I don't make much sense, even to myself. I just feel like I'm a walking contradiction - like an Alannis Morrisette song or something <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I love my life and genuinely am happy, but I feel like something is missing from it. I don't like to feel this way, because I don't want to be someone who needs to be with someone else! I think that somehow wanting someone in my life makes me weak and not appreciative for what I have. And I don't want people to think I'm 'out looking' for someone. I think that sounds desperate. But I do think I'm ready for another relationship, and I'm open to the possibility of meeting new people. So why can't I just admit I do want someone in my life??!

I love my children and can't stand it when they go to their dad's, but I do need a break and am ready for them to go. In the same way, I consider my job to be a mother, and am thrilled I am able to stay home with them a few more years, but am excited to go back to work when my alimony ends.

I think I have moved past my ex H's betrayal and I'm almost indifferent to him. I definitely stopped loving him a long time ago. But my sense of justice still cries out - it seems like he got away with it. He is at the top of the educational field, makes tons of money, has a beautiful trophy wife (OW) and doesn't seem to have a problem sleeping at night. I know without God he can't be truly happy, and if I've moved on, shouldn't I not care that he hasn't 'gotten his." Why does part of me still want him to realize what he left behind, if I feel I've forgiven him and moved on?

Anyway, those are my ramblings about my contradictory self on a Tuesday evening. Thanks for listening and for not saying to yourself "That girl needs help." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Krista
Krista531@msn.com

I definately don't think you need help....hey you just pretty much wrote about my life too. Just when I start to feel good about life again, someone comes and kicks the ladder out from underneath me and I have to climb up all over again. Not fair!!

If it helps any, many of us are exactly where you are and it stinks....I am looking forward to the day when I sit down face to face with God over a cup of coffee (liberally spiced with Bailey's Irish Creme) and get to ask all the questions like, how come the people who play by the rules and have honest hearts just get them tromped on???

Who, I can relate to all you said---I am constantly asking God all the time why can't I be just happy with me---why do I need a spouse, someone to live with and share my life with. I ask God if he made me this way or if there is some defect of character that I can't feel like a whole person without a man.

Well---I do not have a specific answer but I am definitely feeling more content and at peace. I seem to have had a breakthrough last week.

I told God that I had this hole in my heart and I really needed him to fill it up---I could not do it and pretty much could not stand the pain much longer. I did tell him I was sorry that I could not appreciate all I had and all He has done to help me have a good life. I needed His forgiveness and understanding. Well---He filled the hole and I feel like I am not in that funky place we all seem to get into. I know it is not permanent and I will need God to fill my holes as need be but I like where I am at.

Don't get me wrong---I really want a spouse and someone to share everything with but I am not consumed by that need right now. As a matter of fact, a very strange thing is happening. I seem to be in a very solitude place right now. I have called friends and some don't call me back and some are too busy and can't get together so I am doing alot alone. I have to watch what I do alone cause some things will magnify my aloneness but some things are ok to do alone. I have never been this alone before and it is really ok....not great but ok.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks for listening and for not saying to yourself "That girl needs help."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WE ALL NEED HELP!!!!

TW

Someone clarified a distinction to me recently that being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Hadn't thought of it that way before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-TMD

Krista,

You've got good company. I feel just like you do. My son is gone to his home, yet I feel horrible. I work and still get alimony but he doesn't pay us yet so I get scared.

The whole thing is wierd. And no, it's ok to feel like Alannis. I'm more like the song "You OUghta Know"...from a ways back.

They did in a way get off easy. But they do have to answer to God one day. I know that. After getting down after dealing with financial issues today, I am finally going to get out and go eat something.

No, you're just fine. We're all ok.

Thanks guys - I really appreciate the support and hearing others go through this contradictory-ness (not a word, I know!) as well. I hope all of us have a fabulous weekend!
Krista