Humperdinck, and his mother (who must be related to Count Rugen in some way) that are here in my posting history in bits and pieces, are enough to remind me why I don't just send them away.

If they are a pain in the neck after a week with those people, I can't imagine what a solid month would do to them.

I'm both relieved and saddended to hear many kids are struggling with transitions. I heard yesterday from my daughter "I know J. (OW, old best friend) loves me because she buys me things." You can bet we had a big talk about that one! I was careful not to say anything negative about their stepmother, but felt compelled to talk about how we show love and how material things don't bring us happiness. Me: "Did things make Madame Blueberry happy on Veggie Tales?" Ha, me quoting from the collective wisdom of animated vegetables with no arms. Who would've thought? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Krista

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2ndfiddle:
<strong>do you need a hug or what? i'll be right there!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No hugs. Just a kick in the pants.

My stories of my dealings concerning the children and Humperdinck, and his mother (who must be related to Count Rugen in some way) that are here in my posting history in bits and pieces, are enough to remind me why I don't just send them away.

If they are a pain in the neck after a week with those people, I can't imagine what a solid month would do to them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ain't getting a kick in the pants from me, m'dear, you would like it too much.

We'll send in Miracle Max and Valerie to deal with Prince Humperdink and his mother.

It does get better, really.

After my D from H#1- 13 yrs ago, my baby boy (who is now 16) would kick and scream and cry his sweet little eyes out when ever it was time for him to go and visit his father. I would have to put him in his dad's car against his will. When he got back from the weekend, he would be so w/drawn, sad, and his thumb wouldn't come out of his mouth. This would last for days. He eventually got over the fits before the visits, but would be sullen prior to. 4 yrs ago, he and his older sister (now 18) decided to go live with their dad. My son has since become very withdrawn and hides in his room when ever he is at home. Whenever they are with me, he brightens up, interacts with my family, laughs etc. but the hey of it is, he still sucks his thumb when he is alone at his dad's house, whenever he is alone with his sister, or alone with me. Should have seen that one coming. But they were old enough to make the decision to live with their dad, so.....

Divorced families are so common these days. It's become the norm. But, it is so screwy. Do kids really come out of it in one piece?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>I'm both relieved and saddended to hear many kids are struggling with transitions. I heard yesterday from my daughter "I know J. (OW, old best friend) loves me because she buys me things." You can bet we had a big talk about that one! I was careful not to say anything negative about their stepmother, but felt compelled to talk about how we show love and how material things don't bring us happiness. Me: "Did things make Madame Blueberry happy on Veggie Tales?" Ha, me quoting from the collective wisdom of animated vegetables with no arms. Who would've thought? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Krista</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am assuming that you do not try to buy your children's affection from this post. My baby girl's maternal unit tries to buy her love. This woman says she can't afford this and that, and every week there is something new. Not just trinkets, just cheap crap, oodles of useless shoes, tasteless clothes, several skanty bathing suits, junk food enough to put the kid into corinary arrest at her tender age, etc. But you know, baby girl has never acted "selfish" or "gimme gimme" when she is at home. Go figure.
Hey using cartoons as an example is a powerful tool! You sound like me! You go Girl!

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: 2ndfiddle ]</small>