My husband has two female co-workers who in the past have made some advancements towards him as well as questioning him about his feelings for me. He has never made it known to them that this sort of thing is unacceptable but I really feel that by allowing this sort of thing to go on he is demeaning me as well as our marriage. I expressed this to him and explained that I ALWAYS make it known that I am unavailable and do not leave any door open. He says that I am nagging and need to get over my "insecurity" when I try to express my feelings and makes no effort to fix the problem. To be honest I think that he likes the attention but I don't think its worth hurting someone you love. Is the really an issue of insecurity or do I have a viable reason to be upset?

Hi Chrissy and welcome to MB! <P>I saw your post this morning and thought that someone would post a reply to you by now....<P>I was curious to know if your husband considered these ladies 'flirts' instead of genuine advances for an affair of some kind.<P>As a school teacher, I have had many female students who 'hit' on me from time to time...for me it was very flattering, yet I always knew that they were just flirts. I didn't want to risk what I had at home.<P>I'll ask the same questions I always ask;<BR>Does he come home to you at nite?<BR>Does he tell you he loves you?<BR>Are you the only one he wants to 'be with'.<P>Also, how is the rest of the marriage going....what does he do that brings him in close contact with these ladies?<P>What are you up to? Is there stress anywhere?<P>I can see where some men would think that their wives might be 'nagging'. As I said, and as has been said in many other posts, men and women think differently....he may not even understand where you are coming from.<P>Let's talk about it.

First I'd like to thank you for taking the time to reply to my question. <P>As for your first question about whether or not he considers this harmless flirting or advances, he has brought them up to me as if he thought it was merely comical more that anything. He has acted as if he didn't understand some of the things that have been said and I am more analytical so I tend to point everything out to him. With this being said I should have no problem with it because he doesn't understand it anyways plus it is completely normal to be flattered as long as they never cross the line. AHHH.... crossing the line, my idea is of course much different. For me, cheating of the heart. For him, completely physical.<P>And of course, he comes home every night, lies by my side and seems happy doing so. He tells me he loves me, always points out my best features and qualities and is always wanting and willing to make love to me and only me. Not to mention that he is in the process of getting a new job so that alleviates those two women (but what about the next job?). <P>At this point you are thinking...my gosh this girls mind is like a constant tornado picking up more and more issues to be resolved. You have made some very good points and I thank you for pointing out what should be obvious. Where do I go from here?<P> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by freddyb:<BR><B>Hi Chrissy and welcome to MB! <P>I saw your post this morning and thought that someone would post a reply to you by now....<P>I was curious to know if your husband considered these ladies 'flirts' instead of genuine advances for an affair of some kind.<P>As a school teacher, I have had many female students who 'hit' on me from time to time...for me it was very flattering, yet I always knew that they were just flirts. I didn't want to risk what I had at home.<P>I'll ask the same questions I always ask;<BR>Does he come home to you at nite?<BR>Does he tell you he loves you?<BR>Are you the only one he wants to 'be with'.<P>Also, how is the rest of the marriage going....what does he do that brings him in close contact with these ladies?<P>What are you up to? Is there stress anywhere?<P>I can see where some men would think that their wives might be 'nagging'. As I said, and as has been said in many other posts, men and women think differently....he may not even understand where you are coming from.<P>Let's talk about it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I see that we are two of a kind here....My W is constantly telling me that I am over analyzing everything in our marriage. So no, I don't think your mind is like a tornado, because I know I think about all the 'what ifs' too.<P>Where do you go from here? Well, we can take only one day at a time and as a man I can deal with only one THING at a time...sooooo....when is this job change supposed to come about...will he actually be working with women that will actually desire to be with him...is he a hunk or is he like me just someone that people want to be 'friends' with? (I always hated that sooooo much! )<P>If he is happy coming home to you, laying next to you, reminding you that you are a beautiful, desirable woman to him and he is the only one he wants to make love too...I am trying to understand the problem????<P>He hasn't ever strayed has he? If he hasn't, what makes you think that he going to now?<P>I have found one thing though that I will share with you....I absolutely have to learn to not over-analyze or I am going to do more harm than good and my W will say, "I'm outta here!"<P>What do you REALLY think is going on to make you think this way?

Chrissy, if I could sum this up into just a few words...which is unlikely, but I'll give it a go. ;-)~<P>Be the filet megnon in your hubby's life and he will never want the hamburger! <P>My hubby works in an environment where he is faced with working with women from time to time. And yes, he's had advances and one fatal attraction many years ago. He is indeed a hunk and I can't blame the women, however, ultimately, it is up to your hubby to guard your marriage, when he is faced with these issues. <P>Give him more attention than he can handle and the attention he gets from others will fall on deaf ears. ;-)<P>He loves you...acknowledge this and return the love every day.

I suppose there could actually be more to this than the black and white aspects I have spoke of.<P>The job thing (maybe more unconscious stress than I think)....he was told a month ago that they were letting him go and he has interviewed once or twice but nothing yet, there is money set aside but it's kind of scary to me to think of him not having a job and all of the free time and maybe even enjoying being unemployed. Monday will be his first official day being unemployed so only time will tell.<P>As for why I would be so weary of him cheating...to this day I don't think he has but I always fear that I may miss some sign. I really do have some sort of "detective-like" quality that honestly I could probably never miss it but I am in no way super woman so I tend to even doubt my abilities sometimes. <P>I always look for small things with everyone I meet to see what kind of person they are. I imagine one of the things that made me love him is that he actually intrigues me sometimes (no room for boredom here). He openly talks but can be vague at times.<P>As for hunk or not....he is 36 & looks 28 (I'm 23) has a lot to offer, especially to someone on the outside who may not know some of his quirks. He is a great person and people notice that. So in a way he is worth pursuing.<P>I guess that the main thought that comes to mind is that he cheated on his first wife before they were married. It was a long-long time ago and he was drinking both times but it still happened. <P>Of course, as with most people who worry about this, my mother was abused and cheated on by my father, cheated on by her second husband and we were all verbally abused by her third. She is on her fourth and it might not work out because he is an on-again off-again alcoholic. I think I have much better judgment but my mom is really an intelligent person and never brought this on herself, so who's to say that I might unknowingly choose someone who could potentially hurt me.<P>I think we are seeing that this is almost definitely about me and my gosh it looks like insecurities. I always thought insecurities were more physical like about looks and I am now seeing that they can be more of a mental issue for some. I actually am insecure about my abilities. Maybe some counseling would help. <P>I thank you for bringing up the points leading to this. Is any of this something that you have struggled with and worked out or might have any tips for me on how to overcome?<BR>

Ditto to what psychlynn said...<P>However, I did notice that you brought up that he cheated on his first wife. Regardless of if he was drunk or not, this is a problem that could resurface at any time....I am going to play the devils advocate here and just say that cheating is like drugs or alcohol...once you are hooked or have done these things...it is easy to do them again. (Believe me I know.)<P>Yeah, some of this is being a little over cautious and maybe seeing things that are not there...but if you are both completely open and honest with each other...then there should be no cause for him to want to go anywhere.<P>You seem to think that he is going to like staying home...he might for a week, but if he really likes working, he will be pounding the pavement for a job.<P>Say, if both of you are home right now...why not have a mini honeymoon again and remind him of all the reasons why he married you in the first place <P>Let us know what's up.<p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited June 25, 2001).]