It's 3:30 AM. The sobs have stopped (for now). H is asleep - for the time being, we share the house and bedroom. Maybe it's over - maybe it's not. Words don't make sense: tenses are mixed up. Are we in the here and now, in the past, or in the future? Hard to tell...
What I do know is I've never felt my body convulse with sobs like this before. I awoke at 1:00 AM to the realization that I can't remember the last time I heard that I was beautiful, sexy, desirable, or sensual - or that he was proud to be my husband; proud to be seen with me. Instead, "desire" appears to be synonomous with "accessible" and my greatest virtue appears to be intelligence. Not that that's bad - but what happened to the FEMALE in me?
H is vacillating between "out of gas" for working on the relationship, "too much hurt to overcome" and finally "you're not the person I want to live with - it's your basic personality". Followed by "maybe we'll change and get married again in the future". HELLO??? How exactly will that work? Will one of us change our bloodtype? Me thinks this is a copout - if I'd been willing to address his needs over the past few years we wouldn't be here (or so he says). But addressing needs is not the same as changing personality. So what gives? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Still, no doubt we both love each other and have been (maybe still are) best friends. Too many things and stresses have plagued us for too long, and admittedly I ignored his needs (yup, all of them) while I nearly lost my mind, sanity and health trying to cope with being way over my head in commitments and obligations. He says no way to go back, nothing worth fixing.
We had a wonderful weekend together (last weekend) - we both agreed it was so, and were both optimistic about the future. Well, it didn't stick beyond the weekend.
Does not compute, does not compute... maybe I really AM losing my sanity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
