I am not trying to be a downer here but I really dont understand some people.
I went to see a (christian) counselor by myself yesterday (because i wanted to go by myself first)with hopes of finding a way to help my marriage. (yes my husband has done many things wrong and so have i) I am still standing on my word that husband has to quit smoking mj before we work on anything and he has been smoke free for four days today) we will see. Anyway, this counselor told me that I am co-dependent and attract only needy men and that I need to end my current marriage and find someone else. But, I need to go thru all of these steps to help me heal so that I dont make the same mistake again. I am heart broken over this. I know that there are times when a marriage will not work but, I am trying everything I can. How could this man know so much in a hour that took us years to accumulate? I dont know.... it just really discouraged me. The one thing that bothered me most was when he said that in my way of thinking i think that I can fix anything or anyone and not think about myself. I may like to try to help others and but I also think about myself. I always put others first but, when did that become so wrong? I dont know maybe it is.
Thanks for letting me vent a little. I just dont know why he encouraged divorce.

jenigirl,

Just remember that counselors are people too... Which means they are far from perfect, just like the rest of us. I too can't understand why this counselor would 'push' you to get a divorce... Especially a Christian counselor.

The only person who will truly know if it is right to get divorced is you. If you don't want it, then don't let others persuade you into it. I firmly believe that with God, anything is possible, AND anyone can change. Trouble is that we humans tend to give up too quickly... (just my opinion).

I'm not saying to keep going to different counselors until you find one that tells you what you want to hear, but do find one that you feel the most comfortable with... Then be sure the counselor only "helps" you to find the right decision, FOR YOU, and that they DON'T make suggestions to you as to what "they think" the right decision is...

just my $.02
Mike

I really dont think because your H will not quit smoking marijuana is a reason to divorce. JMHO. That counselor is NOT being christ like and really stinks.........find another.

My counselor also said it was time to divorce, when I wanted to work on my M. And I brought up codependency issues and her answer was the all marriages are codependent. Its when its consistently weighted toward one spouse that it becomes bad.
But in your case, I think the counselor wants to get you focused on yourself, and fixing your issues before you deal with the M. By helping yourself and healing yourself, you will be in a better position to determine what is right for you. And learning to set appropriate boundaries is one step in that direction.
Counselors can be harsh, but they see the same patterns over & over again. Its a difficult job to break our own patterns, and only we can make that choice.
I would say continue with the counselor and begin to work on yourself. Fix yourself, not your H, but hope that fixing the M will be a byproduct of your work.

I just finished listening to the tape of Dr. Phil's relationship rescue, and it starts out the same way. You can only work on yourself, not on anyone else. So take the C's advice as a starting point.

Anyway, this counselor told me that I am co-dependent and attract only needy men and that I need to end my current marriage and find someone else.
Is your marriage in such bad shape that this "counselor" can see it is impossible to repair it?

Just as in any profession, because someone is a fully trained & state certified does NOT mean that they are any good. Ask her what he "record" is for saving marriages. From what I have read, the "average" marriage counselor is only about 20%.

Would you take your car for repair if the garage said it will cost $1000 and we only have a 20% chance of repairing the dented fender?

Yes, counelsor gave me no hope at all. He mainly said that I was the one with the problem. Because when I met husband he smoked (mj) and I looked at how he could become and not looking at the situation as it was right at that time. He said that I have to work on the way I think about people and realilze that my job is not to change others for my benefit. He told me that people do not normally think that way.

Oh, and I totally agree that just because someone has a degree or whatever that they know everything. Granted some of the things he said may be true but, I will never let anyone encourage me to get a divorce. And how he thinks he came to that conclusion in just one hours blows my mind.

I do think SOME marriages need to end, but in your case jenigirl (according to what you have said) I dont think yours needs to.

jenigirl, Being "codependent" myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I agree with your C that you need to work on yourself, since you're the only person you can change. The dilemma of codependency is that we try to fix ourselves by fixing others. How about Al-Anon (or NarAnon, CoDA, etc.)? If you like to read, Melody Beattie's Codependent No More is great along with her book of daily readings, The Language of Letting Go. Your C identified the issues pretty well, but, how can he know that your M is hopeless at this point? I'd put any decisions about your M on hold while you take care of you. Good luck.