I suppose any marriage has its challenges, but the challenges imposed on a marriage by chronic depression in one of the spouses is overwhelming. The lack of energy, the lack of enthusiasm, the emotional withdrawal, the paranoia and defensiveness create so many odd twists to a relationship throughout the years that it's hard to know where to start. I hate to say it, but a chronically depressed spouse is a selfish spouse in so many ways.<BR>I think what is so incredibly difficult to deal with is the fact that she is in denial over her depression and the affect it has on our marriage. She has been taking Prozac for six years now, which has banished the grotesque nightmares she used to suffer. However, the cloud still hangs over her constantly, and the agonizing thing is that she can't tell there is a cloud! Attempts to help her always lead to self-defensive, angry responses (she has a terrible diet and odd relationship to food -- no breakfast and often no lunch and little protein -- if I suggest this may have something to do with her lack of energy she bites off my head).<P>Furthermore, our sex life has fallen to zero. It's hard to tell if the increasing emotional distance between us has led to the lack of sex, or if it's the other way around. Perhaps it's a vicious circle. Initially I found it difficult to be physically intimate with someone so lacking in energy and life, but now our increasing disrespect for each other squelches any desire.<P>I vaccilate between trying to make sure I'm coming from a kind, loving place and being resentful of the burden I bear because of her depression. Even though our sex life has fallen off, I make sure to touch her, kiss her before going to bed, extend common courtesies, ask her how her day want. She doesn't reject any of this, but she NEVER reciprocates. She hasn't proactively given me a kiss or touched me in years (in fact, she has always said she "hates to be touched"). She's a black hole of emotional energy.<P>I fear that my increasing resentment (over having to be the breadwinner plus pay bills plus do all the cooking plus clean the house plus attend to all the maintenance of the house, ... she's got no energy!) is winning out over what little passion, patience and compassion remains for her. At once I had big dreams and wanted to share my life with someone who would share similar dreams and help make them come true; instead I've ended up being pulled down; I feel betrayed.<P>I mentioned she is taking Prozac. Unfortunately she is not combining the Prozac with counseling -- she seems to think that by taking the pill everything is magically better. But things are NOT better - in fact in some ways they're much worse. I suspect she is suffering from side-effects such as fatigue, low sex drive, inexplicable skin conditions, inability to feel guilt or remorse (for an attempted A, for example), and lack of the ability to cry anymore, even over tragedies befalling loved ones. She just can't see it, odd as that may sound. <P>Sorry this is so rambling. There is just so much that is intertwined in a marriage where a spouse is depressed, it's hard to know where to start, it's hard to know what's important and what's not. But worst of all, it's hard to know what to do -- she doesn't seem to think there is anything that needs to be changed on her side ... I'm the one that is ruining our marriage because of my resentment and disrespect of her. <P>Scratch that. The absolute worst thing is loving your 2 1/2 year old son so much that you can't imagine being only a part-time parent to him. I'm doubtful that our marriage can be saved, but I am willing to do anything or try anything to salvage it for his sake.<P>But things do get more complex. Various things led me to believe she was having an A. I 'found' a series of e-mail between her and one of her exes planning liasons and sharing loving words that only lovers should share (he's also married with a toddler, a professor who has a penchant for only dating his students, such as my wife and his current wife. He's a piece of work). God I was crushed.<P>I confronted her in a letter (in person she would just clam up and blame it on me, one way or another). When I came home and wanted to talk about it, she became quite angry with me -- no remorse or guilt in the least -- and said "there is nothing to say. I refuse to talk about it until we are in front of an objective marital counselor". Odd, I wouldn't have even thought of having that response if I were in her shoes. <P>I should be happy that she has agreed to see a counselor. Lord knows I've been seeing one lately. But my experience with her counseling is that she is only happy with counselors that never challenge her to push away the cloud, others she "doesn't click with". But nonetheless, at least we will have an avenue to at least look at the issues that have been building up over the years.<P>I love my son. I want him to grow up as part of a happy family, with fulfilled, respectful parents. But I fear that I cannot save her from her depression, only she can. But I doubt she wants to. She almost cherishes her depression, expresses it in her art.<P>Tell me, what is worse, being the child of divorce parents, or growing up with an increasing awareness that the love you thought your parents held for one another is really just a thin veneer of affection? One way lies heartache and loneliness, the other lies heartache and cynicism. If it weren't for our son, I think I wouldn't be willing to continue in this marriage at this point! I'm worn down.<P>Has anyone out there saved a marriage threatened by depression? Any suggestions on how to approach the counseling sessions in order for them to be effective -- effective in saving our marriage? I know I'm part of the problem here, but her hard-edged demeanor tells me she thinks I'm 100% of the problem.<P>Any advice is appreciated!<BR>

