It's too hard! I want to throw in the towel. I'm not adjusting to my new life very well. I hate being alone and I hate what this has done to my soul and my faith. I question everything, I don't care about anything. I go through the motion of life but I feel like I'm a robot. I feel nothing but hurt and the pain that goes with it.

I want to fast forward my life. I read here all the time and see that I have so long to go and I don't want this pain to last so long. How do you make it? I see a therapist and started in a support group, but the pain is overwhelming.

My 23 year anniversary is this Sunday and I long for when I was happy. I miss him so much but I also hate him more. We would always say to each other "Love you deep down to my soul" then laugh and hug each other.

I thought I was special and to find out I'm not hurts "Deep down to my soul". I need to get passed this! How? What else can I do? Younger son went out with Stbxh last night and I made sure I wasn't home. NC!!! I have to or I'll never make it.

I can't fix this and I can't control this, I think that is part of my problem. I am the wife and mother that always makes evreything okay. I liked that role when we were working for a common goal.

Now to know that his sister is taking over my role by helping him with his mess just makes me mad. I know I would probably do the same for my brother but again the feeling of being replaced is hard to get over. I'm no longer special!!

I hate this and I'm finding it hard to get up and start a new day. Why, just so I can feel awful again. I won't wish this on my worst enemy. I never thought I would be going through this **it.
I guess who ever does!

My sister bumped into him at the bank and her first thought was to run the other way but she didn't. She said he look old and thin and not very healthy looking. Good! He waited for her outside the bank and they talked, My sister was very forth coming with her question and she said he was a little taken back my it all and at times got defensive.

She has been my rock and feels my pain. But even she said I have to find it within myself to move past this and I'm the only one that can do it. I have to keep moving and one day I will be happy again.

Will I? Please help me get out of this funk! I feel like I was thrown out of a plane and the shute might open but then again it might not and I'm just falling faster and faster. I have no color in my life and don't care about anything.
I want this sadness to end.

I have to wait for happiness to come back in my life when I thought I always had it. I was duped! What a fool i have been. Sorry just need to vent.

LJ

Hang in there, LJ-
it does get better, slowly at first, and perhaps qwith a struggle. there may be days when all you want to do is greet the world singing and others when all you want to do is crawl under a rock and cry.
slowly, you will learn new coping stratagies. slowly, you will carve out a new you. slowly you will leave the past far behind.
it does get better, really it does.
one day you will wake up and realize that life is pretty darned good.
fairy tales do come real and there is a Santa Claus, all you have to do is believe and keep striving. (and I am not kidding).
and one day you will wake up and laugh at the past. and you will thank the past for happening, 'cause without the past, we can not be who we are today. then you will be able to say thank you because i love who i am.
really, it does get better.

You absolutely will get through this!! You are stronger than you know. You dedication to your son and doing things right is your foundation. I also look back and ask "how in the *ell did we let things get this bad?" I think we are both past the bitterness (for the most part) but that doesn't mean that the pain is all gone. I am just as responsible for our demise as she is.

We are still living in the same house and things are 'amicable'.

Look in your mirror every day and say out loud:
"This is NOT my fault"
"I love me and will take care of me"
"I love my son and will take care of him"
"I must accept what happened even if I don't understand it cause I can't change it"
"My life is mine and I alone control it"

Hope this helps...

For you LJ with many hugs and prayers:

God's Positive Answers
> >
> >
> > For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a
> positive
> > answer for it:
> >
> > You say: "It's impossible"
> > God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
> >
> > You say: "I'm too tired"
> > God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 1:28-30)
> >
> > You say: "Nobody really loves me"
> > God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
> >
> > You say: "I can't go on"
> > God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm
91:15)
> >
> > You say: "I can't figure things out"
> > God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
> >
> > You say: "I can't do it"
> > God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
> >
> > You say: "I'm not able"
> > God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
> >
> > You say: "It's not worth it"
> > God says: It will be worth it. (Roman 8:28)
> >
> > You say: "I can't forgive myself"
> > God says: I FORGIVE YOU (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
> >
> > You say: "I can't manage"
> > God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
> >
> > You say: "I'm afraid"
> > God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy1:7)
> >
> > You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
> > God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
> >
> > You say: "I don't have enough faith"
> > God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
> >
> > You say: "I'm not smart enough"
> > God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
> >
> > You say: "I feel all alone"
> > God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews13:5)

Hi LJ,
I thought alot about your situation last night. You know, I am only about a month deeper into this mess than you. So let me try to give you some hope that things are going to get better.