I normally post in the Emotional Needs or the Recovery forum but I came over here to browse a moment and saw your post. You are right, a spose that suffers from life-long stuggles with depression is one of the most difficult things to deal with. I am in that situation. I have no answers for you, just empathy and understanding of how difficult those shoes are to walk in. After a while, you sometimes feel depression is "contagious" because you feel that way yourself at times.<P>Keep loving, and be strong.<P>God give us strength.<P>AFL

ttdr,<P>My H walked on myself and our 2.5 year old daughter. It's been nearly a year now. He was the one who went off and started an affair. I am the one with the depression.<P>Contact your wife's Dr. and simply leave a message telling her how your wife is behaving. If your wife isn't being honest in the medication sessions, then the dosages won't be getting adjusted to the appropriate levels.<P>Frankly, it sounds to me as if the dosage that your wife is being given isn't strong enough, or she's on the wrong medication (i.e. not responding to it as she should).<P>I had to switch medications about five times before we found what works. I also had to change Drs. a couple of times.<P>How I wish my H would have told me that the meds. weren't working. How I wish he would have contacted my Dr. and told her that it wasn't working. I wish that he would have said that he wanted to go with me to one of my sessions.<P>He says that he did say something, but I never heard anything. When you are that far down in 'The Pit', you simply don't hear anything. You don't see people reaching out to you.<P>She may not be in denial. It is possible that she may not be seeing what you are seeing. Depression colors her world --- she's looking up a deep well/pit. She only sees a little bit of the picture.<P>As far as sex..... some anti-depressants can decrease libido. I know some of mine did. The tiredness and aches and pains that she is feeling are really and truly real. IF her depression is properly treated, they could go away. Depression also affects her thinking --- her judgment could be clouded, her ability to handle stress could be nil. <P>It's the depression....the illness. Can you try to separate the illness from your wife? Deep inside she's still the same person. But that person is trapped and crying for help. Instead, there's this beast that has taken over her body.<P>Why could your wife not be taking enough meds or trying different meds? She could be afraid of the stigma attached with mental illness. She may believe that since Prozac is so popular, then that's what she needs. But there are other meds out there which should be tried. Combinations should also be tried.<P>Educating yourself about depression, and how she 'should' be responding to medication may be helpful. Here's some links that may help:<BR> <A HREF="http://depressionclinic.com/db/TopicReq" TARGET=_blank>http://depressionclinic.com/db/TopicReq</A> <A HREF="http://www.health-center.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.health-center.com/</A> <A HREF="http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md04.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md04.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depressionmenu.cfm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depressionmenu.cfm</A> <A HREF="http://www.dr-bob.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dr-bob.org/</A> <A HREF="http://members.ozemail.com.au/~kap/depress.html" TARGET=_blank>http://members.ozemail.com.au/~kap/depress.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.puritansermons.com/baxter/baxter25.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.puritansermons.com/baxter/baxter25.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.intimacyanddepression.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.intimacyanddepression.com/</A> <P>OH!!!<BR>Before I forget, if your wife has not been to a regular Dr. and gotten a full checkup specifically geared to determining if there is any medical cause for her depression, DO IT! They should do several blood tests for her thyroid levels, hormones, and natural steroids. Depression could signal a serious problem, such as a tumor.<P>Also, while I'm thinking about it, when did her depression start? Within a year of the birth of your child?<P>My first bout with depression started after I had a miscarriage, but there may have been some triggers that prolonged the depression. It disappeared when I was pregnant, and came back again after I had my daughter....again, triggers repeated theirselves.<P><BR>Consider this too ---- My H got to where he wouldn't let me do anything around the house. If I tried to do something, I always seemed to do it wrong (too much soap in the laundry, etc.). It got to where he did stuff and I was told to sit down and shut up. He wouldn't even go out to a movie with me. He treated me with resentment. Anger built up inside of him that he was not expressing. And he was not meeting with a counselor, even though I mentioned it to him.<P>I felt like he told me that I wasn't wanted. I wasn't needed. He could do it all....I was just a screw up. It even registered in how our daughter treated me. He'd always come to her rescue, and wouldn't leave me and her alone.<P>So look at how you are treating your wife. What kind of message are you sending her? Are you sharing your life with her, or are you folding up? <P>~Amy

I will keep my response short as I do not want to add my heavy logs of advice to your weakly burning fire you are so bravely trying to keep aflame (marriage relationship) and nor am I going to preach a long sermon to you<P>This is it: Your partner needs a professional psychologist<P>The intimacy will dissapear because communication has failed<P>The best treatment to your partner I can advise you as I also had depression before is lots of rest, a nice bath<BR>cooking for your partner and getting some help around the house<P>Peace and quiet and nice orange juice and breakfast in bed<P>Allow space and your partner to go off for walks alone and cycling <P>But get professional help and see your doctor together very soon<P>To save your marriage<P>The first kind step has been taken by you<P>No one can do it for you You have to pick up the phone and seek professional help immediately<P>Also log in to <A HREF="http://www.allexperts.com" TARGET=_blank>www.allexperts.com</A> for advice<P>Please get pro help soon<P>For the benefite of all of you<P>Carol<BR>see <A HREF="http://www.prayertoweronline.org" TARGET=_blank>www.prayertoweronline.org</A>

Carol and Amy, thanks both for your insights and advice, and words of encouragement. In particular I will try to separate the illness from my wife -- though that is so very hard, as I've always thought that our words and actions define us, as human beings. <P>I've been avoiding setting up that psych appointment, for no very good reason. But I will do it! Sometimes it's just too easy to let the status quo go on and on and just live each day as it comes.<P>Amy, thanks for the wealth of information on depression and the links; I've clearly got a lot of thinking and research to do. I have to keep reminding myself why it's worth it -- our 2 year old son is rather good at reminding me.<P>