I remember having overwhelming feelings right before our anniversay. I had just had a long chat with my H, telling him I just needed his touch and for him to hold me... to which he replied, "I know, I'm sorry, but I just dont have those feelings for you anymore". My daughter came home to find me on the front porch swing, crying, I had been there for a while, I am not even sure how long. I was so in need of his affection, I didnt know what I was going to do. I even went on line and signed up on one of those singles sites...dumb, I know. Thankfully, I never posted a picture or answered any of the emails I got. I know now, I am not ready for that. I asked a friend (who is single) to take me with her to one of the church singles outings they have, she said she would, but we never did. Thank goodness, people around me had the sense to not act on what I was wanting to do.

As our anniversary grew closer, I could tell that he was not making any plans. I listened to my favorite morning radio show on the way to work that Friday morning before our anniversary on Saturday. You see, he often called in and had them wish me a Happy Anniversary, but not this time. I really didnt think he would call in, but I hoped... I had hoped he would call and say "I'm sorry, I love you, I want to come home".

I didn't think I would want to get out of bed the next morning, but you know, when I woke up...it was just like any other day. I made plans, I refused to be alone, I kept busy. Before I knew it, the day I had been dreading for so long was over...and I had made it through. Things have been a lot easier since then. I don't know, maybe it was the last straw. Maybe I finally accepted that he doesnt love me. Maybe I just decided I wasn't going to let him hurt me anymore. Whatever it was, something changed. I know for one thing, I quit looking at him through Rose colored glasses. Oh yes, I still love him, but he is not the perfect man I had been making him out to be in my mind. I finally set back and took a long hard look at our lives and decided I wanted better than that. I know this is far from over with, but I am really OK for now. I am starting to enjoy getting to do things "I" want to do.

I know your anniversary is coming LJ, so make plans, don't stay home, surround yourself with friends and family, keep yourself busy. Maybe this will be the turning point you are looking for to.

Hugs and prayers,

Thanks for thinking of me. I want to say I'm doing better but I'm not. I'm just going through the motions of life. I guess this is the part of recovery that I have to feel to move on. I grieve everyday and hope the next day I will be better.

Having our anniversary this weekend doesn't help. I miss him so much but we just can't be together. I just wished he would have fought for me and cried he didn't want it over.

He is so matter of fact and I know he has always been like that but I thought I was special. To know I am treated just like the guy down the street hurts.

I say don't call me and guess what he doesn't call. I want to have him call and beg me to come back, I feel he just can forget me so easy. Everything is black and white to him and I'm all gray.

We were opposites but we complimented each other. I wish things were different but I have to get past this phase so I can go to the next. So hard!

I would have been married 23 years in my mind I thought once you were married that long you made it. I really thought we were there and I was proud of us to say this took me my surprise is an under statement. Oh well.

I thank goodness I have this site and all of you to understand what I feel. Just knowing some of you made it gives me hope.

Thanks for caring.
LJ

Hi,
I am in the same boat as you. I have married for 17 years and have been with him for 21. We have known each other for 34 years - he was my brother's oldest and best friend. Then about two years ago he started to act funny.

Different clothes, shortest hair cut he ever had and pushing me away - far away. After about 6 months I just came right out and confirmed what I already new.

He stays at his GF's house on weekend and holiday's. He has filed for divorce but we still live together. The further along the divorce goes the more nasty he is to me. He won't talk to me he won't look at me. I left a note prior to a possible contempt of court issue to let him know that anything that goes on in the next couple of months is his fault. I don't want the divorce and he is the only one to stop it.

Like you I went through months of not wanting to get out of bed. But everyday I did. I have to do it for myself and to show my daughter that you can not curl up and die because someone stops loving you.

I had to prove to myself that I would not curl up and die because he is no longer in my life. I thought we would grow old together but I just realized over the past week that this is as old as we will get together. We will always be connected (which I am sure he hates) because of our 4 year old daughter.

Later on in life he will realize what he has missed and what he will continue to miss. He has chosen his GF over his daughter. His affair started when she was just 2 and he has missed everything since. Christmas eve and day he spent at his GF's house and never called our daughter. It's his lose.

Don't let you husband make you stop living. Don't let him take from you the last bit of yourself. If you stop living because of him it only makes him more powerful over you.

I miss my husband believe - each night that he does come home Sun - Thursday we sleep in the same bed. To have the man that love next to you but can not have is an awful thing. But, I will not let him know how much it hurts me. At the begining I did, I let him know that I missed his touch and his smell. The nick names he used to call me. But, he only used my heartfelt talks as weapons against me later on. To belittle me and make we feel like I could not go on.

I am still open to an attempt of reconcilation but, at this point no matter what way this goes and I believe it is final divorce I will make it. I will prove to everyone that I can survive the betrayl and make a good happy life for myself.

You need to do the same. It is hard but get involved in something outside of the house. I am going for my Master's degree on-line. I do alot of things with my daughter but also on my own.

DON'T LET HIM WIN. Take your life back and take the power he has over you and energize yourself.

LJ,
Just checking on you. I know you had a rough weekend.

CLHG - Thank you for thinking of me, yes, this weekend has be rough but it's Monday and I made it. I went out Friday night with my only single friend who has taken me under her wing. We had a real nice time and laughed and talked about the old days. She said her father has a time-share in the Bahamas and wanted to know if I would like to join her. Hell yeh!! We'll see if that holds true but its a start with my new life.

Saturday did the usual house cleaning stuff and then went out to dinner with my sister and my niece was home early and then watched the movie I rented. I did cry because in one of the movies was my wedding song and I thought this is suppose get my mind off of him. Oh well!!

Sunday got up early and got ready to go to the beach with son and his girlfriend. It was a great beach day and we had alot of fun. My son was so kind and gentle with me and I am so blessed I have him. My older son called and we talked and he will be coming home next week, just for a few days but I miss him and can't wait to just hug him.

When we got home from the beach I was hoping stbxh called and left a message on the machine but that is not what happened. I'd lie to say I wasn't disappointed but really what could he say, well, I could think of a whole bunch of things but that is me and not him.

I did cry in my bedroom and I was quite sad but I made it. I go to group tonight and I hope this helps my recovery. This is so hard, I wanted to call him so many times but I haven't because it just makes me worse. I have to go cold turkey!

My niece called me at 10 pm last night and we talked for a long time, she is 26 years old and is full of wisdom, I am blessed with a great support system. I just have to let them help me and then help myself.

My stbxh had a great life with me and the boys and he made some real bad choices. He has to live with that I did not do anything to deserve this, so in the long run I think once I get myself together I will be fine. That is what I am working toward any way.

What other choice do I have? I will not lay down and die, he is not worth it and I just have to get through this awful part. It's hard but after listening to everyone here, my therapist and group therapy they say I will make it so I go on everyones word. I trust you guys plus it has to get better.

I'll let you know how group goes tonight!

LJ

LJ,
You sound really good! I know it was rough, but like you said, what else can we do, we have to go on.

I went and saw "Bruce Almighty" not long ago. There is a part in it where his girlfriend is praying to God that she can just stop loving Bruce...I wish it were that easy.

I look forward to hearing about your support group. I dont know why, but I have still been putting that off. I think maybe I have it in my mind that until he actually asks for the divorce, there is still just a glimmer of hope. It could be I just dont want to be the one to give up.

I went out to lunch with a girlfriend of mine and actually made it through all her questions without crying.... baby steps. Now, when I can get through talking with my dad without crying..that will be a great accomplishment. Sometimes the feeling that I have failed is too much to deal with when it comes to my dad.

Hey, I actually am starting a savings account to take a vacation with the kids next June. We havent done that in years. May I say that my yard and flower beds look the best they ever have in the 2 years we lived in the house. I met my new neighbors next door and the very nice man actually helped me clean up the mess from the storm we had come through.

Basically LJ, I am starting to figure it out...how to get by without his paycheck, how to get things taken care of and get things fixed without him. I am learning how to fill my time with things I want to do. I know you will to.

Hugs and prayers,
CLHG